Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  If this were to be the time, was she ready? Was she getting an attack of cold feet? Devon observed the hesitation.

  ‘Why not?’ she asked sharply, the vivid eyes narrowing as she dropped the hand that only a moment ago, had been held so intimately. She knew this to be the right time. Tonight was the night. They had waited long enough. Not pleased at this resistance she reiterated firmly: ‘Call her. If you don’t try, you’ll never know how she feels about your staying over. Tell her you’re with me. She knows who I am.’

  She wanted to stay. Devon had made her feelings plain at last. Tonight they’d be together, all night. Tonight her forbidden dreams could come true.

  Devon knew as soon as she saw her face, from across the room and her own broke into a corresponding grin. After the second show Raoul joined the table, choosing to sit next to Devon. Stavros and Amaia sat together on the other side and she was on the end. Raoul’s eyes raked her. Now he knew she danced, he took in every detail. He liked what he saw.

  They went through a post mortem on the evening’s performances and were very interested in her opinion, especially as the feedback she gave was positive.

  ‘Next week we will try out a new singer, Raoul informed them. ‘A relative of Diego’s. He’s young, but he’s been singing in a small way for some time. Diego is sponsoring him in Canada.’

  ‘This is very good,’ Stavros observed. ‘No Flamenco troupe is really complete without a singer.’

  Tenille could contribute little to this conversation, but she enjoyed just being there. She asked if anyone had seen CARMEN, the movie.

  ‘Si si.’ They had all seen it … several times.

  Leaving the others enjoying their evening, they took off about one o’clock. Last time Tenille had been out so late had been New Year’s. It was a quiet journey to the apartment. Devon fixed them drinks, again giving Tenille a liqueur on the rocks. This time it was Galliano. She eyed it askance.

  ‘I’ve already had quite a lot. Will you add lemonade to that, please?’

  ‘You worry too much. You’re not going anywhere.’

  ‘All the same …’ she persisted.

  ‘Okay. If it will keep you happy.’

  She was beginning to feel comfortable here; two days in a row. Under these circumstances, however, there was a little apprehension; a thrill of excitement too.

  ‘Look, I’ve got some really good quality dope. Would you like a joint?’ Devon brought over the makings to the coffee table and set about rolling one to share. Tenille had never used marijuana; never been tempted. This time, with Devon offering, she’d give it a try. She was intrigued.

  ‘I’ve not smoked before,’ she warned.

  Devon was confident. ‘You’ll like it.’ She took a big gulp of her drink in preparation, watching Devon light up and suck deeply, inhaling the smoke all the way down. She pinched the joint and handed it over. ‘Easy. Just take a big breath in.’

  Being a non-smoker, of course she choked and began to splutter, her eyes watering. She gasped and handed it back. Devon laughed, then took another deep pull.

  ‘Try again. You’ll get the hang of it.’

  She shook her head, but she urged her on. Another drink first. This time was better and she did seem to get a sort of light-headed feeling. Devon dragged again. She didn’t want any more, but she kept going for her sake. Eventually it was done. Devon didn’t seem to be affected one way or the other, but she wasn’t sure she liked how she felt.

  ‘Come on. Time to get ready for bed.’ Devon left her drink, but she finished hers off before heading to the bedroom.

  ‘Do you want PJ’s?’ She nodded. Devon rummaged through a drawer and found a navy blue, satin top, which buttoned down the front. There were no bottoms. She gave her the ensuite while she slipped out to the cloakroom. She was the first into bed. When Tenille appeared, she drew back the covers and patted the mattress. Tenille’s heart was in her mouth, her head pounding. Here she was climbing into Devon’s bed. Her first experience with a woman. She had dreamed of this moment and at the same time dreaded it. She had wanted to be physically close so desperately and now, suddenly, she wasn’t sure. But there was no turning back. They both knew this was to be their night, although nothing had been openly stated. Was Devon experienced? Could this be her first time too? Nerves were getting to her. She wished her head felt better.

  ‘Come here. I know this is what you want.’ Devon’s voice was husky. Then she whispered: ‘It’s what I want too.’

  She climbed in beside her. She wasn’t wearing anything. Devon turned off the light, then took Tenille in her arms. Their first embrace. Their first kiss. She wanted to be lost in it, but her stomach was beginning to churn. Please don’t let me be sick. She would ignore it.

  ‘You have too much on. Let’s take it off.’ She began unbuttoning the top.

  Tenille’s excitement mounted, as did her nervousness. She stopped Devon’s hands. ‘Dev … I’ve never done this before. You will … will you guide me?’

  ‘Relax, Ten. I know what to do, follow my lead.’ Not Devon’s first time then.

  With both of them naked, they pressed their bodies together in a long kiss. Devon pulled away and said: ‘Give me your hand.’ She guided it towards her vulva. Tenille experienced her wetness. It was so much. She felt herself become hot and swollen. Devon began to move her body, rhythmically backward and forward on Tenille’s hand. She felt Devon slide inside her too, but it was rather hard and awfully fast. She continued her movements, making little moaning noises, kissing Tenille so hard on the mouth, she felt almost devoured by the fierceness. In time with her rhythm, Devon was moving inside her. She could feel her excitement, but she was going too fast. Then Devon exploded in her climax and clung to Tenille. She stayed inside Tenille, but gradually her movement subsided and then she took Tenille’s hand away. She had a great climax when she smoked up before sex.

  ‘Oh man, Ten. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for that. Wonderful woman. How was it for you?’

  ‘Dev … I need more,’ voice hesitant, feelings unsure.

  ‘No problem. Catch this.’ She moved down and slid inside Tenille again. She began to move slowly, then to quicken her pace. Tenille could not feel excitement, only the movement. She feared it wasn’t going to happen for her … wanting it too much, perhaps? In the end she did climax … fleetingly; but still dissatisfied and now sore. Devon was obviously tired and almost dropping off where she sat. She collapsed down beside her and kissed her good night.

  ‘See you in the morning.’

  She lay still beside the sleeping woman, thinking things over. She shouldn’t have drunk so much, nor smoked. She had spoiled her first experience with her foolishness. She was very disappointed and unhappy. She turned towards Devon, making out her slim form in the dim light cast by the moon’s rays. She looked so lovely and at peace. She was satisfied, she consoled herself. That was important because then Devon would want more. Next time, perhaps, there could be a slow wandering through the feel and fragrance of lovemaking. At last her body relaxed and she was able to drift off. She would have liked to cuddle, but lacked the confidence to approach. She stayed on her back, on her own side.

  In the morning, they made love again. This time she was feeling better. Her head had cleared and she had not vomited in the night. They enjoyed seeing each other’s body but, like last night, Devon was in a hurry to be penetrated. She was trying for Tenille to climax at the same time, but too bruised and upset, she couldn’t.

  ‘Listen, Kiddo. It can take time. That’s natural.’ She wanted her to be happy, not moping about. She’d try to brighten.

  Over breakfast, Devon began talking about the impact a singer would have on Los Flamencos. ‘Manuel will make all the difference to our professionalism.’ She was happy and enthusiastic. Tenille’s mood couldn’t match hers, but she did her best to keep up.

  Devon had promised her parents she would go over for Sunday lunch, they were having a few friends in. It was time to take Ten
ille home. Just before she dropped her off, Tenille asked when she would see her again.

  ‘You want to come to my place for dinner tomorrow? We can order in. I know you won’t be able to stay over, but we could have the evening together.’

  ‘Devon, that would be wonderful. Then we’ll have lots of time. Not be so rushed.’ She thought everything would be better if only the clock were not against them.

  ‘Good. Shall we say seven then?’ She didn’t usually see a conquest so soon afterwards. Liked a little time for the heat to build, but this woman was different. She really did things to her.

  Sunday finished up being a quiet day, but Tenille didn’t mind. This had been enough excitement to last her quite a while. She listened to the radio while she ironed and did some thinking. Alone with her thoughts she could take a longer look at Devon. Yes, she was very attracted to her, but now she realized that everything might not be so easy. Perhaps what she saw and what she wanted had more to do with her imagination than reality? She wasn’t lesbian, she knew that. She just found Devon utterly fascinating. The sex part, for all her arousal, had not been a success. She still loved being in her company though. It would be wonderful to have tomorrow evening together. In fact she couldn’t wait. Maybe the love-making would get better, as she had said.

  * * *

  The next day Tenille was very excited, her mind buzzing with what lay ahead. She would be more relaxed. Everything would go well. She found a note under her door. The message read: PLEASE phone DEVON AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE, in Mrs. Sandrelli’s foreign hand; very correct and curly. What could this mean? She felt a lurch of uneasiness.

  ‘Tenille. I’m glad you called so soon. Listen, Justin wants me to go with him on a business trip.’

  She took in a lungful of air in disbelief. They were just getting together. ‘Sorry, Ten, but it’s important to him.’ She must have heard the gasp and went on to explain.

  ‘We’re flying to Washington then to some other cities. But listen, all is not lost.’ She ploughed on purposefully. ‘I’ve been on the, phone to Raoul.’

  ‘Raoul Losada? What for?’

  ‘I don’t want you to miss your practises. He’s willing to take you on in my place.’

  ‘Devon.’ A wail of distress. ‘I only want to dance with you. I don’t know this person. You said we would work together.’ She felt wretched. ‘I can miss one week.’

  ‘Sorry, Kiddo. We leave tomorrow, that’s why I can’t see you tonight. I’m really disappointed too, but this is business and … we don’t get back ’til a week Saturday. I’m really sorry, Ten.’

  She just didn’t know what to say; was totally devastated. Not back for two weeks. She couldn’t think straight, but Devon was continuing.

  ‘Don’t worry; he’s good. And he likes you. He’ll be happy to do it. Trust me. It’ll work out, you’ll see. I’ve fixed everything. Just be there Wednesday, at the usual time.’

  Close to tears, she felt so let down and now this. Was she being silly?

  ‘Promise me you’ll be there.’

  She couldn’t go against Devon; she was too important, but her compliance came at a very high price.

  ‘Sorry, sorry. I’ve got to go now. We’ll be together when I get back,’ she dropped her voice. ‘That’s my promise to you.’

  With this she had to be content, but still felt battered and dazed. Justin snaps his fingers and she comes running. She felt totally crushed. Disconsolately moving about the apartment, all the heart was taken out of her. She wouldn’t go to the studio, Wednesday. It was all well and good for her to say, but she would be on the receiving end. She had seen him dance. He was spectacular on stage, but he could be a tyrant in the studio; make her feel inadequate and foolish. She should have told her ‘No.’ right away, but she had been too stunned.

  Everything had been going so well. Sitting on the side of the bed, she picked up Montgomery for a cuddle. Did she really want to continue with this Flamenco? She rubbed her cheek against his. Perhaps it was all just a pipe-dream, this becoming a dancer. Perhaps her mother was right? Maybe she didn’t have what it takes? With sagging shoulders, she sighed deeply. Right now she was ready to chuck it all in. What was the use?

  Someone at her door. It had better not be Furio.

  ‘Can you spare me a few minutes, Tenille?’ Mrs. Sandrelli stood on the threshold. ‘Come up for a glass of wine. I’m alone. The men had to go to Canadian Tire, something to do with a new part for the block heater. We look fair set for a really severe winter this year.’ The older woman’s chatter had a calming effect. The talk of everyday things brought her out of herself.

  ‘Give me a moment to change and I’ll be right there.’ She had thought she would be dressing up for a romantic liaison but instead, here she was slipping into old track pants and sweater. They sat in the living room this time and her hostess poured them each a glass of Lambrusco. Serafina had noticed Tenille’s strained expression, but now she seemed more relaxed. This was good because she wanted to broach the subject of last Friday. It made Tenille feel very self-conscious.

  She told her she had cross-examined her son, then she asked for her story. Tenille did her best to give a clear account. She was heard out in silence.

  ‘Well. I don’t want trouble and I don’t want you to go.’ She studied her wine glass then took a drink. ‘Enrico and I have agreed that Furio is going to have to leave.’

  ‘Oh no.’ she was shocked. ‘This is his home. He’ll blame me.’

  ‘Is all right. His father has been wanting him to get himself organized for some time. No work and just lying about at home is not good. Enrico, he wants Furio to get a job and make something of himself.’ Discomfort grew. She had never expected such a reaction. Should she feel guilty? But she had done nothing.

  ‘His uncle, in Montreal, has a contact in the construction business. Furio will be moving there next weekend. He didn’t want to go into construction, but he’s not done so well at his studies. For now, this will do. He’s not pleased, but in these difficult times, at least it’s a job. He should come out of this with some enlightenment.

  ‘I feel so badly about all this.’ Tenille’s brow furrowed.

  ‘Don’t, Cara. My son must learn to accept responsibility for his actions. Enrico and I are just glad nothing developed further and that you were not seriously compromised.’

  “Yes,” she thought: “Thank goodness for that.” She would have had to move, then who knew how widespread the repercussions could have been?

  It suddenly seemed only a small hitch, Devon being away. Instruction from Raoul could be just the training she needed. She was lucky to have him spend time with her, an accomplished performer like him. She didn’t even have to pay. This fill-in was a favor to Devon. Yes, on reflection, she was quite fortunate.

  Reconciled over Furio, the two women went on to talk about the dress. Since the turquoise was an intense color, Serafina suggested white fringing. This would trim the neckline and provide an interesting feature for the shoulders. The three tiers of flounce, from hips to just below the knee could each be given a white binding.

  ‘Now, to make it stand out from the rest, what do you think of red lining to the frills?’

  ‘Oh yes, that would be dramatic. On second thought; the red wouldn’t be too much of a contrast, would it?’

  ‘Well, the effect is obviously theatrical but then, that’s what you want, isn’t it?’

  Tenille smiled in sudden amusement, just a little twist to her lips. ‘The next thing will be living up to the dress. When people see it they’ll expect more of the performer,’ she observed wryly.

  Serafina regarded her frankly. ‘You will more than do it justice, of that I’m sure,’ her smile full of kindness and understanding.

  ‘This week, then, I’ll look for the lining and a flower for my hair and the earrings.’ She was getting back to her usual self. “Red shoes could be another idea.” Her problems no longer seemed so insurmountable. ‘How long do you think it will t
ake?’

  ‘Hard for me to say, Tenille. Do you have a deadline?’

  ‘The show is at the end of March, so we do have lots of time.’

  ‘Bene. I won’t have to rush and we can be sure that everything is right.’ She left feeling better. It was not in her nature to dwell on the negatives if she could help it. Just sometimes she became too over-burdened. This was not to say she was an out and out Pollyanna. Her optimism was tempered with the good sense of a realist.

  * * *

  With the expectation that Raoul would be a demanding taskmaster, she devoted her spare time to making sure she was solid on the sequences.

  A call came from Marissa, Tuesday night when she was heavily into it. She knew they were back at class Thursday, but thought she’d call her to see if she would like to go out again, Friday. She laughed, trying to make light of it. ‘I want to catch you before you get booked up.’ Tenille didn’t want to go out. She would have been out the previous two nights and that would be enough. What could she say ? ‘By week’s end I’m pretty bushed Marissa. Can I let you know?’

  She accepted this without demur, hearing refusal in the woman’s voice.

  Tenille was not sure how well the dance session went. She had done her best, but ended up being stiff and awkward. Raoul’s presence was like a deluge, exuding an overwhelming animal strength. His style, although he probably didn’t realize it, was forceful and intimidating. He was trying to help, but when she attempted to do as he bade, it fell apart. With his demanding eyes, he made her look at him as they moved around each other. Feeling rushed and bullied, she didn’t dance well.

  This session with Raoul brought the realization that she had moved out of the sphere of male domination, finding it strange to interact at this level. Now, appreciating more than ever how much it suited her to be with Devon, she already began to look forward to her return.