by Candis Vargo
When they were finally finished, Joel tried to pick me up so he could put me on the bed but I kept pushing him away.
“I got it,” I snapped.
“Cara, come on.”
“No. I got it.”
I was being stubborn and in that moment, I didn’t want to be a burden to him. At least that’s what I was telling myself. Because the more I thought about it, the more I saw.
I still needed a little help to get on to the bed, so Joel still had to help me. I didn’t like it, but it was necessary or I would have fallen to the floor.
The bed used hospital sheets but was made up with my own comforter and pillows, so I wasn’t going to complain. It was still pretty comfortable, and that’s all that really mattered at that point.
“So?” Joel asked, sorrow in his voice.
I looked at him and my heart caved in as my stubbornness faded. I smiled softly and shrugged my shoulders. Reaching to the side of the bed, I grabbed the remote that came with it and pushed the button to raise up the head of it.
“At least I get to adjust the angle on this bed. Ours lacks that luxury,” I tried to joke but Joel wasn’t having any of it.
He lifted up the railings and said, “Doctors orders,” when I looked at him curiously.
Great. Now I couldn’t even be in bed without people fearing I’d fall out of it.
Oh well. I was going to make it through this… at least, I’d make it through this last stretch. I’d survive being confined to my bed and the coming hospitalization. I hated losing my independence but I refused to let this cancer break my spirit.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said as he sat down on the foot of the bed and grabbed my hand. “I shouldn’t have stormed out of there like that. I should have been there for you. I should have been there when Dr. Lynn was telling you everything and thought about your pain. And all those things I said, Cara, I really shouldn’t have. I hurt you and there’s no excuse for it. I’m your husband and it’s my job to take care of you. I never once had a problem with that so please, please know that losing you is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. The worst. I love you, Cara, and don’t you ever forget it.”
I smiled softly. “Joel, it’s okay.
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have hurt you.”
“We all have our weaknesses and most definitely have our breaking points. Do you remember years ago, when we were having our financial trouble? It seemed like bad things kept happening. The windshield on the car got smashed, the TV broke, and I think you cut your hand open on a tire iron when it broke while you were trying to help a stranger on the side of the road. Remember that? You had to go to the emergency room and we had no health insurance, so that was yet another bill we ended up with.”
“This isn’t making me feel any better,” he attempted a laugh.
“Well, after that bill came is when I broke down. Do you remember that? I started crying and yelling, and I’m pretty sure I even blamed you. My point is, I held everything in until I couldn’t anymore, and that’s when I said stuff to you that I didn’t mean. We all do that. It’s what makes us human. And Lord knows how we always
hurt the ones we love the most.”
Joel nodded slowly. “That still doesn’t stop it, though.”
“Stop what?”
“The pain,” tears welled up in his eyes. He continued to speak but his voice became more of a whimper. “It hurts so much, Cara. Not just knowing that I’m losing you, but knowing the pain you’re going through. I just, I don’t get it. Why…why is the world doing this to you? To us? There are people in this world that are just…just horrible and yet they get to cherish all the gifts of life. They probably have great lives and are as healthy as can be but are as evil as the Devil himself. And then there’s you. There’s my sweet, gorgeous wife who deserves the entire world be given to her. You deserve a healthy life and a long one. You deserve the chance to be the old lady next to this old man in rocking chairs telling embarrassing stories about our children, to our grandchildren. God, Cara. It hurts so much and I don’t know how to stop the pain.”
“Just love me,” I whispered. “We wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, loving each other, so let’s do it. I don’t want us to dwell on the pain. I want to spend the rest of our time together smiling.” Joel rubbed his hands down his face, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “You really are too good to me Cara-Bear.”
Taking my chance to lighten the mood, I said, “Yeah, I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?”
Joel laughed and laid his head on my lap. Smiling to myself, I ran my fingers through his hair, which is something that he’s always liked. We sat there in silence but I wasn’t able to quiet my mind.
Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done if I was in his position. Finding out I’m dying is one thing but if I was told that he was dying…I truly don’t know how I could handle something like that. I don’t remember exactly when, but a long time ago I read somewhere that a lot of spouses cheat on their dying husband or wife and search for comfort in a stranger. Not him. I was blessed with him toughing everything out and staying faithful to me…to our vows.
“You know,” Joel said, lifting his head up off of my lap. “I try to tell myself that it’s God’s will, but I can’t. I’m trying, babe, I really am. But it’s hard.”
He laid his head back down and I continued running my fingers through his hair.
I didn’t blame him one bit for storming out of the room earlier or for the things that he said. Everybody has their weaknesses. He felt like the world had betrayed him, that God had betrayed him.
We didn’t go to church a lot, or ever, really. I was always spiritual and believed, but Joel…he was someone who searched for proof in everything. To hear him mention anything about God was huge. It was a huge step for him. So when he said he was trying to see God’s plan in all of this, it lit up my world, so to speak.
And I hadn’t really thought about that before…what God’s plan is for all of this. I’d like to say I saw it, but I didn’t. Did I believe that there was a plan? Absolutely. But I didn’t know what it was…I didn’t have the slightest clue.
I realized how much time he had spent with me over the past few months. If he wasn’t at work, he was with me, dedicating every free moment to taking care of me. I looked at him…really looked at him, and I saw the exhaustion on his face. His eyes were slightly bloodshot and he was beginning to get dark circles under them. He had also lost weight, which I hadn’t noticed before. His hair was shaggy and his beard wasn’t neatly trimmed like it used to be.
I was so caught up in my baby and myself, I hadn’t realized what this was doing to him. He needed a night out. It had been months since he’d even gone out for a guys’ night; he needed to have a night of fun. He needed to know that it was okay to still live his life - that he didn’t need to stop living just because I was sick.
He was watching the love of his life slowly fade away each day while also watching his baby girl grow. No one could ever understand what we went through each day of our lives in that time. If we wanted, we could try to explain it until we were blue in the face but no one would truly understand. Heck, I was actually living it and I couldn’t even understand what he was going through.
I winced as I grabbed my belly and Joel sat up to look at me. The smile on my face let him know it wasn’t out of pain.
“Was that…?”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod.
His smile broadened as he placed his hand on my stomach.
“Hi, baby,” as he spoke Amelia kicked again.
“Look at that,” I said as we watched my stomach move. Sometimes it would be a small bump rolling from one side to the other. Other times it was a quick kick in one spot. Amelia was rolling around in my belly and it reassured me that I was doing the right thing. I hadn’t seen Joel smile a smile like that in a while, and it was nice. He was full of pride and joy, just as any father should be.
“Oh! Hold on,�
� He jumped up and ran out of the room. A moment later he came back in holding the cardboard out of a paper towel roll. He set one end on my stomach and spoke into the other.
“Amelia Rose, I am your father,” he said in his best Darth Vader voice and I laughed.
He continued to speak random phrases into the cardboard tube and at one point Amelia kicked back at the cardboard, causing it to bounce back into Joel’s lips.
“Ow! See this? I’m already going through abuse. Just like your mother…You’re going to be feisty, aren’t you?”
I didn’t say anything. I just sat there and watched him, realizing this was the most perfect my life had ever been.
CHAPTER TEN
It took longer than I thought it would to convince Ryan to take Joel out for a night. It wasn’t like they were going to go to the bar and get loaded or anything because I had bought last minute concert tickets to a band Joel liked. They were playing about an hour away from us, so it’s not like they were going to be that far away.
Still, Ryan kept protesting.
“I really don’t feel right taking Joel away from you, especially for something so…unimportant,” he said.
“Ryan…I already got the tickets. You literally have no choice now. Unless you want it to, just be a waste of money.”
“Cara…you’re killing me here.”
“No, I believe I’m the one that’s dying,” I laughed.
His face whitened as he began
apologizing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“It’s okay, really,” I laughed again. “Lighten up. But in all seriousness, you’re going to the concert. Tonight. I’ll be the one to break the news to him if that’s how it has to be, but you’re going.”
“All right, all right,” he gave in, raising his hands in surrender. “You’re definitely the one that’s telling him, though.”
As he went to walk out of the room, I stopped him. “By the way, I got three tickets.” I smiled mischievously.
“Wait…Cara…what are you doing?” he asked, unimpressed.
He knew what I was doing, that’s why he asked that the way he did. “Beth is going too,” I said quickly.
“Cara.”
“Ryan,” I copied his tone. “You know, as a woman who is dying of cancer, I just want to know that my best friend will be with a man that I know will take care of her and make her happy while giving her the vast amount of independence that we all know she needs.” I placed my hand over my heart and fluttered my eyelashes at him.
“Oh, you did not just use your C-card on me.”
“Why I believe I did,” I said in my best southern accent.
“For fuck's sake, Cara,” he threw his head back, though he was smiling. “Hey, language!”
“Sorry, my bad…”
And that’s part of how I knew he’d be so good for Beth. Ryan was always respectful of me and was one of those rare men who was genuinely a good guy. He didn’t treat me like his best friend’s girl, he treated me like a sister, even though he had said on occasion that he thought I was hot. It’s funny, really, thinking about it. He told Joel one time that I was one of the few women who ‘looked good in anything.’ He said that after he saw me in a pair of scrubs, of all things. After a night shift at that…
Anyway, with him being as genuine as he was and such a fun person to be around, I knew him and Beth would be the next Cara and Joel, and I enjoyed the thought of that.
“You know, it’s okay to let her in,” I said. “We all know about you two doing the dirty so stop being a chicken and make that crap happen.”
Ryan grabbed onto both sides of the doorway and gently tapped his forehead on it. “Fine,” he said, finally caving. “You win.”
I shrugged my shoulder and smiled at him. “I usually do.”
Ryan’s tone got serious for a moment. “You know, Cara, I never really got the chance to say anything to you about all of this.”
I held my hand up. “Ryan, you don’t have to. It’s okay.”
“No, I just, I’m not really good with feelings. Or words. Or anything along those lines, really. What I’m trying to say is it sucks. Like, it really blows. I wish it weren't you because nothing will ever be the same. And I do mean nothing. I really care for you
Cara, and I don’t want you to…”
“Die?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to say that.”
“But that’s exactly what it is,” I gave him a small smile.
“Yeah, but still. I just, I don’t know what to do,” Ryan looked like a child who had lost their blanket and needed it to sleep at night.
“There’s nothing we can do,” I shrugged my shoulders. “Not for me anyway. Just, he’s going to need you, Ryan. He’s really going to need you. Make sure he gets through this, please.”
I’ve never seen Ryan get emotional. Like he said, he didn’t do feelings. That was the truth. But as much as he tried to fight it and hide it, I saw the tears build up in his eyes before he blinked repetitively and looked away.
“But I’m going to need someone, too,” he whispered, no doubt to avoid his voice croaking.
“Hey,” I gave him my best smile, “Amelia is going to need a tough uncle to make sure daddy doesn’t spoil her too much, okay? He may say yes to a lot more than he should.”
“So I have to play the mean guy?” He looked amused.
“Scare those boys away, you got it?”
“Oh, believe me…I got that shi-” he stopped himself from swearing so I didn’t scold him.
We stood there grinning at each other for a moment, and with a soft voice, I spoke.
“Beth,” I said.
“What?”
“Beth will take care of you. She’s strong. She won’t let anyone see her break. She’ll probably cope by baking a bunch of my cookies and spending as much time with Amelia as she can but let her in. She’ll help you too. Let her be your rock.”
Ryan nodded as he looked at the ground. He took a deep breath and his serious demeanor was gone as abruptly as it had come.
“You’re still the one who has to tell Joel about the concert.”
“I always have to be the bad guy,” I laughed.
“I’m not. He’s much nicer to you than he is to me. Plus, you got the looks that make it hard for him to say no. I mean, I am stunning and all, but I’m not his type.”
“Well with logic like that and your… stunning looks, how can I say no to that?”
“Mmhmm, that’s right.”
“Get out of here. Go find Beth or something.” It felt nice to smile after the after the conversation we had just had.
“Alright, but don’t forget… I’m stunning,” he called over his shoulder as he walked out.
Ryan wanted me to be the one to tell Joel for a very good reason because Joel wasn’t happy with it. He didn’t want to leave me, but after a lot of talking, I finally convinced him to go along with it. He needed a night out, and he deserved every second of it and then some. Besides, my mom and dad would both be there with me, in addition to Missy, my home health aide. He really had nothing to worry about.
We were at the point where words became less and less important. It was the moments that had meaning. I know he’d feel like he was betraying me by not spending these moments with me, but I also knew that someday he would look back and smile as he remembered it.
And in all honesty, I needed some alone time too. It seemed like every second of every day someone was right there beside me. Now I could get some alone time without everyone worrying about me because I was hooked up to machines. They didn’t have to worry, and I got some quiet.
Of course, Beth had no problem going. She winked at me and said, “Don’t you worry. I’ll keep an eye on him and whoop some ass if I need to.”
“What is up with everyone cursing in this house so much?” I threw my hands up in the air as I laughed.
“Really, though, we’ll be back before you know it.”
“Okay, but you’re not
going to keep an eye on the boys. You’re going to get some quality time with Ryan that doesn’t involve doing the hibbidy dibbidy.”
Beth gasped, her eyes wide. “You
didn’t.”
“Oh, but I did,” I laughed.
“You played the cancer card!”
“Shh,” I tried to shush her, “Yes, yes I did, and I don’t regret it one bit.” I laughed.
She squealed like a little girl and hopped up to the bed and placed a kiss on my cheek before leaving with the guys for the evening.
I didn’t get my alone time right away because once they were gone, my mom came up to the room.
“Knock, knock,” she said as she walked in, holding a box that was wrapped in silver wrapping paper and decorated with a shiny gold bow.
“What’s that?” I asked as she laid down on the bed with me, sharing my pillow.
Just because I didn’t like surprises doesn’t mean I didn’t like presents. Especially surprise presents- those were the best kind. I may not have known how to react when I opened a gift, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying getting them.
“I got something for you,” she handed the box over to me.
I grabbed the box and shook it, hearing a thud coming from inside. “What is it?”
“You will always act like a five-yearold on Christmas when you get a gift, won’t you?”
“Yup.” I unwrapped it to find, of all things, a shoebox for men’s shoes. “Aw, mom. You shouldn’t have.” I had to keep my spirits up, right? Well, joking was a way for me to do that.
I took the lid off of the shoe box, and inside of it was a thick photo album with a soft fabric lining the outside of it. I flipped it over, revealing the front which had the most beautiful words stitched into it.
“My Mommy, My Hero”
I didn’t cry. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I ran my fingers over the words, knowing how much it must have pained her to do this, but she did it anyway. She did it for me, and for my Amelia Rose, her grandbaby. When I opened it, the first picture I saw wasn’t one that I had expected to see.
