Scars

by Avery Ford

  “There’s nothing you can do to make me stop being friends with him,” Henry said sternly. “I know that the two of you are concerned for my future, and for what my acquaintanceships might do to my future, and that everything you say is coming from a place of love—” even if that love was severely misplaced, “—but I’m my own person, and I’m in charge of my own destiny. You’ve got to understand that.”

  “And you’ve got to understand that we are in charge of our destinies,” Victor said. “What you do directly impacts our reputations, Henry.”

  Henry should have known that this was coming. All his life, his parents had breathed down his neck about his reputation and maintaining the family name. Henry had left Blue Mountain for college to escape treatment like this. There was no reason to believe it wouldn’t start again now that he was back.

  “Then you’ll be glad to know I won’t be staying in Blue Mountain that much longer,” Henry said stiffly. “I have an interview lined up in Ashford, two hours away from here. I won’t be staying much longer if all goes well.”

  “And if it doesn’t go well, you’ll come work for Weston Lumber and cut your ties with disreputable characters,” Victor insisted. Gloria took his arm and smoothed her hand across his skin.

  “Now dear.”

  Henry gritted his teeth. The conversation was over, as far as he was concerned. It felt like his parents would never understand, and that they’d always eschew the values that Henry held dear.

  Henry couldn’t imagine how they would have reacted if he told them he was dating Caleb.

  Not that he was.

  Not that you don’t want to.

  As the conversation came to an awkward standstill, there were footsteps on the stairs. Caleb padded downstairs barefooted, stopping at the bottom step to look at the three of them. Both of Henry’s parents stiffened their shoulders and said nothing as they looked up at Caleb. Caleb looked from them to Henry.

  “Henry?”

  “These are um,” Henry struggled to stay casual after the strong conversation they’d shared. “These are my parents, Victor and Gloria. Mother, father, this is my… roommate… Caleb.”

  Caleb’s lips pressed thin, and he nodded at them. “Nice to meet you.”

  “The pleasure is mutual, I’m sure,” Gloria said. The tension ran high. “Thank you for taking care of our son while he finds himself. Are the two of you getting enough to eat? Do you need money for food?”

  “No, mother,” Henry said stiffly. He hoped Caleb heard from the tone of his voice that he wasn’t interested in engaging in conversation. Normally, his parents were easy to get along with. Their worst offense was that they were distant and boring. But when it came to the people Henry kept in his life and the choices he made to further himself, they were intolerable. As much as Henry loved them, he couldn’t tolerate them. Not now. “Thanks for stopping by but as you can see, Caleb and I are doing fine with the money we have and the situation we’re living in. We appreciate your concern, but we are fine.”

  “I guess there’s no reason for us to continue to bother them, then.” Victor said. He took hold of Gloria’s hand and guided her back to the door. Henry crossed his arms and followed them, making sure they didn’t change their minds and come back. He saw them through the door.

  “Thanks again for stopping in to see us,” Henry said. “And thank you for your concern. We’ll be sure to call you if there is anything we need, but for now we’re fine.”

  Gloria looked over her shoulder and gave Henry a genuinely sad look that broke his heart. Henry knew that in her eyes, he was making a mistake that he’d regret later. Henry wished he could convince her that everything was going to be okay, but her trust in him was rocky, and he knew that she wouldn’t believe he was capable until he proved himself.

  “Goodbye, Henry,” she said. “If there’s anything at all, make sure you call. I’m serious.”

  “I know,” Henry told her gently from the doorway. They headed to their car, and once they were settled, he raised his hand in parting. Caleb stood behind him, looking over his shoulder but not touching him. They watched as Henry’s parents drove away.

  Caleb didn’t say anything as he stepped away from the door and headed back upstairs.

  Henry had no idea how much of the conversation Caleb had heard, but he knew that it was enough to have hurt him. Henry closed the door and frowned, not sure if he should give Caleb his space, or go see him to talk about it.

  The choice was made for him.

  When Henry returned upstairs, the door to Caleb’s bedroom was locked. He hung his head and returned to his own bedroom.

  For a relationship without any strings, he certainly was feeling attached.

  Caleb

  Caleb woke up to a cold, empty bed. He groaned and curled up beneath the blankets, taking a second to warm himself and reflect on everything that had happened the day before. Henry’s parents had come to visit, and it’d ended in disaster. Between the tense conversation and the underlying anger, something had been wrong.

  Then Henry had introduced him as a roommate.

  Caleb knew it was true. There was no relationship between them to speak of. Henry wasn’t his boyfriend, no matter how much Caleb would have liked otherwise. In a few days from now, Henry would be leaving to go to Ashford for an interview, and after that, he’d be most likely be moving there for the job. Caleb didn’t know what kind of a professional background Henry had, but on a personal level, he was a spectacular choice for an employee. Dedicated, hardworking, thoughtful, and diligent, Henry would excel in any position he was given. Caleb exhaled, with a sudden tightness in his chest, knowing that their time together was limited.

  After the time they’d spent getting to know each other’s bodies and learn about each other as people, there was no way Caleb could tolerate long distance. One night spent without Henry and already he felt miserable.

  Maybe it was time to reassess the situation and spend some time apart.

  Caleb slowly sat up and strained his ears to listen to the rest of the house. Last night, Henry had slept in his own room. Caleb’s feelings were bruised, and he felt too vulnerable to let Henry back in. Now, all he wanted was to hold him.

  Caleb didn’t hear the sound of pots and pans in the kitchen, nor the television playing in the living room. Henry wasn’t walking through rooms or in the shower. He strained his ears until he heard him standing not far from the bedroom door, talking. Were his parents back?

  “I’m not sure. I’m really not sure,” Henry said. There was silence, then Henry spoke again. “No, it’s not that.”

  Henry had to be on the phone. Caleb frowned. He wished that Henry wouldn’t talk so close to his bedroom door — it made it impossible not to eavesdrop.

  “It’s just… he has feelings for me.” Henry sounded torn. “I know that he does. We spoke about it before we started… you know… sleeping together.”

  Caleb’s stomach twisted into knots. There was no mistaking that Henry was talking about him, and the reluctance in his voice stung. But he couldn’t stop listening, though, no matter how much it hurt.

  “It was only supposed to be sex. We made it clear before we jumped into bed together that there weren’t going to be any strings. I’m heading out to Ashford soon, and if I get the job then I’ll be moving there for good. He’s got to take care of himself medically. There are tons of medical visits and rehabilitation programs and… it’s a mess.”

  Caleb frowned. Was this what Henry thought of him?

  “It just isn’t possible, and he knows it, but that’s not stopping him. I don’t know what to do anymore. Yesterday, my parents came to check up on me, and he came downstairs while they were here. I introduced him as my roommate and he lost it. I mean, he didn’t yell or make a scene or anything, but he went back upstairs and locked himself in his room and wouldn’t let me in. We’ve been sharing a bed every night since we started sleeping together.”

  The person on the other end of the phone had
to be speaking, because Henry said nothing. Caleb wondered if he was talking to Beth — he wasn’t aware of Henry’s other friends besides Kota, and things were still sore between the three of them.

  “I want it to stop,” Henry said at last. “That’s what I want. I’m tired of it. I can’t keep doing this if he’s going to keep trying to pull me in. It’s too much.”

  Everything said was exactly what Caleb feared. He knew that he was attached, and that he wanted more from Henry. He also knew it was an impossibility. Somehow, though, hearing Henry say it made it that much worse. It was a confirmation of the fact Caleb had been dodging — Henry wasn’t interested in him in the same way he was interested in Henry.

  Caleb knew it would never work between them, but hearing it tore him apart. Living in a fantasy world where Henry would stay with him in the house and that they’d face life head-on together was easy. Confronting the harsh truth of reality was hard. Caleb longed to crawl back into ignorance, but hearing Henry badmouth him to a friend ripped apart the foundations of his dream.

  Caleb wouldn’t try to stop Henry when it was time for him to go. He wouldn’t fight for their future. Caleb had slept with plenty of men prior to his accident that he’d casually cast aside. Henry would be just another face and name.

  “I know, it’s just hard to tell him the truth, you know? I don’t know how I can say it to his face. It’s a really hard conversation, and I don’t know if I’m ready for it.” Henry sighed. “I should probably let you go. He’s going to be up soon and I’m sitting on the top of the stairs near the bedrooms. I don’t want him to hear this. I’m going to go see if he unlocked the door, and if he did then I’ll crawl into bed next to him and try to talk to him when he goes to cuddle me after he wakes up. Wish me luck.”

  The call ended. Caleb heard the creak of the floorboards as Henry stood up, then the sound of his footsteps as he approached the door. The handle turned. The bedroom door opened slowly. Last night, Caleb had woken up to use the bathroom and had left it unlocked upon returning.

  Caleb closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. Henry pushed the door closed and crossed the room silently. The bed shifted and groaned as Henry climbed onto it, then the blankets moved as Henry helped himself to their warmth.

  Caleb remained impossibly still, hoping the rapid throbbing of his heart didn’t give him away. He felt sick to his stomach. Hearing Henry reject him through the phone call stung more than any other emotional pain Caleb had been through. Not even the gossip spread about him through town hurt as much as hearing what Henry really felt.

  Caleb didn’t roll over. He kept his back to Henry, even when Henry smoothed a hand along his side and cuddled up close. The proximity made Caleb feel sicker. Why was Henry being so sweet with him when he was determined to cut Caleb loose? Were the feelings he alluded to the first day they’d gone to bed together already gone?

  Caleb felt like he was starting to fall in love, but Henry was already over them and only interested in sex and other physical pleasures.

  “Are you awake?” Henry whispered. Caleb didn’t reply. In the moments that followed, Henry ran his hand down Caleb’s back again. “I want you to wake up, Caleb. I need to talk to you…”

  Caleb wasn’t ready to do that. He laid still and unresponsive until Henry gave up with a sigh and rolled over. Caleb waited until he felt sure that Henry was drifting off to sleep before he carefully sat up and climbed out of bed. His skin itched all over, like he was fresh out of surgery from the skin graft and he was all out of painkillers.

  “H-Hey,” Henry murmured sleepily from the bed. Caleb tensed. He was sure that Henry was asleep. “Mm, morning. You wanna come back to bed?”

  “No.” Caleb didn’t turn around to look at him.

  “I’d like to have a talk,” Henry said. He still sounded tired and dreamy, and it broke Caleb’s heart to hear him speak so casually when he knew that Henry wanted to talk to him about keeping his distance. “Come back to bed for a second. Cuddle with me.”

  “No, I’m going out.” Caleb pulled open a drawer of his dresser and hurriedly withdrew a pair of sweatpants. He slipped into them, then selected a light cotton long-sleeved shirt and put it on as well. “Going to go out and see if I can jog again. With all the exercise I’ve been getting, I think my lung function is improving. I want to push myself.”

  Henry sat up. Caleb couldn’t see him, but he did hear the bed groan as he moved. All of the bedroom furniture was outdated and ancient. “That’s really ambitious. I’m worried that if you push yourself too hard, you’re not going to have anyone around to help. Let me come with you.”

  “No, I’d really prefer to do this alone. I need some time to think.”

  And some time to get a grip on my emotions.

  Caleb put on socks, then headed for the door. The bed creaked as Henry stood up, and Caleb heard his bare footsteps following him. “Caleb…”

  “Don’t do this.” Caleb didn’t stop walking. He arrived at the stairs and took them. “I’m a capable human being who’s capable of judging what he can and cannot do. If I feel like I’m in trouble, I’ll slow down and stop. I learned about pushing too hard back during the accident. I’m not going to nosedive into danger again.”

  When he reached the front door, he pulled on a pair of the running shoes he had placed on the shoe rack, then unlocked the door. “I’ll be back soon. Maybe you should go back to bed. It seemed to me like you were asleep when I got up.”

  “I was just about asleep,” Henry agreed. “Have a good run, I guess…”

  “Thanks.”

  Caleb pulled open the door and stepped out into the chilly morning air.

  Facing the physical limitations of his body was far more appealing than confronting the truth.

  Henry

  Henry stood and watched Caleb leave through the window, melancholy. It looked like Caleb wasn’t feeling any better after the disaster from yesterday. In fact, he seemed worse. After their lunch at the diner, Henry thought they really had a shot at making things work. Long distance relationships weren’t easy, but there was a spark inside of Caleb — something unique about him — that made Henry want to give one a shot. What was two hours, after all? They could have weekends together.

  That morning he’d called Beth to talk about his feelings and try to work out a plan for going forward. Caleb had made it clear he didn’t want strings because of the complicated situations they were in, but Henry wanted him more with each passing day. He couldn’t keep pretending they had nothing when the thought of spending time with Caleb made him feel light as air and sent shivers of delight down his spine. Caleb was more than good sex and a great roommate. Caleb was the kind of guy Henry thought he might have a future with. The thought of coming home to him after a long day in the office warmed Henry from the inside out.

  Would life be much different than what they had now? Frequent, mind-blowing sex, domestic bliss, and laughter.

  Henry thought he’d never get bored of seeing Caleb laugh or smile. The dour man he’d met at Crossroads had loosened up for him. Henry liked to think it was because Caleb wanted him as more than just a fuck buddy.

  Henry knew that in order for their relationship to go any further, they had to be honest with each other. He’d tried to talk to Caleb about his feelings, just like Beth had encouraged him to do, but Caleb had been closed off and shut him down. Now, all of a sudden, he was going for a run.

  Henry didn’t like it.

  Caleb hadn’t talked about upping his exercise routine, and Henry knew that it was an excuse to get out of the house and away from him. With a sigh, Henry left the window and headed into the kitchen to make breakfast. He was tired because he’d been up all night trying to work himself through his feelings. Going to bed alone hurt, especially knowing that the man he cared a great deal about was in the same building.

  Henry took two slices of bread from their loaf and put them in the toaster. He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. All of a sudden,
the realization hit him hard. No, ‘cared a great deal about’ wasn’t right. The word he was looking for was ‘loved.’ Henry was in love with Caleb and despite their circumstances, it was time he stopped running from it. He didn’t come home looking for love, but somehow fate brought them together.

  He had a feeling that Caleb was in love with him, too.

  Henry waited for the toast to pop, then spread butter on each slice and went to sit with his breakfast in the living room. He kept the television off. From time to time, he glanced out the window expecting Caleb to return, but he never did.

  The morning wore on. Henry grew nervous. Caleb had gone out without a coat. If he was stranded somewhere because of his damaged lungs, he was in trouble. Even though he wore a long-sleeved shirt and his pressure garments beneath that, the cold would sink through his clothes and threaten the thin skin of his wounds. Henry got up and looked out the living room windows, checking up and down the street for any signs of Caleb’s return.

  He saw nothing.

  Caleb had left in a hurry, and Henry wondered if he’d had the presence of mind to take his cell phone. Probably not. Henry headed upstairs to check the bedroom, finding Caleb’s phone left charging on his bedside table. There was no way to get in touch with him or find out if he was all right.

  Henry wanted to go out to find him, to scour the streets until he found wherever Caleb had run off to, but he couldn’t. Not only would it chase Caleb further away, but Henry had to leave. His interview at Symestic Enterprises was later that afternoon, and he needed to make it to Ashford well before it started.

  Henry headed into his room and opened the closet. The only piece of clothing inside was his new suit, hanging pristine. Piece by piece, Henry dressed himself. He took more time than he needed to, hoping that Caleb might come through the front door if only he waited long enough.