My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

Lou shrugged. ‘Go for it.’

  ‘I have, like, all this stuff in my head. And I don’t know how much of it is real and how much I’m making up, you know? Like … I spent ages, years, thinking I liked this guy. And now I’m not sure I ever really did. So now I like this other guy –’

  ‘The barista?’ Lou asked.

  Liane nodded. ‘His name’s Alfie. But how do I know if I really do? Or if I’m making it up again?’

  Lou frowned. ‘I think you just have to try anyway? And see where it goes. And try to be honest with yourself about what you want.’

  ‘Historically,’ Liane said, finishing Lou’s coffee, ‘I have not been good at that.’

  ‘Fuck,’ Lou agreed. ‘Me neither.’

  The salon Lou worked in looked like a cross between a junk shop and a tattoo parlour. The walls were covered in framed paintings and neon signs. A huge, squashy, patterned sofa took up most of the back wall and was piled with cushions. The sinks and units were reclaimed from a 1950s beauty salon. Only the client chairs were modern and even then they were bright pink leather.

  Lou pasted the dye over Ella’s hair, while telling her about a client they’d had the previous night who’d wanted rainbow hair and had brought a My Little Pony with her to show them the colours.

  ‘I think Katie Price killed off the whole looking-like-My-Little-Pony thing,’ Lou said. ‘That and the bronies.’

  ‘What?’ Ella said. Her phone was buzzing in her pocket.

  ‘Jordan. You know? She did a book launch dressed as a My Little Pony. With the hair and an actual horse body.’

  Ella pulled her phone out of her pocket. ‘She had a horse body?’

  ‘The back of one. You know, like a cyclops. No, not a cyclops. Centurion. No. What the fuck’s it called?’

  Ella shook her head, feeling her hair tug in Lou’s hands, and then answered the phone, holding it an inch or so away from her ear so as not to get dye on it.

  ‘Sid?’ Lou shouted to the back of the shop. ‘What’s the thing called that’s half man, half horse?’

  ‘Is this a cock question?’ Ella heard Sid say and then her brother said, ‘Heyyyyyyy!’

  Ella laughed. ‘Are you drunk?’

  ‘Sooooo dunk.’

  ‘I’m getting my hair dyed bright pink,’ Ella said. ‘Right now. In Lou’s salon.’

  ‘Hot Lou?’ Dylan said. ‘And high.’

  ‘Did he just say ‘Hot Lou’?’ Lou said, her eyes meeting Ella’s in the mirror. ‘Who’s that?’

  ‘Are you saying hi or that you’re high?’ Ella said, frowning into the phone.

  ‘Centaur!’ Sid yelled. ‘I googled.’

  ‘Centaur, that’s it,’ Lou said. ‘Els. Who is it?’

  ‘It’s my brother,’ Ella said. ‘Can I just …’ She started to get out of the seat. ‘For just a minute?’

  ‘Seriously, just a minute though. Or you’ll come out patchy. Apache. Is that another horse?’

  ‘Palomino,’ Sid said, before disappearing into the back room again. ‘And don’t google bronies, for fuck’s sake.’

  Ella walked to the front of the salon and opened the door, stepping outside onto the street. ‘Dylan? Did you say you’re high?’

  ‘Just a bit, yeah. Was it Hot Lou?’

  ‘Yes, that Lou. How are you? Who are you with?’

  ‘The boys! Noah. And Calum.’

  ‘Don’t let them leave you on your own though, Dylan. Promise me.’

  ‘They’re not going to leave me on my own,’ Dylan mumbled. And then he shouted, ‘THEY LOVE ME.’

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Ella said. ‘I love you too. And I know what you’re like when you’re high. And you need to not be on your own. Can I talk to one of them? Put Calum on the phone.’

  ‘Fuck off, Els. You sound like Mum. They’ll all take good care of me, don’t worry.’ He snorted.

  ‘God,’ Ella said. ‘I’ll ring you later then. Make sure you’re still alive.’

  ‘I might not answer though. I might’ve pulled. Calum met these girls and –’

  ‘Oh my god, shut up,’ Ella said. ‘As if I want to hear about that. I’m going back in now, before I fuck my hair up. Promise me you’ll be sensible.’

  ‘Sensible is no fun!’ Dylan almost shouted.

  Ella turned to open the door and it was only then she really realised she’d been standing out in the street with pink dye plastered to half of her head. And of course it was also exactly then that she saw the boy from the bookshop walking towards her.

  ‘Oh shit,’ she muttered. ‘Fucking shit.’ The door wouldn’t open. Of course it wouldn’t open.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Dylan said. ‘Is your head burning? That happens to Noah sometimes when –’

  ‘No, Dyl. It’s fine. Just … call me later, yeah. Even if you pull.’

  ‘Hey,’ the boy said, as he walked past.

  ‘Love you,’ Dylan said.

  Ella wanted to bash her head against the door, but she didn’t want to get dye on the glass.

  ‘Love you too,’ she said into the phone.

  She pulled at the door again, resisting the urge to boot through the glass. And then Lou was walking towards her and opening the door.

  ‘You could’ve just tried pushing,’ Lou said.

  ‘Fuck,’ Ella said.

  Chapter 15

  ‘You seem excited,’ Liane said. She’d come back from Bean, having failed to even see Alfie, had a shower, called home, and decided to spend the evening doing absolutely nothing. She leaned against Issey’s doorway wearing a T-shirt and nothing else.

  ‘He’s cute,’ Issey said, shrugging.

  ‘Who is he? Can you tick him off the list?’

  ‘Not sure yet. He works in that shop – you know, the one with all the lit-up signs in the window? I’m hoping he’s got a tattoo at the very least.’

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I don’t know. We just said we’d get some food.’

  ‘So you’re not going to be late? Cos we’ve got that essay and you said –’

  ‘Yeah, I know. We’re not going to do it tonight though, are we? Tomorrow morning?’

  ‘Yeah, I was just thinking … if you were hungover …’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ Issey said. ‘You?’

  Liane shook her head, as if to clear it. ‘Yeah, sorry, m’fine. Just talked to my mum and she was a bit … you know.’

  ‘Ugh,’ Issey said. ‘Parents.’

  She posed, pouting, with one hand on her hip, the other pushed into her hair. ‘How do I look?’

  She was wearing a short black dress with a black leather jacket and motorbike boots.

  ‘Gorgeous,’ Liane said.

  Issey blew her a kiss.

  ‘What?’ Paige snapped, looking up from her laptop.

  ‘Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps please,’ the man said. He was young. Probably not much older than Paige. Shaved head, angry eyebrows. Just the kind of bloke she would’ve shagged without hesitation in the past. But now? She couldn’t be bothered. When had that happened?

  ‘Seriously?’ Paige said.

  He frowned. ‘Yeah. Why?’

  ‘It’s the name of a TV show,’ Paige said, closing her laptop and reaching for a pint glass. ‘I used to watch it when I was a kid.’

  ‘Never heard of it,’ the man said. ‘Was it good?’

  ‘Can’t remember,’ Paige said. ‘Which crisps?’

  She got him the drinks and the crisps and he said, ‘Have one yourself,’ which she thought probably meant that he would also be up for a quick trip to the loos, if she was so inclined. But she needed to finish her essay and every time she was interrupted she had to go back to the beginning. Postmodernism fucked with her head.

  She opened her laptop to find the screen covered in flickering multi-coloured lines. ‘Fuck,’ she muttered, tapping the space bar. ‘No. No no no no no.’

  ‘Paige?’ Jonny said from somewhere over her shoulder.

  ‘Hang on,’ she said, trying
to remember when she’d last hit save. ‘Look at this. Do you think it’s fucked?’

  ‘Have you got the charger?’ Jonny said. ‘Take it in my office and put it on charge. Sometimes that helps.’

  ‘’K,’ Paige said. ‘Thanks.’

  In Jonny’s small and sweat-scented office, Paige plugged the laptop in and watched the screen turn black and heard the fan stop whirring.

  ‘No,’ she said, her eyes filling. She scrubbed at them with the heels of her hands. ‘For fuck’s sake.’ But it was a 3,000-word essay. And she’d done maybe 2,500. And she had no idea if she’d saved it and even if she had, if her laptop – her ancient, on-its-last-legs laptop – was fucked, then she was too. She closed it, leaned over and banged her head on the desk a few times. She opened the laptop and held her breath while it flickered back to life.

  ‘Thank fuck for that,’ she said.

  ‘Do you really love it?’ Lou asked again as she and Ella walked back up Bold Street towards home.

  ‘I do,’ Ella said, glancing at her reflection in a shop window. Her hair was a brighter pink than even she’d expected. ‘I promise. I love it.’

  Ella had stayed ’til the end of Lou’s shift, reading over some notes on her laptop and making a plan for the essay she had to write by the end of the following week. The salon hadn’t been busy, but there had been a fairly steady stream of customers, though not enough to distract her. What had distracted her though was worrying about Dylan. Dylan somewhere off in Europe, pissed and high.

  Dylan was utterly hopeless with drugs. Always had been. He got dopey and clingy, loved everyone and thought everyone loved him. Which was pretty similar to his personality when he wasn’t high, but both drink and drugs heightened it and lowered his common sense. Ella was fairly confident the other boys would look after him, but she still had an image of him wandering lost and alone in some strange city, being taken advantage of. It was ridiculous. He was her older brother, ffs.

  ‘You OK?’ Lou asked, as they turned off at Wetherspoons. ‘You seem distracted.’

  ‘Just worrying about my brother,’ Ella said. ‘He’s pissed.’

  ‘Pissed off or drunk? Oh and hey, I totally forgot. Did he say “Hot Lou”? Did he mean me?’

  Ella rolled her eyes. ‘God. Yes. He saw a photo of you on my phone once and got all creepy about it.’

  ‘Is he hot?’ Lou asked. ‘Show me a photo. Actually, I can’t believe I’ve never seen a photo of him! Does he look like you? I could totally go for a boy version of you.’ She bumped Ella’s shoulder.

  ‘He does look a bit like me, yeah,’ Ella said. ‘I haven’t got any photos of him on my phone though.’

  ‘Piss off, you must have!’ Lou said. ‘I bet you all took a family one at Christmas, didn’t you? In front of the tree, all in your Christmas jumpers, reindeer antlers on.’ She tried to grab Ella’s phone out of her hand, but Ella yanked it back and dropped it in her bag.

  ‘I haven’t, honest! I’ll find one next time I go home, promise.’

  ‘Your brother thinks I’m ho-t-t,’ Lou sing-songed.

  ‘Only because he hasn’t met you and doesn’t know how annoying you are.’

  ‘You love me,’ Lou said, hugging her.

  ‘I do love you.’

  ‘And your hair. You love your hair.’

  ‘Yes,’ Ella said. ‘I do love my hair.’

  ‘How did it go?’ Liane asked without turning over.

  ‘Sorry,’ Issey said, climbing into bed behind her. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you up.’

  ‘I was awake. Mostly.’

  She’d watched two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, searched AO3 for some fanfic and stumbled guiltily across the Addison/Callie tag. That had been highly enlightening and distracting. But she’d decided she’d have to think about it some other time. She had enough to be dealing with right now.

  ‘So?’ she asked Issey. ‘Do you have something to tick off the list?’

  Issey rested her forehead between Liane’s shoulder blades. Liane was still wearing the T-shirt she’d been wearing earlier that evening.

  ‘Nope. No tick for him.’

  ‘What happened?’ Liane asked, starting to turn over.

  Issey put her hand on her back to stop her. ‘Don’t laugh.’

  ‘What? Why would I laugh?’

  ‘He’s sixteen.’ Issey buried her face in Liane’s pillow, embarrassment overwhelming her once again. When Daniel had told her – in the restaurant, as they were having coffee – she’d wanted to just get up and run straight home.

  ‘Oh my god!’ Liane said, laughing.

  ‘You said you wouldn’t laugh!’ Issey howled, face still in the pillow.

  ‘I didn’t. You just told me not to. Oh my god, Iz!’

  ‘I knowwwwwww. Shut up. God, I want to die.’

  ‘You didn’t do it, did you?’ Liane said. Issey could tell she’d rolled over now – her voice was right next to Issey’s ear.

  ‘Fuck off. God. No. But imagine if I had. Jesus.’

  ‘Did you kiss?’

  ‘No.’ Issey couldn’t breathe. She turned her head to one side. Liane was right there. Head on the pillow next to Issey’s, face just inches away. ‘We didn’t do anything.’

  ‘Well. That’s OK then,’ Liane said.

  ‘Yeah. It’s just, god. I was so embarrassed. What was he thinking?’

  ‘Did he know how old you are?’

  Issey tried to shake her head even though she was lying down and it didn’t work. ‘He said he’d guessed I was older, but he didn’t know. I told him. When he told me. I think he was pleased. Probably going to go and brag to his mates.’

  ‘The playground’ll be buzzin’ at school tomorrow,’ Liane said and grinned.

  ‘Fuck. Off,’ Issey said, but she could feel laughter bubbling up inside. ‘Oh my god.’

  ‘I hope he doesn’t tell his mum,’ Liane said, face serious.

  ‘You’re not funny.’

  ‘I am though,’ Liane said. ‘I’m hilarious.’

  ‘You keep telling me that,’ Issey said.

  ‘Cos it’s true. I’m hilarious. And smart. And hot,’ Liane said.

  Issey’s eyes flickered down to Liane’s lips and she closed her eyes rather than look back at her.

  ‘Want to stay here?’ Liane asked, her voice low.

  ‘No,’ Issey said. ‘I’d better not.’ Not when she was scared to open her eyes and see Liane right there in front of her, her face on the pillow, soft and sleepy.

  ‘You can do,’ Liane said. ‘I don’t mind. Even though you snore.’

  ‘I don’t snore,’ Issey said. ‘And you fart in your sleep, so you’ve no room to talk.’

  ‘That’s it,’ Liane said. ‘Offer rescinded. Get back to your own room.’

  Issey rolled over, opening her eyes only once her back was turned to Liane. ‘I’m going, I’m going.’

  ‘Essay in the morning,’ Liane said.

  ‘Wouldn’t miss it.’

  ‘Sweet dreams about your toyboy,’ Liane said, as Issey opened the door.

  Issey grabbed a cushion from the floor and threw it at the bed.

  Chapter 16

  ‘I love your hair.’

  Ella had been concentrating hard and jerked forward with shock, banging her forehead on the shelf.

  ‘Shitballs,’ she muttered. The book she was reading hit a lower shelf and started to slip out of her hand. She floundered, managed to grab the cover and then wailed ‘Noooooo’ as the cover ripped off in her hand and the rest of the book tumbled to the floor.

  ‘I’m so sorry!’ the boy said.

  Ella didn’t even need to turn round to know it was THE boy.

  ‘I’m buying it,’ Ella said. ‘I mean, I was already going to, but I’m definitely going to now.’

  ‘Is your head OK?’

  Ella became aware of a slow throbbing between her eyebrows. She reached up and touched it tentatively with her fingertips. ‘I think so.’

  ‘Can I see?’ th
e boy said. ‘I’m a first aider.’

  Ella closed her eyes as she turned round. She was mortified.

  ‘It doesn’t look too bad,’ she heard him say. ‘Let me just …’

  She sucked in a breath as she felt his fingers on her cheek and then he turned her head into the light. She could tell because it was bright through her eyelids. ‘It’s probably going to bruise though. It’s already looking a bit blue.’

  ‘Great,’ Ella said. ‘That’s all I need. A bruise on my forehead, of all places.’

  ‘Could be worse,’ the boy said. ‘Can you open your eyes? Cos if the light’s hurting them it could be a sign that –’

  ‘No, no,’ Ella said, opening her eyes.

  His face was very close. His eyes were dark brown in the middle and lighter brown around the edges. His hair looked like the crest of a wave.

  ‘I feel like I need one of those pen lights,’ he said. ‘I could say “pupils fixed and dilated”. Like on Grey’s Anatomy.’

  ‘I think that would mean I was dead. Pupils fixed and dilated, I mean.’

  ‘Shit, really?’ He bit his lip and his cheeks flushed pink. ‘Are you a med student?’

  ‘Microbiology. But I’ve read that somewhere. I think it’s “pupils responsive”, maybe. If you’re not, you know, dead.’

  ‘I’ll remember that,’ he said. He took a step back and stared at her. ‘You don’t feel dizzy or anything, do you? Can I get you a glass of water? Or a cup of tea?’

  ‘No, I’m good, thanks. I’ll just pay for this and then I need to go.’

  ‘You don’t need to pay for that,’ the boy said. ‘It was my fault you dropped it. I startled you.’

  ‘No, I shouldn’t have been reading it here anyway.’

  ‘Oh, everyone does that. Half these books have got bookmarks in. Seriously, if you were really planning to buy it then fine – I’ll do you employee discount – but if you just needed to read that bit, leave it. It’s not a problem.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Ella said. It was a £24 book.

  ‘Positive,’ the boy said.

  ‘I do need to get this one though.’ Ella picked up the book she’d left on one of the chairs, on top of her bag.

  ‘Cool,’ the boy said. ‘I’ll leave you to it then.’

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ Ella said. ‘I’m done. I can just … pay. Now.’