Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8

by Blake, Lillianna

  “How are the boys doing?”

  “They’re okay, I think—as far as I can tell.” She sighed a little.

  “They’re lucky to have you.”

  “I wish I felt that way. It feels like I’m trying so hard, but all I see are things I could be doing better.”

  “It’s hard to see for yourself, but I can’t tell you how much I admire you as a parent. You’re always putting your boys first.”

  “Maybe one day I’ll see that.”

  “You will.” He reached over and stroked the curve of her cheek.

  She shied back from his touch.

  His chest tightened. He couldn’t even touch her without frightening her. “I’m sorry. Maybe you think this was a mistake.” He leaned back as their plates were placed on the table in front of them.

  The waitress lingered for a moment to make sure that they both had everything they needed.

  Noise roared in his ears as the reality of what he’d said set in. Would she agree with him and leave? Nothing about their first date was going the way that he’d hoped.

  Chapter 9

  Michelle couldn’t even hear what the waitress said to her. As much as she wanted to be able to gloss over what Jack had said, it hit her hard. Was he angry with her? Maybe he’d just decided that she was too much of a mess.

  When the waitress walked away she pushed her plate back some. “You can go if you want. I don’t want to keep you.”

  “Go?” His eyes widened as he stared at her. “I don’t want to go.”

  “But you said—”

  “I said that because it’s clear that I’m making you very uncomfortable. If it makes you unhappy to be here with me, then yes, I think this might be a mistake.”

  She drew a deep breath and shook her head. “It doesn’t make me unhappy. I’m sorry if I’ve given you that impression. I think I’m just a little overwhelmed right now. I don’t regret coming here at all. I just wish I could be a little bit more—I don’t know—interesting.”

  “You’re incredibly interesting to me. Why don’t we just eat and see where it takes us? Just two friends sharing a meal.”

  Friends. He’d said friends. She could handle that.

  She began to relax. As she began eating, her mind shifted from all the reasons why he might not like her to all the reasons that she liked him. Though she didn’t dare look him in the eye, she noticed the strength in his hands, the pout of his lips, and his attentive nature.

  “Is everything okay with your meal?”

  “It’s delicious. Almost as good as being here with you.”

  “Aha.” He smiled. “So it’s not torture?”

  “Not even a little bit. I’m glad we did this. You’re right, there’s no reason two friends can’t share lunch.”

  He cleared his throat and picked up his napkin. As he wiped his mouth she thought the gesture was a bit sharper than it needed to be.

  “Friends?” He met her eyes across the table.

  “You said—”

  “I said just imagine we’re two friends sharing lunch, not that that’s what we are.”

  “What are we then?” She looked into his eyes for the longest moment since she’d arrived at the cafe. The swirl of emotion that she found there combined with the desire that the visual connection summoned within her was enough to steal her breath.

  “I think it’s important for me to be clear with you. I’m here because I want a relationship with you. I value your friendship—yes, of course. But I’m hoping we can progress beyond that.”

  Her cheeks flushed at the thought. Of course she knew why they were there. She knew very well that he wanted more. But was she ready to admit that she wanted the same?

  “It’s just such a difficult transition to make.”

  “I think that if we worked at it together we might be able to make it not so bumpy.”

  “Maybe.”

  “If we’re honest with one another.” He set his fork down with a soft clink on the edge of his plate and gazed at her. “Can we be?”

  “Yes, I think so.” She smiled as his attention warmed her.

  “Okay, then tell me, what are you afraid of?”

  “I don’t know that I’m afraid, I just think I’m not ready.”

  “When will you be? Will there be a sign? Or can someone else declare you ready?”

  “Stop. Please don’t patronize me.” She looked away from him and stabbed her fork at her food.

  “I’m not.” He leaned closer to her across the table. “I would never do that. I’m just asking. How will you know?” He rested his hand on her free one.

  She looked up at him as his fingertips caressed her hand.

  “Will it feel a certain way?” He slipped his thumb beneath her hand to trace a slow pattern along the soft skin of her palm.

  Her hand jerked a little as a shiver carried through her.

  “Will there be some kind of sign?”

  She couldn’t resist looking into his eyes as his hand closed tighter around hers. “I wish I knew. I guess I’m hoping for a big flashing neon sign.”

  “I can arrange for one of those.” He grinned.

  She laughed and looked down at the table. “It’s just a little confusing.”

  “Don’t try to figure it out. Let’s just see where it leads.”

  She considered Jack’s words as she studied his features. The more she looked at him the more she began to recognize the tiny ways that his face changed with his emotions. He tried to act so casual but his lashes tensed, his jaw rippled, and his head tilted to the side. His fingers flexed and then relaxed when he calmed himself. That was the Jack she was familiar with, the one who spoke first and cooled down after. So he was nervous too. She smiled a little at the thought.

  As they finished their meal she wondered what would happen next. Would they just say goodbye and walk away?

  Jack accepted the check from the waitress with a light smile.

  “Please, let me pay for half.” She reached for her purse.

  “Not a chance.” He raised an eyebrow. “Non-negotiable.”

  “But you paid for dinner, remember?” She smiled at the memory.

  “And I will continue to pay for any future meals together. It’s not something I’m willing to compromise on.”

  “Really?” She stared at him with a short laugh.

  “Really.” He handed his credit card to the waitress. “Is that a problem?”

  “I guess it doesn’t have to be.”

  “Good, then let’s not make it one. I’m sure we can come up with other things to argue about.” He laughed lightly.

  “I’m sure that’s true.” She grinned. She could remember a few late nights in chat when their discussions about politics and other hot topics had led to an all-out war of words.

  He stood up from the table.

  She followed him out through the door of the cafe. Her heart sank a little as she thought that he might be so put off by how shy and awkward she’d been that he wouldn’t want to meet again. The more she thought about never seeing him again, the more she regretted not being more forthcoming at lunch.

  “Jack, thank you for today. I really appreciate it. I know I’m not myself, but I am glad that we had the chance to meet.”

  “So am I, Michelle. I’m not quite myself either. It’ll take a little time for us to adjust.”

  “Maybe you’re right.” She smiled a little and hoped that meant he would offer her another chance.

  Chapter 10

  As soon as she started to step away from the cafe, Jack’s heart lurched. This was it. This was the moment that she would disappear and he might never set eyes on her again. She’d go home and talk herself out of their relationship, and he wouldn’t have the chance to convince her otherwise.

  “Michelle, are you up for a walk?” He paused beside her.

  “Are you sure you have time? I don’t want to hold you up.”

  “I’m sure.” He held out his hand to her. “There’s a nice pa
th down by the river.”

  She stared at his hand for a moment, then reached out and took it.

  He tightened his grasp around her hand, afraid that she might pull away at any moment.

  “That sounds nice.”

  “Good.” He kept his distance from her as he led her toward the path. “Michigan is such a beautiful place.”

  “Wait until winter comes.” She laughed.

  “I’ve heard.” He glanced over at her and smiled. “Nothing wrong with some hot chocolate, a warm fire, and no excuse to leave the house?”

  “Hm, that does sound nice. A bit different than my usual winter, which includes endless wet boots, gloves, snowball injuries, soaked carpets, and stir-crazy kids.”

  “I remember those days.” He chuckled. “When my son was in his early teens he refused to go anywhere in the snow. He would not set foot in it. No matter what his mother and I did to convince him, he flat out would not go. Then my brother took him skiing and that was it. You couldn’t keep him off the slopes.”

  “He sounds like an interesting kid.” She smiled. “Well—man now, I guess.”

  “Yes, but they never stop being our kids, do they?” He shrugged. “I miss him, to be honest. He’s got his own life now, and even though I’m proud that he’s pursuing his dreams, I miss our talks and watching football together—finding his stinky socks balled up on the bathroom floor. All the good stuff.” Jack laughed.

  “Oh, I’ve got plenty of those stinky socks. You should come by sometime.” She leaned into his shoulder a little. As soon as she made contact she drew back.

  “Do you mean that? Because I’d love to.” He met her eyes.

  “Maybe. I mean, I’m not sure how they would react to that.”

  “Oh, of course—not right away.” He started to walk again and she fell into pace beside him. “I would never expect you to introduce me to the boys, unless you really felt ready to, and I know that would take some time. As much as I don’t want to rush you, it’s hard for me to resist. I’ve been hoping for so long to be a part of your life. Now that we’re here together, it’s hard for me to hold myself back.”

  She glanced up at him and when she met his eyes he held her gaze. “How can you be so sure, Jack?”

  “How can I not be?” He stared into her eyes. “It’s you, Michelle.” He pulled her a little closer to him. “I don’t expect the same from you, but I do hope that you will begin to trust my intentions.”

  “It’s not that I don’t. I’m just so nervous. I wish there was a way I could just calm down and enjoy this.”

  “This might help.” He tilted his lips toward hers and sought a kiss that he’d envisioned for months.

  She ducked her head back before their lips could touch. “No, don’t!” She gulped out her words and broke free from his grasp.

  Stunned, he took a step back to look at her. The fear in her eyes was so clear that it shook him to the core.

  “Michelle, I’m sorry.” He reached for her hand but drew his back when he realized it might make things worse.

  “No, I’m the one that should be sorry. It’s clear that I’m just not ready for this.”

  “No, I overstepped. I shouldn’t have done that. It was too soon. I’ve wrecked this.”

  “You didn’t.” She frowned and shook her head. “I thought maybe I could be open to exploring something with you. But I don’t think I can offer you anything other than friendship—at least for right now.”

  His shoulders tensed and he shoved his hands into his pockets. “I can respect that. But I have to be honest with you. I don’t want to be your friend. I want more. I can’t just deny the way I feel. I’m never going to stop wanting to kiss you or hold you in my arms. It’s not something I can change.”

  “I understand.” She looked down at their hands still intertwined. “I think I should go. Thank you for lunch.”

  “Michelle, wait, can’t we talk about this?”

  “I don’t think I can, Jack.” She slipped her hand from his and began to walk back to the parking lot.

  He fought the urge to chase after her. In his mind it should have been simple. She wanted to be with him too. He didn’t really doubt that. But getting her from a place of fear to a place of freedom was going to be much harder than he thought.

  A fantasy flickered through his mind of chasing her down, pulling her into his arms, and kissing her the way that she deserved to be kissed. But that’s all it was. Forcing anything wasn’t going to work with Michelle. As strong as she was, she was also delicate, and he didn’t want to do anything that would hurt her. He could only hope that she’d be willing to admit to her own feelings.

  Chapter 11

  Every step Michelle took away from him grew heavier. Her thoughts raced with all of the excuses she would give him later. Once she was out of his line of sight she would be able to think clearly again. Panic continued to wash over her in face-numbing waves. Why had he tried to kiss her? Everything was fine until he’d tried to kiss her.

  Her chest tightened as she opened the door to her car. Was he still watching? She refused to look back. She didn’t want to know. It was his fault. He shouldn’t have tried to kiss her. She never said that he could kiss her. He pushed too hard, and he should have known better. Who was he to question whether she knew what she wanted?

  She jammed the keys into the ignition and turned the car on. Really, she thought he’d been a bit abrasive, acting as if he knew her so well. Just because they’d had hundreds of conversations, just because she’d shed tears over the words he’d offered to comfort her, just because he’d promised her a thousand times that everything would be alright, that didn’t mean that he knew her. Did it?

  Her mouth grew dry as her mind flooded with memories of all of the times Jack had helped her to get back on track and abandon destructive thoughts. He’d been strong for her when she had no one else to turn to, when she didn’t dare to confess the truth to her friends and family.

  As soon as she began to drive away, her entire perspective shifted. In her rear view mirror was a man who adored her. She was letting the chance of a lifetime go, with no certainty that she would get another.

  She threw the car into reverse. She slammed on the brakes and parked.

  The commotion drew his attention and he turned back in time to see her sprint toward him. His eyes widened as she drew closer.

  She didn’t care what he thought of her as she threw her arms around him and pressed her lips to his. Her entire body screamed with victory, while her mind danced around any worries and fears. But when she felt him return the kiss, her mind became as ecstatic as her body.

  His arms encircled her and pinned her close to him.

  She memorized the sensation of his muscles against her softer frame. The cafe, the parking lot, the past and the future all disappeared around her. The slow caress of his hand on the small of her back and the hunger of his kiss were all that she knew.

  Her heart fluttered so fast that she felt faint, then it settled into a heavy desperate thump that demanded more of the same sensation. The draw became so powerful that she pulled away to catch her breath and steady herself.

  His arms remained around her as he gazed at her. “There you are.” He whispered his words, but she heard and understood them.

  Yes, that was who she was—not the timid awkward woman who’d struggled through dinner, but the woman that chatted with him about the purpose of life and the influence of the universe, the woman who was strong enough to break through what felt like an insurmountable grief and embrace the possibility that life could be beautiful again.

  “Here I am.” She stared into his eyes. “I don’t know what all this means, Jack, but I couldn’t leave without you knowing that everything that I’ve said to you over the past few months—I meant it. You’re an amazing man. Yes, I want you as my friend, but you’re not the only one that wants more.”

  “I hoped that was the case. I wasn’t so sure when we talked today. It seemed as if you were
frightened of me—of us.”

  “I am.” She sighed and stroked her fingertips along his cheeks. “I’m terrified by it all. But that doesn’t mean that I want to run. It just means that you’re going to have to be patient with me. Do you think you can be?”

  “I know I can. I probably spooked you with the way I behaved at lunch. I didn’t mean to be so forceful.”

  “You were because you didn’t want to lose me any more than I want to lose you. I understand that. After everything we’ve shared, calling what we have a friendship probably felt like an insult. I’m sorry for that.”

  “Don’t be.” He pulled her close for a hug and buried his cheek in the wave of her hair. “I can be patient. The loss you’ve suffered isn’t something that I don’t understand.”

  “I know.” She murmured and closed her eyes.

  She waited for it. She expected a wave of guilt to wash over her. She anticipated hateful thoughts that would haunt her mind for the rest of her life. She’d just kissed another man—a man who was not her husband. But as Jack continued to stroke and rub her back she didn’t feel any guilt at all. For the first time in the two years since her husband had passed, she felt supported, understood, and most of all, held.

  The sensation brought tears to her eyes. She forced them back and hugged him a little tighter. “I can be better for you. Just wait for me.”

  “Michelle.” He brushed his lips through her hair to kiss the curve of her cheek where it met the rise of her neck. “You’re already perfect. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

  She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “I was so nervous. I didn’t think you could possibly be as wonderful in person as you’ve been when we talked on the computer. I thought I might be disappointed, or more likely, that you would be.”

  “I’m not—not in the least.” He brushed his thumb along her cheek as if he sensed the tears that threatened to fall. “Are you?”

  “No.” She smiled as she looked at him. “I’m not at all.”

  “Just one more.”

  The kiss he offered her awakened a long-quieted part of herself, a part she’d feared more than she realized. She wanted him. Not just in a physical way, but in a life-changing way. If she cared so deeply for him, that meant that he could eventually be taken from her, as her husband had been. Could she handle that? What if things ended horribly? Would she fall apart and leave her sons to pick up the pieces?