Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  There was no artfulness in Sidonie’s nature. She, herself, could dissemble to a degree. At least make an attempt to keep her feelings from public awareness, but not Sidonie. If she felt it, she showed it.

  Their mothers must be very different women. Sidonie would soon have learned how dangerous such self-expression would be around her mother. “Mom would delight in putting you in your place if she felt you were differing in any measure from her.” Tenille sighed. That was her mother’s way.

  She had wanted some time to spend on her hair, now she would have to go with it wet. So much for looking her best. The wide brimmed straw hat might do. She always kept her face shaded anyway. Yes. She would tie a bandana round her hair first, then put on the hat, that way it would dry more controlled than just loose in the wind; she hated tangles. Checking herself in the closet mirror, she burst out laughing at the sight. Not a stitch on, the towel now about her feet and the sun hat. At least no one else could see this.

  In the end, she selected a long sleeved, white muslin shirt which would keep her arms protected and since it had two patch pockets in the front, she wouldn’t need to wear a bra. On such a hot night like tonight it would feel so much freer. Although she believed her breasts were getting to be a little droopier now than when she was Sidonie’s age. They were not overly large, full perhaps, but wouldn’t attract attention if left unbound. So far, so good. The skirt, of the same Indian muslin, held by a long tie in front, was a pale turquoise, one of her favorite colors and made her white blouse look all the fresher.

  Almost six-thirty. Did she have time to do anything to her face? Mrs. Sandrelli’s voice called to her. ‘There’s that plan in ruins,’ she said under her breath before she called out: ‘Thank you. I’ll be right up.’ She tied her bandana and jammed on the hat, grabbing her raffia shoulder bag as she rushed upstairs.

  ‘I might be a bit late, Mrs. Sandrelli. I don’t know what time the game will finish. Okay?’

  ‘Have a good time, Cara. Is okay,’ Serafina told her, as she came to the door to say goodbye and saw Tenille disappearing down the path towards a blue Tercel. She was seeing that car a lot these days. “Pity she couldn’t find a nice young man to go out with,” she thought. “She’s such a lovely woman. Those dark looks could turn many a head.” What a shame, all her nephews were married.

  * * *

  Sidonie had decided to wait by the car today rather than hang about in the hallway. She was leaning back against it, arms folded, as she watched Tenille trip lightly down the steps. The second thing she noticed was that she was not wearing a bra and it immediately gave her a rush of desire which, at this precise moment and for this evening, she could well have done without.

  The first thing she had noticed was how lovely she looked in those colors and how the hat suited her. That Spanish one had been good too.

  She was glad she had set out with more than enough time to spare. The traffic had been heavy. With the day oppressively sultry, everyone was on the move to find an air-conditioned eating-place. She had skipped on the gym this afternoon, opting to let herself get her fill of sleep, then had awakened feeling refreshed and taken her time getting ready. She had thought to pack a change of clothes in case they did go somewhere afterwards. For now she was wearing a blue muscle shirt and navy stretch bike pants. When the competitive games started, the Riverdale Flyers had their uniform in the team colors of navy and white. Some wag had said they should be named the Riverdale Sailors rather than ‘Flyers’.

  Watching her approach, she sensed how Tenille became more desirable each day. So enchanting, the strain on her self-restraint was becoming intolerable. She wasn’t sure, despite the earlier resolve, that she could continue the ‘good guy’. She sighed, thinking how in this life it wasn’t given to have what you want when you wanted it.

  ‘Hi there.’ she greeted as she opened the door. An exotic attar assailed her senses. An essential oil? She was so close she could reach out and touch her … right now. She closed the door and walked back; taking her seat she turned saying: ‘You are so beautiful.’

  Tenille was bowled over. She didn’t know what to say, but her body did. The coolness from the shower was lost in an all-encompassing heat, flooding like a tempest through to her dark places. An extraordinary moment of desire, intense and insistent, had pierced her under the ribs and taken her breath away. With Devon it had never been like this.

  Sidonie let in the clutch and as the car moved away Tenille let out a deep sigh. She heard it and turned her head, quickly. Tired of compliments she supposed, disparagingly. It hadn’t been very original, but somehow she couldn’t help herself. The words had just come out.

  “Something is happening to me,” Tenille thought. “I’m unable to do anything about it.”

  “Do you want to?” an inner voice asked.

  “No, no. But it’s not right. This shouldn’t be.”

  She remembered Devon as a woman she admired; wished she could be cool like her. This girl was drawing her to her, the pull stronger than she could resist. “But I must.” Still a breathless feeling of physical excitement tightened her chest.

  “Why?” challenged the voice again.

  “It’s not right. I’m not like that.” At last she turned her head to look full at Sidonie. She saw the thick, sun colored hair, the misty blue eyes and her small, beautifully shaped mouth; the lips of the deepest pink. “I want this girl to kiss me,” rocked through her body.

  ‘We should be at Riverdale just about on seven,’ Sidonie said. ‘I won’t have time to introduce you round, I’m afraid, but I’ve asked a friend of mine to sit with you while I’m up, OK?’

  She nodded, having drifted so far with her tumultuous emotions, she was unable to trust her voice.

  ‘Her name’s Thea and she’s a good friend of a buddy of mine, who is also a ‘Flyer’. Sorry about this, but they take us off right away for the drills, so we can make the most of the daylight.’ She was trying to make conversation, but Tenille seemed unwilling to say anything. ‘There are lights, but being a small diamond, they’re not the best.’ Still she said nothing. Sidonie ventured: ‘You’re very quiet. Everything OK?’

  Rousing herself from introspection, Tenille assured her there was nothing wrong.

  As they pulled into the car park, Sidonie could see from the number of cars and bikes, everyone had arrived. Spotting Reine’s little Lada, she also noticed, parked conveniently in the only patch of shade, Trent’s Integra. She liked Trent, but she was just too damned sure of herself. She had experience on her side and knew all the moves did, ‘been-there’, ‘done-that’, Trent. Well, she was catching up … and fast.

  While Sidonie was parking, Thea walked over. ‘I was looking out for you.’ She smiled as she bent down to the window and quickly looked across to the passenger. She engaged the hand brake then turned to Tenille saying she’d make the introductions outside. Getting out, she gave Thea a hug and brought her round. She was a handsome woman; late forties, the ‘earth mother’ type. Her hair, loose-flowing to past her shoulders was a rich chestnut color, speckled throughout with grey, which she refused to cover up. Her face however, was rarely seen without makeup. A perfect heart shape, the mouth was a tiny rose bud between plump, round cheeks. An aura of well-being exuded from her, but she suffered, not infrequently, from severe bouts of asthma. Short sighted, she wore highly magnified glasses, but the eyes were never judgemental behind their dramatic frames.

  ‘Everyone’s here, looks like. Will you be OK if I take off now?’

  She looked at Tenille, hoping this evening was not going to turn into a disaster and leave her with regrets.

  ‘Relax, Sid. She’ll be fine. You can come collect her at the end.’ Thea squeezed Tenille’s hand. ‘We can take care of ourselves, can’t we? We’ll settle ourselves on the west side so the sun’s behind us.’ She turned to Sidonie. ‘Look for us there, after.’

  They turned, leaving Sidonie watching her heart’s desire walk away, not knowing if she’d still be ther
e for her at the end of the game. Thea could get carried away and blow the whole thing.

  “No she won’t, stop worrying … Dingbat.”

  A big girl loped up beside her to deliver a hearty slap, accompanied by a joyful greeting. ‘Sid, long time no see. Thought the new season would bring you out of the woodpile. How’ve you been?’ She turned to find her old sparing partner lock-stepping with her.

  ‘Anstie. Good stuff. I wondered if you’d be back. Winter sees everybody scatter. You never know who’ll turn up. Gee, you’re looking great.’

  ‘So are you. Working out, eh?’

  They walked on, deep in catching up. Sidonie didn’t notice Trent, slouched against the back nets, taking in the scene and the new faces. She had spotted Thea first, walking over to the car. After observing the introductions, her attention had really snagged when the two women took off.

  “Someone new?”

  Thea knew everybody and she intended to take a closer look at that one. The face, in profile was exquisite. Maybe she could strike up something with Thea, as the evening wore on? She’d not seen a face to capture her on an instant like this, in a long time. Probably it was the package too; so feminine.

  It was about now Sidonie looked over to the dugout and spotted Trent. She followed her gaze, discerning it to be intense. Sure enough. It was directed toward the two women, taking their places.

  “Rats’ there’s nothing you can do girl. Just stay on your toes.”

  Thea was warm and friendly. So easy to get along with, Tenille had no reluctance in talking to her. It was exciting, being in the company of so many women. A cross-section of ages, each animated and expectant, some still trying-out, others renewing old acquaintances. Not a man in sight. And they didn’t look to be filling in time until they arrived. They were here and this was where it was all happening.

  “Is that what feminism is about, being self-sufficient?” Tenille had not given it much thought before. Women of her acquaintance in the past were not inclined to discuss it and she’d not pursued the idea with any zeal. Just being married had taken up all her energies, with little left over for abstract speculation. But being here, experiencing the exhilaration of the atmosphere, she wondered if it was just an abstract concept. Could it be a way of life?

  Right now the players were sorting themselves into teams and taking up their positions. Thea cried out: ‘There’s Reine. See over at third base. She and Sid are playing on the same side tonight.’

  ‘Where’s Sidonie? I don’t see her.’

  Thea turned in surprise. ‘Didn’t she tell you. She’s a catcher. Those powerful legs of hers give her the speed and stamina which other women lack. And add to that she has an accurate arm. On a good day she’ll rarely over throw.’

  ‘No, she hasn’t told me anything about her playing,’ she admitted. ‘Come to think of it, she hasn’t told me much at all.’ Still a stranger really. She looked again at the catcher; it was hard to see her Sidonie beneath that padding or behind the mask.

  The game under way, she leaned forward intently, anxious not to miss any of the plays. Thea looked across at the absorbed woman beside her. She could see why Sidonie was going to so much trouble.

  “She is lovely, with a disarming openness.”

  She could tell she was older, but had retained a delightful ingenuousness. All her observations were important to her and she meant what she said. She seemed totally unaware of the admiring looks she was drawing. Reine had said to go easy, but she hoped she wasn’t one of those just dabbling in lesbianism for the sake of a change. She didn’t strike her as a woman trying to escape boredom. Her interest seemed genuine.

  Certainly she liked Sid a lot. She had seen that immediately; the way she looked at her, her eyes lingering longer on her face than was necessary. She’d seen that regard many times before, on young girls’ faces when they’d looked at Reine. In the past it had bothered her, not now. “Don’t get too complacent, Thea,” she admonished herself.

  Being early in the season the game was slow, but someone was bound to shake the tree soon.

  It was the top of the ninth and Trent was caught on a ball she should have bunted. Instead of joining team-mates in the dugout, she strolled over to where Thea was sitting and plonked herself down. It was easy to get talking; they had known each other a long time. Thea introduced Trent and there was no mistaking the frank appraisal of her scrutiny. Trent thought this woman had an edible smile.

  Tenille was surprised at feeling self-conscious and slightly disturbed. Trent observed the color in her cheeks deepen as she spoke to her.

  “Mm..m.” It was something more than Tenille’s beauty that was charismatic. “Very chaste but with a generous heart.” There was a mysteriousness about her, holding her totally in thrall.

  Tenille, for her part, thought Trent a handsome woman and the name unusual. The face was heavy, topped by short, light auburn hair, sticking up in spikes, but tapered into her neck at the back. Her mouth, a little thin-lipped, had a sardonic twist to it, but with an unmistakable sensuality. Tall, with strong shoulders, the body was heavy. The whole effect was solid; no blubber. In comparison, Sidonie was very much slighter. Tenille thought she would probably fill out like this as she matured, but she would never be as big. She liked Trent’s looks. There was something about her she found compelling; all power and demand. She seemed to be drawn to keep looking, whether talking or silent, made no difference. Her eyes, set wide, were a light blue-grey and very searching. It was hard to avoid their arrogant stillness.

  ‘Will you be joining us afterwards, Thea?’ Trent asked casually, giving a slight lift to her shoulders.

  ‘I don’t know yet. I’ll see how Reine feels when she comes off. This might be enough to do her in for the night. She’s become something of a couch potato.’ She laughed.

  This didn’t help. Trent drew her eyebrows together briefly, then, as if changing her mind, smiled and said: ‘Well, I might see you later.’ Although she addressed them both it was to the younger woman she looked, with those cool, pale eyes. Tenille was discomposed by this attention and stammered out: ‘Y … yes. Oh … yes.’ Thea observed Tenille’s discomfort and was trying to decide whether to say something or not, when Reine joined them, sitting down heavily on the bleachers. Trent took off with a wave.

  ‘My, but I’m out of shape. Hello, I’m Reine. You must be Tenille.’ She extended her hand.

  ‘Hello.’

  Tenille wasn’t used to shaking hands with a woman, but really, why not? It was a friendly form of greeting. More genuine than the brief brush of the cheek that some women adopted for a kiss. Sitting contentedly, she soaked up good feelings, just by being there. Players were joining friends all around, the talk flowing easily, but still no Sidonie. She was beginning to wonder what could have happened when she realized she’d been caught up in a knot of young girls who were eagerly talking to her, vying with each other for her attention. No harm in this, but as she watched she knew that for some reason she didn’t like it.

  “Don’t be silly,” she remonstrated, “why couldn’t Sidonie have young admirers? She’s a good catcher and there must be a few aspiring players who would welcome some tips from her.” Such thoughts still did not help to eradicate the feeling of unease and of somehow being ‘put out’. She tried to shrug it off and not watch the little scenario being enacted before her eyes, but she couldn’t help herself. She seemed to be determined to extract the maximum amount of pain, from watching what she did not want to see. Reine’s voice penetrated and slowly the words shaped themselves into comprehension.

  ‘Oh sorry, did you ask if I play?’

  ‘Yes, I was wondering if you’d like to try out for one of the teams. There’s several grades.’

  ‘No. No, I don’t play, but I do enjoy watching.’ She pulled her eyes away from Sidonie’s involvement and looked at her questioner. Reine, on closer inspection was older than the first impression implied. She was carrying more weight now and had thickened in the waist, but ha
d an animal vitality that was very strong, very immediate. Her curly, light brown hair had streaks of grey too. She kept it short giving it a bristling waviness, which framed her face. She was not overly tall and Thea topped her by a head. Right now she was huffing and puffing and her full cheeks were crimson, as she mopped her brow.

  At last Sidonie arrived. The field had almost cleared and everyone was packed up and making their way towards their vehicles.

  ‘Bout time you got here,’ Reine barked, giving Sidonie a friendly punch in the shoulder. ‘I saw you collecting the new crop. Got a few pho …’ She stopped mid-sentence, flushing to the roots of her hair. How could she have been so insensible when she had promised to go carefully?

  ‘Sorry, Sid.’ she muttered, head lowered. This only served to make it worse, since Tenille was standing right there, watching the whole exchange. Sidonie just glared at Reine and turned her back to ask Thea what she’d been up to. They started walking back, Thea frantically seeking something to get them through this tension and came up lamely with: ‘Not much. Had the folks over for a BBQ last Sunday.’ They couldn’t talk now in the parking lot, as women were deciding where to go. Thea asked if Reine wanted to join the crowd. To her surprise she did, so Reine checked with Sidonie.

  ‘No. No … got to get back.’

  ‘But it’s only a quarter of nine. You usually stay out much later than this.’

  Another glare from the girl, the blue eyes positively icy, as they glittered with hostility.

  Shoot. She really was putting her foot in it. ‘Suit yourself,’ she conceded hastily. ‘Nice meeting you Tenille. Perhaps we’ll see you next week?’

  ‘I’d love to come again, but I don’t know …’ hesitantly she looked at Sidonie.

  ‘Sure. Sure, I can pick you up. We’ll be off guys.’ Turning to Thea she asked quietly: ‘Everything go all right?’ and looked meaningfully at her. She was reassured by her nod.