Jack really didn’t want her to be mad or hurt or unhappy—about any of this mess between them.
Even though he was feeling all three.
But now he knew he couldn’t ask her to go with him, not when she was pregnant and vulnerable—that was a given. And now he knew she wouldn’t accept even if she wasn’t. According to her, they weren’t compatible. It really was just a fling. She didn’t want him for anything other than that and she never had.
That day on the beach when he’d been so careful to tell her he was going away? She laughed—it hadn’t bothered her in the least.
When he’d turned up on her doorstep? She’d been cool.
When he’d offered her help? She’d refused.
The only thing they did agree on was the heat between them. But for the first time in his life he realised he didn’t have any foundation to spring from. Now he knew there was just this void—so he had to keep moving or he’d come crashing down.
Now he knew he did want some solid stability. But it wasn’t to be—not with Kelsi. Hell, maybe it was fate paying him back for all those years ‘playing’.
Jack had never known rejection before. It hurt.
But it reinforced the rightness of his decision. He’d go. He’d work. He’d forget. And when he got back it would all be better—right? He just hoped he could live with it.
He held out the business card as if it were a last challenge.
She took it, quickly skimming the words printed on it.
An obstetric specialist. Kelsi recognised the name—the surgeon was based at the premier private women’s health clinic in the city.
‘You’ll go? It’s all paid for in advance.’ He actually went paler. ‘But I’ll be back well before…um…it arrives.’
Kelsi tried not to show her surprise at his steamroller approach to deciding on her care. He was so insistent about this. But she didn’t want to fight. Saying goodbye was tough enough.
‘I’ll go.’ She took a step away. ‘But I really should get going to work. I don’t want to be late.’
‘You’re walking again.’
‘Sure. You were right, it is better. I beat all the banked-up traffic.’ Trifling talk was so much easier than dealing with all that was unsaid.
And his answering grin was small, but it was there.
‘So, I’ll see you in a bit.’ Her throat had gone all tight. She turned so she wouldn’t have to look at him. So he wouldn’t see the waterfalls building in her eyes.
‘Right,’ he said. ‘Soon.’
She walked to the top of the staircase. ‘You go get your trick, Jack. Get the gold.’ Kelsi really, really wanted that for him. She wanted him to be happy.
He didn’t move from his doorway and she was halfway down before he suddenly spoke. ‘Kelsi, you can call me if you need me, OK?’
She nodded but didn’t turn back. Too busy concentrating on the stairs and on holding back the tears.
She strode fast, out past the over-the-top fencing and along the road that took her to the heart of the city. She ran her thumb across the edge of the obstetric’s card. She’d have to diary the appointment in her computer or she’d forget.
A few minutes into the walk—well out of sight of the house—she stopped mid-path to put the card in her purse. She stared at it, her brain ticking. His insistence bothered her. Why was he so concerned for her health? Why had he always made such an effort to cook her all those decent meals. Why did he want her to have a team of specialists for what should be a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy? What had he seen that made him so nervous? Hadn’t his mother ever—?
Her thoughts seized.
His mother.
She sat down at the bus stop a little along from where she’d stopped. She pulled out her iPhone and pulled up the internet for a search. But this time she read the Wikipedia profile instead of being sidetracked by the YouTube clips of all his tricks. This time she hunted through for the bit about his background. Born in China—in a remote mountain village where his father was prepping for an expedition. There it was—just a single line detailing his early arrival, and his mother’s death only hours later.
No wonder he was anxious about prenatal care. His mother had died giving birth to him.
Kelsi put her phone in her bag and stood up. Her legs wobbling as she digested that tragedy. Poor Jack. And poor Jack’s dad—no wonder he’d put his own adventures on hold. No wonder things were so complicated. And why was it only now that she realised just how much she loved him? She wanted to make it all so much better—to support him however he needed. When she had so much to give, why didn’t he want it?
Hardly watching where she was going, she walked, her breathing a little difficult. She definitely should walk more often if she was this unfit. But now the edges of her vision were darkening. Had something gone wrong with her contacts? She shook her head and blinked several times to clear it. Distantly, the thought registered that she wasn’t wearing contacts today. But the blackness was all-encroaching now.
And all of a sudden the world went woosh.
‘Kelsi? Kelsi?’
Kelsi frowned. Who was calling her?
‘Kelsi, are you OK?’
‘Alice?’ What was the interior decorator doing here? What was Kelsi doing here—flat out on the footpath?
‘I think you fainted. Have you hit your head?’
She struggled to sit up. Her stomach rocked as if she was on a catamaran in a storm round Cape Horn. ‘Wow,’ she said, desperately trying to recover some dignity. ‘That was embarrassing.’
‘I was driving to the house and saw you keel over. Good thing the traffic was moving so slow or I might have missed you.’
‘Yeah.’ Kelsi squinted as she tried to force her vision to focus. Her brain felt scrambled.
‘You want me to call Jack?’ Alice bobbed down, patting Kelsi’s shoulder.
‘No, don’t,’ Kelsi said quickly—her mind jerking back to its last-remembered realisation. ‘No. Please don’t bother him. This is just nothing.’
If he heard about this, he might freak out. He might postpone going. And as much as she really wanted that, she knew it wasn’t right. She didn’t want him to stay here because of fears—she didn’t want him to be trapped. That would be worse than anything.
Alice frowned. ‘You really don’t look so good, Kelsi. You’re very pale.’
‘I’m always pale.’ Kelsi stretched her lips into something like a smile. ‘Look, I’ll go into that café just there. I forgot to have breakfast, that’s all. I’m fine. Really, I am.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Oh, yes.’ Forcing animation into her answer, she then went for distraction. ‘I had such a great time looking over your ideas folder for the house. You’ve got some great things in there. I was so pleased you picked up on some of the old features.’
Alice’s expression lightened. Kelsi smiled harder and talked for another few minutes about the project, carefully getting to her feet and trying to hide how huge the effort was.
Alice walked with her to the door of the café but then glanced at her watch. ‘I’d better get going. Are you sure you’re all right now?’
‘Absolutely.’ She couldn’t let her go without a final plea. ‘Don’t mention it to him, will you? It’s so embarrassing and he’ll worry unnecessarily. You know how men sometimes do…’ Kelsi trailed off and smiled in the hope Alice would enter into the sisterhood-sticks-together spirit.
‘Sure.’ Alice finally smiled back. ‘I’ll be in touch with you next week and we can arrange a trip to look at some fabric swatches, OK?’
‘That’d be great.’
Kelsi went to the counter and ordered hot chocolate and hot toast. As she made herself eat, she hoped that Alice would keep her word. Jack had to get on that plane. Nothing could stand in his way.
Jack aimlessly wandered about the big bare space downstairs. He’d ordered a taxi to get him to the airport but as it was a domestic flight first he didn’t have to be there
hours in advance. And he didn’t have much baggage to check through because his snowboard gear was in Canada already.
He ran his hand along the pared-back walls. When he got back, most of the work would be done and the house would look completely different. Whole again, not broken up into pieces that were too small. He couldn’t wait to see what Kelsi did with it—to lie on a sofa and stare at whatever collection of disparate objects she’d put together. She’d make it a really nice home.
Her home, he reminded himself. Not his.
He turned his back on the room, jogging upstairs to grab his bag—suddenly needing to grip on to his future. He buzzed the taxi company and got them to pick him up immediately—leaving the signed forms for Alice to collect when she got in. He didn’t really need to see her, Kelsi would give her all the instructions.
At the airport he picked up a coffee and a paper and paced around the boarding lounge, telling himself everything had worked out for the best. It was good they’d scaled back to a manageable level of friendship. All very sensible.
At last his flight was called. And all of a sudden he felt more physically incapacitated than when his knee had crunched out the wrong way.
He couldn’t move. Didn’t want to. His whole body ached as if he had some virulent flu. And then it went hard because all he could think of was Kelsi, Kelsi, Kelsi.
Mortified at his sudden regression into out of control teen boy, he forced his feet to get him onto the plane. She didn’t want him. It was just sex. That was all he was walking away from and he’d get back in the game with someone else sometime.
Now his stomach felt sick.
Cold sweat slithered over his body. He was being so stupid. They’d sorted an arrangement that would work for the baby. Kelsi had a home that would soon be wonderful, she was as safe and secure as he could make her. Everything was as good as it could possibly be. He was free to go back to the snow and not have to worry. So why did he feel so rotten?
He squashed himself into his seat. He’d feel better once he got there. He closed his eyes and visualised the mountain. Imagined a helicopter ride up to the top and looking down on the perfect virgin powder ready for him to shred.
He opened his eyes again and sighed. The thrill would come back. He just had to get where the challenge was.
His gut twinged painfully. There was a challenge here, too. A challenge he was walking away from. Not that little baby. But the beautiful mother—the beyond-all-boundaries trick who put pepper in his pulse.
His ride with Kelsi most definitely had not been easy—but wicked for sure. And when had he ever walked away from a challenge that posed such risk?
Since when was he such a chicken?
He closed his eyes again to picture a slope. But instead, Kelsi’s teasing smile danced in front of him. Excitement surged. He gripped the armrests as he realised the thrill wasn’t just physical—it was total, mind and soul.
The elderly woman seated beside him gave him a cold look.
He couldn’t bring himself to care because his heart had suddenly grown too big for his chest and it was pounding too hard.
He was walking away from the biggest challenge of his life. He, who thought nothing of putting himself in physical danger, had been too scared to put his heart on the line. To tell her the truth. He needed to tell her about his mother, and about how he felt and what he wanted from her—as in everything. He couldn’t hide it any more, not from himself or from her. He had to be honest. That was all that mattered now.
His body ached all the more as he thought about baring himself so brutally. Would she respond in kind? Did she ever?
No. He almost laughed—but it hurt too much.
Kelsi covered up all the time—literally and emotionally. It was her specialty. He bent his head, inwardly groaning at his blindness. He already knew she’d lied—like when she’d said she hadn’t had morning sickness but he’d heard her. She’d been all defensive pride. She was terrified of getting too close, because she was even more terrified of rejection.
He tensed up as he thought of that. So had those devastating words been lies, too? When she’d said his leaving didn’t bother her? Had she been rejecting him before he could reject her? Like some warped method of self-defence?
He winced—both hopeful and devastated. She’d been hurt and he’d been hurt and they’d both been blind to each other.
Yet so much of what she’d said had been true—maybe he was selfish, and, yes, until now he’d never wanted to settle. The thought of being stuck in one place still made his blood bubble. But the security he sought now wasn’t of place, but of heart.
She was his home. She was the foundation that had been missing for ever.
He’d meant it when he’d said he had a lot to offer their child. And he had so much to offer her, too: his loyalty, his life, his love—and that was just for starters. And he wanted them both to be proud of him. The satisfaction would last for ever if he brought it home to share with the ones he loved. It would make everything worthwhile. And he wanted to support them in the same way—as they realised hopes and dreams and dealt with disappointments.
Way too late he realised he wanted it all with them. With her.
The bad feeling was worsening now. Had he suddenly got claustrophobic? Because he was finding it hard to breathe in this too-tiny cabin. His heart rate skipped faster. He straightened out his aching knee—having to twist on an angle to do it. The action earned him another frown from the woman seated next to him. He hated the fact the airline had cut first class from the domestic routes. He needed the space to stretch out today. Or to fidget.
Actually maybe it would be better if he just got off the plane. He really wasn’t feeling so good. But the light went on above his head and the little bell chimed. He obeyed the instruction and fastened his seat belt. It was too late now. It was time for take-off.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
KELSI sat at work ’til late because she wanted to delay going back to the big, empty house. But eventually she had to move—she didn’t want it to get dark before she walked home. The late summer sun still warmed the path but she felt cold and alone. She put her hand in her pocket and toyed with her phone. She had to talk to someone. And there really was only the one person who could come close to understanding.
She was silly for being so afraid to tell her. Now she realised there was nothing to be ashamed of—she loved the father of her baby, she wanted her baby and loved it already, too. Their situation might not ever be perfect, but nothing ever was, right? It could all be OK. She was proud of Jack, would welcome him into her child’s life whenever he was back. But she had to let him go—that was what loving him meant. And he was worthy of her love.
And her baby deserved all her pride.
So she finally phoned her mother.
A few tears, some laughter. A lot of understanding—and excitement, too. They talked almost her entire walk home. Relieved and emotional and alternately happy and despairing, Kelsi agreed to go and visit her mum soon.
As she turned down her street she put her phone away. Her pace slowed as she saw movement behind the fencing—up by the house. Had one of the builders stayed later to clean up something? The padlock on the chain was open, the gate ajar—waiting for her return.
He was sweeping dust from the deck. Tall and fit and undeniably Jack.
Her heart squeezed with joy. And then disappointment smashed it.
‘Alice told you.’ She was so happy to see him again but he wasn’t here for any of the right reasons. It hurt even more. ‘Jack, you need to go.’
She needed him to go now. Before she threw herself at him. His leaving was the worst thing that could happen to her but she had to let him go. He wasn’t capable of living the kind of life she needed. He didn’t want the same things from her as she wanted from him. She’d been right, they weren’t compatible in any of the things that mattered. But she loved him and he needed to be free.
He carefully leaned the broom against the wall. ‘I
’m not going.’
She carefully climbed the steps, forcing herself to keep her emotions in check. ‘But you love shredding the mountains. It’s your life.’
‘Life changes.’ He shrugged. ‘So do priorities.’
Damn it, she didn’t want fear to stop him from achieving. ‘But—’
‘I can’t win with you, can I?’ He suddenly blew up. ‘God, I actually thought you might be pleased to see me. But no matter what I do—the compromises I try to make—it’s never right for you. I’m not right.’ He took a step towards her, tension rolling off him. ‘What do I have to do for you? What do I have to do for you to want me?’
Desperately she held back her heart. ‘I don’t want you to be someone you’re not.’
‘But you can’t be with the person I am. I have no choice but to change, Kelsi. I’ll do whatever I have to do, to be with you.’
‘Look, I’m fine, Jack,’ Kelsi said, knowing she couldn’t believe what he was saying, knowing this was simply concern. ‘The baby is fine. I don’t know what Alice told you but—’
‘I haven’t talked to Alice,’ he interrupted roughly. ‘Whatever she wants can wait.’
Kelsi frowned. ‘But this is about the baby—’
‘You still don’t trust me, do you?’ he roared. ‘How the hell do I get you to trust me?’ Furious, he stalked over to her, yelling in her face. ‘This isn’t about the baby. This is about you. And me. And my inability to leave you.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t want to go without you, OK? I don’t want to leave you.’
‘But—’
‘Kelsi, I want to be with you more than I want anything in my life. More than anything. So I’m staying.’ He grabbed her shoulders with hard fingers. ‘I can’t have you come with me because I cannot cope with the idea of you being on the road while pregnant. That’s just not something I can handle. My mum died having me, Kelsi. They were halfway up a mountain and I came early and she haemorrhaged and there wasn’t the care she needed. So I need to know you’re in a city and near a hospital and safe. And, as irrational as that may be, you’re just going to have to let me away with it because that’s one thing I just can’t get past, so don’t expect me to. I can’t take you any place remote and vulnerable. It’s just not going to happen, OK?’
Walk on the Wild Side Page 15
