My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  Lou held the article up under the fairy lights. ‘Someone twice your age. Done that. Someone in uniform. Ooh. Would like to do that.’

  ‘Firefighter,’ Liane said.

  ‘Soldier,’ Issey said.

  ‘Pilot,’ Paige said.

  ‘There’s a hot security guard at Primark …’ Issey said. ‘Bit more realistic than pilot.’

  ‘Do we need to be realistic?’ Ella said. ‘I thought we were just … you know.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Lou said. ‘Don’t you think it could be fun? See how many we can tick off before the end of year? Winner gets … I don’t know, what does the winner get?’

  ‘Chlamydia?’ Paige said and the others laughed.

  ‘Every time we tick one off we put a tenner in a jar. Winner takes all.’

  ‘So you’re telling me it’s going to cost me a tenner a shag,’ Liane said. ‘I need a better job.’

  ‘What do you think?’ Lou said. ‘Up for it?’

  ‘I am,’ Issey said. ‘And now I’m going to bed.’ She stood up, her duvet curled around her like a turtle’s shell. ‘Night, sluts.’

  ‘Ugh, I hate that word,’ Ella said. ‘You can include me if you want, but you should keep expectations low.’

  ‘They are the lowest,’ Lou said, kissing Ella’s temple.

  ‘Yeah, why not?’ Liane said.

  ‘Paige?’ Lou asked.

  Paige tucked her phone inside her bra and said, ‘What the hell.’

  The others followed Issey’s lead, standing up and heading back inside the house. Ella picked the article up from the floor and started to fold it before saying, ‘Hey, wait. Missed one.’

  ‘What?’ Lou said, stopping in the doorway.

  ‘Sleep with your best friend,’ Ella read. She snaked her arms around Lou’s waist from behind, dipping her head to rest her forehead between Lou’s shoulders. ‘Want to do it now?’ She tried to sound sexy, but started laughing halfway through.

  Lou laughed. ‘Oh my god. See, it’s already getting you frisky. This is an excellent plan.’

  Chapter 7

  On Sunday, Lou made a curry and they all sat around the huge table in the living room together. Issey and Liane had both had hangovers all day and had spent most of it on the sofa watching How to Get Away With Murder and napping. Paige had been at work. Ella had made a start on her course reading. And Lou had slept in until just after lunchtime and then joined Issey and Liane in Shondaland.

  ‘So I’ve been thinking about that list,’ Lou said, dipping naan into her curry. ‘I think we should do it. For reals.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Ella said.

  ‘Yeah, I think it could be a laugh. We don’t all have to shag everyone on it. Just, you know, if you fancy a shag, have a look at the list for ideas.’

  Issey laughed. ‘I like that idea. Like a menu. A menu of men. A MEN-u. Fuck it, that doesn’t work.’

  ‘Don’t you think it’s kind of … sleazy?’ Ella said.

  Lou rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah. But in a good way. Just … we all want to have sex, yeah?’

  Ella shrugged, but the others agreed.

  ‘This way we get to have sex, but without the bullshit.’

  ‘Leaving us free to focus on our studies,’ Paige said, looking at Ella over the top of her glasses.

  ‘Exactly,’ Lou said. ‘It’s genius, really.’

  ‘I guess,’ Ella said.

  ‘I can’t believe it was the “focus on your studies” bit that convinced you,’ Lou said.

  ‘I didn’t say I was convinced.’ Ella stabbed a piece of carrot and popped it in her mouth. ‘Just that I’ll give it a go.’

  ‘I’m up for it,’ Liane said. ‘Definitely. Last year was a dis-as-ter, boys-wise. This year I need a plan.’

  ‘Excellent,’ Lou said. ‘Are we happy with the full list?’

  ‘What was it again?’ Paige said. ‘Where’s the magazine?’

  ‘I think I stuck it back under the table.’ Issey pushed her chair back and headed out onto the terrace, coming back in holding the magazine at arm’s length between her fingertips. ‘It’s wet. And gross.’

  ‘Don’t put it on the tabl—’ Ella said, as Issey flopped it down on the end of the table where no one was sitting.

  ‘Read it out, Iz,’ Liane said.

  ‘Right,’ Issey said, leaning over the table so she could read it without touching it. ‘Tattoo, a waiter, Greek waiter, someone off a reality show, a man who once went to jail, cab driver, another girl, a friend’s brother, someone in a band, your teacher or boss, someone twice your age, someone in uniform, your best friend and we were going to add someone, weren’t we?’

  ‘Someone who doesn’t speak English?’ Lou said. ‘For Issey.’

  ‘Yes!’ Issey grinned. ‘Get in.’

  ‘Can we make it gender neutral?’ Paige asked.

  ‘Are you gay?’ Issey asked, before she could stop herself.

  Paige shrugged. ‘Queer. Bi, I think. Or maybe pan.’

  ‘What’s pan?’ Liane said.

  ‘Gender is irrelevant,’ Paige said. ‘I’m more interested in people than genitals.’

  ‘God, I love a good genital,’ Lou said, closing her eyes and smiling.

  Paige laughed. ‘So you’re all straight, then?’

  ‘I am,’ Ella said. She’d got her notebook out and was writing in it on the table next to her plate.

  ‘Of course you are,’ Lou said. ‘And are you seriously writing the Fuck It List down in your bullet journal? Have you got the washi tape for that?’

  ‘Fuck off,’ Ella said. ‘And you’re straight too!’

  ‘I have been so far, it’s true,’ Lou said. ‘But I’m open to new experiences.’

  ‘That’s what uni’s for, isn’t it?’ Liane said. ‘Trying this stuff out.’

  Issey chewed the corner of her mouth. ‘I’ve only been with boys,’ she said. She wanted to say that she thought about being with girls, but she couldn’t make the words come out of her mouth.

  ‘Cool,’ Paige said. ‘So if we just make it gender neutral, yeah?’

  ‘So when do we start?’ Liane asked.

  ‘Tomorrow?’ Lou suggested. ‘I would’ve said first day of term, but we’ve missed that. Sooner the better. Strike while the iron’s hot and all that.’

  ‘And it ends?’ Paige asked.

  ‘End of second year,’ Lou said.

  ‘Agreed,’ Issey said.

  Liane held up her beer bottle. ‘Works for me.’

  Paige leaned forward and clinked her own bottle against Liane’s, inspiring Lou, Issey and Ella to do the same.

  ‘To the Fuck It List!’ Lou said. ‘May the odds be ever in your favour.’

  ‘Or your pants,’ Issey added.

  OCTOBER

  Chapter 8

  Ella sighed as she lifted the pizza box out of the recycling and put it on the counter. Someone in the house was absolutely crap at recycling, but Ella really didn’t want to be that housemate. She started to pull apart an empty Cheerios box, before realising the plastic bag was still inside. She flattened it, along with a teabag box, pulled out some yoghurt cartons and put them in the bin (they hadn’t even been rinsed) and then opened the pizza box. There was still pizza in it. She closed her eyes, took a breath, and put the kettle on instead.

  ‘Ooh, are you brewing up?’ Issey said, joining Ella in the kitchen. She opened the fridge and just stood there, staring.

  ‘I’ll make a pot,’ Ella said.

  ‘Whose cheese is this?’ Issey asked.

  ‘Mine,’ Liane said from the doorway. ‘Touch it and I’ll kill you.’

  ‘Okeydoke,’ Issey said. ‘Is there any bread?’

  She didn’t wait for an answer, just opened the bread bin and started to rummage. Ella focussed on putting teabags in the pot and milk in the mugs.

  ‘How was your day?’ Issey asked her, giving her a quick squeeze as she passed her, before sitting down at the breakfast bar with a slice of bread and jar of peanut butt
er. No plate.

  ‘Good,’ Ella said. ‘Long. Had two lectures and a seminar and a tutorial. My brain is burning. You?’

  ‘I caught my jumper on a shelf in the library and pulled a row of books down,’ Issey said through a mouthful of peanut butter sandwich. ‘Which was fucking mortifying. But then this boy – Mickael – came over and helped me pick them up. I think he does speak English, so he might not strictly count for the list, but he has a really strong accent and I couldn’t really understand anything he said so I’m counting him anyway. He asked me to meet him for a drink tomorrow. I think. It wasn’t entirely clear.’

  ‘Excellent,’ Liane said. ‘I blew Tom from my seminar in the loo. Does that count or does it have to be full sex?’

  ‘Jesus,’ said Issey.

  ‘Who’s Tom?’ Lou asked, joining them. ‘On the list, I mean. Greek waiter? Twice your age? In uniform?’

  ‘He’s in a band,’ Liane said. ‘They sound godawful, but still.’

  ‘I think it counts,’ Lou said. ‘Should we vote on it?’

  ‘Oh my god,’ Liane said, putting her head down on her arms on the table.

  ‘Oh, shut up,’ Ella said, sliding a mug of tea towards her. ‘It counts.’

  ‘Yay me!’ Liane said, sitting back up again and punching the air.

  Lou put her hand out. ‘Tenner.’

  The Fuck It List was stuck to the fridge with alphabet magnets that had come in someone’s cereal box, and they’d washed out an Illy coffee can with a screw-top lid for the cash.

  ‘Oh, shitballs,’ Liane said. ‘I forgot about that. I can’t believe I’ve got to pay a tenner for a blow job.’

  She folded the note up and dropped it in the tin.

  ‘Did you at least get off too?’ Lou asked her.

  ‘Nope. Had to go to a seminar.’

  ‘A sexy seminar?’ Issey joked, waggling her eyebrows.

  ‘If you find performance management in the workplace sexy. Which I very much do not.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know …’ Issey said. ‘It could be. Bend me over the desk and manage my performance …’

  ‘Christ,’ Lou said. ‘So Liane’s got the first tick then? No one else has anything to share?’

  ‘Paige might have,’ Ella said.

  ‘Where is she?’ Issey asked. ‘I’ve hardly seen her all week.’

  ‘Work, I think,’ Lou said, adding sugar to the tea Ella had passed her. ‘She’s always at work.’

  ‘We should go and see her,’ Issey said.

  ‘Can’t tonight,’ Liane said. ‘Massive essay. But yeah, we should.’

  ‘When does Paige do her uni work?’ Ella asked, moving the toaster so she could wipe the counter.

  ‘No idea. Never see her doing any,’ Liane said.

  ‘Maybe she can do some at the pub?’ Lou suggested. ‘I get some done at work sometimes. When it’s quiet.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Ella said. ‘Maybe.’ She rinsed the cloth under the tap and put it on the draining board, before turning to look at the other three. ‘Can I add someone to the list or is it too late?’

  ‘Ooh,’ Lou said. ‘Go on …’

  ‘I was just thinking maybe someone from a bookshop,’ Ella said.

  ‘Got someone in mind?’ Lou grinned. ‘Do you have sexy librarian fantasies? Actually, that does sound like you …’

  ‘Not a librarian,’ Ella said, straightening the toaster so she didn’t have to look at Lou. ‘A bookseller. Because we’re going to be spending a lot of time –’

  ‘And money,’ Liane interrupted.

  ‘And money – in bookshops, so I figured this would make it interesting.’

  ‘I like the way you think,’ Issey said. ‘Maximise our flirt hours.’

  ‘I think we should put “bookseller or librarian” though,’ Lou said. ‘Keep our options open.’

  ‘Or someone we met in a library …’ Issey suggested.

  ‘Fine,’ Ella said. ‘Not yours, Iz. That could basically be anyone.’

  ‘And he’s already covering “doesn’t speak English” anyway, no?’ Liane said.

  ‘S’pose.’ Issey stuck out her bottom lip and then curled it like Elvis.

  ‘You can do it, El,’ Lou said, gesturing at the list on the fridge.

  So Ella did.

  Liane went straight from uni to work for an evening shift at the supermarket – six ’til ten. She was on with Colette, who was her favourite. She was old enough to be Liane’s mum, but always up for a chat and a laugh.

  ‘Someone who’s been to jail?’ Colette said, leaning her elbows on the counter and craning her neck out over the store. ‘Think that’s probably your best bet here, tbh.’

  ‘Did you really just say “tbh”?’ Liane asked her. She was crouching down under the counter, looking for the box of paper receipt rolls she knew was under there, but couldn’t seem to find. She looked up at Colette.

  ‘I did, yeah,’ Colette said. ‘And don’t even start. I’ve had our Owen telling me I’m too old to say “fam”, too old to listen to fuckin’ Lady Gaga, too old to wear thigh-high boots.’

  Liane stood up and smiled at Colette. ‘You’re not too old for any of that. Don’t listen to Owen.’

  ‘I never do, love. Hey, he’s got a tattoo – he any good to you?’

  Liane crouched back down and knelt in front of the cabinet so she could reach in further. ‘I don’t think so, Col. Thanks, though.’

  ‘Hey, he’s not a bad catch,’ Colette said. ‘I mean, he’s not a good catch. And you might actually catch something …’ As she laughed at her own joke about her own son, Liane reached behind a roll of blue paper and screamed as her hand touched something furry.

  Liane pulled her hand out of the cupboard and looked at it. She didn’t even know what she was looking for. Maybe a flashing light that said ‘you just accidentally touched a dead rat’. She shuddered, took a deep breath, and finally pulled the roll of paper out of the cupboard.

  ‘What about him?’ Colette said, pointing at a guy standing in front of the chiller cabinet looking puzzled.

  ‘Is it because he’s black?’ Liane asked, biting the inside of her mouth to stop herself smiling.

  ‘Oh my god!’ Colette shrieked, as Liane had known she would. ‘No! You know I’m not like that. He’s cute. He comes in here a lot. Although …’ She stared over at him, frowning. ‘He did buy condoms once.’

  ‘Stop talking now,’ Liane said.

  The boy came over, carrying two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s: one Caramel Chew Chew and one Phish Food.

  ‘Can I ask your advice?’ he said, once he was in front of them.

  ‘Not me, love,’ Colette said. ‘I’ve got to nip to the ladies. You’ll be all right on your own, Liane, yeah?’

  ‘Fine, yeah, thanks,’ Liane said through gritted teeth. She was going to kill her.

  Colette lightly slapped Liane’s bum on her way past and then disappeared through the door to the staff room.

  ‘Which one of these is nicer?’ the boy asked.

  ‘Caramel Chew Chew or Phish Food?’ Liane said, redundantly. It wasn’t as if he was asking her about his hands. They were both nice, although one had a wide silver ring on the middle finger. She probably liked that one better.

  ‘I like them both, actually,’ Liane said. ‘But Phish Food is my favourite. Caramel Chew Chew can be a bit too … caramelly.’

  The boy smiled and his face transformed. He was cute before, but smiling made him quite ridiculously gorgeous. Liane mentally ran through the Fuck It List – she couldn’t see any tattoos, didn’t think he’d been on reality TV, hoped he hadn’t been in prison, maybe he was a waiter? – but then she realised she was being ridiculous. She could go out with him, list or no list.

  ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Too caramelly could be a problem, I guess.’

  ‘Phish Food has more variety,’ Liane said, glancing towards the door and saying a little prayer that no more customers would come in. ‘You’ve got caramel in there too. But you’ve also got mar
shmallow. And the little fish.’

  ‘Everyone likes the little fish,’ he said, turning the tub of Phish Food around in his hand.

  ‘I think so,’ Liane said. ‘Only a monster wouldn’t.’

  The boy laughed. ‘You’re right. I’ll get the Phish Food.’

  He put the tub in front of Liane and took the Caramel Chew Chew back to the freezer, putting it back exactly where he’d got it from. Liane shouldn’t have been impressed – it was basic good manners, obviously – but she’d spent enough time tidying people’s shit in the store that it was a definite point in his favour.

  ‘So,’ he said, arriving back at the till.

  ‘Thanks for that,’ Liane said, nodding at the freezer.

  ‘Oh right,’ he said. ‘No problem.’

  He was staring at her. And she stared back. Should she just go for it and ask him out? Or maybe she should wait and see if he was going to ask her.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Can I …’

  Liane swallowed hard. ‘Yeah. I was just going to –’

  ‘I don’t want it to melt,’ he said, with an apologetic little shrug.

  ‘Oh, fuck,’ Liane said, and then clamped one hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry. You didn’t hear that. Shit. Sorry!’

  He was laughing again. And he had dimples.

  ‘God,’ Liane said. ‘I’m sorry. That’s four pounds. And do you need a bag?’

  ‘Is card OK?’ he asked. ‘And yes to a bag, please.’

  ‘It’ll be four pound five then, is that OK?’ Liane said. Like an idiot. She wanted to crawl into the cupboard under the counter, dead rats and all.

  He nodded and Liane realised he was still holding out his card. She couldn’t see the card machine so she took his card off him, which they weren’t supposed to do. God, what if he was from Head Office and this was a test. She’d failed miserably. She found the card machine and pushed his card in, glancing at his name before handing the whole thing to him.

  He put his number in while she found a bag and then there was nothing left to do.

  ‘Thanks for your help,’ he said, taking the bag.

  ‘No problem,’ Liane said. ‘Let me know how it goes.’

  He grinned. ‘I will.’

  And then he left.