“I’m just trying to make the right choices.”
She pressed her lips to his in a light kiss, then looked into his eyes. “Does that feel wrong to you?”
“No.” He smiled and kissed her again. A moment later he broke the kiss. “We’d have to take things slow. Is that okay with you?”
“Are you afraid I’m going to seduce you?” She grinned.
“I’m not afraid, remember?”
“You might have to remind me.”
He swept her into a kiss that made her rise up on the tips of her toes. She pulled away and laughed. “I think maybe I should be the one that’s afraid of being seduced. Don’t worry, Chase. I’m not interested in moving fast. Every moment matters to me, and I’d like to see us share quite a few.”
“I’d like that too.”
“There’s one request that I have, though.”
“Anything.” He met her eyes.
“Can we both try to be honest with one another? I don’t want to play games. If you have any doubts, if you just get tired of me—”
“Hope.” He caressed her cheeks with his hands and gazed into her eyes. “That’s not possible.”
She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and held back a flurry of anxiety. Now that what flowed between them was out in the open, she could understand why he was a little hesitant.
“I don’t need any promises, Chase. I just want your honesty.”
“Okay.” He let his hands come to rest on her shoulders. “Yes, I was in love with her. No, I’m not the one that ended the relationship, and yes, I took it very hard. In some ways, I still am. When she broke things off, I thought I would never even be capable of dating someone again. Then you arrived, and that plan I had in my head that insisted I remain single for at least a year or two—it vanished. Just like that.”
“I’m glad.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t deserve to be alone, Chase. No matter what you’ve told yourself. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.” She rested her hands on top of his and stroked his skin. “You don’t have to hide. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I must have done something.”
“You tell yourself that to make it easier, but the truth is, she was just too blind to realize what she had. Which, I guess, is good luck for me.” She smiled.
“I guess you’re right.” He shrugged. “I never expected that I would be able to let things go so fast. But when I’m with you, that’s all I want—to be near you. She never even crosses my mind.”
“You’re here with me now. Let’s let it go together.” She kissed him, then pulled him toward the grass. “I want to share something with you, if that’s okay?”
“Yes, of course.”
She sat down on the grass and patted the ground next to her. He settled down beside her. “You told me your truth, now I guess I’ll tell you mine.”
“I’m listening.” He took her hand.
“I did have a big change in my life that woke me up. Only I didn’t think I would survive it, and neither did the doctors. They didn’t give me much of a chance.”
“I’m so sorry. That must have been terrifying for you.”
“It was at first. The treatment was grueling. They say cancer is torture, but I’m not sure if it was the cancer or the cure that brought me to the point of accepting that death might be a relief.”
His hand tightened around hers. “I can’t even imagine.”
“I hope not. We all have our difficulties in life, but that was one experience I would never wish on anyone. But, as you can see, I beat the odds. When I was in my darkest times I developed a coping method for the depressive thoughts that plagued me.”
“Oh?”
She gestured to the stars above them. “I sent my thoughts into space. When I looked out through the window at the stars, I would pick one, and I would put my worst thought on it, then stare at it until it blinked. When it did, my worst thought was gone. It sounds a little silly, but it truly saved me. It was a way to get rid of all of the hurt and the fear that brewed within me.”
“I don’t think it’s silly. I think it’s beautiful.”
Chapter 14
“It’s just a habit I fell into. I know that my worries aren’t really being erased by the stars, but over time it gave me comfort.”
“I can see why. Maybe I should give it a try…”
Hope rested her hand over his in the grass. “If you want to.”
He searched the sky for the right star. When he found it, he thought about all the pain he’d felt when Karen had ended things. He stared hard at the star until finally it flickered. He laughed when it did.
“There it is, it’s gone.”
Hope grinned and rested her head on his shoulder. “It’s a little fun when it finally happens, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Chase sighed and continued to gaze at the sky. “If we’re going to get things going, then I need to take you on a proper date.”
“You don’t need to.”
“Fine, then I want to. There’s a nice restaurant about thirty minutes from here. Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night?”
“Yes, you can.”
“Then it’s a date.”
“Yes, it’s a date.”
“I should warn you that the entire town will know about it before we even wake up tomorrow.”
“Oh, trust me, you don’t have to warn me. I’ve seen how this place works.” She shook her head. “I have to say, I’m not sure I like it.”
“It’ll grow on you. They might gossip too much, but when you need something, there are hundreds of people lined up to help.”
“That is good to know. Although I’m not accustomed to asking for help.”
“When you live in the country, sometimes you need it—especially with you being all alone out there on that huge ranch.”
“Are you worried about me?” She smiled up at him.
“How could I not be? I don’t think you understand the dangerous position you’re in.” His tone grew serious. “You should at least have a gun.”
“A gun?” She shook her head. “No, I’m not interested in that.”
“What if someone tries to break in?” He shifted closer to her. “By the time the police arrive, it will be far too late.”
“Chase, stop it. I’ll never get to sleep tonight.” She laughed and glanced over at the water.
He tilted his head until he could meet her eyes again. “I mean it, Hope. There are people that will take advantage of a woman who lives alone too far away for anyone to hear her call for help.”
“There’s no way I’m getting a gun. Please, don’t act as if I’m some kind of fool.” She sighed and looked into his eyes with impatience. “You think just because I lived in the suburbs I don’t know what kind of risk I’ve taken?”
“Then why not take steps to protect yourself? I can teach you to shoot.”
“No.” She narrowed her eyes. “Never.”
“Why not?” He rested on his hands and leaned back some so that he could take in her entire expression.
“Because I would not want to take anyone’s life.”
“Even if they’re trying to take yours?”
“Not even then.” She lowered her eyes.
“Why do you feel that way?” He shook his head. “I would think you’d want to protect yourself.”
“I just don’t think it’s my place to take the life of anyone else.”
“Ah.” He nodded as he recalled seeing her with Pastor Reed earlier in the day. “It’s a religious belief of yours?”
“Religious?” She grinned. “No. I mean, I do believe in God, but that’s not why. I just understand the value of life.”
“But not your own?”
She cringed and passed her hand over the back of his. “When I say that I came close to death, I mean that I made funeral arrangements, Chase. I confronted death, not as this abstract notion, but as a reality.
“I disco
vered a lot about myself. One of the most important things was that I want there to be something to look forward to, whether I can prove it or not. The other was that my life was no more important than the life of anyone else.
“I witnessed very good people die, and they deserved to live just as much as I did. If I were to point a gun at someone and shoot, I would have no idea who they were, where they came from, how they ended up standing in front of me. Maybe they have a mother at home praying for them, maybe they have children that they mean the world to. How can I be the one that pulls the trigger and says—sorry, you don’t deserve to live?”
“I’m sorry that you went through so much. Losing friends, losing your sense of security in life—you’re a very strong person to have come through all that.” Chase wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “Your heart is so beautiful, and I understand why you feel this way. But be aware, that’s not a very popular opinion around here.”
“Oh, I know.” She nestled her head against the curve of his neck. “But I have no interest in being popular. I just want a chance to live with the kind of freedom that I felt as a child. I can’t remember a single time on my grandfather’s farm that I worried about someone breaking in, or being afraid in any way. That’s the kind of innocence I want back in my life. Kind of like, if you had never experienced heartbreak, you wouldn’t think twice about what is happening between us. Would you?”
“No.” He kissed the side of her head. “No, I wouldn’t.”
“There’s something to be said for being willfully blissful, Chase. To others it might come across as irresponsible, or even reckless, but to me it’s the only way I want to live. I know what it’s like to cling to my life with every ounce of my being, and in that moment, all that mattered to me was to have just one more moment—just one more experience. You say that I’m strong to have survived it, but I am no stronger than the men and women who didn’t. Death doesn’t care if you’re moral or a criminal, or if you fought a good fight, or drank yourself into bad health. There is no way to win.”
“I’ve never really thought about it that way.” He frowned. “It’s hard to imagine not having any control.”
“It is. But once you embrace it, everything changes. That’s why I moved here, Chase—because I didn’t need someone to approve of my choice. I didn’t need to evaluate my future and wonder if the path would lead to disaster. I just wanted one more moment, one more experience.”
“And look where we are.” He closed his eyes and rested his cheek along the curve of her head. “I’m so glad that you’re here.”
“I am too.” She squeezed his hand. “I’ve never been happier.”
Those words weighed on him as they watched the night grow darker. He brought joy to a woman who embraced life in a way that made him feel like an underachiever. What would happen if he allowed that joy to turn into heartbreak?
He became determined in that moment not to do a single thing that would hurt her.
Chapter 15
When Hope woke the next morning, she did so with the excited anticipation about going to dinner with Chase later that day. She hopped out of bed and threw on some clothes so that she could check on Toby.
She walked over to the horse and smiled as he whinnied a greeting. “Morning, Toby. Guess what?” She looked into his eyes. “I have a date!”
Toby snorted and shook his head. “Oh, what? You don’t approve?” She laughed and prepared some food for him.
After the long conversation that she and Chase had had the night before, she felt she’d been pretty open with him. But she wasn’t so sure that he’d been as open with her. Still, she didn’t regret confiding in him. She wanted him to know who she really was, as she didn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t.
Once Toby was settled she headed back inside to figure out what she’d wear for their evening out. She hadn’t given away all her evening dresses, in the hopes that she’d have the chance to use them again for a night of dancing or a date with a handsome vet.
She looked through her options and found a burgundy dress that she hadn’t worn in a long time. She spread it out on her bed and imagined herself in it. There she was, the Hope that wined and dined people at the finest restaurants and always had a charming smile to smooth over any bad news being delivered—the Hope that believed nothing bad could ever happen to her, until the moment when something had.
Although Chase’s situation was not life and death, she imagined that he might have felt the same way when his ex broke up with him. He’d been in love and believed that nothing could change that. Then something had. It was like getting the blinders ripped from your eyes to reveal the truth about life. It could be vicious and cruel.
She stared into the mirror for some time. She hadn’t worn make-up or a nice dress since she’d arrived. She decided that she was going to look her best for Chase that night.
Most of her day was spent unpacking the remainder of her boxes, painting her nails, and preparing for her date with Chase.
When she glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearly six, her heartbeat quickened. Would he show up? She tried to focus on looking her best. Would his fear of being hurt again drive him away?
All of her fears vanished when she heard the doorbell ring. She opened it to find Chase dressed in a dark suit with his hair swept back and flowers clutched in his hands. She was dazzled by his presence.
As his gaze swept over her, she recognized the surprise in his expression.
“Is it too much?” She frowned and leaned back inside the house. “I can change if you think it’s too much.”
“It’s not too much. It’s amazing.” He held out the flowers to her. “These are for you.”
“Thank you.” She smiled and took them from him. “They’re beautiful. I’ll just put them in some water. Do you want to peek in on Toby?”
“Sure.”
She stepped back into the house and found a vase to put the flowers in. As she filled it with water she saw Chase through the window. He headed toward the stable, but paused halfway and looked back toward the house.
She ducked back as she wondered if he might see her watching him.
Instead, he just gazed in the direction of the house with a wide smile.
She smiled to herself as well. Yes, he was happy to see her and happy to be with her, and that was what she needed to know. She set the flowers on the kitchen table, then walked out through the back to join him in the stable.
“You’re doing a fantastic job with him. He’s already much stronger than I expected him to be.”
“He’s made it very easy. He’s such a fighter.” She brushed her hand back over Toby’s mane and did her best to keep her focus on the horse instead of the man that stood so close to her.
All she really wanted to do was draw Chase into her arms and skip the formality of dinner. But she knew it was important to him to go through the proper motions, and she admired that about him. Some of the men she’d dated had forgotten how to be gentlemen. They didn’t open doors, pick up tabs, or even bother to call the next day.
“We should get going if we’re going to make our reservation.” He slipped his arm through hers. “Thank you—for agreeing to this.”
“Thank you for asking.” She smiled.
He escorted her to his car. Once she was settled in, he gestured to the radio.
“I don’t know if there’s a certain kind of music you like.”
“It’s okay, we don’t need music.”
“It’s a long drive.”
“Plenty of time for us to talk, then.”
He glanced over at her and offered a half-smile. “Should I be worried?”
“Maybe.” She patted his knee as he started the engine. A few minutes down the road she noticed a group of people gathered around the entrance of a farm. “What’s happening there?”
“Remember that debate about hunting?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s sparked quite an issue i
n the community, and that is what I like to call a town meeting. All the neighbors come together to discuss and settle the problem.”
“Really? No police or lawyers involved?”
“No. That’s not how things are settled around here, though sometimes the police chief will be involved. His opinion carries the same weight as the opinions of the rest, though.”
“Interesting. Why aren’t you there?”
“I’m here.” He looked over at her and then back at the road. “Where I’d much rather be.”
“Chase, did you grow up here?”
“Yes. Born and raised.” He chuckled. “I always thought I’d leave as soon as I turned eighteen. But then my mother died, and it didn’t seem right to leave my father. Then he died, and it just didn’t seem right to leave at all any more.”
“I’m so sorry. That’s a lot of loss to endure.”
“We all go through it around this age or a little older. It’s just that I experienced it a little earlier. Do you still have your parents?”
“No, I don’t. It was only my mother, and she passed when I was in my twenties. Looking back now, I barely even let myself grieve for her.”
“That’s not uncommon. It’s easier to push the pain away than to face it.”
“Yes, it is.” She sighed and rested her hand on top of his. “I guess we’ve both had our share of facing pain.”
Chapter 16
It was difficult for Chase to keep his eyes off her. Hope looked far different in that beautiful dress than she did in her t-shirt and jeans. In fact, it took him a moment to even realize it was the same woman. It wasn’t that he preferred one look over the other; it was just that he didn’t expect it. He recognized that he’d been thinking of her more as a friend than as a lover. It was much easier to do that when she dressed casually and was covered in the same mud as him.
It was impossible to ignore her hand on his knee, and her eyes sparkled with that fondness for him. As their conversation meandered through the difficult times in their lives, he noticed that she didn’t avoid the difficult topics. She was willing to speak freely with him, and he loved that about her.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8 Page 43
