by Candis Vargo
We laughed together, and he said, “See you then, Cara.”
When Shawn left, my mom immediately came in. I loved that woman to death—no pun intended—and I was grateful that she was there with me, but boy was she nosy.
“So, how’d it go?” she sat at the foot of the bed and placed a hand gently on my leg.
“It wasn’t so bad, really. If there was any counseling done, then I sure as heck didn’t notice it.”
“That’s wonderful sweetheart,” she smiled that same sad smile at me. I began to wonder if I’d ever see her old smile again. “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you something?”
“Actually, if you could just help me? I’d like to go spend some time in Amelia’s room.”
“I don’t know sweetie.” I wasn’t sure if she didn’t want to be bothered with having to move me or if she was just worried.
“The machines are portable, Mom…”
“I know…it’s not that. It’s just, I worry. And I really don’t want to accidently hurt you.”
Just then my dad came in the room. “It’s okay, Maria. I’ll help her.”
My mom definitely didn’t look happy, but she knew not to argue when my dad and I were on the same team. Two stubborn heads were stronger than one and my mom and I both knew that my dad was still trying to make up for everything he had said. No matter how much we told him that it was okay and that he didn’t need to try and make up for anything, he wouldn’t listen. I wasn’t holding anything against him and I wanted him to stop holding everything against himself.
Anyway, Dad unstrapped some of the monitors, keeping the baby’s monitor around my stomach. He slid one arm under my knees and the other one around my back as I wrapped mine around his neck. Gently, he picked me up and placed me down in my wheelchair. I had to hold up my gray sweat pants because they felt like they were two sizes too big, but my shirt hugged my stomach.
Dad wheeled me into Amelia’s room and helped me stand up and take a few steps so I could sit in the rocking chair.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“You’re welcome, baby girl.”
He was about to walk out of the room when I remembered I needed a few things.
“Hey, Dad,” I said.
“Yeah, sweetie,” he turned around and smiled softly at me.
I returned the smile. “Can you get the basket of books off of the dresser?”
“Sure thing, pumpkin.” He grabbed the brown, wicker basket from Amelia’s dresser, sat it in my wheelchair since it was right beside me, and asked if I needed anything else.
“No, I’m okay. Thank you.”
He kissed me on the top of the head before he said, “I’m going to be checking on you every ten minutes—maybe five.”
I laughed and told him that I would be fine, but I knew he would check on me anyway. When he left the room, he closed the door behind him, and I grabbed the tape recorder out of my pocket. I eyed it for a few moments, smiling.
Now it was time for me to sing my baby girl to sleep.
I rocked in the chair as I held the tape recorder in one hand while holding my baby in the other—even if it was just through holding my belly. As I looked down at my belly, I smiled and imagined myself rocking my baby girl to sleep as I sang into the tape recorder. I sang several different lullabies, even though my voice wasn’t anywhere close to something people usually wanted to listen to. I knew my baby girl would want to hear her mommy’s voice after she was born, and knowing I was going to be able to sing her to sleep warmed my heart. I knew, without a doubt, that Joel would play these songs for her and who knows, maybe someday she would play them for her baby too.
So I sang the best I could, pouring my heart and soul into the words.
I don’t know how long I was singing, but my dad hadn’t come in to check on me. I figured he was going to, but each time he stopped right outside the door and listened. He probably didn’t want to disturb me, giving me this moment.
I sang at least ten lullabies. I’m sure I messed up the words in a lot of them, but I knew I at least got Twinkle Twinkle Little Star right… I even sang the ABC’s to her, determined that I get to take some part in teaching her something.
It took me a little longer to get through all of the songs because I had to keep taking breaks so I could catch my breath. I tried to make it so the sound of me catching my breath wouldn’t stand out too much on the tape, but I don’t know how successful I was. I didn’t want Amelia to hear me breathing like that. I didn’t want that to be in her memories.
After I was done singing, I started reading the books. I decided I would record myself reading bedtime stories on the tape recorder because I had other plans for the fun books. I animated the stories as best as I could, giving each of the characters their own voices. I always felt that doing that made stories feel more alive, and it had to help kids enjoy books more, right?
When I was done reading the bedtime books, I had to sit and wait for my dad to come back. I was so weak anymore that I didn’t even have the strength to yell for him. It was only a few more minutes before he came and knocked on the door as he opened it.
“You doing okay in here?”
“Yes, Dad,” I smiled. “But can you do me one more favor?”
“Well, now, that depends on what it is,” he joked.
“Can you go down to the office and grab the video camera and the tripod? I’d like to record me reading some of these books for Amelia.”
“That’s really sweet, baby. Yeah, I’ll go get it.”
He brought the camera, set it up in front of me, and turned it on. He adjusted the focus, so I was seen clearly and at my request, he did his best to hide my oxygen tank—though my tubes weren’t going anywhere because they couldn’t.
My dad placed a pillow behind my back and helped me try to sit tall, so I could be comfortable while reading the books. Once we were all set up, Dad left the room again, giving me more time alone. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had that much alone time, but it was nice.
I read a bunch of different books, mostly Dr. Seuss books, and had the pictures facing the camera as though I was reading to a real person. I wanted her to be able to see the story as I read it to her, even if it did take me a long time to get through each book. She probably wouldn’t sit still long enough to get through a story I read her, not until she was older, but I knew that someday she would enjoy having these things I was leaving her.
It’s the little things in life that mean the most.
By the time I was done with everything, I was exhausted. My dad carried me back into my room and laid me down on the bed. He hadn’t even finished hooking me up to the machines before I was asleep.
Every morning for the next week, I woke up to Joel by my side. Some days he was curled up on the bed with me, other days he was sitting in a chair with his head resting by my side. But it never failed. Every time I opened my eyes, he was right there, and every day he still brought me my daisy.
The morning before I was supposed to move into the hospital, I woke up to Joel sleeping in a chair he had moved up to the side of my bed. I didn’t want to disturb him, but he looked uncomfortable, so I reached over and ran my hand through his hair. He opened his eyes and smiled as he looked up at me.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
“Good morning, studly. How’d you sleep?
“I had nightmares about make-out sessions and a lot of butt-grabbing.”
I narrowed my eyes, looking at him curiously. “What? Nightmares?”
“Ever since the concert when Ryan and Beth hooked up they’ve been all over each other, and it’s quite disturbing at times.”
I laughed. “Yeah, well you’re happy for them, and you know it.”
“Yeah but I’d be a lot happier if-”
“If you stopped dreaming about it?” I laughed again.
“Nightmares, babe. They’re called nightmares.”
“Good morning, sweetheart,” my mom said as she knocked on the door. “I m
ade some oatmeal for you. Brown sugar, your favorite.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I lifted the head of my bed up as she brought the tray over and sat it on my lap. I noticed two daisies lying across the tray. “What’s this?”
“Complements of the hubby,” she winked at Joel.
“I get two today? What’s the occasion?”
Joel's smile faded. “You don’t remember?”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh please, I’ve hit you with a teddy bear for not remembering our anniversary, you really think I’d forget?”
He narrowed his gaze at me though he was smiling again. “You are one evil woman Cara Michaels.”
“I know,” I shrugged one shoulder as I brought a daisy up to my nose to smell it.
He stood up and gave me a kiss. He said, “Happy anniversary, you evil, evil woman whom I love. I have quite the day planned for us.”
“Oh, you do, do you?” I raised my brow.
“That’s right.”
“And what’s that?”
“Well, then,” he said. “What kind of anniversary gift would it be if I ruined it for you?”
“Fine,” I sighed. Now, I could be persistent and fight the cancer all I wanted, but I wasn’t going to fight with him to find out what he had planned. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t win because believe me, I would. I just chose to let him surprise me. And if I happened to figure out what his plans were throughout the day, well then so be it.
“Now finish your breakfast while I go get a start on the best anniversary ever.”
I smiled and did as he said. I started to eat my oatmeal, but it wasn’t long until it wasn’t settling with my stomach. God, how I longed for a good steak and potatoes, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same now. Food didn’t taste the same anymore, and even with the medicine, the doctor gave me, I still threw up a good portion of what I ate. I had taken a few more bites of my oatmeal before I gave up on it.
Joel came back and took the tray from my lap. “Not that hungry?”
I knew he wished I’d eat more but he understood why I couldn’t. I shook my head. “Not really,” I said.
“That’s all right, I don’t blame you. You know how much I hate oatmeal. Although I haven’t told your mom that, so don’t you go tattling on me.”
We spent the day together, just the two of us. Though I really didn’t get out of bed, we still spent the time laughing and sharing stories of our life. They were stories we previously told each other but that didn’t matter. There wasn’t any tears or sorrow, just smiles that we shared. The day flew by and before I knew it, it was nearing four in the evening. Joel got up and walked across the room and it wasn’t until he reached on the shelf that I noticed the camera.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he grabbed the camera, turning it off.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I just wanted record us being us, you know. I want Amelia to have more than just pictures of us. This way, she’ll be able to see who we are together. See how good and happy we are.”
To me, that was one of the sweetest things he could have done. Now, our daughter would be able to actually see us together, opposed to hearing stories.
“Come on,” Joel smiled at me, and brought the chair over to the bed.
“Where are we going?” I asked as I looked around like I would somehow find the answer in the room.
“Well, we are all alone in this house right now, so you get to do what every homeowner wants to do.”
“What’s that?”
“Be naked during the day in your own house.”
I raised my eyebrow in mock seriousness. “Oh no, I believe that’s just what you have always wanted to do.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, “Yeah. It has been a while since I got to do that.”
“You are not putting my naked butt in that chair.”
“What? Why not?” Joel tried to act like he was upset but he couldn’t hide the laughter in his voice.
“Oh, you know why. I’ll be suction cupped to that thing and won’t be able to get out.”
“Nonsense.”
“I’m not getting in that chair naked…”
“Fine,” he sighed, a little too dramatically.
I loved how he kept his sense of humor through everything. It helped me keep up my own humor. When Joel unhooked me from the machines, it was like a breath of fresh air since I always seemed to be hooked up to them. It felt like I was free…
But of course, Joel couldn’t do something so sweet without continuing to be weird. The first thing he took off was my fuzzy socks—those things were comfortable. He took the first one off and made a face like my feet smelled bad, which, for all I knew, they could have. He held it with one finger before he flung it behind him, doing the same with my other sock.
After getting me into my chair, he wheeled me into the bathroom where he had filled the bathtub up with water and lit a scented candle that was left over from fall. It was supposed to smell of autumn leaves, but to me, it just smelled like dirt. I wasn’t about to tell Joel that, as he had clearly put a lot of thought into this. After he had removed my shirt, he helped me stand up, slide my pants down, and step into the tub.
Most women would expect floating candles and rose petals when their husband ran a bath for them, but I never cared for that. I would have managed to find a way to burn myself if there were candles in the water and the rose petals? Well, they just stuck to you when you got out, or at least they did to me.
But the best thing of all was Joel helping me bathe. I sat there, holding my knees, enjoying the warmth of the water. Joel gently scrubbed my back and used a cup to scoop up some water and rinse the soap off.
“You truly are beautiful, you know that?”
I didn’t understand how he could be looking at my back and saying that. No doubt my bones were sticking out with only a thin layer of skin covering them. My muscle mass was nearly nonexistent. But I also knew that no matter how horrible or unattractive I felt, I knew that I would always be beautiful in his eyes.
I turned my head to the side to try and look back at him. “Thanks,” I said.
I leaned my head back, and he washed my hair. The rest of the time I was in the tub we were silent. We didn’t need words to try and comfort each other or to keep us entertained. Not anymore. It was merely the gesture and kindness that mattered now. It was the moments, not the words. Anyone could say anything they wanted, but to be able to feel it in your soul was something completely different.
My mom always told me not to fall for the fool who tells me he loves me, but instead fall for the man that shows me he cares. And what Joel was doing for me - that showed it all. No amount of words could come remotely close to touching that moment. There were no words that could replace it. That was the kind of love that people dream about.
After my bath, Joel dressed me into another t-shirt and some sweats. It seemed like that was all that fit me these days, and they didn’t even fit me the way they were supposed to. I had to wear my pants down below my belly, so they always had to be a pair that tied. I tried the maternity pants, but they weren’t that comfortable, especially when laying down in a bed all day. So I only ever wore those when I went out somewhere, which was never, now. It was a little easier finding shirts because all I needed was to get one large enough to cover my belly, and they made the cutest maternity shirts. I just tried to get some that covered my collarbones because the way they bulged out made me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I mention all that because of what happened next. Leave it to Beth to show up with an armful of clothes. Dresses, to be exact.
“What on earth are you doing?” I asked as she placed the dresses on my bed. She smiled broadly.
“So, since Joel has something so nice planned for you two tonight, I wanted to get you something special to wear.” “Um, I have clothes, Beth.”
“Do you have any dresses that are going to fit around your baby belly? No? All right then, I didn’t think so,” the look of pride on her f
ace was adorable. I really couldn’t have asked for a better friend…
It was pretty exhausting, but Beth had me try on five different dresses, trying to find the one that I liked the best. The black one made me look like I was a florescent light bulb at nighttime, and the light blue one made me look sicker than I was. The one with stripes that went horizontally across it, well, that just made me look like I was carrying triplets. There was no way in heck I was going to wear the black and white striped one, not after seeing what I looked like in both those styles separately— I could only imagine what I’d look like in it. And imagine it is what we did because I
didn’t try it on. Beth agreed with me, though, so she had no problem throwing it to the side.
The only dress left was the gray maxi dress. I thought that it would be almost like the black dress was on me, because it was a decently dark gray. But when I put it on, it actually looked pretty nice. It was long enough to hide my legs, and the sleeves were long, but it was a low cut top that showed every inch of my collarbones that I wanted to hide, and it proved difficult to get off. I got stuck in it for a minute, and Beth had to help me get it off by pulling it up over my head as I held my arms up.
“Well,” she looked disappointed. “I guess it’s a good thing I brought backup.”
“What?”
She left the room and ran downstairs before coming back up with a bag.
“Here,” she said as she handed it to me.
I opened the bag and in it was a new pair of Victoria Secret sweatpants and an extra-large sweater that was big enough to fit over my belly. Why did she wait until now to give me this?
“Why didn’t you just bring this in, to begin with?”
“Because if you saw it you wouldn’t have even tried on the dresses. And I was hopeful, dang it.”
I held up the sweater, looking at it. “It’s perfect,” I smiled, truly happy for the new pants. I’d need them in the hospital anyway.
“So, what’s Joel got planned?”
“Heck if I know, he wouldn’t even tell me! I tried, oh believe me. But apparently, he thinks I have a big mouth and will spoil it for you.”
