Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8

by Blake, Lillianna

  “It’s not silly. Stress gets to all of us.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “It’s nice to have this time—feeling relaxed and getting to share it with you.”

  “Thanks. I’m really enjoying this too.” She paused a moment and gazed down at his long fingers.

  His hand was very relaxed, with almost no tension in his muscles. She considered allowing him to remain just like that, but he’d made an offer that she didn’t want to overlook. He might never give her another opportunity.

  “So, it’s your turn.”

  He looked up at her and frowned.

  She sensed that he thought she’d forgotten.

  “Alright, I’ll tell you why they left.”

  “No.” She shook her head and trailed her thumb along the back of his hand in a slow circular pattern. “I don’t want to know that. I want to know what it was like for you, how you felt, what was missing?”

  “My first wife said—”

  “No.” She looked into his eyes. “I want to know what you experienced.”

  “Not my shortcomings?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “I could list a few things that I feel my ex could have done better, and I’m sure he could list a few things about me that I could have done better. But that’s not what I’m interested in. People always seem to want to avoid talking about the end of a marriage, but to me, that’s when you find out the most about yourself. You get down to that raw, emotional, genuine place and discover how to move on. I learned a lot about myself during that time. That’s what I’m curious about.”

  “Maybe I’m not as interesting as you.” He drew his hand back some, but interlaced his fingers with hers. “Maybe I don’t have that raw genuine place.”

  “I think you do. What I don’t understand is why you seem so afraid to show it to me.”

  “I’m not afraid.” His jaw rippled.

  She shook her head. “How old are you?”

  “Forty-eight. Why?”

  “And you’re still afraid to admit to being afraid?”

  “I said I wasn’t afraid. I just think you’re dwelling on something that doesn’t need to be dwelled on. What is over, is over. Why should it be revisited?”

  “Don’t you think that the experiences you have in life shape you? It’s a way that I can get to know you. I think it’s pretty clear that you enjoy children if you work with them, but through two marriages you didn’t have any. There are so many things I’m curious about, but every time I try to get past your walls, you raise them even higher.”

  He was silent long enough that she wondered if she’d pushed him too far. A moment of insecurity made her question if he even wanted to get to know her.

  “I’ve heard that before.” He lifted his gaze to hers and frowned. “I’ve gotten used to not answering questions, I suppose.”

  “If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, Thomas. I’m not going to force anything out of you. But I would like to feel that I know something about you. Is that so wrong?”

  He smiled a little. “No, it’s not wrong. I’m glad that you want to know about me.”

  “Then share something with me. How does a man who adores kids end up with none himself?”

  Chapter 14

  The question pushed the air right out of his lungs. It was the one regret he carried with him. His life was filled with many things that he’d never found a way to accomplish, but being a father was one of the things that Thomas didn’t like to think about. The way she stared at him with her eyes wide and her expression welcoming, he wanted to please her. But the subject she touched on was a painful one for him. Still, he didn’t want to disappoint her, and perhaps it was the right time to talk about it.

  “I did want to have children. When I married my first wife, I thought we were going to start a family right away. She had a different idea. She wanted me to leave my job—to get a better-paying job—before we could have kids. I don’t blame her for that. Most people want more.” He shook his head. “I really thought about it. But my students mattered to me. The thought of being closed off in an office somewhere shuffling paperwork—I just couldn’t. So it was a deal breaker for her. She said that I lacked ambition. She didn’t want to be held back by me.” His words caught in his throat as he recalled just the way that statement had torn him to shreds. “I couldn’t be what she needed, so it was best that it ended.”

  Her fingers curled around his in a light squeeze. “It doesn’t sound that way to me. It sounds like you wanted to live your passion, to help children who needed you. How could someone fault that?”

  “Passion doesn’t buy houses or fancy cars or private school.” He shrugged and sat back in his chair.

  “Money isn’t everything.”

  “Easy to say.” He locked eyes with her, then cleared his throat. “When I met my second wife she was a child advocate for the court system. We connected well when it came to the workplace. But at home it was a different story. I was ready to have children. She said she was too, but there was always a reason not to. First, it was the wrong time at work—no one to help pick up the slack if something went wrong with the pregnancy. Then it was a friend’s wedding she didn’t want to be pregnant for. After a few years, she finally admitted that she didn’t want to get pregnant. I suggested adoption, but she didn’t think she could handle it. So, I stopped wanting to have children. I told her if she didn’t want to be a mother that was okay, and I could deal with not being a father. But she constantly accused me of resenting her for it. I didn’t, at least I don’t think I did. The fights got worse and worse. One day she just moved out.”

  “Thomas I’m so sorry. That must have been very rough on you.”

  “Not as rough as seeing her with her new husband and twin boys at a fundraiser last year.” He chuckled. “I guess it wasn’t that she didn’t want to have kids, she just didn’t want to have them with me.” He spread his hands out in front of him in a helpless gesture. “It’s not as if I didn’t try. It just wasn’t the hand I was dealt.”

  “It could still be an option.” She smiled. “You seem like you would be a wonderful father.”

  “No, it’s too late now.”

  “Not at all. You’re still in your prime.”

  “I don’t think so. I’m a little old-fashioned. I’d want to be married before I had a child. I like the idea of having a family, not just being a parent.”

  “Me too.” She spoke so quietly that he had to lean forward some.

  “It must be difficult for you—as a single mother?”

  “It’s not really. Not like it is for most women. I have more than I need, and Emma’s father is an amazing man. He is a very big part of her life. She’s with him and his wife now, so I can be here.”

  “Then I’m glad you have some support. I’m sure it’s not what you planned on, though.”

  “No.” She sighed. “It isn’t. I wanted a family too. A big one.” She took a sip of her water. “I never imagined I’d only have just one child. Not to say that Emma isn’t perfect. I’m so grateful to have her. I don’t know how I’d feel if I didn’t.” Sympathy grew in her expression as she looked at him. “I’m sorry that you haven’t gotten to experience that yet.”

  “It’s fine.” He smiled. “I’ll manage. I have many children that rely on me. It’s not the same, but it’s close, and I know that I make at least a little bit of a difference in their lives.”

  “Still. You could find someone. Get married. Have a child.” She tilted her head to the side. “Do you ever think about that.”

  “Honestly? No. I can’t think of a single reason I’d ever put myself through marriage again.”

  “Aha.” She smiled. “So it did affect you.”

  “Of course it did.” He brushed some crumbs from his hands. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

  “Okay.” She finished the last bite of her food and signaled to the waitress. “If we hurry we can catch a show before we head back to the cruise ship.”

  “A show?
Here on the island?”

  “Yes.”

  The waitress returned with the bill. Thomas reached out to take it, but Natasha snatched it from her before he could. His eyes narrowed and he held his hand out for the bill.

  “I said I would pay.”

  “I know you did.” She pulled out her wallet.

  “Natasha, I’m serious.” He placed his hand over her hand that held the wallet. “I’m paying.”

  She eyed him for a moment. “Why?”

  “Because this is our first official date.”

  “Me paying makes it less of a date?” She raised an eyebrow in a way that signaled trouble.

  “I can pay for it, just give me the bill.” He reached into his pocket for his wallet.

  Before he could get it out, Natasha handed some cash to the waitress along with the bill.

  “Natasha.” His voice was rough even to his own ears. “Why would you do that?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” She stared hard at him.

  “It’s disrespectful.” He narrowed his eyes.

  “Disrespectful?” She laughed and stood up from the table. “Oh my, Thomas, you have a lot to learn about me.” She turned and stepped out the door.

  He clenched his jaw and attempted to think through his reaction, but that only lasted a split second before he stalked after her. Just outside the restaurant he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back against him.

  “You have a lot to learn about me too.”

  Chapter 15

  Natasha’s heart raced when she felt his arm around her. Had she misjudged Thomas? Did he have a temper that would verge on violence? The very thought made her stomach churn.

  “Thomas, it’s nothing to be upset about. It’s just a meal. Let me go.”

  “I can’t. Not yet.” His lips tickled across the curve of her cheek and drew back along the slope of her neck.

  The sensation sparked her desire for him, but she still attempted to pull away.

  “Thomas, I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.” She tried to catch his eyes, but he held her too tight for her to turn around.

  He laughed softly just beside her ear. “You’re going to hurt me?”

  “If I have to.”

  “You don’t.” He kissed her cheek and released her. “There’s something you should know about me, Natasha. I always pay my way. So since you paid for lunch, now I’m in your debt. I was only trying to repay it—in a passionate way. I’m sorry if I frightened you.”

  “I wasn’t afraid.”

  “Hm. Someone else doesn’t like to admit it?”

  “Oh, stop!” She laughed and shoved his arm.

  “No, don’t, you might hurt me.” He grimaced and pulled away.

  “That’s not funny.” She laughed despite her declaration and grabbed his hand. “You’re full of surprises, you know that, Thomas?”

  “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” He looked into her eyes.

  “I don’t know yet.” Her heart began to slow but the way he’d seized her with such boldness lingered in her mind. She slipped her hand into his and led him down the narrow streets toward one of the beaches.

  When they reached it there was already a crowd.

  “Might be too late to actually see it.” He frowned.

  “Not if you know where the best view is.”

  “Hm?” He turned as she pulled him toward a grove of trees.

  “Aha, see.” She grabbed on to a rope ladder that hung from the tree.

  “How did you know that would be there?”

  “I didn’t. At least I didn’t know it would be a ladder. In every place I’ve visited, it seems the kids always find a way to get the best view of whatever show is being put on. Most of the time it’s in the trees, and they have ropes or wood nailed to the bark to climb. Lucky for us, we get a ladder. Are you up for it?” She looked over at him and smiled.

  “Absolutely. You first.”

  Natasha grinned and shook her head. “No I don’t think so. You first.”

  “Alright, fine.” He climbed the ladder to a small wooden plank that was hammered in between two tree limbs.

  When he turned back and offered her his hand, she was startled for a moment by how handsome he looked illuminated by the streams of sunlight that filtered through the thick leaves. She took his hand and allowed him to pull her some of the way up, even though she was capable of climbing on her own.

  His muscles rippled as he drew her against him. The board was so narrow that the most comfortable position they could find was with her perched in his lap. He rested his back against the tree and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist.

  She relaxed against him and was surprised by how comfortable she felt. Below them entertainers engaged in a traditional dance. The flash of colors, fascinating movement, and jovial music competed to draw her attention. But all she could focus on was the way his fingertips glided up and down along her forearm.

  “This is wonderful.” He gazed past her at the show below. “I never would have thought about climbing into a tree—or sneaking off to an isolated beach, for that matter. You’ve made this such a memorable experience for me.”

  “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” She stole a glance up at him. “I really appreciate the company.”

  “Does that mean our fist official date can lead to a second official date?”

  “If that’s what you want.” She looked into his eyes. “Is it?”

  “Absolutely.”

  She smiled, but her thoughts traveled back to his declaration of never marrying again. She didn’t know how much further she wanted things to progress with Thomas if he didn’t want a serious relationship. That was what she wanted. She wanted marriage, and if that was off the table for him, what was the point?

  She pushed the thought from her mind and rested her head against his shoulder. All that really mattered was that very moment and the fact that there was nowhere on earth that she’d rather be.

  When Thomas curved his arms around her shoulders and folded his hands over hers, she closed her eyes. The sensation of him surrounding her was so powerful that she yearned to curl right up against him and never let him go. It was then that she realized it was already too late. She was in too deep, and the thought of saying goodbye after the cruise filled her with dread already.

  They’d only spent one day together, and yet she felt more connected with him than she would have ever imagined possible. Maybe she felt more than he did. Maybe she just wanted so badly to be loved again that she was making things seem more magical than they really were. She’d have to take a breath and really think about what was happening between them.

  But there was time for that when she got back to the ship. For the moment, she could savor his warmth and the fantasy that it might lead to something more.

  Chapter 16

  After the show they melded in with the rest of the crowd that waited to get back on the ship. Several times Thomas glanced over at Natasha with anticipation. He looked forward to more time alone with her once they were on board.

  But when they reached the main deck, she pulled away from him.

  “Thanks for the fun, Thomas. I had a great time today.”

  “So did I.” He searched her eyes.

  “Have a good evening.” She turned on her heel and walked away.

  Thomas stared after her in such shock that he couldn’t even summon the words to call her back. After such a surprising experience on the island, he didn’t expect her to just disappear.

  As the crowd milled around him his thoughts raced. Had she been more offended by things he’d said than she admitted? He lingered there for a few more minutes as he tried to decide whether to go after her or not. Finally he pushed through the crowd toward his room.

  The more he thought about the day they’d spent together the more he recognized the moments that might have made her uncomfortable. The way he’d avoided her questions probably drove her crazy.

  He shoved the door open to his r
oom and pushed it closed again behind him. In the isolation of his small space, his mind flooded with the signs that he’d missed in both of his marriages. The hints that they’d been unhappy, the signals that they weren’t going to remain committed to the marriage, were all there—he’d just missed them.

  Had he missed Natasha’s signals too? It had started out well, but maybe she was bored with him by the end of the day.

  He splashed some water on his face and stared hard into the mirror.

  “Enough of this. There’s no reason to get so caught up in a woman you barely know.”

  As he sank down on the end of his bed he didn’t feel as if he barely knew her, though. His skin still buzzed in the places she’d touched him. The memory of her kiss, and the snap of the paper fan she’d hid them behind, filled him with warmth. It couldn’t just be his imagination. She must have felt it too.

  He shook his head and grabbed his phone. He couldn’t get lost in his thoughts if he was checking on things back home. He dialed the number of his friend, Donald, another teacher, who had volunteered to cover his classes.

  “When are you coming back?”

  “No hello? No how are you?” Thomas chuckled.

  “I’m counting down the days. Just don’t tell me that you’ve decided to stay on in some island paradise.”

  “Not yet. What’s wrong?”

  “Just the usual. I don’t know what you do to get these kids to get their work done, but apparently only you are capable of doing it.”

  “It takes a little creativity with that bunch.”

  “Well, apparently I don’t have any of that creativity.”

  “Just relax. They can sense your fear, you know.”

  “Oh yes, and they’ve been having a great time torturing me. But at the end of the day, every day, the only question they ask is when is Mr. Daniels coming back.”

  Thomas smiled a little. He didn’t like that his friend was having a hard time, but it did mean a lot to him that his students missed him.