Outing of the Heart

by Lisa Ann Harper

  ‘Kel … can I tell you something?’ Through the misty haze she watched as the girl turned her head towards her. She couldn’t see her eyes, but she heard the surprise in her voice as she said: ‘Of course, Sid. You and I go back quite a ways. Go ahead.’

  ‘Well,’ she began, slowly. ‘I’ve met someone who’s really important to me and I’m really worried just now.’ She paused, as if finding her way along an unmarked path, then continued. ‘She’s in hospital. Had surgery on her leg, Saturday. She’s not doing very well at the moment.’ A deep sigh. Kelly made no comment. ‘I do so hope she’s going to pull through. She’s a dancer and this injury is casting doubts on her future.’ The words were coming faster now, almost as though she was unwinding a ribbon of consciousness. ‘She’s finding it hard to come to terms with this and I just don’t know how to help. I feel so useless.’ This time she did stop and took time to look again at the other girl.

  Kelly felt glad Sidonie had opened up to her. She had thought before that she preferred girls. It hadn’t been what she said, more what she didn’t say. She didn’t carry on like the others, about dates, or boy friends. Yet she had been sure, with her looks and personality, there must be lots of expressions of interest. She only ever seemed to be involved with sports teams, depending on the season.

  ‘Sid. It’s good you’ve spoken up. It makes more sense now, why your training has gone down in the last little while, when you were so keen before.’

  ‘Thanks Kel. I was sure you wouldn’t be proscriptive. I don’t usually talk about myself, in a personal way. Not that I think the others would give me a hard time, but you never know and I’m not the militant, confrontational type.’

  ‘Well, it’s okay by me. That’s not my scene, but hell, who says we have to be the same?’ She sat up and looked at the troubled girl.

  ‘Hey, what you say we dress and pop over to Mama Mia’s for a bite?’ she suggested. ‘Or do you have to get back?’ she added, remembering to be considerate.

  ‘No. No I don’t and I’d like not to spend the evening alone.’ Sidonie too, sat up. ‘I welcome this chance to talk to you,’ she affirmed.

  The girls emerged outside half an hour later, having decided to take both cars. Mama Mia’s was actually a Polish restaurant, the ethnic mix at the Jane end of Bloor combining several Middle European cultures, including Czech. and Hungarian. They had been to this home-style restaurant before and always enjoyed the goulash. Once seated they declined the offer of beer and opted for two mineral waters and two juices. While waiting for their orders Kelly remarked she’d heard a disturbing item of news on the radio.

  ‘It was some time ago this happened. Somewhere in the US. Do you know,’ she leaned slightly forward and looked intently at Sidonie: ‘A mother has taken her daughter to court in a custody battle over her daughter’s two-year-old child. A boy I believe.’ She leaned back, considering the effect of her words.

  ‘Bloody hell.’ exclaimed Sidonie: ‘That’s a bit strong isn’t it? What had the daughter done?’

  ‘Nothing,’ replied Kelly. ‘She’s a Lesbian. The mother claims the boy will grow up emotionally damaged because of her daughter’s relationship with another woman. The case is based on her opinion that the daughter is an unfit mother.’

  ‘Amazing.’ Sidonie knew Lesbians had been bringing up their kids successfully for yonks. ‘Where did she get this idea from? It’s not even as though the child is to be influenced by a gay father, which does cause some people’s hackles to rise.’

  Their drinks arrived and they lapsed into silence as they took in the busy scene. Mama Mia’s was a popular eating house, the decor ethnic rather than sophisticated. But it was the menu which held the patrons interest. Sidonie took up the topic again.

  ‘Ridiculous nonsense all of it. Sexual preference makes no impact on one’s parenting ability. As far as I can judge, you’re either good with kids or you’re not. This grandmother must be wacko, I reckon.’

  Kelly nodded. ‘Anyway, the daughter is defending her right to remain the child’s mother, not only for their sakes, but on principle for the other lesbian mothers who may have to face the same discrimination against them.’ It was irrelevant to the argument but Kelly added: ‘She sounded like a real nice person too, in the interview.’

  They were pondering the strange ways of humankind and of the United States in particular as their meals arrived, steaming and aromatic, accompanied by a basket of hot baps.

  ‘I don’t know what to say about your friend, Sid,’ Kelly mused. ‘What’s her name, by the way?’

  ‘Tenille, Tenille Fenech. Her father’s Maltese.’ Sidonie’s eyes grew misty. ‘She’s such a lovely person, Kel. I never thought, in my life, I’d meet someone so beautiful, both in personality and looks. I could gaze on her face forever,’ she sighed.

  ‘You have got it bad, haven’t you?’ Kelly observed, smiling indulgently. ‘How did you meet, anyway?’ she asked out of curiosity.

  Sidonie’s eyes lit up as she gave a brief chuckle. ‘Would you believe – at the gym. I saw her at the far end of the pool, last April. I was knocked out by her, even from that distance. Perfect body. I didn’t see her face ’til later.’

  ‘Hm..m,’ mused Kelly. ‘Easily swayed, aren’t we?’ She calculated quickly. ‘So you’ve known her about four months then?’

  ‘Yes, thereabouts.’

  ‘Do you plan to …’ Kelly hesitated, ‘ …you know … move in together?’

  Sidonie was slow to reply. ‘I don’t know, Kel. I’d like that, but I’ve still got two years to go at Guelph. When I’m away, during the semester, she could find someone else.’ Sidonie’s voice was troubled.

  ‘Well, as to that, Sid, you have to be philosophical. If this Tenille couldn’t remain true to you, then perhaps it’s best you find out early in the piece.’ Sidonie was about to protest, but Kelly stopped her. ‘I know it’s still a hurtful state of affairs, but better to live through it now than years down the track, don’t you think, when your commitment would be that much more serious?’

  Kelly was down to earth and resourceful. She certainly couldn’t picture herself carrying a torch for a man who was unable to stop chasing skirt, just because she wasn’t around all the time. She brightened. ‘Anyway, that may never happen. You’re worrying needlessly, I bet. Right now, your Tenille needs to get well.’ She turned to look directly at Sidonie. ‘Why don’t you ask her what she wants and then see if you can give it to her, or at least, make a commitment to do your best. See if that won’t brighten her up. Sounds like she’s going through a bad patch. And lets face it …’ she added prosaically, her mouth contorting into a sardonic smile, ‘ …who wouldn’t be, in her situation?’

  ‘Yes, you’re right again, Kel. She’s really in the dumps at the moment and so am I, I guess?’ Her mood changed as she smiled back at Kelly. ‘She should be going home in a few days and I’m planning to take some time off to be with her. It will be fun looking after her in her apartment. She’s got a nice landlady who knows me and will be pleased I’m taking on the job.’

  ‘Oh, that’s good,’ she agreed. ‘I’m sure everything is going to be just fine. Try not to fret.’ She scrutinized her friend: ‘And Sid, if there’s anything you’d like me to do to help, you know, you only have to say the word,’ she offered. She watched Sidonie’s face brighten at this support. She could imagine she was finding it all rather a strain. A burden willingly shouldered, but not one she really knew how to handle. People to turn to would be a comfort. They finished their meal with two strong Vienna coffees.

  ‘What about the Amazon Comp? Are you going to be able to enter … with all this going on?’

  ‘I don’t know, Kel,’ she admitted truthfully. ‘It somehow doesn’t seem so important to me now, but I hate to let BODYSHAPE down. I said I’d enter on the team, but it looks like I won’t be able to pull my weight. Already I’m slipping back.’ She took a sip of coffee and breathed out a long sigh. ‘If I take it on, then I can’t be spending my spare
time with Tenille … just when she needs me.’ ‘Mind you,’ she added hastily, ‘she’s not been putting on the pressure, or anything like that.’ She felt she’d been able to do so little for her up ’til now, but if she could only see inside this aching heart of hers, she would learn the depth of her feelings.

  Kelly sat and watched the play of expressions pass and pass again, across the young face. She could see she was in a world of her own, but … it was getting late and they should go. Ever practical, she interrupted Sidonie’s reverie with the suggestion that they settle up.

  ‘Oh sorry. Yes. Thanks for being so patient with me. Thoughts sometimes spin out of control in my brain and I can’t come to any conclusion. Just everything going round and round all the time. You’ve really been a great help.’

  Kelly smiled her pleasure. ‘If I don’t see you around for a while, I’ll understand. Don’t worry about the team. The girls are doing fine. They’re looking on this as all rather a fuzzy buzz. It’s good experience, should they decide to get serious, but I think for the most part it’s just for fun.’

  Sidonie realized she would have to do something about Softball too. However, she’d probably be able to keep up with that since it didn’t require rigorous training and Tenille could still enjoy being a spectator.

  The girls left the restaurant and said goodbye on the sidewalk, feeling better for their time shared. It was good for Kelly to encounter someone else’s problems. Her life could be too ordered and routine, she had to admit. She needed someone to shake her up occasionally. Before parting, she gave Sidonie a big hug and an extra squeeze. She appreciated the fresh clean smell of Sidonie’s hair and patted its soft silkiness before letting her go.

  ‘Take care of yourself, too Sid,’ she cautioned. ‘See you around.’ With that she climbed into her car and was soon swallowed up in the stream of passing traffic.

  Sidonie walked slowly back to her own vehicle, thinking of their evening together and appreciating how supportive women can be to each other, no matter whether gay or straight. “It’s a shame,” she ruminated, as she opened up, “that too often straight women let the presence of men blind them to the true worth of their women friends. They could miss out on an awful lot if they weren’t careful,” she realized.

  Driving home, the radio played one of her old favorites from ‘91, Martika singing, LOVE, THY WILL BE DONE. This song had always had the power to move her and at this emotional time, she listened to the lyrics with rapt attention and empathy. When she turned into the parking lot, she felt at peace and comfortable with her resolve to drop out of the competition and remain as close to Tenille as she could. It was where she wanted to be.

  Beginning the nightly process of getting ready for bed, her thoughts reminisced over her BODYSHAPE experiences. Body contouring had dominated her life since meeting Milka and she truly had enjoyed its challenges … and the results. It had been good self-discipline in her teen years, helping her to grow. She firmly believed it would be good for all youngsters, especially those going through a difficult adolescence, to get involved, but totally, in something which took their minds and energies along a constructive path. She’d made good friends too. It was where she’d met Tenille. Smiling darkly, she acknowledged this woman obsessed her; intoxicated her, she was helplessly absorbed. She just couldn’t get enough of that wonderful feeling. As she began to sink into sleep, she wondered if she made Tenille feel the same.

  * * *

  It was with hurried and impatient step that Sidonie strode down the hospital corridor. Events had conspired to hold her up at every turn, making her late and feeling anxious. She was hoping fervently, that Tenille had turned the corner on her path to recovery and was now on the up and up. She burst into the sick room, the aura of energy surrounding her quite taking Tenille’s breath away with its vitality.

  Dragging up a chair, she grasped Tenille’s hands and looked earnestly into her eyes. ‘How do you feel today. You’re looking brighter,’ she observed.

  ‘Much better. A new woman.’ She smiled so sweetly back. ‘Not like that dreary, weepy thing you saw yester …’

  ‘Don’t talk like that.’ she interrupted, sternly. ‘You know we all have ups and downs … and surely I can understand it when you’re down.’ Without realizing it she was frowning severely at her, but Tenille wasn’t put out, knowing it reflected the degree of importance she attached to her words. Sometimes she could be very much older than her years. She found it endearing, although she’d not like to be on the receiving end of one of her angry objurgations. She imagined that could be quite frightening and hoped she would never do anything to provoke such an outburst.

  Fishing in her pocket, Sidonie brought out a green, tissue paper parcel. ‘This is for you,’ she said artlessly and handed it over. She took it, wonderingly.

  ‘Unwrap it,’ she insisted.

  Carefully unfolding the paper, she saw, nestled in the centre, a braided friendship band. The colors were purple, turquoise and black.

  ‘Oh, it’s lovely.’ was the exclamation.

  ‘Do you really like it?’ Sidonie was unsure of herself. ‘They’re the women’s colors and with your coloring, I thought the combination would look terrific.’

  ‘Women’s colors? What do you mean?’ Tenille was mystified.

  ‘Oh, you know, chosen by feminists and those who support women’s rights and issues. Not the black though. That’s just there for effect.’

  ‘Well, that’s interesting. I didn’t know there were colors. But then I’ve not followed the feminist movement.’

  ‘It’s no big deal. I mean, they’re not exclusive.’ Sidonie was now binding it onto Tenille’s left wrist. The right bore her hospital identification bracelet. ‘When you go to a rally, or even a demonstration, you can see the prevalence of these colors quite boldly displayed,’ she explained.

  ‘I have a lot to learn,’ Tenille reflected. ‘But that’s all right, I’ll have you to guide me and I’ll enjoy the experience.’ After thanks for her gift, she admired the effect on her wrist. ‘You know you don’t have to keep turning up with something. Just being here is special for me.’ She smiled into her face and Sidonie felt herself glow from within.

  “What a woman.” she thought. ‘I know Babe, but I want you to have this. And if it makes you happy, then it makes me happy too. Now tell me,’ she said, leaning forward intently: ‘Is everything on the mend, today? Any news of when you can go home?’

  ‘Wait, wait,’ Tenille held up her hand, stemming the flow. ‘Not so fast,’ she laughed. ‘Yes to both of those. Doctor Suli was in to see me this morning. She says all the test results are looking good. She checked my toes and was pleased with them so the cast is right now.’ She gave her toes a wiggle and Sidonie noticed the puffiness was down; the color more normal.

  ‘I felt it in my bones that today would see you on the mend,’ she said candidly.

  ‘Also …’ continued Tenille, her eyes sparkling with the excitement of the news she was about to break, ‘ …also, if everything looks this good tomorrow, she’ll let me go home Thursday.’ Her expression added to her words: “How do you like that?”

  ‘Oh Sweetheart, that’s wonderful. You’ve really made my day.’ She was overjoyed; already could picture them together in Tenille’s little pad. She’d have such a good time looking after her. She couldn’t wait.

  ‘Tomorrow I’ll tell my boss that I need Friday, plus the weekend. Just think, Ten, almost four whole days together.’ Her eyes flashed brilliantly, their blue changing to that electric azure in her excitement. ‘I’m going to take such good care of you.’ She couldn’t sit still. She jumped up, collected a glass from the ensuite and Tenille’s water jug, to pour them iced water. Sitting down again she raised her glass in the form of a toast.

  ‘To Tenille’s homecoming,’ she said sententiously and clinked their glasses. Tenille’s laughter bubbled out of her. How she loved this girl.

  A solemn guardian one moment, a jubilant teenager the next. A girl of
so many contrasts, yet each one in its own right, a wonderful person to be with and with whom to share experiences. She had seen many of her moods now and never had she been put off. She watched the play of light across Sidonie’s face as the clouds in the summer sky briefly darkened the room then as quickly, the sun returned. Her face had such character. True, one couldn’t say she was a beauty, not in the accepted ‘all American girl’ sense. She had more than a ‘pretty doll’ look. Her high cheekbones gave her face a distinctive and mature form. Her eyebrows, arching delicately over her intense eyes, accentuated the lines of the face and drew one’s gaze to the startling, almost midnight blue of her eyes when she was lost in thought. Set in such a fair complexion, one felt penetrated by those eyes, when she turned to look. No, not a beautiful face, but one totally arresting. Tenille knew she had been drawn to this face, the first time they had met. The face had impelled her to take just one more look and then, irresistibly, to look again. It had been as though she couldn’t get enough to satisfy her eyes. Now she could drink her fill of these familiar features and know that when the eyes gazed back at her, they were the eyes of a lover.

  She set her glass down saying: ‘That was the best champagne I’ve ever drunk. I’ve never had a glass of it that made me so happy.’ She tilted her head to one side and scrutinized her.

  ‘So you think you could stand three unbroken days of my company, do you?’ she quizzed. ‘How do you know I don’t have a real mean temper and demanding nature, ordering you to fetch and carry all the time?’ she teased.

  ‘Oh pooh. I won’t mind that,’ Sidonie responded airily. She leaned back and continued: ‘I shall be indefatigable in my dedication to your service.’ Then she jumped up and stood by her chair, looking solemn, but with a mischievous twinkle in her baby blues. ‘No task shall be too large or too small for your humble servant,’ and with those words she swept her right hand across her chest in a theatrical parody of a Cavalier, then plonked herself once more into her seat.