by Candis Vargo
It was me as a baby, being held in my mom’s arms, and in the one beside that I was being held in my dad’s arms. As I looked through the pictures, I realized my mom had documented my life, from birth up until now, and had put it all in photos for my baby girl to see someday. I realized that’s why she had been snapping all those pictures and since there were a few blank pages, I knew she wasn’t done yet. It truly was the sweetest thing she could have given me other than that moment, right there, with her.
We looked at each picture, and she began reminiscing, telling me the stories that went along with each one. There were no tears. There was no sadness. There were only smiles and laughter that filled that room, and it was amazing.
“This picture, this picture is one of my favorites,” she pointed to one of me sitting outside with a small shovel. My arms were crossed over my chest, and I looked as miserable as could be. I couldn’t have been any older than five or six.
“Why this one? I look so mad!”
“Oh, trust me, you were. Your dad and I caught you outside with this shovel as you were trying to dig a hole in the yard. You did succeed in digging a nice sized hole, though because your dad had one heck of a time with it every time he had to mow the lawn—anyway, we asked you what on earth you thought you were doing. We figured maybe you were trying to build a pond for your goldfish or maybe you just wanted a mud puddle, but nope! Can you guess what you said?” by this point, she was laughing hysterically and it was contagious.
“I’m kind of scared to ask.”
“You said…” she had to try to calm her laughing. “You said you were digging to
Chino.”
“Chino?”
“You meant China, but you said Chino and it was so stinking cute. I know most kids think if you dig a hole straight down you’ll end up on the other side of the earth, which for some reason is always China. But you were so mad when we told you that you couldn’t dig all the way to China.” By this point in time, she sounded like a hyena because she was laughing so hard.
“So you had to take a picture?”
“Well yeah. You never know what picture is going to stir up what memory, so that’s why I always had a camera on me.”
“I remember that. Not the Chino thing, but you always having a camera. No matter where we went, there you were taking
pictures of everything.”
“Yeah…” Her laugh was replaced by that smile people get when they lose themselves in their memories.
I leaned my head on hers as we lay there, going through the rest of the pictures and sharing our memories.
After a while she left the room, giving me my much-needed alone time, so I just laid there, staring out the window. I hadn’t noticed it before, but the deep autumn colors had already taken over the trees. They were filled with the oranges and reds that I loved so much. I used to get so excited when the leaves started to change. I always tried to pinpoint the exact week they filled up with their bright colors. Joel used to laugh at me when we would walk down the street in the fall. I would step on every leaf I came across…even the ones that weren’t in my direct path. If there were a random leaf that looked like it would make a nice crunching sound by stepping on it, I would go out of my way to step on it. He loved that about me…it was always the little things with us…
Once again, inspiration hit me, and I knew I was ready to leave some more behind but this time, it wasn’t just for Amelia. Instead of making a video, though, I wanted to write it out. I don’t know why but it always seemed like it was easier to put every emotion into words when you put them on paper. When I talked, I would get distracted easily, forget some things I wanted to say, or I just wasn’t able to express myself the right way. So that’s when I turned to a good old-fashioned notebook and a pencil, and I wrote these letters:
Dear Joel,
There are so many things I could say to you, and I’m really not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll start by letting you know this: you were the best husband any woman could ask for. You made me happier than I could have asked for. I never dreamed in a million years that something like this would happen to us, but I guess that’s how it happens. In a flash, everything you know can become everything you knew. But I want you to know, I’m okay.
Just because our life didn’t turn out the way we had planned on, doesn’t mean you need to stop living. I know you’re going to hurt (and you’d better not have sex for at least six months) and I wish I could be here to help take your pain away.
I want you to be happy again and eventually fall in love again. You deserve every happiness in the world. Just because I’m gone doesn’t mean you have to be sad forever and just because you find love again doesn’t mean you love me any less. Amelia, our little Amelia Rose, is going to need to know what it feels like to have a mommy and a daddy. No, whoever she is, she won’t replace me. And if it’s the right woman, she won’t try to.
Know that I’m always with you both and when you tell Amelia about me, make sure she knows how much I love her. Let her know that when I was pregnant with her, I was happy. The best moment of my life was when we sat together on the couch, our hands on my belly as she kept kicking. I could live a million years, and nothing could top that moment.
I love you forever, Joel. I am blessed to be able to experience such a true love in such a short lifetime.
Until we meet again.
With all my love, Cara.
Dear ‘the one’,
It’s not easy, I can imagine. You’re being a mother to my daughter, and a wife to my husband. I know the wife part isn’t easy, and if Amelia is anything like me, then the mothering part isn’t easy either. But if you truly love them, then you know it’s worth it. And if you’re reading this, then I’m assuming you do truly love them.
A few things about Joel. I’m sure by now you realize how stubborn he can be and how when he’s upset he just shuts down. Know that it’s not you, it’s him. He has this way of thinking where he believes if he just shuts down, then he won’t have to let anyone in.
Bear with him.
He’s going to have a hard time, even when he falls in love with you. The best advice I can give you is to let him know you’re there for him but give him his space. Love him with all of your heart and love him deeply. Yes, a part of him will always be with me, but you must realize how much you truly mean to him for him to choose to live his life with you after I’m gone. And I trust him, so I know he picked the right woman.
I won’t get to be there for Amelia’s firsts. Her first step, her first day of school, her first boyfriend or her first heartache. I pray you’re able to be there for as many firsts as possible. God must have some amazing plans for her since he’s blessed her with two mothers that love her so much and the best dad in the world. Encourage her to chase her dreams and to love with all of her heart. Show her what love is supposed to be like in the way that you love Joel.
I pray for all the happiness in the world for you. And who knows, maybe you’ll even grow the family. Oh! One more thing, please have Amelia watch Beauty and the Beast more than any other Disney movie, if possible…please.
Now, since Joel is now your husband…good luck. Also, don’t let him try to put anything together and keep him away from sanders, he doesn’t mix well with those.
Thank you for being you,
With love, Cara
My Sweet Amelia,
I know it has to be difficult to understand, but one thing I’ve learned is that some things aren’t meant to be understood. I’m sure by this time you’ve already seen some, if not all, of the videos I’ve made for you and may be wondering why I wrote a letter, too. You see, with the videos, you will be able to see me and hear my voice but a letter…a letter you can take with you whenever you need it and read the words. Plus, some things your dad won’t want to hear.
Know that I loved you from the moment I found out I was pregnant and there’s not a day that went by during my pregnancy that I regretted my decision. I know that some
day you will become pregnant as well (see, your dad wouldn’t want to hear that stuff, I bet) and when you do, you will know exactly why it wasn’t even an option for me. The best moments of my life are the ones with you in it, even if you were just in my belly.
I want to tell you that it’s okay to love, and when you do, love deeply. But I also want you to know that in doing so, you will at one point in time have your heart broken. When that day comes, don’t let it stop you from loving again.
Don’t ever let anyone treat you any less than you deserve, and you deserve the world! Don’t ever settle for second best and if your dad doesn’t like him, then good luck.
I want you to know that as a girl, things will be tough. You will seek your independence and fight several battles along the way. You’ll make many good friends and some not so good friends… but always look for the good in people and don’t let the bad spoil the good.
Know you can always talk to your dad. Sure, he may not understand a lot but he loves you just as much as I do, so I know he will do his very best. And if there is someone new in his life, if you have another mom, you can let her in because your dad wouldn’t settle for anyone that wasn’t good enough for the both of you.
Chase your dreams.
I don’t care how silly or small you think it may be; never give up on your dreams. Nothing good will ever happen if you don’t, and most regrets start with ‘I never,’ so chase them.
Get out of your comfort zone and remember that every Happily Ever After started with Once Upon A Time, so make your story a story worth telling.
I love you from the bottom of my heart, Amelia Rose. And I know you’ll grow up to be an impeccable woman. I’m so proud of you.
With all my love,
Your Mommy (or just mom by the time you get this)
Later that evening I got my first visit from the counselor. I say first visit because I knew that she was going to want more. What counselor didn’t? When the doorbell rang, I could hear my mother as she answered it. She didn’t usually speak that loud so I don’t know if she did it intentionally or not, but I was able to hear her all the way up in my room.
“Hi! You must be here for Cara,” my mom said.
I couldn’t hear what the counselor said but I heard my mom give her directions to my room. When the counselor walked in, I realized it wasn’t a her. It was a him.
I don’t know why I assumed the counselor would be female. Maybe it’s because I found females easier to talk to or it was the stereotype that men didn’t listen to us women when we spoke…or maybe it was because I felt like a man couldn’t understand my point of view as a woman. I honestly don’t know, but once I realized it was a guy, I instantly clammed up. I was secondguessing my decision on agreeing to this.
“Hi, Cara. I’m Shawn,” he said with an obnoxiously large grin on his face as he gestured towards the chair in the corner. “May I?”
Really? Because I was going to yell at him and throw tomatoes, telling him he couldn’t sit there. I found myself getting very annoyed by this point, and it had only just begun.
“Yeah, go ahead,” I put on my best smile. For being so sick and weak, it was still a pretty good smile.
He sat down in my gray chair and held a tablet on his lap. I thought he would have a clipboard with paper and a pen, but nope. It was a tablet. Maybe he was one of those counselors that played games on it while pretending to listen to you. I could deal with that… It also helped that when I looked at him, I didn’t really get the counselor vibe. I knew he was one, yeah, but he didn’t look like one. His hair, though short, was a mess. I wasn’t sure if he did that on purpose as a style or if he literally woke up like that. He wore some boot cut jeans with a pair of work boots and a hoodie. He looked like someone who was just hanging out rather than someone there on the job, and he was about the age of my parents.
“So, how are you holding up?”
“As best as I can be,” I held my hands out and looked around the room.
“Yeah, that’s got to suck.”
I was a little taken aback by his statement, not quite sure what to think for a moment. He was starting to seem like he wasn’t the average counselor…and I kind of liked that.
“Yeah, it does, but honestly, it’s worth it.” I didn’t realize I had placed my hands protectively over my belly until I was done speaking.
“Not too much longer, right?”
“Nope. A little more than a month, if I make it to my due date. I most likely won’t, but I’m okay with that as long as she’s healthy.”
Damn it. He already had me talking without even trying.
He slowly nodded as he looked at me curiously. “So, your mom said you sent your husband out for the night?”
“Yeah, well, he’s been cooped up in this place as long as I have, and he needed a good night out to get his mind off of
everything.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“It was my idea,” I laughed. “He has stood by my side through everything…through all of this. I don’t want to see him worry all the time, I want to see him happy again.”
“You know,” he said after a moment. “I’m pretty positive my wife would do the same thing as you if she were in your situation. We have a daughter of our own and if she ever had to choose between herself and our daughter, I know without a doubt she’d choose our daughter.”
I didn’t see the ring on his hand until he mentioned being married. I guess that wasn’t something I traditionally looked for on people. I know some people did that, but I wasn’t one of them. Mentioning that he had a daughter was a very smart tactic to get me talking, even if it was a lie. I didn’t know if it was or not, but that’s when I started to do my word vomit.
“I guess it’s just our instinct, to protect our young. You know, people consider it normal for a tiger to fight to the death to protect her young but here, as a human…they act like I should have chosen my life over hers. I’ll never understand how we can see something as completely natural for animals but yet not have it be okay for us.”
Shawn leaned back in the chair and threw one leg up over the other as he placed his tablet on the floor. “Are you kidding me? My wife dealt with people saying she was disgusting for breastfeeding our child in public - now mind you, she still had a blanket covering it all up, but that didn’t matter. I even heard people use the term ‘unnatural’ when it came to her breastfeeding,” he stopped to laugh. “But at the same time, we drink milk from a cow’s boob. That is deemed the new normal while human milk is deemed disgusting.”
There was something about him saying boob that made me laugh. I was starting to like this guy. He wasn’t too bad. That’s when it dawned on me…I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. Even if I made it through labor and delivery… I wouldn’t be able to give my baby any of my milk.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, noticing the look on my face.
“I never thought about not being able to breastfeed my baby before. I mean, I knew she was going to have to eat so we have some formula and bottles but it never actually dawned on me…I don’t know. I know she’ll be okay with the formula but I guess I just wish I’d have that opportunity.”
“You feel cheated?”
“That, and then some. There are people who throw their babies in dumpsters because they don’t want to be a parent and that’s what I want more than anything in the world.”
“What’s that, exactly? What you want more than anything?”
And he got me. That’s when I poured my heart and soul out to him. I told him that I wanted to be a mom. I wanted the chance so see my husband change a dirty diaper for the first time. I wanted those sleepless nights and stressful moments that most parents took for granted. I wanted to watch Joel sing her a lullaby and tuck her into bed. I wanted to have a bond and connection with my daughter at the same time that she was a daddy’s girl because that was inevitable.
I wanted to sing her her ABC’s and teach her how to count…and that’s
when he gave me an idea of what else I could record for Amelia.
I liked this guy…
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Shawn handed me an old fashioned tape recorder. You know the kind that fits in your purse or your pocket, and you actually have to put one of those mini tapes in it? Yeah, that kind.
“Here,” he said as he held it out for me.
“Were you recording me?” Seriously. Why would he have that thing on him if he weren’t recording me the entire time? Aren’t they supposed to disclose if they’re recording you or not?
“No,” he laughed. “Sometimes I do record my sessions with patients, but I wasn’t going to use it for you. I have a patient later this evening that I like to record my sessions with. So here. Take it. It has a brand new tape in it so it’s ready to go.”
“I can’t take that,” I said, modestly. Remember how I said everyone wants to give you something when they find out you’re dying? Yeah. This was one of those times. I swear some people would literally offer you the shirt off of their back when they found out you were dying. Now, I’m sure there are some people who didn’t mind that kind of thing and some that took advantage of it, but I wasn’t one of those people. No, he wasn’t offering me his shirt but still…it still felt wrong to me.
“I’ve got more at home. It’s okay, really.” He placed it down at the foot of my bed. Damn him.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “It means a lot.” And it did…it really did.
“No problem,” he tapped the edge of my bed. “Is it okay if I see you again the day you move into the hospital?”
I groaned. “When you put it like that it makes it sound so much worse.”
Chuckling, he said, “I’m sorry. Can I see you again when they force you to endure the lengthy stay in the hospital?”
“I guess that’s a little better,” I shrugged. “I suppose so…”
