Ravel

by Ryan, Shari J.

  I lean over to the water bubbler, grabbing a paper cone and fill it with water. This wasn’t our plan.

  After what feels like an hour, a doctor walks through the door. “Mr. Cole.” I stand up, pushing through my bodily weakness. “Your daughter is perfect. She had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck two times, but she’s receiving oxygen right now and will be just fine. A nurse will be in to take you to the neonatal care unit so you can be with your daughter.” With a proud smile, the doctor reaches for my hand. “Congratulations, son. She’s a beauty.”

  “How’s Ellie?” I ask, breathing a little easier. “Will she be in recovery soon?”

  “Eleanor is just fi—“ The doctor stops talking as he looks down at his pager. After a long second, he looks back up at me with wide eyes. “I’ll have someone come speak with you in a moment.” He runs out of the room, and I’m left staring at the door he just ran through. The look in his eyes—was that about Ellie? Is she okay? I push out of the door and find myself in an empty hallway, spinning around, looking for a nurse or anyone.

  A nurse finally walks out of the OR and walks toward me. She places her hand on my back. “Do you want to meet your daughter?”

  “Is Ellie okay?” I ask.

  “The doctors are taking good care of her,” she says quietly.

  “What does that mean? Did something happen?”

  “When they know more, they’ll let you know. For now, you should focus on your daughter.”

  “Olive. Her name is Olive.” I feel like we’ve walked a mile down this hall before we turn into a room surrounded by windows. I’m brought over to a little bassinette with plastic sides, and I see her…Olive. She’s perfect. I look at her fingers, counting them, and her toes. Ten and ten. Her nose—she has Ellie’s perfect little nose.

  “Do you want to hold her?” A nurse asks. Ellie should be able to hold her first.

  “I don’t feel right—“

  “She would want you to be holding your daughter,” the nurse says with a small smile. She reaches into the bassinette and carefully pulls my little girl out, keeping her wrapped tightly in a pink blanket. “We need to keep the tubes in her nose for a little while longer until her oxygen levels are where we’d like to see them, so just be careful not to move them.”

  She pulls over a wooden rocking chair and takes me by the arm, guiding me down into the seat. Stiff as a board, scared of hurting this tiny little person, I hold Olive against my chest, feeling her warmth. It soothes me. Olive opens her eyes, looking up at me with a lost look—a questioning look, and I melt instantly. This little girl is mine. She belongs to me…forever. How did we create something so perfect? “I’m your daddy,” I cry. “And I don’t usually cry this much, but you’re just so beautiful.”

  The nurse returns with a bottle. “Do you want to feed her?”

  “Oh, no, Ellie is planning to nurse.” That was one thing she was dead set on. She knew her birth plan could change, but she made it clear she wanted to try and avoid bottles if possible.

  The nurse pulls up a stool and sits down beside me. “We’ll give it a little while then,” she says.

  “Do you know something?” I ask her, looking at the expression painted across her face because her expression tells me she does know something or she’s seen this before. Something. There’s sympathy in her eyes, not happiness for a dad meeting his daughter for the first time.

  “I—I can’t. I think a doctor will be in to speak with you shortly.”

  My heart is aching. There is something they aren’t telling me, and with absolutely no information, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. “Could you take her for a moment?” I ask the nurse. I don’t want anyone to touch my daughter. I want to keep her to myself, but right now I feel like I can’t breathe. The nurse takes Olive. My Olive. She takes her from me and rocks her gently as I lean forward, trying my hardest to breathe a little deeper.

  “Is she going to make it? Will you at least tell me that?” I ask with a touch of hostility. I’m trying to control my anger. I’m in a nursery. I can’t lose it, but I’m about to. If someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to fucking lose it.

  The nurse looks back up at me again and doesn’t even answer me this time. Oh shit. Shit. Ellie. No. I stand up and lean over, placing a quick kiss on Olive’s head. “I’ll be right back, baby-girl.”

  I run out the doors and back toward the OR. When I approach the door, I press on it, knowing very well I should not be going through these doors, and I’m somewhat surprised no one has stopped me yet.

  When the door opens, I see a whole lot of blood…my wife’s blood! Why isn’t anyone working on her? Why isn’t anyone stopping the blood? I scan my focus around the room, looking at everyone’s faces until I see her doctor. He’s looking at the clock. What is he doing? No. No. Ellie. I run to her, grabbing her hand, pulling it up to my chest. I fall to my knees. “No. Ellie, baby. Ellie!” I yell. I shout over and over. Why isn’t anyone stopping me? I know why no one is stopping me. It doesn’t matter. Does it?

  “Time of death—“

  “Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it,” I yell.

  “Eleven, twelve,” the doctor says quietly.

  “No, she’s not gone. You can’t just take her from me like that. She’s not gone. Bring her back! Do something! Anything!” How could this happen? She’s healthy. She had a picture-perfect pregnancy, no morning sickness, no blood pressure issues, nothing. So what is this?

  Silence consumes the room after my outbursts. A blur of activity happens around me, and I’m being pulled up to my feet by several hands.

  All of the hands release me as another hand settles on my shoulder, but I can’t look away from Ellie. Her eyes are closed. Her cheeks are pale. Her lips—they’re blue. “Please, Ellie. You can’t leave me. We have our family now. Ellie…”

  “We did all that we could,” the doctor’s words float into my ear and twist tightly around my brain, shutting off all logical thoughts. “She suffered from a subarachnoid hemorrhage.”

  “Isn’t that in the brain, though?” I ask, confused, looking at the blood-soaked blue sheet covering the lower half of her body.

  “It seems as though she had an aneurysm, and it likely ruptured during one of her contractions. She had a stroke, and she passed immediately.”

  “How did we not know she—“

  “Most people don’t know until it’s too late, I’m afraid.” My family has been broken apart before it had been united. The love of my life—the other half of my heart, has died. “Son, this is not an opportune time to discuss this with you, but time is of the essence. Your wife marked off that she would want to donate her working organs if she were to pass. I wanted to inform you of this before we begin the procedure. We need to do it now.” There’s too much going through my mind to tell myself this is what Ellie would have wanted. This isn’t what I want. What about me? What about Olive? We were supposed to have all parts of her, and I selfishly don’t want to give her parts to anyone else. I want her whole. I want her with me, alive. I can’t do this without her! “I’ll give you a moment.”

  The room empties out around me, leaving me alone with my Ellie. My girl—the woman I thought I was placed on this earth for. I kneel back down by her bedside, unable to comprehend how we’ve gotten to this moment in time. Five hours ago, we were laughing at our favorite TV show. She was making a long list of baby names and spitting out the most ridiculous ones she could find in the baby-name dictionary. Five hours ago, our life was perfect. I always tried not to think that God didn’t want us to have a baby. We tried everything including infertility treatments. Nothing worked, but we kept trying. Maybe we should have taken the hint, but we didn’t. We needed Olive. We needed her like we needed air to breathe, and now I know Olive really was Ellie’s air to breathe.

  “Ellie, baby, I never considered the thought of having to say goodbye to you today. How can I say goodbye? I don’t want to. I want to beg you to sta
y, but it won’t matter, will it? Life is cruel…so damn cruel. It shouldn’t have been like this.” I place my lips over her cool cheek. She’s gone. I can feel it. Her soul is gone. I watch her for a moment, stupidly thinking she’s just going to open her eyes. “Open your eyes,” I cry into her ear. “Please. I can’t do this without you.” My heart feels like someone just ripped it out through my throat and is now choking me with it. Everything hurts so damn much, and this isn’t a pain that will ever go away. “Ellie, I’m going to raise our little girl the way you wanted to raise her. She’s going to know everything about you—every single detail, down to the heart-shaped freckle under your right eye. I won’t let you down. I won’t. Please, El, just know how much you are loved. I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I will love you until the day I die. You are my wife, my best friend, my forever. Just like I was your forever.” I really was her forever. We met when we were five on the first day of Kindergarten. We were best friends until high school, then boyfriend and girlfriend until senior year of college when we got married. We had our lives planned out, and this was supposed to be the beginning. I stand back up and place one more kiss on her forehead. Am I really saying good-bye to her right now? This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. Someone wake me up.

  But no one does. This is real. This is hell.

  I touch her hair one last time because it’s something I’ll never be able to do again. How can I comprehend that I will never touch this girl again? I touch her lips, her eyelids, her ears, her cheeks, and her neck. I need to remember the way her skin feels against mine. I can’t ever forget. I won’t ever forget.

  This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair. “Ellie, I need you. We need you.”

  For more information about Shari and to subscribe to her newsletter, visit: sharijryan.com

  facebook.com/authorsharijryan

  twitter.com/sharijryan

  goodreads.com/ShariRyan

  MORE GREAT READS

  FROM GRAVITY

  Burnt Edges by Dana Leipold (Contemporary Women's Fiction) A story based on true events that proves strength can emerge in the most horrific of circumstances.

  Tea and Madness by C. Streetlights (Memoirs and Poetry) C. Streetlight’s memoir, Tea and Madness, is a collection of prose and poetry separated into the seasons of her life. As her seasons change, she continues trying to find the balance of existing between normalcy and madness.

  A Stunning Accusation by Sarahbeth Caplin (Contemporary Women) In Sarahbeth Caplin’s New Adult novel, A Stunning Accusation, Adelaide Scott is about to discover that the truth – in all its forms – is complicated, and not at all what she expects.

  The House on Sunset by Lindsay Fischer (Memoir)A collection of reminiscences, scattering the ashes of two broken homes and putting them to rest. Each chapter offers a different glimpse inside the cycle of intimate partner violence, where honeymoon phases and traumas coexist.

  Monochrome by H.M. Jones (Contemporary Fantasy) What would you do to protect your most precious memories?

  Would you like to read more books like these?

  Subscribe to runawaygoodness.com, get a free ebook for signing up,

  and never pay full price for an ebook again.

  Discover more books and learn about our

  new approach to publishing at booktrope.com.