Biker's Virgin

by Claire Adams

  “We know better now,” I said. “We’ll be more aware of it in the future. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”

  Cole shook his head. “No, it won’t.”

  “The important thing is that everything turned out okay.”

  I looked at Cole to see his reaction, but his expression didn’t change; he kept his eyes on the road, and I finally pulled my hand away. We were quiet for the rest of the drive back. When we got into our neighborhood, he stopped in front of my house. “I’m just going to let you off here,” he said. “That way I can try to get Declan into the house without waking him up.”

  “Okay,” I said, even though it wasn’t even 7 o’clock yet.

  “He’s had a really busy day,” Cole said.

  I unbuckled my seat belt. “He has. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept until tomorrow morning. Well... okay. Goodnight, Cole. I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did, but I’m glad they were all right in the end.”

  I leaned forward a little, thinking that he would at least give me a kiss goodnight. He stayed where he was, though, for several seconds, until he finally leaned forward to give me a quick peck on the lips.

  “Goodnight,” he said.

  I got out of the car feeling very disconcerted, though I tried telling myself that I was just imagining it, that there was nothing wrong. That Cole was just shaken up about earlier and he’d be fine later on.

  We hadn’t eaten dinner there, so I rummaged through the fridge and made a salad with some leftover cold chicken from the night before. I ate that and then tried to watch TV for a little bit, though there was nothing that good on. It was getting later, though, and I decided I would take a shower and go to bed. I was on my way to the bathroom when there was a knock at the door.

  I felt a smile go across my face when I saw that it was Cole. I knew that I’d been silly to be worried earlier, that all he needed was a little time to process what had happened and realize that everything had turned out fine.

  But when I opened the door, he was not smiling.

  “Everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” he said. Then he shook his head. “No, it’s not. And listen, I can’t stay long since Declan’s in bed. I probably shouldn’t even be over here right now, considering all that’s happened.”

  “Do you want me to come over there?”

  “No,” he said. “I don’t think so. I... I’ve been giving everything a lot of thought. And I just... I can’t do this anymore, Allie, I’m sorry.”

  My heart stopped beating for a second, and it felt as though my whole body froze for a moment, like blood wasn’t even circulating. “Wh... what?” I said. “What do you mean?”

  “I have been so caught up with you. I’ve been distracted because I’ve been thinking about you, I haven’t been able to focus—I’m not saying this is your fault, because it’s not. But something seriously bad could have happened to Declan, and if it had, I never would be able to forgive myself. And it was all because I wasn’t paying close enough attention to him because I was focused on you.”

  “Cole, it was an accident. You weren’t purposefully being negligent. I think you’re blowing this way out proportion.”

  He rubbed his eyes. “Do you remember that day when we rode bikes to the playground? And we were sitting there on the bench and you were asking me if something was wrong?”

  “Yes,” I said.

  “And do you remember how you told me that I never had to be afraid to tell you the truth, that you wouldn’t lose your shit?”

  I nodded slowly, knowing what was coming, but not willing to let myself believe he was actually going to say it. No, I thought, no no no no. Like if I said it enough times it wouldn’t actually happen.

  “We can’t see each other anymore,” Cole said softly, and he blinked a few times, and I realized he was trying to blink back tears. “But I want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? You’re a wonderful person. And I mean that. I just keep thinking about what could have happened if the wrong people had found Declan, how I would never be able to forgive myself. I mean, I already can’t forgive myself for this happening in the first place—”

  “But he’s okay,” I said. “Nothing bad happened.”

  “But it could have. And if it did, I would’ve had to live with myself for the rest of my life, knowing that because I was distracted, he was able to wander off.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him that it happened, that sometimes parents weren’t always able to keep track of their kids 100 percent of the time, but I knew he was right—I knew that if I hadn’t been there, the chances of that happening with Declan would probably have been zero.

  Cole wiped at his eyes. It felt, in a way, as though something inside of me was breaking, and my own throat felt tight, constricted, but it was like seeing him cry made my own tears dry up. Oh, there’d be plenty of crying later, once I was alone—I knew that—but I wasn’t going to cry now in front of him. Yes, I had told him on more than one occasion that he could be completely open and honest with me, but there was no way I was going to let him see how devastated I felt over this.

  He was looking at me. “Say something,” he said.

  “I’m not sure what I can say to that,” I replied slowly. Thankfully, my voice didn’t quiver. “You’ve clearly made up your mind about it, and I’m not going to try to change it. If that’s how you feel, then that’s how you feel. I appreciate you being honest with me.”

  He held my gaze for several moments, like he was waiting for me to break down, confess that I was in love with him—hadn’t we just said that, only a few short days ago?—and that he couldn’t do this to me. And yes, there was a part of me that wanted to do that, but I wasn’t going to.

  I felt numb after he left, but that numbness only lasted for a few minutes until the tears started. I couldn’t hold them back any longer, and I sat on the couch and clutched a pillow and cried in a way I hadn’t cried in a long, long time. It didn’t feel particularly good or cathartic. I didn’t stop crying and feel as though a dark cloud had been lifted. I stopped crying when my body seemed to have run out of tears, and then I just felt... hollow. Almost as though a limb had been cut off, like I was missing a very important part of myself. Yet I was also overwhelmed by how powerless I felt, how there seemed nothing I could do to remedy the situation, nothing I could do to change his mind.

  Was I supposed to move? There was no way I’d be able to continue living next to him, knowing that he was right there, hearing him out in the backyard with Declan. Living next door to each other had once seemed like such a blessing, but now it felt like a curse; it felt like a trap that I had unwittingly fallen into and now had no way to get out of.

  I didn’t know what to do.

  I called my mother.

  “Oh, Allie,” she said, when I’d finally managed to get the whole story out. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I can hear in your voice how hurt you are by this whole thing. Should I come up there?”

  “No, you don’t have to do that,” I said. I didn’t particularly want to be alone right then, but I also didn’t want her staying over here and possibly going over to Cole’s to give him a piece of her mind or something. “But maybe... do you think I could come down there?”

  “Of course,” she said, though she sounded a little surprised. We both were; I hadn’t planned on asking that, but suddenly, getting away from here seemed more important than never seeing Bill again. Bill seemed like a tiny, microscopic problem to me now. “Come down whenever you want; stay as long as you need to. Bill is down in New York for the next five days, so I’ve got the whole place to myself. I was just starting to feel a little lonely, in fact.”

  “I’ll drive down tomorrow morning,” I said. “I’ll text you when I’m on the road.”

  I thought a long drive would do me some good, give me something to concentrate on, especially if I blasted some music really loud. But I just couldn’t shake that feeling of there being nothing I
could do, except move on, which seemed impossible. I knew that I wasn’t the first person to go through a breakup, and maybe if I’d actually dated some people before this, I’d have some practice with it under my belt, but it felt like there was no way I was ever going to feel okay again. As I drove, the highway in front of me would sometimes blur, but I blinked furiously, keeping the tears from falling. I didn’t want to cry about this anymore; it seemed pathetic, but every time I thought about not being able to see Cole again, this immense sadness seemed to overwhelm me.

  I got into my car. The window was partially down, and I could hear Declan calling my name from his side yard. I pretended I didn’t hear him, though, as I backed down the driveway, and I still pretended I wasn’t able to hear him as he approached, waving, a smile on his face. I kept my gaze fixed firmly on the road in front of me, though I was aware of him in my peripheral vision. He stayed on the lawn and didn’t come out onto the road to the car, but he was still yelling my name. I turned my head ever so slightly and saw Cole walking after him. Just the sight of him made my heart hurt.

  Declan called my name once more, but then I drove off, and the sound of his voice receded, and when I looked in my rearview mirror before I turned at the end of the road, I saw him and Cole standing there, watching me go. What had he told Declan? I wondered. I felt bad ignoring him like that, just driving off, but I hoped it would seem like I just hadn’t heard him.

  I hoped that he wouldn’t be too hurt over this whole thing. He might for a little while, but he’d be fine, I knew it. Kids were resilient like that. I wasn’t so sure about myself, though.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Cole

  “Where is Miss Allie going?”

  We stood there at the end of the driveway, watching as Allie’s car turned the corner, disappeared. She could’ve been going anywhere—to the grocery store, to drop off a letter at the post office, off to go meet up with a friend—but for some reason, I had the feeling that we weren’t going to see her for a while.

  “I’m not sure, bud,” I said.

  “Can we go see her when she gets back? Didn’t she hear me calling her?”

  “I’m sure she would’ve stopped if she had heard you,” I said, though I was pretty sure she had heard him. Not that I could fault her for not stopping, for not wanting to talk to him. Me, really. And that’s what sucked about this whole thing, I was realizing, this whole trying to date when you already had a kid. You always ran the chance that the person you were dating and your kid wouldn’t get along, but then the opposite was true, too: they might get along so well, and if and when things didn’t work out, it would be just as hard on the kid as it was on the adults that the relationship was coming to an end.

  No one was home at Allie’s house the next day, Sunday, and I could tell that Declan was distracted, looking over there every once in a while. I was glad when my parents got there; at least that would give him something to take his mind off of it for a while.

  I hadn’t planned on bringing up the whole fiasco with my parents, but my mother was usually pretty good about being able to tell when something was bothering me, so when Declan and my dad were settled on the deck playing a round of Go Fish, my mother cornered me in the kitchen.

  “Something’s wrong,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

  I hung the dish towel I’d just been drying my hands with on the oven door handle. “I broke things off with Allie.”

  My mother’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Why? I thought things were going really well with her. You two made such a great couple.”

  “I’m just not...it’s not the right time for me to be in a relationship.”

  “What are you talking about, Cole? You’re 31, not 21.”

  “Yes, Mom, I’m well aware of that fact, thank you.”

  “I’m not saying it to try to insult you. I’m saying it because most guys your age are at least involved in a serious relationship.”

  “Ben’s not. He’s my age.”

  “Yes, well, Ben is a different story altogether. You’ve got a successful practice. Declan is great. And you and Allie seemed like a perfect match. Did something happen?”

  “I lost Declan,” I said. “When we went down to Boston to see Allie’s mother, we went to the Children’s Museum, and on the way out, I lost him. Because I was kissing Allie.” Even now, I felt a shame inside of me, just admitting it.

  My mother blinked. “But you obviously found him.”

  “I shouldn’t have lost him like that in the first place. He saw a group of kids with a bunch of balloons, and he just took off after them, crossed a busy intersection with them, and went to the frozen yogurt shop and ordered himself a dish of soft serve. All while I was running around looking for him, completely losing my shit.”

  “I didn’t realize that had happened,” she said. “I’m sorry, Cole. That must’ve been very scary for you.”

  “It was. Luckily, he was safe. But the whole time, I kept thinking the worst, and that if something had happened to him, I’d never be able to forgive myself.”

  “But nothing happened to him,” she said, sounding confused. “He’s safe and sound. Crisis averted.”

  “You’re right,” I said. “And that’s extremely fortunate. I don’t want something like that to happen again.”

  Declan came running in from out back just then, right as my mother was about to say something. I was glad for the interruption, though.

  “Guess what!” Declan said. “I beat Grandpa! And I know he wasn’t just letting me win. He was actually trying really hard! Does anyone else want to try and beat me?”

  “I will, bud,” I said, following him back out onto the deck, glad for the excuse to not continue the conversation with my mother.

  I expected Allie to be at the Learning Center on Monday when I dropped Declan off, and I could tell that he was eager to see her, too. But there was another woman there, an older woman who had been in there before when a substitute was needed. I tried to act nonchalant when I asked one of the teachers, Amy, about where Allie was. I knew Allie and Amy hung out sometimes, but I didn’t know if Allie had told her anything.

  “She’s taking some time off,” Amy said, and from the cool note in her voice, I was willing to bet that Allie had at least mentioned something to her about what had happened. I found myself wanting to offer my side of the story, to explain it to her, but I knew better. I knew how it would make me sound.

  I met up with Ben at Perkins State Park, ready for a couple good hours of hard riding. Even that, though, an activity I had always enjoyed, even today that enjoyment seemed elusive. I gave both my body and my bike a good beating, but my brain kept spinning back to Allie, kept feeling like I had done something wrong.

  “You’re losing your edge,” Ben said when we were back at the parking lot, guzzling the remainder of our water bottles. “I could’ve easily overtaken you on the way back.”

  “Then why didn’t you?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Tradition? Courtesy?”

  I tossed the empty water bottle onto the front seat of the car. I knew he was telling the truth; the whole way back I could feel him right behind me, and if he had gone to pass, I just wouldn’t have had it in me to hold him off. “So why didn’t you then? You could be gloating right now. Maybe I am losing my edge.”

  “I don’t think so. But there is something going on.”

  “Well, you’re right. You might as well know,” I said. “I broke things off with Allie.”

  He gave me a surprised look. “You did?” he said. “Why the hell would you do something like that? I thought things were going great and shit.”

  “The whole thing with Declan,” I said. “When we went to the city.” I shook my head. “I have never felt more afraid in my entire life. And it was my fault because I was too distracted with Allie.”

  He kept looking at me, but not saying anything, as though he were waiting for me to continue. “So that’s what’s bothering me.”

&nbs
p; “And...?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What else happened? Don’t tell me you broke up with her just because Declan happened to wander off. Kids are always doing shit like that. That’s like saying you broke up with her because he picked his nose and tried to eat it.”

  “Declan might pick his nose, but he doesn’t eat it.”

  “Okay, fine, that was a bad example. But you get my point. What was the other reason you broke up with her for?”

  “There wasn’t.”

  “Oh, man.”

  “What?” I said. “She’s single now. You can go date her.”

  He regarded me as if he thought that last comment was in very poor taste, which it was. I held my hands up. “Never mind,” I said. “Just forget I mentioned anything.”

  “No, I’m not trying to give you a hard time about it.”

  “You’re not? Because that’s exactly what it seems like you’re doing. I don’t even need to have an acceptable answer for you, or my mother, or anyone, about why I broke up with her. I did it for my own reasons, and seeing as I was the one going out with her, that’s what matters.”

  “You’re right,” Ben said. “Can’t argue that. And we can drop it after this. But if you’re telling me that you broke up with her just because of that, and you still have all the same feelings you did prior to this happening, well... that just seems pretty short-sighted to me.”

  “Do I have a flashing sign over my head that says I am looking for relationship advice? I must, because that’s all anyone seems interested in talking to me about.”

  He started to say something but I brushed past him, got my bike, threw it on the rack, got in the car, and drove off.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine