My Forever (The Next Door Boys)

by Jolene B Perry

  I’m still staring.

  Lucas shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the ground as Jackie walks away.

  “So what are you doing here?” I ask. It seems safer than slapping him.

  “Why don’t we grab a coffee or something?” He looks like he wants to talk.

  “I don’t drink coffee.”

  He sighs. “Look, Dani. I know I didn’t handle things in the best way, but I’m here now.”

  “You’re way too late Lucas. Like a year.” I fold my arms, but my body’s starting to shake. Not from the cold, just, I guess with being faced with him again.

  “So is it true…?” He looks sideways at me as we start to walk up the street.

  “What?”

  “You’re a Mormon girl now?”

  I nod.

  “And the baby—”

  “Eliza,” I snap. “Yes. She’s being raised by a Mormon family.”

  “Wow.” He shakes his head. “Crazy how things change.”

  I’m not exactly sure what he means so I’m quiet.

  “So, you wanted to know what I’m doing here.”

  I walk with him and wait for him to continue. As much as I’m mad at him, he’s someone from my past. Someone who knows me, and someone who has known me. He looks at me for a little too long.

  “You’ve always been pretty , Dani , but as you’ve grown up, you’re more and more beautiful.”

  I’m not sure how to respond. I find myself watching my feet as my cheeks heat up. The conflicting emotions surrounding Lucas are already exhausting me.

  “And still really sweet,” he adds. “Oh, why I’m here. I’m working on my master’s in Spokane.”

  “Wow.” I’m impressed. Master’s degree.

  “I wanted to see you. You are a very hard girl to track down. First I found Daniel. He’d just gotten a letter from your grandparents who said you’d been there, so I contacted them and they reluctantly gave me your address here.”

  Daniel. Family.

  “You have a way to get in touch with Daniel?” He feels a million miles away. I think he’d talk to me. I’m doing my best to blink back tears at the thought of being able to talk to him again—to being in any kind of contact.

  “You okay?” Lucas leans forward to look at me.

  It all hits me in a rush. “No! I’m not okay. I miss my family . T hey won’t talk to me and I want to talk to them and…”

  “Hey, hey.” He puts his arm around me, squeezing me close.

  I can’t believe how emotional I am. Seeing Lucas has brought so much back to the surface.

  “I have his address. I’ll make sure you get it.”

  “Thanks.” I step away until his arm drops, and take a few deep breaths. “Well, you found me. What do you want?”

  “I want to apologize. I shouldn’t have let you dismiss me the way you did. I should have stuck around no matter what. I was just scared, and I didn’t deal with it well.”

  “No. You didn’t.” I can’t believe how much strong I feel already.

  He stops and swallows, looking very…contrite. “And I’d like to see our baby.”

  “She’s not our baby.” Lucas doesn’t understand any of this. “She’s Brian and Leigh’s baby.”

  “She?” He smiles. “Your grandma wouldn’t say.”

  “Eliza Claire Wright.” I love her name. “She’s beautiful.”

  “So, you see her sometimes?” He looks hopeful.

  “Yep. I spent Christmas with her family.”

  “Wow.” He looks confused then. “Isn’t that awkward?”

  “It’s always hard to leave,” I admit. “I haven’t figured out how to leave their house without crying.”

  He puts his arm around me, and pulls me into him as we start walking again. I think we’ve passed three coffee places at this point but neither of us notices.

  “And they’re obviously Mormon, too.”

  “Yes.”

  “And so is your boyfriend.”

  “What?” I stop.

  “Your brother said you moved here with Michael Mason.”

  “No…well, yes , but it’s...” I shake my head. “He’s on his mission right now anyway.” And wants me to follow the rules. Ha! I know it’s childish , but I wish he could see me now, under Lucas’ arm. This is me, following the rules. I’m a snot, but don’t care.

  “Really?” Lucas’ arms tightens.

  “Yes, really.”

  “Oh! Here we are, this is a Dani place to shop.”

  I look up at a skate shop and vintage T-shirt store. It wouldn’t hurt to have a few vintage favs and a hoodie. I miss my hoodies.

  ~ ~ ~

  I end up with seven T-shirts. I’m a small and get everything on sale. I also buy a new pair of chucks. I change in the store. I feel good. It’s a happy mix for me. My designer jeans, an old asteroid T-shirt, my new chucks and my little jacket and scarf. Lucas smiles.

  “This is nice.” He takes my hand as we leave the store, but I shrug him off. I’ve already learned that Lucas is dangerous for me. I’m not about to make that mistake again. But I’m so happy to see him here. So happy he tracked me down. So happy to see someone from my old life.

  “I have somewhere I want to take you, if you think you can keep up.” I smile. I’ve passed by this game place a ton of times since moving here and have never gone in. Now is my chance.

  Lucas and I spend hours. Their selection of the original arcade games is awesome. When we leave I feel more like myself than I have in a long time.

  “How have you not been in there before?” he asks. “I’d pop in every day for a few minutes at least.”

  I laugh a little. It was fun but not that fun. I’ve moved on.

  “Where are you staying?” I ask as we walk back to Jackie’s house.

  “I’m just passing through on my way to school.”

  “So, did you plan on sleeping in your car while you’re here?”

  He laughs. “I’m not sure. I didn’t know if I’d be able to find you. I start school in a few days and I want to see…um…Eliza before I go.”

  “Well, you can crash at my place for tonight if you want.”

  “How will your roommate feel about that?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know.” She’ll probably hate it.

  “Well, don’t forget what happened last time we spent a night together…” He grins.

  “Well, I won’t make that mistake again.” I think about what that one act has done to my life.

  “Was it that bad?” He’s trying to tease.

  I’m not at all ready to tease about this. “Lucas, you didn’t have to be pregnant for nine months. You weren’t kicked out of your family’s house. You didn’t just have to move and spend Christmas with people you barely know. You didn’t sit in the hospital holding a baby you’d carried knowing it wasn’t yours to keep.” My pace quickens as we walk toward my house.

  “Dani, I’m sorry… I was just teasing. Wait up!”

  I stop when he catches my arm.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. It will be my big mistake. It will always be the thing I could have done better.” He looks sorry, more than sorry. He hugs me again, and I let myself lean into him. I can’t help but wonder how things would have been different if I’d said yes to him, or if he realized at all what we were in for if I had said yes. I pull back just slightly and look up at him. He tips his head down and kisses me. His lips are so soft and so warm and so full of Lucas that I don’t think, just kiss him back.

  Wait.

  “No. No.” I push him back. “This is not going to happen.” I gesture between us.

  His thumb brushes my cheek before dropping to his side.

  I’m not sure if this is him giving up, or him pushing forward, but I’m stepping away.

  ~ ~ ~

  Lucas sleeps on the couch. Jackie, as predicted, is not happy.

  I call Leigh the next morning and Brian answers.

  “Hey, it’s Dani.”
/>   “Hey, Dani. How are things?” I love his warm, friendly voice.

  “I have a favor.” I’m suddenly not even sure how to ask. “The…um…dad is in town and wants to visit. We could meet you somewhere or you can come here. Whatever is most comfortable for you.”

  Brian is quiet for a moment. I wonder if he’s nervous or worried or just doesn’t want to do it.

  “You two are welcome to come this way . Leigh and I are home all day or we’ll meet you somewhere. It’s up to you.”

  I think about how I really should get Lucas out of Jackie’s house.

  “We’ll be there in an hour?” I ask. “Is that okay?”

  “That’s fine,” Brian says carefully. “Are you okay?” He’s worried about me. This is what the hesitation is about.

  “Yeah.” I glance at Lucas. “We’ve been catching up.”

  Lucas touches the ends of my hair, and doesn’t take his eyes off mine. Guess he’s not giving up.

  “We’ll see you soon, Brian.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Lucas wants to take his car , but I have the routine down and want to take the bus. He finally agrees and joins me on the bus. I’m sitting and he’s standing.

  “You’re on this thing all the time?” He looks around at the cramped bus.

  “A lot,” I say. “Its how I get to work, and soon it’ll be how I get to school.”

  When the bus stops, the seat next to him opens up, and he takes it, pulling me onto his lap.

  “I can stand.” I sigh as he puts his arms around my waist.

  “You can also sit.” He winks.

  I don’t want Lucas, but I do miss being close to someone. My eyes catch with the guy I saw on the bus a while ago, the one with the bright blue eyes. The guy with the soft voice who was worried about me. I watch him for a moment, and then it’s embarrassing since I was just sitting on Lucas’ lap.

  My nerves start in as we get off the bus and head up the street. Lucas takes my hand. I don’t know if I want it right now or not, so I hold on for a moment and then cross my arms over my chest, and don’t look his way. I don’t want to know if I’ve hurt his feelings. I might like it, or I might feel really bad—neither is a good option. I knock on the door, and Leigh opens it up immediately giving me a hug.

  “You must be Lucas. Dani’s told us a lot about you.” I can tell Leigh is anxious , but I’d be surprised if he picks up on it. We step in and take off our shoes. I know Nathan’s at school and Brian is often really busy during the day.

  “It’s nice to meet you.” Lucas shakes her hand.

  We come into the living room and Brian walks in. Brian looks intimidating if you don’t know him. I watch Lucas’ reaction. They shake hands, and I realize that Lucas is only very slightly shorter than Brian. Brian is just broad.

  “Wow, this is her.” Lucas looks at baby Eliza happily swinging in her swing, chewing on a baby toy. “She looks just like you Dani. She’s beautiful.” Lucas looks up at me and then back to Eliza. He kneels in front of her, less shy around her than I used to be. Part of me is jealous at the easy way he just walks in here.

  “You’re welcome to hold her,” Brian says. “Dani’s family.”

  Lucas reaches out and stops the swing, pulling Eliza out and grinning. She flashes him her new smile right back.

  “Wow.” He looks around at everyone. “Does this ever get old?”

  “Never,” Leigh replies. She doesn’t even have to think about it.

  “So, this is a little weird, huh?” Lucas says. “New parents, birth parents…”

  “No, no, it’s good.” Leigh is just so happy. If Eliza brought ten people with her, Leigh would love each of them.

  “So Dani, Jackie tells me you’re officially the piano player in church now.” Leigh gives me a smile.

  “Oh, she used to do that in her father’s church . W e went there together,” Lucas says. “That’s where we met.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know that,” Leigh answers.

  “This is your first calling right?” Brian asks me.

  “Yeah.” It felt so good to be asked to do something.

  “I also wanted to show you...” Brian turns his computer toward me. He landed the huge job of the website for the Seattle Tourism bureau. Two of my photos are on the front page.

  I can’t contain my excitement. “Wow! Brian! I can’t believe you used mine!”

  “Your what?” Lucas asks.

  “My photos.” I point to the page. One of my pictures is the background for the whole thing. I love it. It means more money for me too. Brian pays me a small amount to put my photos in to the test site, and once the site is approved, I get a larger chunk. It works for both of us. We’re still in discussion over what’s fair for LoriLee. I want to do those for free, even though it was a lot of work.

  “Cool Dani.” Lucas looks relaxed. He’s holding Eliza and smiling and chatting like we get together and do this all the time.

  I’m jealous again for how easy this seems to him.

  We need to get going because I don’t want to take any more of Brian and Leigh’s time. I take Eliza from Lucas to give her a snuggle before I leave. I always breathe in her sweet baby smell. Now she laughs when I do it. I love that even more. I slide on my shoes and head out the door, just needing to get to the bus stop.

  Brian and Leigh are used to the abrupt way I leave their house.

  “Wait up!” Lucas calls from behind me.

  “I just need to get a little further,” I try to explain. I’m happy our visit went as well as it did, but it still overwhelms me. I have tears on my cheeks as I hit the button for pedestrians over and over, trying to get across the road.

  “What’s up Dani?” He touches my shoulder. I shrug him off. I just need a few more steps on my own. My light finally changes, and the cars stop. As soon as I get to the other side of the street I take a deep breath.

  “Dani?” He puts his hands on my shoulders so we’re facing one another.

  I’m finally in a spot where I can breathe and I feel good again.

  “Are you okay?”

  “This is my safe spot.” I’m still out of breath. “I know that I’ll be okay when I make it this far.”

  He looks confused. “Why did you give her up then , Dani? If it’s like this, why didn’t you say yes to me and why didn’t we keep her?”

  I close my eyes. He doesn’t get it. “She’s not mine and its okay. Its just overwhelming being there with all of them. That’s all.” My feelings are hurt , but I try not to show it.

  “You’re different ,” h e says.

  “So are you ,” I say back. And now I know why it was so easy for Lucas to see her. He doesn’t recognize the feeling around those people that I do. With Brian, Leigh and Eliza.

  We stand close to one another, and Lucas backs up a step. It’s not that he’s given up now, it’s that he sees that Lucas and I aren’t the right thing. Even though I didn’t want him, I feel heavy.

  We ride the bus in silence. I stand next to Lucas’ car as he throws in his bag from last night.

  “We’re just not…” I start to say.

  “Yeah,” Lucas says. “We’re just not. But I’m glad we’re friends. And I’m glad we have a connection.”

  “Me too.” We hug. Maybe things between us will be okay.

  I sit down that night and write to Daniel. I tell him everything. I tell him about Michael’s family and how good they are to me. I tell him about Eliza and her parents. I tell him about where I live. I know he’ll love the idea of living on the water.

  Jackie has been so unexpected and amazing that I talk about her a lot, too. He always loved Pike Market when we were kids on our few trips to the city so I tell him about my job and the smell of the peaches. I thank him for helping Lucas to find me, and I beg him to forward my information on to our parents. He’ll understand that I can’t take another direct rejection from them.

  Even if I don’t hear back from him it feels good to write it all down, to tell someone everything
. I miss my brother.

  24

  Being in school puts time in fast-forward. Before I have time to take a breath its spring break. I ask for extra hours at the fruit stand. Michael and I write but it feels like business. Its hard coming up with things to say when we’re not allowed to plan ahead and not allowed to be too personal. I miss the closeness we had when he was here. I want something from Daniel, but I don’t expect it and try not to hope for it.