When You Know

by Archer, Kiki

  Jade smiled. “I’m not a man. I’m not easily distracted.”

  “The clouds?”

  “You’re going to sit here and tell me a joke about the clouds?”

  Jenna nodded. “Yes. Where do clouds go to the bathroom?”

  Jade tried not to smile. “I don’t know. Where do clouds go to the bathroom?”

  “Anywhere they want.”

  “Poor.”

  “The mountain?”

  “No, stop. I don’t want to hear about the mountain.”

  Jenna smiled. “Yes you do. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?”

  “Hi Cliff?”

  “Yes!” laughed Jenna.

  Jade rolled her eyes. “You’ve got enough to get us all the way to the top, haven’t you?”

  Jenna nodded. “Sure have.”

  “She’s a lucky lady.”

  “Who?”

  “Whoever it is you’re shunning me for.”

  “I’m not shunning you, but yes, she’s called Susan, and she’s very special indeed.”

  “And she likes your shit jokes, does she?”

  Jenna smiled. “I haven’t told you my shit joke.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Yes you do.”

  Jade laughed. “Oh no, this gets worse. You’re funny as well. Sporty, sexy, fit, and funny. Life’s so cruel to me.”

  “Hey, I haven’t even said it yet.”

  “Fine, tell me your shit joke.”

  Jenna coughed and prepared herself. “I’m one of those people who likes to read while taking a shit.” She smiled widely. “That’s the reason I’m banned from Waterstones.”

  Jade banged her on the arm and swallowed her laughter. “That’s gross.”

  “It helps though, hey. Look,” she said, nodding at the mound of snow up ahead, “we’re nearly at the top.”

  “Is it a long term thing? You and this Susan woman?”

  “It will be,” said Jenna, with meaning.

  ****

  Susan dropped another brown-stained paper towel into the sink. She crouched down and looked at Daisy’s face, trying her best not to grimace. “Oh, Daisy, you’re ever so sore. I don’t want to rub too hard, but I think I might need one more go at these streaks.”

  The little girl’s short white eyelashes were blinking quickly. “When can I put my glasses back on? I’m totally blind without them.”

  “Let me have one more go,” said Susan, running more warm water. She crouched back down and started to dab.

  “Ouch,” said Daisy flinching with the pain.

  “I’m really sorry,” said Susan, “but I think we should go to the school nurse.” She passed over Daisy’s glasses and reached into the sink to squeeze out the paper towels. She dropped them in the bin in the corner and swilled the sink with her fingers.

  Daisy Button was open mouthed in front of the mirror. “I look like a ladybird.”

  Susan glanced at Daisy’s reflection, unable to ignore the way her round spectacles stood out from her bright red face. “You don’t.”

  “I do. I look like a ladybird that’s landed in a muddy puddle. Timmy won’t fancy me now.”

  “Timmy’s a gardener. He likes nature.” Susan heard how ridiculous she sounded. “Ignore that. Nurse Watts will sort you out. Come on, Daisy.” She put her arm around the little girl’s shoulder and helped her out of the toilets. “It’s not as bad as you think.”

  “WHAT in the name of St Wilfred’s has happened to you?!” Vice Principal Dorothy Brown screeched to a halt in the corridor. “Do we have an orang-utan on the loose?”

  “Daisy’s had an allergic reaction. I’m popping her down to Nurse Watts.”

  “You’re not teaching?”

  “No, I’ve finished for the day.”

  “So the report’s done I take it.”

  Susan frowned. “Report?”

  “Yes. The report on Professor Ramsbottom’s ski trip conduct, or dare I say, lack of it. I need it on my desk by six p.m. at the very latest.” Vice Principal Brown peered down at the little girl. “Close your ears, young lady.”

  “Today?”

  “Yes, today! Investigations don’t run themselves, Madam Quinn. I need facts. I need evidence. I need intricate details of every misdemeanour and every wrongdoing. I need examples!” The broad-shouldered old battle-axe shook her jowls. “I need details of Professor Ramsbottom’s inappropriate behaviour and I need them now!”

  “It wasn’t his fault,” said Daisy with wide eyes.

  Dorothy Brown glowered. “What wasn’t? When?”

  “When I walked into his room. When I saw him naked.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  Susan checked the star-shaped clock hanging from the wall in her school apartment. It was 4.50 p.m. Jenna would be Skyping in ten minutes. She linked her fingers together and stretched out her arms, looking at her laptop screen at the report she’d been struggling with for the past hour. Vice Principal Dorothy Brown had almost blown a gasket when she’d heard little Daisy Button’s comment, pulling the girl straight into her office and making her dictate an exact account of what had happened that night on the ski trip. Susan had stayed seated at the side of the room, unsure if it was Daisy’s cheeks or her own that were emitting the most heat. It had sounded so dreadful. Daisy had seen her teacher naked. She had seen Professor Ramsbottom with no clothes on, because Professor Ramsbottom thought it was Madam Quinn entering the room. Professor Ramsbottom thought it was Madam Quinn who was knocking. Only it wasn’t Madam Quinn, it was little Daisy Button instead.

  It had sounded so seedy. The idea that Madam Quinn and Professor Ramsbottom might have been having some extra-curricular fun of their own, as Vice Principal Brown had so delicately phrased it. Susan had been quick to correct her assumption, which then caused another huge onslaught about how he was therefore a sexual predator and must be suspended for sexual harassment, especially since Susan was now of the homosexual variety. Dorothy Brown had been beaming with glee, completely oblivious to both Susan and Daisy’s pain, declaring it yet another nail in ‘that little man’s’ coffin, and insisting Susan’s report be factual yet full.

  Susan re-read her three key headings. The first said: Professor Ramsbottom’s conduct with staff. The second said: Professor Ramsbottom’s conduct with students. The third said: Additional examples of inappropriate professional conduct. Dorothy Brown had been very clear about the layout of the report, and Susan had tried her best to write three detailed paragraphs under the headings she’d been given, but it was hard. It was hard to be factual without sounding like she was putting the boot in completely. She read it again, cringing at her own comments. Was there really any need to disclose the fact that Marcus had tried to tweezer her nipples as he held her horizontally for the group photo at the French service station? Was there really any need to discuss Marcus’s continued pursual of a one-sided relationship with her? Susan sighed and pressed delete. Marcus wasn’t a sexual predator. Yes, he might have compared Willamena Edgington to Pamela Anderson in the game of ski pass recognition, and he did make that one private comment comparing Eugenie Roehampton’s body to that of Dolly Parton’s, but these weren’t evidence of a sexual predator, just signs of a slightly misguided, typical bloke. Susan sighed again. Was that typical bloke behaviour? She didn’t really know. Her experience with the male species was probably as limited as his was with the female species. It was so hard. She had to write the facts, but maybe she’d just write the facts that were public. Marcus’s ski pants split in front of the group and they all caught sight of his bottom. Susan nodded. Fact. Marcus called Daisy Button into his room and she caught sight of him naked. Fact. But he didn’t know it was her entering the room. Fact.

  Susan jumped as the Skype app suddenly filled her screen. Jenna’s jpeg was smiling at her. She connected the call and leaned backwards in her chair. “Hey, beautiful,” she said as she waved at the screen.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” said Jenna, returning th
e customary greeting they always slipped in to. “What a day I’ve had! I’ve got so much to tell you. Remember that lady in my group? Jade? The banker? Well she gave me her number today, and I’d like you to know I dropped it in the very first bin I saw!” Jenna was beaming proudly. “Are you okay, gorgeous? I didn’t flirt back. She was actually being really cheesy with me and the whole thing made me cringe. I ended up telling her a load of really crap jokes just to pass the time on the chairlift.”

  Susan smiled. “I’m fine. I believe you. Thanks for telling me.”

  “Hey, you said you’d rather know everything.”

  “No honestly, it’s fine. I’ve just had a bit of a tough day, that’s all.”

  “Oh gorgeous, tell me everything.” Jenna’s face became bigger in the screen. “Is that why you haven’t replied to my picture messages?”

  Susan smiled. “Sorry, yes, they’re incredible, and yes, I do want some more. It’s just been non-stop since this afternoon what with Daisy’s allergic reaction to your make-up—”

  “What?”

  “She dolled herself up with some chocolate brown foundation and waltzed into my lesson like Beyoncé Knowles.” Susan paused. “Actually she hobbled in, but still. She was swishing her fringe and all sorts. Bless her, she thought she looked great.”

  “And did she?”

  “Jenna! She’s an albino. You bought her Espresso Chocolate foundation.”

  “It was part of a pack. I didn’t know what was in it.”

  “Anyway, she’s fine. Danielle Watts sorted her out with some cooling cream.”

  Jenna tried not to laugh. “So, what else happened today?”

  “Oh just this report about Marcus. Dorothy Brown caught me in the corridor. Daisy overheard the conversation and thought Dorothy was talking about her.”

  “In what way?”

  “Oh I don’t know. Dorothy was going on about his inappropriate behaviour.” Susan paused. “I mean, you can’t really get more inappropriate than calling someone into your room whilst you’re sitting there spread eagle with nothing but a sneering grin on your face.”

  “So wrong.”

  “Dorothy told me I had until six to get the report on her desk. Daisy must have assumed it had something to do with her.” Susan rolled her eyes. “But Daisy even said that Marcus was waiting for me.”

  “Naked?”

  “Exactly! I had to convince Dorothy that we were not, and never have been, an item, which now means she’s pressuring me to do him for sexual harassment.”

  “And so you should!”

  “Jenna, he’s harmless.”

  “He’s not!”

  “He is. He’s just a bit inappropriate at times.”

  Jenna was frowning. “And that’s okay is it?”

  “Well it’s not grounds for him to lose his job.”

  “Who’s made the actual formal complaint against him?”

  Susan shook her head. “I don’t know, and Dorothy had no idea about the Daisy Button incident, so it wasn’t her or her mum. But thankfully she approved of how I’d handled the situation, so thank you again for that. You were the one who made me call Mrs Button, remember?”

  Jenna shuddered. “Can we stop talking about him now?”

  “Suits me,” said Susan with a smile. “Remind me what this Jade woman of yours looks like again.”

  Jenna grinned. “Blonde, slim, really pretty blue eyes, pink lips.”

  “And you ditched her number?”

  “Of course I did. I’ve got my very own slim, pert-titted, hazel-nutty-brown-haired-beauty of my own right here.”

  “You’ve got such a way with words.”

  “S-s-sorry, y-y-your breaking u-up.” The image of Jenna was flashing on the screen. “S-s-say t-t-that again?”

  Susan leaned in closer and spoke louder. “I said you’ve got a great way with words.”

  “W-w-what?”

  Susan checked her computer’s connection. Five bars. “It must be you, beautiful. I’ve got good signal.”

  Jenna had become pixelated. “L-l-let me c-c-call you b-b-back.”

  Susan watched as the blurred image disappeared from the screen. She jumped down from her stool and dashed to the fridge, grabbing a can of Diet Coke and making it back to the counter just in time to connect the call.

  “A-a-any b-b-better?” Jenna was still made up of boxes and the image on the screen was flashing.

  Susan went to reply when the connection cut out once more. She typed a message into the Skype conversation box instead: “Shall I try you?”

  Jenna typed back: Yes.

  Susan clicked on the video call button, opening her can and taking a sip of drink as she waited. The tone kept bleeping but the connection never came. She ended the call and typed instead: “Shall I call your mobile?”

  It’s dead. All those picture messages I sent you. Let me put it on charge.

  “So,” typed Susan, continuing to use the Skype’s messaging service, “you were telling me about my pert-titted beautiness.”

  I meant every word. You’re stunning, Susan.

  “You are. You make ski gear look so sexy.”

  I’m sexier out of it.

  “I know you are.”

  You want to see?

  “Always.” Susan smiled as she took another sip of drink. “OMG,” she typed, slamming the can back down on the counter and absorbing the full impact of the shot that had just appeared on her screen. “You are SO hot, Jenna!”

  You want to see more?

  Susan leaned closer into the laptop screen, unable to draw her eyes away from the naked breasts. “Can anyone see this?” she typed.

  No. This is our private Skype conversation. Stop worrying.

  “You’re so hot. Seriously, how are you my girlfriend?”

  Because you’re stunning too.

  “I’m not.”

  You are. You’re sexy. You’re smart. You’re AMAZING in bed.

  “You’re making me blush over here.”

  Good, let’s see if I can make you blush some more.

  “Okay,” typed Susan, “give me your best.” She felt her heart quicken, fully aware that Jenna would be getting herself into some crazy position and snapping away with her webcam. Susan smiled to herself and clicked on her laptop’s own camera button, leaning back in shock as her face filled the screen. What was Jenna thinking? She wasn’t sexy. In fact her hair looked flatter than usual and any remnants of this morning’s make-up had well and truly rubbed off. She twisted herself sideways on her stool and flicked her head down between her legs, coming back up and checking the result on the screen. Shit, she thought, I look like a scarecrow. “Damn it,” she said, trying to comb it through with her fingers. Susan heard the Skype message ping and minimised her webcam.

  How’s this for starters?

  Susan gasped. Jenna must have moved her laptop onto her dressing table as the shot filling her screen was of Jenna lying naked on the bed. “How did you take that?” she typed.

  Three second time delay on the webcam. Yours will have it too ;) ;) ;)

  “I don’t even take good face shots.”

  Show me something else then.

  Susan smiled and clicked back on the camera. She tilted the laptop screen down slightly and opened the top three buttons of her shirt. She pressed the snap shot button and smiled at the image, pleased that she was wearing a push up bra. She clicked back on Skype and typed: “How’s this?” before adding the first picture from her webcam’s photo roll.

  !!!!!!! YOU ARE THE SEXIEST LADY I KNOW SUSAN QUINN !!!!!!!

  Susan blushed. “Am not.”

  You SO are. Do you have ANY idea what you do to me?

  “Tell me.”

  You turn me on.

  Susan jumped off the stool and knelt over the sofa, quickly drawing together her curtains before checking the lock on her door. She clicked back on the webcam tab and sat back down, lowering the laptop screen even further. She undid the rest of her buttons and drew her sh
irt out to the sides. She took another shot and added it to her next message. “Wish you were here.”

  SERIOUSLY Susan, you are INCREDIBLE! I’d pull you so close into me if I was there. Your stomach looks amazing, your boobs look amazing, you’re just amazing!

  Susan pulled off her shirt and unclipped her bra, drawing one foot underneath her into a slight kneeling position on the stool. She pushed herself upwards and stuck out her chest, clicking on the snapshot button and looking at the result. She frowned. Her right boob looked droopy because she was leaning in to take the shot. She clicked on the three second timer button instead and moved her hands behind her head, arching her back and pushing her boobs forward. The picture took and she looked at the screen, pleasantly surprised by the result. Susan dropped back onto her bottom and started to type. “You couldn’t see my boobs in that last picture.”

  Okay then, they look amazing in your bra.

  “Do you WANT to see my boobs?”

  WHAT?????

  “Do you?”

  OMG ALWAYS

  “You’re sure this is safe?”

  I’ve just sent a picture of me lying naked on the bed. It’s safe.

  Susan smiled to herself. “You turn me on too,” she typed before adding her photo to the message.

  SERIOUSLY SUSAN!!!! I NEED TO CALL YOU!!!

  “Let me build you into more of a sweat first.”

  Really????

  “Yes, really.” Susan moved herself back into the position on her knee, this time undoing the top button of her trousers and pulling down on the zip. She pressed the three second countdown button before grabbing a nipple with one hand and thrusting the other down the front of her pants. She gasped at herself as she saw the image on the screen. “Want you,” she typed, as she added the picture to the message.

  WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. I want to show you how turned on you’re making me.

  Susan smiled and typed “Okay,” before jumping off the stool and grabbing the throw from her bed. She wrapped it around her shoulders and waited with a nervous shiver, feeling the electricity sear across her chest as she heard the ping of her Skype. She leaned into the screen with an open mouth. Jenna was bent over, touching her toes, and there was a clear glistening visible between her legs. Susan released the throw and started to type. “Need you, like that, right now.”