Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  Time for her to leave. It would be a long journey home from one end of the city to the other. Three cheers for the Trans Canada Highway. The parting was brief, but mingled with promises to be in touch soon.

  ‘Call us any time you’re going through a bad patch,’ Edina urged, as they kissed goodbye.

  Driving home Sidonie thought over what her friends had advised. It had all sounded so good when she was there, now she feared, on her own, she could break down. She wanted to spend time with Tenille so much. There was a feeling she experienced in her company. She couldn’t define it, but somehow she was more real to herself and this self-awareness made her feel good. Good to be alive: good to be female and yes. Good to be butch. Here was a slight opening of the window, just a crack, allowing a brief insight into her sexual power. This awareness was more positive, more keenly honed when she was with Tenille. It brought in its wake a trove of sensual feeling.

  “Now why would that obtain, when I’m not at all sure she’s interested in women?” she mused. Could there be something emanating from her which reinforced her butchness?

  “Surely, if she’s straight then this cannot be.” Or could it?

  She was so confused; her mind could find no peace, her thoughts too chaotic and elusive. All she knew for sure was this woman had an attraction so powerful, she felt helpless to resist. Even though she knew no good would come of messing with a Straight.

  This feeling of helplessness was new to Sidonie. The driver’s seat was hers when it came to affairs. She had never had a problem acting decisively; would either go after what she wanted or, alternatively, would reject the advances, albeit gently, but nonetheless firmly.

  This time there were no advances. Tenille had not made one remark that she could remember, giving any indication of wanting more than friendship. She was purely and simply the most wonderful, generous, most desirable woman she had ever known. Hell’s teeth. This wasn’t building her resolve to give her a wide berth, just the opposite.

  When she was a student, the only girl she had kept going with had been Karen. She had seen how she needed not only a lover, but a helper too. She had fulfilled those roles. Unfortunately, Karen had not for her. She had been a good friend and she wished, looking back, she hadn’t had to be the cause of so much distress. She negotiated her turn-off and asked herself what else she could have done? She couldn’t live a lie, not even for Karen. Surely it had been better to face the truth then, than have the relationship deteriorate into a battleground of hurt pride or worse, a wasteland of recrimination and revenge. She let out a deep sigh. People and their emotions, their needs, their dependencies; they were all so convoluted and the worst of it was, they never stayed the same. “What we want today … we may not want tomorrow.” But the wanting was strong for all that. It was difficult. Perhaps this was why she found it so much easier to deal with animals. With them she knew where she was. They were consistent in their needs and their loyalties unquestioning.

  * * *

  Tenille was annoyed. She had missed her connection and at High Park, had arrived at the barrier just a second too late and missed that train too. This was the first time she would be late and felt guilty about it. When she entered the studio they stopped and everyone’s eyes turned towards her. There were several looks of disapproval at disrupting a session in progress. She guessed they’d waited. It was worse today because they were working on new material. Raoul was choreographing a dance to Asturias. It was to be a show number designed especially for the non-Spanish people in the audience. Now they would have to backtrack for her. A most uncomfortable situation, but she had made this particular bed …

  Raoul clapped his hands. ‘Take five, people.’ He went over to Tenille. She stumbled through apologies, believing him to be quite put out, since he had gone so far as to stop the proceedings and come over to her. However, it was not so. He told her not to look so worried. He would review what they had covered today at their Tuesday session. He had confidence in her and they would make a great duo. ‘I think we will keep going as we are for the next few Saturdays.’

  At this moment he took advantage of her surprise and planted a firm kiss directly on her lips. He then put his arm around her waist and walked her over to where the others were sitting, drinking from their various bottles. He kept her close.

  ‘Remember, Raoul I’m booked for the next two Saturdays, with Caravan,’ she reminded him. ‘Will you still want me in July?’

  ‘Most definitely,’ he was very positive. ‘Amaia can dance the two you’re away, but I think those will probably have to be her last. Yes, that’ll work fine.’ He looked at her deeply. ‘Don’t go running off so fast next time, Tenille. The band plays good dance music.’

  They resumed their places and time flew. When they’d gone through everything and were changing, Tenille asked Devon if she’d have a coffee. ‘Or do you have to rush away?’

  She had taken Devon by surprise. This was a turn-about from last night, but she was pleased to go with her. They just popped round the corner to The Senator and once settled, Devon asked how things were going. Not waiting for an answer she continued archly: ‘Pretty good by the looks of it,’ taking a long draw from her cigarette, happy at this turn of events. The young girl showing up like that had given her an unexpected jolt.

  Tenille put her cup down. ‘Devon, it’s Raoul. I can’t do this; play along with him. He’s developing a monopolizing attitude toward me.’ Devon, enjoying her smoke, just looked steadily back.

  ‘I thought perhaps you could come back to our weeknight sessions?’

  This was sounding better and better.

  ‘It’s Tuesday now.’ She looked wistfully at her. ‘You could use it as your practise time and it would keep him off me.’

  ‘Well Ten, it only might keep him off you, as you put it. I’m not sure my presence would prevent him from pursuing his objective …’ She blew a lazy smoke ring: ‘ …To put it bluntly, to become your lover.’ Her green eyes regarded her from beneath shuttered lids, giving nothing away.

  ‘Yes. I think that is the real reason he’s giving me so much of his time.’ She shrugged her shoulders, dismissively. ‘Oh, he says things like, I’m ‘talented’ and ‘a natural dancer’, but really, I think that’s just a cover up.’

  ‘Well, I told you, if he has the hots for you, then it’s to your advantage and you should go along with it.’

  ‘I can’t do that Dev. I know he’s handsome, but he’s not what I want.’

  Devon took a deep breath. ‘What do you want, Ten? Do you want us to get back together? You know how I feel about you …’ The pause was heavily weighted.

  ‘It’s not that, Dev. I don’t want any relationship. I just want to dance. I feel it; I could go far with this. Mother thinks it’s pie in the sky, but I truly feel I’ve got something and Saturday reinforced it. But I need to concentrate. I don’t want to be distracted. You do understand, don’t you?’ An imploring look. ‘Here at last, is my chance to do something I really love. The last thing I need is all these demands on my emotions.’

  ‘Okay, okay, I get the picture … and far be it from me to be yet another demand on you.’ The green eyes had darkened and glittered like faceted emeralds.

  ‘Oh, Devon. Please. Don’t take it like that,’ she pleaded. ‘I don’t want to hurt you. Try to understand, can’t you?’ She was beginning to feel fraught. Devon was being over sensitive. She wanted her on her side. ‘It’s not personal against you. It’s just this time in my life. I have too much else on. Please Dev ….’

  ‘Then who’s this new friend in your life?’ she shot back, accusingly.

  Tenille was pulled up short. So it was true. That was why she had said those things. She was jealous. Well, that was ridiculous. There was no need to be, Sidonie was just … was just … well Sidonie. She sat silent for a moment.

  ‘She’s just someone who has helped me at the gym. When she heard I was doing a show at the Sancho Panza, she expressed an interest to see what Flamenco was a
ll about.’

  ‘Expressed an interest all right,’ she bit back. ‘Couldn’t take her eyes off of you. She positively scowled when you were slow dancing in Raoul’s arms.’ Tenille’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘Oh yes. I saw how she was feeling. Didn’t like it one bit. And why would that be if she’s ‘just a friend’?’ the sarcastic voice continued: ‘Answer me that, if you know so much,’ stubbing out her butt with jerky, angry jabs.

  Tenille was sorry to see her like this, but at last she understood where she was coming from. Anxious to placate her, to avoid her feeling hurt and rejected, she argued for her to be reasonable.

  ‘She’ll probably never be back and our paths cross only occasionally.’ This was stretching it a bit, but she did want her cooperation. ‘Now about Tuesday?’ she asked firmly: ‘Will you lend me your support?’ Tenille’s large eyes, flecked with dark chocolate, the lashes black and curling thickly, won her over. The request, followed by that sweet, edible smile, she couldn’t resist.

  ‘Yes. I’ll come along,’ she relented. ‘Raoul won’t be pleased, but I can probably come up with some excuse.’

  Talking some more about Caravan, they could see there would have to be a roster system. Not the same people dancing night after night. They parted amicably, Devon to her parents’ for dinner and Tenille to home. She offered her a lift, but the station was right there.

  Journeying alone, Tenille let herself speculate on Devon’s revelation. Sidonie had been upset over seeing her with Raoul? She had given no sign of this when she had returned to the table.

  “Was it really true, she couldn’t keep her eyes off me? Is it possible she finds me attractive in ‘that’ way.” She had thought she was just the sporty type; keen on fitness. She was so young.

  ‘Oh Sidonie,’ she murmured: “Could it be you think about me the way I think about you?” The speculation brought a lump to her throat and her heart raced. It wasn’t exactly right, what she had just said to Devon. She didn’t want to forsake her dancing, that part was true, but she would like to be more serious with Sidonie. Could this be possible after all? By now her heart was positively hammering with excitement.

  She got off at Dupont and passing through the turnstile, the ticket agent gave her a pleasant nod, acknowledging he had seen her many times before. She smiled back at him as she ran up the escalator emerging into the golden shafts of evening light. Elation surrounded her. It was almost with a feeling of rebirth that she let herself into Mrs. Sandrelli’s, her dark eyes star studded; her mood optimistic.

  Serafina called out so she popped in to visit. She had just made herself a coffee and offered her one.

  ‘You are looking radiant this evening, Cara.’

  ‘Oh Mrs. Sandrelli, I’m just the same old me.’

  ‘No, there’s a difference tonight,’ the smile broadened; prepared not to pry but sure, in her heart, she had found a nice man. ‘Well Cara, be that as it may, your Mama called and wants you to phone. You call collect tonight, any time up ’til ten o’clock. I was to give you this message.’ She looked critically at the young woman. ‘Have you not been keeping in touch, Bambina? Your Mama sounded not happy.’

  ‘Oh dear. Yes. I’ve been lax lately. There was so much to do getting ready for the show and all, I just clean lost track of the days.’

  She did feel guilty. Already the new resolution was disintegrating. ‘I’ll call before I go down. Thanks Mrs. Sandrelli. How’ve things been with you? How’s Furio doing in Montreal?’

  ‘Very well. I think getting away from home was the best thing. He’s settled down and is applying himself. Construction is not so boring after all and certainly he likes the money.’

  ‘That’s good. Well, I’ll go phone home. See if I can mend some fences.’

  She was not confident as she dialled, but once her mother heard what had been happening, she did come round.

  ‘Your father and I are thinking of taking a trip out west in the fall. You know how we love those woody scents; spruce boughs, burning apple logs. The country through the Rockies will be ablaze with its vivid crimsons and bright oranges. We thought to visit different resorts, like maybe Berg Lake at Mount Robson and Skaha Lake, south of Penticton in the Okanagen Valley. A tour like that. Is there any chance you may be able to join us, Tennie?’

  ‘It sounds great, Mom. I can’t say at this stage. Raoul plans to go on tour later this year, too. I’m not sure when.’

  ‘Oh, daughter when will we ever get to see you?’ Tenille didn’t say anything.

  ‘Well … we’re just looking at brochures at the moment.’ Her voice held unexpressed displeasure which she set to one side. ‘They’ve put out some good package deals, both on Grey Coach and Greyhound.’ She finished off by suggesting she give it some thought. ‘And Tennie, I phoned your aunt. She would appreciate being kept informed of her niece’s activities.’

  ‘Right Mom.’

  When they said goodbye her mother was reasonably warm, but she could tell she wasn’t reconciled. Perhaps she should consider going on this trip with her folks. Really, it was the last thing she wanted. All those middle-aged couples worrying about what was on the menu for their next meal. No, that was unfair. Just because her mother brought her down didn’t mean she should dump on other people’s parents. She would be in touch with Carmel and Roger, just not tonight.

  * * *

  The weather that week remained sunny. The hot, lazy, hazy days of summer had arrived, keeping strollers out late to enjoy the welcome expansiveness of boulevard cafés. Business at the boutique was slow now, most dance studios closing for the summer break. It had been hectic when they were all rushing to complete everything for the ‘end of semester’ shows.

  Now the lull at work suited Tenille. The gang had decided to resume extra practices on Monday, in preparation for Caravan, which started next week. Her schedule was busy.

  Devon, attending her session with Raoul had made it fantastic. He’d worked with both of them and they’d enjoyed themselves enormously. Their laughter deflected the impact of his seductive innuendos. Her excuse had been that something had come up and she hoped he didn’t mind if she took a little of Ten’s time. He’d made no objection, his mood too buoyant to be irascible.

  The next evening found a disappointed Tenille at the gym. She was expecting to see Sidonie and especially wanted to tell her about Toronto Caravan. Now she would have to wait ’til Friday. She wished Sidonie had a mobile phone. It was most inconvenient, her not being contactable at the residence. The difficulty hadn’t registered before. Now, when she wanted to talk, she couldn’t. Well, she’d see her Friday. “Be patient Ten,” she advised silently.

  The next session at the gym was positively dismal. Still no sign of the one she sought. She asked Ashley if she’d seen her.

  ‘Yes, yesterday. She put in a lot of time, too.’

  This made her even more miserable. “Why would she come on a Thursday?” ‘But that’s not her night.’

  The other club members observed the dejection and tried to give encouragement, remarking how well she was coming along. ‘Moving round the place like an old hand.’

  She thanked them for their kind words, but experienced an emptiness inside. A cold reality was awakening within her … Sidonie had lost interest … What had been was no longer … Everything had changed. She, Tenille, had been over-reacting, as usual. She was just another young teenager. Nothing special. God, when would she learn? She must refocus.

  Saturday Devon collected her. The show was good, but Tenille’s dancing lacked her previous flare. They picked up on this, asking if anything was wrong.

  ‘Just tired.’

  Raoul looked as if he were going to protest, but really, she didn’t seem herself and decided not to make a scene. She packed up and didn’t delay, wanting to be on time for the last train; the ride on the night bus was a horror show. She didn’t want Devon taking her home, either. She would only start asking questions; try to pry out information.

  Mulling over t
he situation, she resolved she would go to the gym tomorrow, but she wouldn’t get her hopes up. If Sidonie wasn’t there she knew life would go on and her dreams would have been just that. It was time she grew up; stopped being such a geek. She should have learned her lesson with Marissa. Look how she changed.

  * * *

  Sidonie had not had a good week, with each passing day wondering even more what Tenille was doing. Had she missed her a little? She was missing her.

  She had gone to the club last night, deciding Milka’s suggestion of a different face could be a good one. Propping up the bar, beer in hand, she had cast her glances. There were some pretty chicks at the tables, but they struck her as shallow and frivolous. Nice bodies, but she wanted more than that. It was Tenille’s face which intruded every time and those bodies didn’t have the power to excite. Not like hers.

  Next day she phoned Milka.

  ‘How’re you doin’?’

  ‘Hanging in there, but only just. I feel lousy.’

  ‘You need to get an interest; get involved in something.’

  ‘Yeah, you’re right. I called Skye this week to check when Softball starts.’

  ‘That’s the ticket girl. You know I want to see you happy and from my experience, Straights just don’t do it.’

  ‘Yeah, well … Practise starts Wednesday at Riverdale Park. It’ll be nice to see the old crowd. I’m hoping to make A grade again. That ought to keep me busy. I’m looking forward to feeling the mitt on my hand, too. You know summer’s really arrived then.’ She hesitated a moment before adding: ‘I have to say honestly though, I miss her so damn much.’ Her fist clenched on the handset, the knuckles whitening. She had started to regret this strategy of distance.

  ‘Take heart, Sid, I’m sure you’re doing the right thing,’ Milka declared in an encouraging voice. ‘Let’s put it this way. Time will show the truth of it. Know what I mean?’

  ‘Yeah. I do.’ She sucked in a sharp breath: ‘But it’s damn hard all the same.’ She could feel the tears pricking at the back of her eyes, welling into her throat. Did she have to let Tenille go? A throbbing ache had begun to build these past few days: a host of memories invading her consciousness with needle sharp clarity.