My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘Yeah,’ Lou said from the terrace door. ‘You do look familiar. What are you studying?’

  ‘English and Cultural Studies,’ Paige said. ‘You?’

  ‘Just English,’ Lou said, frowning. Seconds later, she clicked her fingers. ‘You go to Bleachers!’

  Paige smiled. ‘Yeah. Not lately. But I have been, yeah. Your hair’s great, by the way.’

  Lou pulled her long silver hair up into a ponytail and let it drop. ‘Thanks. I get a discount cos I work there part-time.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Paige said. She really could do with getting her hair dyed professionally. She’d been doing it herself for a while now and it was OK, but not the same. There was no way she could afford it, but maybe Lou would do it for mates’ rates.

  ‘You’d look good violet,’ Lou said.

  ‘I was thinking red. Like, bright Little Mermaid red.’

  Lou frowned, peering at Paige. ‘I think that might be too harsh. Maybe pink? Cerise?’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ Paige said.

  ‘It’ll look super-hot,’ Issey said, from the sofa. ‘But never mind that now … SHOTS!’

  ‘You’re keen, for someone who’s never done them before,’ Ella said. She was perched on the edge of the coffee table, her elbow on her knee, her chin on her fist.

  ‘You’ve never done shots?’ Paige asked Issey.

  ‘Come and sit,’ Lou said, gesturing at the second sofa.

  ‘Nope,’ Issey said, popping the ‘p’. ‘Shot virgin.’

  ‘Or do you want to go and settle into your room first?’ Ella asked Paige.

  ‘No, it’s OK,’ Paige said. ‘Ta.’

  If anyone had asked her, up to and including, like, five minutes ago, Paige would have said she had zero interest in doing shots with three girls she barely knew and one she … actually, four girls she barely knew. But now that she was here and they were friendly and the living room was cosy and her room was empty … well, maybe just the one.

  Liane dropped down on the sofa next to Issey, who immediately curled up against her, rubbing her head against her neck like a cat, the way Liane usually did. Paige made herself look away.

  ‘So it’s shit tequila,’ Lou said. ‘It’s all I could afford. But it’ll get the job done.’

  She poured the clear liquid into the glasses and they each held one up in front of their faces.

  ‘Hey,’ Issey said. ‘Aren’t we doing the slammer thing? With limes and salt or whatever it is.’

  ‘Oh fuxache,’ Lou groaned. ‘Do we have to?’

  ‘Shot virgin!’ Issey yelled, lifting her hands over her head. ‘We have to do it right!’

  Lou rolled her eyes, but she got up and ran downstairs to the kitchen, coming back with limes and salt and a roll of paper towels. ‘In case you puke.’

  ‘I’m not going to puke,’ Issey said, but she looked almost nervous as she arranged the lime and salt on the table in front of her.

  ‘To second year!’ Lou said, holding up her glass.

  ‘To our own place!’ Liane said.

  ‘To fun!’ added Lou and downed her shot.

  The others followed, wincing or gasping or laughing. Issey tipped hers back, sucked the lime, licked the salt off the back of her hand and said, ‘Fuck me!’

  ‘Good?’ Lou asked.

  Issey placed the shot glass on the top of her head, her posture perfect. ‘Another?’

  ‘Boyfriend?’ Lou asked Paige when she was three shots down. She was sitting on the floor between Issey’s legs and Issey was attempting to braid her hair. ‘Girlfriend?’

  Paige shook her head. ‘No one.’

  ‘Really?’ Issey said. ‘But you’re gorgeous.’

  Paige dipped her head, her hair falling down over her face. It was ridiculous: if someone posted that on one of her Instagram photos, she’d happily reply ‘Thanks, babe!’ but IRL? Nope.

  ‘She might not be interested, Iz,’ Liane said. ‘Not everyone’s sex crazed like you.’

  ‘I’m not sex crazed,’ Issey said. She was lying down now, with her head on Liane’s lap. ‘I just like boys. Lots and lots of boys.’

  ‘I blame the parents,’ Liane said.

  Issey laughed. ‘Yep.’

  ‘They’re strict?’ Paige asked. She’d only had the one shot – she didn’t really like tequila – but she was on her second beer.

  ‘Yup,’ Issey said. ‘My dad’s Greek. And I’m the youngest of five girls. So I was always totally babied and over-protected. So I came to uni and –’

  ‘Went wild,’ Lou finished.

  Issey laughed. ‘Not wild. Not that wild. But wild for me. Wild enough that if my dad knew he’d, you know, die.’

  ‘My dad doesn’t care what I do,’ Paige said.

  ‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ Ella said instantly.

  ‘He doesn’t even know what uni I’m at.’ Paige put the beer bottle down on the coffee table and lined it up with the others, turning them so all the labels were facing her.

  ‘What?’ Ella said. ‘He must do!’

  Paige shook her head. ‘He knows I’m at uni, obviously. But I kept waiting for him to ask where and he never did. So I just didn’t tell him.’

  ‘And your mum?’ Ella asked. She’d moved onto the sofa next to Lou and she hooked her arm through Lou’s, cuddling against her.

  ‘Dead,’ Paige said.

  ‘Fuck,’ Ella said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I didn’t know that,’ Liane said, reaching out one perfect leg and poking Paige in the arm with her toes.

  Paige shrugged. ‘It’s never come up.’

  ‘Ella’s family is perfect,’ Lou said. ‘So it upsets her when other people’s aren’t.’

  ‘Hey!’ Ella said. ‘That’s not fair.’ She started to sit up, pulling her arm away.

  Lou pulled it back. ‘Come on. I’m only joking. But you have to admit your family is like something out of a TV show.’

  ‘So’s mine,’ Paige said. ‘EastEnders.’

  Issey gave one of her honks of laughter that made everyone jump. ‘You’re funny!’ She pointed her beer bottle at Paige. ‘I didn’t think you were going to be funny!’

  ‘Why not?’ Paige asked.

  ‘Because you’re so …’ Issey dipped her head, looked up under her fringe, pouted. She was even pushing her small boobs together with her inner arms.

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Paige said. ‘Seriously?’

  Liane was crying with laughter. ‘Oh my god, Issey! You literally only just met her!’

  ‘I know!’ Issey said. ‘What’s wrong with that? Look at her!’

  Liane wiped her eyes with the back of her hands, smearing some mascara onto her cheekbone. She stared seriously across the room at Paige. ‘She’s just gorgeous,’ she said. ‘That doesn’t mean she’s not funny. I thought I told you she was funny.’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying!’ Issey said. ‘I said she’s funny!’ She clambered up off the sofa, pushing Liane’s legs off hers. ‘And you didn’t say she was funny, you said she was in the shit and we should help her out.’

  She half staggered out of the room, bumping into the small table at the end of the sofa and sending all the glasses rattling. ‘Just going to the loo,’ she told them.

  ‘Sorry about her,’ Liane told Paige. ‘She’s pissed.’

  ‘S’OK,’ Paige said. ‘I’m glad you asked me anyway.’

  It wasn’t like she hadn’t known. It wasn’t as if she’d thought Liane was into her or anything. She’d known Liane had only asked her because Liane was a good person and so one day, after their seminar, when they’d walked to the library together – Liane to meet her friends in the cafe, Paige to stay warm, study, and pretend she’d eaten her lunch already – Paige had ended up telling her too much about her situation. Not everything, of course, but enough.

  ‘Sorry about that. Issey hasn’t got much of a brain-to-mouth filter,’ Ella said now.

  Paige shook her head. ‘It’s fine. So … where are you from?’

&
nbsp; ‘I’m from Lancashire,’ Ella said. ‘Very small town.’

  ‘And your perfect family?’ Paige smiled.

  ‘They’re definitely not perfect,’ Ella said, smiling back. ‘My parents got divorced when I was six. Mum remarried and my stepdad is amazing. I’ve got a brother a year older and we’ve got a cat and that’s it. Boring.’

  ‘They play Scrabble when they go home,’ Lou said, draining a beer and pouring herself more tequila. ‘And they’ve got a family WhatsApp group. They all really like each other! It’s fucked up.’

  ‘That sounds great,’ Paige said.

  ‘It’s not bad,’ Ella said, smiling.

  ‘I always wanted a brother,’ Paige said.

  ‘You an only child?’ Lou said. ‘Me too. Sucks. Dylan’s, like, Ella’s best friend.’

  ‘Yeah?’ Paige said, opening another beer.

  ‘We’re pretty close, yeah,’ Ella said.

  ‘Once,’ Lou said, crossing the room to the terrace, pulling a cigarette packet out from the pocket of her dungarees. ‘Once when she was drunk, Ella said he was her favourite person in the world. Imagine that.’

  ‘Piss off,’ Ella said, laughing.

  ‘Before that, I thought I was her favourite person in the world. But no. It’s her actual brother. How wholesome.’

  Ella rolled her eyes and Paige smiled at her. It sounded lovely. She couldn’t even imagine it.

  They moved out onto the roof terrace when the beer ran out. The navy sky was dotted with stars, the air surprisingly warm. Laughter and shouting drifted up to them from the street below. They’d brought pillows and duvets out with them, and were passing the tequila round now, swigging it from the bottle. Paige loved it way more than she’d expected to.

  ‘No relationships for me this year,’ Ella said when Liane had finished telling them about the boy she’d seen on the train who’d given her a ‘significant look’. ‘All work all the time,’ Ella added.

  ‘You can’t work all the time,’ Lou said. ‘That’s unrealistic.’

  ‘Well …’ Ella said. She leaned forward to grab some Doritos, but tipped over, ending up with her head in Paige’s lap. ‘Sorree,’ she giggled.

  Paige shrugged and helped her back to upright, pushing the crisps closer.

  ‘I’m still going to have fun with you guys,’ Ella said. ‘But I don’t need the distraction of a boy!’

  ‘They are distracting,’ Issey said. She was curled up under her duvet like a dog, only the top of her hair visible.

  ‘Well, I’m not giving up boys. Men,’ Liane said. ‘No fucking way.’

  ‘I’m not giving them up either,’ Ella said. ‘Just … no relationships. I can do … casual.’

  ‘You?’ Lou said. ‘You can do casual?’

  ‘I can!’ Ella said.

  ‘Oh, I’m sure,’ Lou said, standing up and lighting a cigarette. ‘It’s just, you know, you never have.’

  ‘I have!’ Ella said, shifting so she was kneeling up and looking over at Lou. ‘That guy in that bar that time.’

  ‘Oh, yeah,’ Lou said. ‘I remember him.’ She grinned.

  ‘What guy in what bar what time?’ Issey said, crawling out of her duvet.

  ‘I can’t remember the bar. But the guy was doing a survey? And he came over and started talking to us. Me and Lou. And he asked me to dance. And I danced with him. And then I went home with him!’

  ‘And what happened when you went home with him?’ Lou said, blowing a stream of smoke out over the street.

  ‘We fell asleep,’ Ella said.

  ‘And in the morning?’

  ‘I left.’

  ‘That does not count,’ Lou said.

  ‘It so does!’ Ella said, sitting back down and taking the tequila from Paige. ‘I went home with someone I’d just met! It counts! Doesn’t it?’

  ‘I don’t think it does,’ Liane said. ‘Not if you didn’t have sex. Did you do anything? Blowie? Handy? Anything?’

  ‘No,’ Ella said, pouting.

  ‘Doesn’t count,’ Issey said. ‘Sorry.’

  Ella sighed. ‘Well, excuse me if I don’t want to just shag random guys I meet in clubs!’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying,’ Lou said, sitting down next to Ella and wrapping both arms around her. ‘You don’t do casual.’

  ‘I could,’ Ella said. ‘I could if I wanted to.’

  ‘What about you?’ Liane asked Lou. ‘Have you heard from Kyle?’

  Lou shook her head. ‘Nope. And I don’t want to either.’

  ‘You’re done?’ Liane asked her. ‘Really?’

  ‘Definitely,’ Lou said. ‘This will be a Kyle-free year.’

  The five of them sat in silence for a little while, Ella staring up at the stars, Paige scrolling her phone, Issey trying to crawl inside her duvet cover. Liane had her eyes closed and may actually have been asleep. She always fell asleep easily when she got drunk.

  ‘I think this is going to be amazing,’ Lou said. ‘The five of us. Living here.’

  Chapter 3

  Issey woke up with a mouth that felt like something was decomposing in it, and a dead arm. She lifted it over her banging head and tried to wiggle her fingers, but it felt really weird. Like it wasn’t her arm at all. Like she was wearing a too-tight rubber glove. She grabbed her wrist with her other hand and tried to shake her hand, but it didn’t help. She let it drop back down onto the bed.

  ‘Oof. Fuck! Iz!’

  Issey yelped, jerking backwards and banging her head on the wall. ‘Shitsquirrels. Li?’

  Liane rolled over, but Issey could still only see the top of her hair. ‘You punched me.’

  ‘I didn’t even know you were here. Why are you here?’

  ‘Weird noise. In m’room.’

  ‘Weird smell in mine,’ Issey said, shuffling up the bed and leaning back on the pillows. The line through the blinds made stripes on the bed.

  ‘Tequila makes me fart.’

  ‘Nice.’ Issey reached for her phone and opened Twitter and Instagram. ‘I’m not even hungover.’

  ‘You’re prob still drunk.’

  ‘Last night was good, wasn’t it?’ Issey said, typing Paige’s name into the Instagram search box. ‘Paige is nice.’

  ‘I told you she was.’

  Issey shivered. She shouldn’t have left her window open last night. She pulled at the duvet, trying to tug it back up to her chest, but all she succeeded in doing was revealing an undressed Liane.

  ‘Soz,’ Liane said without moving. ‘Might be naked.’

  ‘You are,’ Issey said. ‘You are naked. In my bed. Like some sort of perv. What if I was naked too, hmm? That would not be appropriate.’

  ‘It’d be fine,’ Liane said. ‘S’not like I was going to hump you in your sleep. Anyway, you sleep in shorts and a vest. Always have.’

  Issey rolled her eyes. Liane was right. She wasn’t that keen on being so predictable. Maybe she’d go out later and buy herself a nightdress or something. Sensible pyjamas like Ella’s.

  ‘Anyway. Look at this.’ She held her phone up to Liane’s face and watched as Liane scrunched her nose up and blinked against the light.

  ‘Is that Paige?’ Liane asked.

  ‘Yes!’ Issey said, scrolling. ‘And look!’

  ‘I know,’ Liane said, shuffling up the bed until she was next to Issey. ‘I follow her. She’s gorgeous.’

  The photo showed Paige lying in bed on her front, showing quite a lot of cleavage, her mouth open, staring straight into the camera.

  She scrolled past some photos of food and sunsets and clouds and stopped on one of Paige in a bikini, in front of a mirror.

  ‘She looks sexy as fuck there,’ Liane said.

  ‘Do you think?’ Issey said. She pulled her legs up so she could rest the phone on her knees. ‘She’s quite big.’

  ‘Yeah, she is,’ Liane said. ‘But look at her! She’s so hot.’

  ‘Do you think?’ Issey said again. She took her phone back from Liane. In the next photo, Paige
had one hand on her hip, the other pushed into her hair. Again she wasn’t smiling, but was looking directly into the camera. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Well,’ Liane said, taking the phone again, ‘I’m half hard.’

  ‘Oh my GOD, Li!’ Issey said, dropping her phone and shoving Liane halfway across the bed. ‘Not in my bed!’

  Liane laughed. ‘God, you’re such a prude.’

  ‘I’m not!’ Issey said. ‘What the fuck? Why would you even say that?’

  Liane picked up the phone and scrolled some more. ‘Well, OK. You’d never post a photo like this, would you?’

  The photo she’d landed on showed Paige sitting in a chair, her legs pulled up to her chest. She was holding a fluffy blanket over herself, but you could see she was naked underneath – the curve of her hip, the side of her boob.

  ‘I might,’ Issey said.

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘I might!’

  ‘You’re making breakfast?’ Paige said, shuffling into the kitchen, wrapped in a huge white fluffy dressing gown, her hair wet and pushed back. No make-up and no glasses. She looked, Lou thought, glancing up briefly from resting her head on her folded arms on the breakfast bar, like an underdeveloped photo of herself. Or like she’d used the wrong Instagram filter.

  Ella was standing in front of the cooker, stirring something in a pan.

  ‘Best thing for a hangover,’ Ella said over her shoulder.

  ‘I feel like death,’ Lou said, without lifting her head. ‘Are you rough?’

  ‘I’ve been better.’ Paige sat down and started scrolling through her phone. ‘But I’ve been worse too.’

  ‘We need to all chip in for better tequila in future,’ Lou said, reaching for the steaming mug of tea in front of her. ‘I can feel my guts rotting.’

  Paige laughed.

  ‘There’s tea in the pot,’ Ella said, bending to pull out the grill. ‘Help yourself.’

  Paige slid the teapot towards herself. ‘I can’t believe you made a pot.’

  ‘Ella’s a domestic goddess,’ Lou said, managing to prop her head on one hand and look over at Paige.

  ‘Apparently,’ Paige said. She poured herself a mug of tea and added three sugars. When she looked at Lou, Lou was grinning back at her.

  ‘I like it sweet,’ Paige said.