by Candis Vargo
“Now, never be too stubborn to say you’re sorry, especially when you’ve done wrong and even when you haven’t. If you love someone, let them know. Life is too short to regret not telling that boy he was cute or that other boy that you loved him. Take the chances. Take the risks. That’s what life is all about. That’s what makes it so fun. I used to be scared of the unknown, but now I see the beauty in it. I see the beauty in the uncertainty. There’s a thrill in it all. Not knowing what’s next…not knowing what will happen if you do this or if you do that. It’s like a Wonder Ball— maybe you’ll know what those are, maybe not. If not just look it up on the internet or whatever new things they have now…anyway, it’s like a Wonder Ball. There’s a certain excitement in unwrapping it and opening it up to see what’s inside. That’s the unknown in life.
“So don’t be scared of what you don’t know. Don’t be worried about the ‘what if’s’ in life. Take that chance, be the brave woman—or girl, I know you are. Since I’m not sure how old you will be when you watch this, I had to say both.
“I love you, Amelia Rose. Now go out in that world and kick its ass. And don’t tell your dad I said ass. I love you!”
CHAPTER NINE
Joel knew I was going crazy by being stuck in bed all day, every day, so he promised me a day out to help cheer me up. He planned it for the day before my next appointment so I could have some time out before whatever new news Dr. Lynn had for me was thrown on me. And there was going to be new news…there always was.
So the day before my appointment we went to the mall. I don’t remember the last time I was at the mall but I definitely wasn’t in a wheelchair. It was a little weird. You’d think I would have been used to people staring at me, but I don’t think one ever really gets used to it. You just do your best to ignore it. But it wasn’t long before my mind was preoccupied with other things.
“What are we getting?” I asked Joel curiously.
“You, my dear, are birthday shopping.”
Now I was even more curious. I ran through the list of birthdays in my head and couldn’t think of one that was near or I had missed.
“Whose birthday, exactly?”
“Amelia’s.”
I was speechless, which is something that doesn’t happen to me too often. I didn’t even think about birthday presents or anything for Amelia. I thought about so many other things, but that had never crossed my mind. My heart raced with excitement as I thought about all of the things I could get her. I’d have thought I would have been sad to be shopping for birthdays I wouldn’t be there for, but I wasn’t. Knowing that she would get a gift from me on her birthday meant the world to me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to get her, but I knew it was going to be something meaningful.
“You know that finding something for her first birthday could take me literally all day, right?”
He smiled his wicked smile that I loved so much.
“Who said you were limited to just the first birthday?”
“And that means…”
“That you can get as many birthdays as you want.”
Though I was excited to be able to do that, I started to wonder how we were going to pay for all of that. I had already spent a lot of the money from the savings when I paid for my final arrangements so I wasn’t sure how we could afford this.
My excitement dwindled down. “We can’t afford to do all of that.”
“Don’t worry about that, sweetheart.
We’re doing this.”
“But how can we pay for it?”
Joel sighed, realizing that I wasn’t going to give in until I knew how we could afford it. “Well, the lot of us went in on it.”
“The lot of us? Who’s the lot of us?”
“Well, there’s me, your parents, Beth and Ryan, Alicia, my dad and even my mom. Which is shocking considering how stingy she is with money. Anyway, Alicia was pretty adamant that this happen so she pitched in a lot.”
Leave it to Alicia. If I had a shopping problem, Alicia was a true-blue shopaholic. She could always out shop me and when she wanted something to happen, she made it happen. And one thing I’ve learned is that when you’re dying, people want to give you gifts. I don’t know why, really, but everything from flowers to trips like this will be gifted to someone who’s dying. The only thing I could come up with is that it makes them feel better, and that was all right with me. It was sweet, in its own way. I figured it was their way of coping, because really, how do you cope when you find out someone has cancer and is dying?
“How much did Alicia give us?” I groaned.
“Honestly?”
“Yeah, honestly.”
“Well…I’m not sure.”
Apparently, Alicia was the mastermind behind all of it and she handed Joel a prepaid debit card. When he asked her how much was on it, she refused to tell him and made him promise not to look until the day we went shopping. Joel and his sister were a lot alike and they kept their word.
So he wasn’t able to tell who pitched in what, but there was three thousand dollars on the card for us to use. There was no way I would or even could use all of that money. I liked my shopping, but I was still a bargain shopper.
Anyway, I ended up giving in and we did our shopping. Or, I did the shopping really. Joel just tagged along and strapped the bags to the back of my chair. I got her one gift for each of her birthdays up to her eighteenth. They were really simple things like a locket necklace and a toy kitchen— which Joel had to take out to the car right away because the box was too big to tote around. But the gift I was most excited about was the gift I got her for her first birthday.
There was the tiniest, most beautiful pearl bracelet that was the perfect size for a baby’s wrist and it had a tiny blue bow on it. It came in a frame and was called the Baby to Bride bracelet. The attached card had a poem that brought tears to my eyes, as well as a penny tucked in the bottom of the card.
The quote read:
‘Once upon a time…A baby girl was born.
This pearl bracelet, upon her wrist, was worn.
The years went by and the young girl grew.
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue…
A lucky penny for her shoe.’
These treasures she’d recall with pride, when this woman became a bride.
Keep these tiny treasures close, to use on the day you’ll cherish most.’
You see, she would wear this bracelet on her first birthday. Then it would be safely tucked away in the frame again until her wedding day. On that day, the bracelet would be wrapped around her finger twice, so it would be worn as a ring. So, the bracelet would be something old, though the ring would be something new. Then she’d borrow a safety pin to pin the blue bow on her wedding dress, and put the lucky penny in her shoe.
I had gotten her something for her first birthday as well as her wedding day. In a way, I’d be able to be there for her wedding day. I really couldn’t think of anything better.
“It’s perfect,” Joel said when I found it.
“And I’m sure she will love it.”
“Just don’t forget to do it, okay?”
“Never,” he smiled.
He was usually a forgetful soul, but somehow I knew he wouldn’t forget about this…
There were a few times throughout the day where I had to stop what we were doing because my headaches kept coming back. If I wasn’t dizzy then I had a headache. I don’t know why I had started getting that, but it was more of an annoyance to me than anything. I mean, there was a point in time where I would have killed to have two Joels, particularly in the bedroom—Lord forgive me, but it’s the truth - anyway, now I didn’t care to see two of everything.
All in all, despite the occasional stopping, he truly gave me the best day before my appointment, because as we figured, Dr. Lynn had some not so good news for me.
There was still sympathy in her eyes. That’s also something I’ve learned with being sick. Every time the doctor
has to tell you some not-so-good news, that look is always in their eyes…
“I’d like to discuss getting you set up to stay here in the hospital,” Dr. Lynn said.
I don’t know why but I hadn’t thought about the possibility of actually moving into the hospital before. A lump lodged itself in my throat but her reasoning made perfect sense.
“Although it’s possible for you to go full term, I’d like you to be here just in case you don’t… And I hate to do it like this, but if something should happen to you when no one is around or in the middle of the night…”
There for a little while, though I’d never admit it to anyone, I thought that there was a slight chance - even if it was a one percent chance - there was at least a slight chance that I might be able to survive long enough to see my baby and maybe even get treatment—it may have been a fat chance in H, E, double hockey stick, but it was still there.
Now? Now it was like the world was laughing in my face for believing that, even for the slightest second.
Joel shifted in his seat and placed his hand over his mouth for a moment before he got up and stomped out of the room without saying a word. I closed my eyes and my entire body jumped as he slammed the door behind him.
He never did anything like that, ever…so I knew he was pissed and hurt at the same time. What husband wouldn’t be?
It was like the world was trying to take my hope from me. To say we were devastated wouldn’t do it justice on how we felt. Imagine you’re drowning, slowly…and you want to give up but there is a hand in the water, reaching for you. It’s your only hope and you do everything you can to swim to that hand.
Now, imagine that you find out that hand wasn’t really there. It was a figment of your imagination the entire time.
Do you give up and let the water consume you and everything you once were? Or do you kick even harder, keep fighting the pressure that’s pulling you down even though there’s virtually no hope?
I decided I was going to fight.
I wouldn’t let the water consume me.
I swallowed my fear and held back my tears. It may have felt like my heart was literally ripped out of my chest, but I wasn’t going to show it. I had come too far to let it get the best of me. “If I died when I was alone then my baby would die too,” a cold chill ran down my body as I said those words. But they were the truth.
My blood ran cold just at the thought of that. I could handle anything life and this cancer threw at me, but not when it came to my baby. Not when it came to Amelia.
“Well…yes,” Dr. Lynn answered, although she really didn’t need to. “I’d like it if we got you in here by the end of the week.”
“So soon?” I didn’t want to just yet. I wanted to spend as much time at my house as I could. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to it yet.
“I…I’m not ready for that. Not yet. I mean, I get why I need to be in here, I really do, but I’m not ready to leave my home just yet. I feel like if I do then I’ll…I’ll just be giving up. I just want a little more time at home. Please. If I can, just a little more time…”
We came to the conclusion that in two weeks, when I officially hit my last month, leaving me four weeks until my due date, I would come stay in the hospital. Until then I would be on very strict bed rest at home and I would have all the comfort of the hospital in my own bedroom and constant supervision.
“I would also really like to have someone come out to you, someone for you to talk to.”
“A shrink?” I’m not going to lie, at first, I was pretty pissed off at the thought. I was dealing with enough and I didn’t really want to deal with something else and I especially didn’t want to let a stranger into my life…into my head.
"You know, as much as we hate to admit it…sometimes we really need someone to lean on. Yeah, we can talk to our family and friends, but when it comes down to it, they’re just as involved as you are. It’s like when someone writes a book; sure their family and friends will read it. They may help a bit here and there, but when it comes down to the actual story, they’re biased. When someone out of the circle reads it, that’s when the truth comes in. You get someone who isn’t directly involved and they bring honesty and enlightenment to the situation. They’re able to actually give you some help, and there’s no point in being stubborn because we all need help from time to time,” Dr. Lynn laughed. I really didn’t think my situation had anything to do with writing a book, but nonetheless, she got her point across. I thought about it for a moment longer and realized she was right. Plus, what would it hurt to at least try?
As I was getting ready to leave Dr. Lynn’s office, Joel came back. He’d had a chance to cool down and didn’t seem so angry anymore.
“Listen, Dr. Lynn, I’m sorry for all of that,” Joel started to apologize. I figured I’d give him a little space to do so, so I excused myself and walked to the bathroom a few doors down, leaving them in the office. When I was done in the bathroom I expected to find Joel outside of the door waiting for me, but he wasn’t there. I walked back to the office, where I stopped outside of the door which was only opened a crack.
“Every day I can’t help but think it,” Joel said. I had caught Joel in the middle of a sentence and I felt a little bit guilty for eavesdropping, but a part of me wanted to hear what he had to say.
“Every single day I wonder if this is going to be the last time I see her. I wonder if it will be the last time I tell her I love her, wake up next to her, hold her. Every day I can’t help but think those things. And it gets harder and harder every day. I’ve tried to imagine my life without her, and I just can’t. I can’t see one without her. There is no me without her.”
“No one expects this to be easy for you, Joel. If it was, you wouldn’t be human,” Dr. Lynn consoled him.
“I know, but damn is it hard. But it’s not just the losing her. It’s the constantly trying to keep her happy because I don’t want her to have a moment of sadness. I’m always on, I’m always trying to do my best for her and be loving and compassionate all the time, and it’s exhausting. I’m trying to take care of her while going to work to make sure everything is paid for and prepare for our baby… I mean, I know her parents are there and yeah, that helps, but it’s still constant.
“And you know what else – and this is the real kicker - I can’t help think that when she is gone, that it will be a relief. God, I hate myself for thinking that, let alone saying it out loud, but… I’m tired.”
To say I was crushed would be an understatement. He wished I was dead already. He didn’t want to take care of me anymore and he wished I was gone. My heart seized and felt like someone was squeezing it as this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach grew. I didn’t understand how he could want me to die. I couldn’t understand why he was saying those things…
“That’s actually perfectly normal. That’s a thought that many spouses of cancer patients have,” Dr. Lynn continued.
So she was telling him that it was okay? That’s what it sounded like to me. I didn’t get it. Who would tell someone that it’s okay to want your cancer-ridden wife dead? I couldn’t take anymore so I pushed the door open and looked at Joel in disbelief. Instantly his face was consumed with horror, but how the hell did he think I felt?
“What?” I looked back and forth between Dr. Lynn and Joel. “How could you
say that?”
“Cara, I-”
“No! How could you say that?” my voice was loud but I felt weak. His words left me weaker than any cancer ever could. “You’re exhausted? You have no idea what it feels like for me. I can’t do anything anymore. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat, but I force myself and then try to force the food to stay down because I’m bringing our daughter into this world. I’m so glad to hear you want me to stick around, to make it through all of this and actually be a damn
family.”
“Cara,” Dr. Lynn said.
I ignored her as I walked out of the room and Joel followed me. “See you next we
ek, Dr. Lynn,” I said.
Joel kept pleading with me, insisting that he didn’t mean to hurt me, but at that point in time I was too stubborn, too caught up in my own pain and grief to notice what he was dealing with. I felt like I cried every single day anymore so I was doing everything I could not to cry on the ride home. Instead, I kept looking out my window, letting a heavy silence fill the space between us. It wasn’t too much longer after we got home that my bedroom got a transformation.
Our bed was replaced with a hospital bed and our nightstand was moved so a monitor could take its place. The monitors were portable but they wanted me hooked up to them whenever I was alone in the room, in case I died.
There was also a type of monitor hooked up to my stomach so Dr. Lynn was able to check my baby’s heart rate any time she wanted through the wonderful new technology. It had something to do with satellites and the heartbeat being sent to her phone in real time. Apparently, she even set up an alarm on her phone in case something severely changes with my baby’s heartbeat.
You know how I said I needed constant supervision? That meant even when I was asleep. I felt like a prisoner in my own home even though I was still able to leave once in a while…in a wheelchair…with supervision.
Since my mom, dad, or Joel were usually always here, especially during the day, I got the luxury of getting a home health aide only at night. It wasn’t that I was alone at night because I wasn’t. I mean, Joel was sleeping right beside me and my parents were in the other room, but the doctors wanted an extra pair of eyes and ears here at nighttime, and they wanted that pair to be awake. If my heart stopped, the machine would start screeching, and that was enough to wake anyone up, but it was better to prepare for the possibility that it wouldn’t.
I wasn’t meant to be hooked up to the stuff constantly, only when I was alone in the room for an extended period of time— well, except for the baby monitor. Dr. Lynn wanted that on me as much as possible. But at least now my mom could shower without having to worry about me…It was surreal, seeing all of the people bringing in the medical equipment needed to make me comfortable these final two weeks at home. I just sat out in the hallway in my wheelchair, watching them…
