Becoming Somebody

by Heather D'Agostino

  “It’s too big,” she giggled as she lifted her arms.

  “We can fix that,” I knelt down in front of her and gently pushed the sleeves up to expose her hands. I zipped up the front so her legs were covered and then stepped back. “There,” I grinned at her.

  “I look like you, Daddy,” she giggled.

  “That you do, baby. Keep that warm for me, ok?” I ruffled her hair before grabbing my other coat and slipping it on. “Let’s go get Mommy. She’s waiting on us,” I reached for her tiny hand as I stuffed my wallet and badge in my pocket and led her from the condo. I could handle this dad stuff. It wasn’t as hard as my buddies at the station had made it out to be.

  ooooooooo

  Samantha

  The doctors had cleared me to go home, and as I sat on the edge of my bed waiting for Dev, my mind swarmed with ‘what ifs’. I couldn’t help but wonder how things were going back at my condo. Mara was a good kid, but with the snow and a broken arm, I was sure she was driving him nuts.

  I watched out the window as the snow continued to fall. It’d been coming down nonstop since the night of the accident. I wondered how Mara would be in the snow. Would she like it as I had as a child? She’d never seen snow before except in the movies we watched. Vegas didn’t get snow. Heck, it was warm enough sometimes that you could swim this time of year.

  “Mommy!” Mara squealed as she burst through the door causing me to jump from my musings.

  “Hey, baby,” I smiled at her and fought to hold back a laugh when I saw how she was dressed. Her blonde hair was pulled in a messy ponytail that was crooked, and other than Dev’s coat, which was pretty much covering her, all you could see were the rain boots peeking out of the bottom.

  “Don’t ask,” Dev muttered as he released a deep breath. “She wanted to dress herself.”

  “You can tell her no, you know,” I rolled my eyes and smirked at him. “She doesn’t always have to get what she wants.”

  “I missed three years of spoiling her,” he ran his hand through his damp hair. The snow that had been stuck there was melting causing tiny water droplets to appear. “I’m not telling her ‘no’ for a long time.”

  “So I get to be the bad guy?” I grinned. “Thanks,” I giggled as I gripped my side in pain. “Don’t make me laugh. It hurts too much,” I chastised him.

  “Sorry,” he winked as he moved to sit beside me. He leaned closer to my ear and whispered, “I know I can’t let her do whatever she wants, but I don’t want to tell her no on the small stuff. She’s had a rough couple of days, too.”

  “I get it, I do, but you do have to learn to be firm,” I smiled at him before turning back to watch our daughter. She was jumping across the room, using the floor tiles to play some made up game that only she knew the rules.

  “Can we go now?” she grinned up at us.

  “Yep,” I pushed myself to a standing position. I grimaced as I tried to put my coat on, and Dev helped me.

  “Good,” Mara nodded. “I need my hair fixed the right way, and Daddy can’t do it like you do.”

  “Oh really?” Dev teased. “Maybe Mommy can teach me,” he winked as a laugh escaped before helping me into the wheelchair that had just been rolled into the room.

  “I think we can arrange that,” I lowered myself into the seat and turned to face Mara, “You want to ride on my lap down to the car?”

  Mara’s little head bobbed furiously before she scurried over and attempted to climb into my lap. Dev reached for her so she wouldn’t hurt me and helped her settle into my arms before telling the nurse he’d take it from there.

  When we left the hospital that day, I couldn’t help but think that we’d rounded a corner. Something had changed in all of us. A future was being forged, and the obstacles that lay ahead seemed more like speed bumps than mountains. I knew we still had a long way to go before we’d be the happy family that I envisioned, but we were heading in the right direction. We’d get there… soon… I hoped.

  Chapter 18

  “So you’re sure everything is fine? You don’t need me to stop by today?” I leaned back on my couch with the phone pressed to my ear.

  “You concentrate on getting better. We’ve got everything under control here,” Tiff’s voice was muffled as I heard her turn away from the phone and yell at someone to be more careful.

  “You sure about that?” I laughed and clutched my side where it still ached.

  “We’re fine,” she sighed. “It’s just the new girl you hired is having a hard time behind the bar. She’s broken a few glasses. She thinks that since she was hired as a waitress, she would only be doing that. I’ve tried to tell her that we all do everything here. Mason is helping though. You should consider having him tend bar as well as bounce. He’s pretty good back here,” she giggled.

  “Well, I should be back on Monday. The doctors gave me the all clear for next week,” I shifted and scratched lightly at my bandage. The stitches itched, and I was trying with all my might not to touch them.

  “Take your time, girl; you didn’t hire me for nothing,” she chirped right before disconnecting the call.

  “Goodbye to you, too,” I muttered as I shook my head.

  “Something wrong?” Dev rounded the couch and sat down before pulling my feet into his lap.

  “No, I’m just not used to this,” I mumbled as I leaned back and closed my eyes. I couldn’t help the moan that slipped out when I felt his thumbs press into the soles of my feet. “That feels soooo good.”

  “Not used to what?” He totally ignored my last statement as his fingers danced up my ankles and began to work the knots out of my calves.

  “Having people do all this for me. I’ve always— oh god!” I groaned.

  “Do what?” his voice was light as he continued to torture me. I knew he was fighting to keep things from going further. We hadn’t been together in over a week and weren’t supposed to be for another three days. If he wanted me half as much as I wanted him, he was showing great restraint.

  “Take care of me,” I tossed my hand in the air. “I’ve always taken care of myself. I’ve never wanted to rely on anyone.”

  “Well,” he shifted so he was closer to my head “I plan on taking care of both of you. No more worrying about anything. You and Mara,” he leaned in a pressed a kiss to my forehead, “you’re my top priority.”

  “What about work?” I mumbled. I knew that with his job we never knew what the next day held. He could be sent out on assignment, and there was nothing I could do about it. “What if you have to go under again?”

  Dev sighed as he leaned back on the couch and let his head drop back. He pinched the bridge of his nose as his head tipped toward the ceiling. “That’s who I am, Sam. I can’t change that, but I’m damn well gonna do what I can when I’m here. There are cops that are married and have families. It’s not something that I ever thought about before. I love you,” he turned his head to the side and stared at me. “I wanna be here… for you… for Mara. I wanna take care of you, if you’ll let me.”

  “I know you do. I just,” I swallowed hard and looked away before mumbling, “What if you get sent away for a long time again? What if something happens? How would I ever know about it?” I knew all these fears that I was laying out for him were real. They could very well happen, and there wasn’t anything I could do.

  “What do you want me to do? Quit?” His face twisted as he watched me.

  “I would never ask you to do that, but I’m scared,” my voice trembled as the tears rose to the surface. We’d never really talked about this, but Dev wanted to define whatever we were, and he wanted to do it now.

  “Scared of what?” he sat up and ran his palm up my thigh.

  “Losing you,” I bit my lip and wiped at my eyes. “I can’t let you in again only to have you ripped away. What happens when you go back under and Mara asks me when you’re coming back? What do I tell her?”

  “That’ll always be a chance, but right now… things are good. All but
one of the cases I’ve worked is closed, and the open one… Jase is running point. I’m not going to lie to you. It could come to me leaving again, but not for years at a time. I’m not missing anymore of her childhood,” he pointed toward the hallway where Mara was playing in her room. “Are we good?”

  I shrugged, “As good as it’s going to get today.”

  “Sam,” he sighed.

  “No, really. I’m fine. I’m just feeling bad over the fact that I’m stuck here and everyone seems to have everything under control. I guess I’m just a little stir crazy,” I offered a weak smile.

  “Well, Thanksgiving is next week. I told your mom we’d cook, and she could come here to eat. You’ll be back to normal by then, and I think I have an idea of what we can do to pep you up,” His eyes twinkled with mischief as he grinned at me.

  “You’re so bad,” I rolled my eyes as I swatted at his arm.

  “You love it,” he snickered.

  “Down boy,” laughed and gripped my side that still ached. “Ow!” I groaned.

  ooooooooo

  When Monday rolled around, I was itching to get out of the condo. My mother had stopped by that morning to take Mara to pre-school. They were having some kind of grandparent luncheon that week for Thanksgiving, and Mara hadn’t stopped talking about it all weekend. My mother was all smiles as they disappeared out into the snow.

  The weather hadn’t gotten any worse, but it was still freezing cold, and we had about eight inches of fluffy white mess on the ground. I was over it. I missed the warm fall weather that Vegas had. The only perk to living here was the man sitting at the table stuffing cereal into his mouth.

  “So I’ll see you tonight?” I was tugging on a hat and gloves as I turned to face Dev.

  “I gotta work the late shift tonight. I can come by here after, if you want me too, but I don’t know what time that’ll be,” he mumbled as he scanned the paper in front of him. “They want extra help this week with the holidays and all. It brings out the crazies.”

  I nodded as I chewed the inside of my mouth, “Ok.”

  “Sam,” Dev blew out a breath. “Don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” I turned and glared at him.

  “I’ve been staying here the last nine days. I’ve been with you more than I’ve been at work. They’ve given me all the time off that I’ve asked for, even though it’s been busy. Jase has run interference at the station with the Captain. What more do you want from me?”

  “It’s nothing,” I murmured. “I just miss you when you’re gone. I’ve gotten used to having you here, and well, tonight, you know,” I glanced away as my cheeks reddened.

  I heard the chair scrape against the floor as he shoved back from the table. His bare feet padded over to stand behind me. “I know exactly what today is,” he murmured in my ear. “I’ve been counting down the hours until this day arrived,” his nose skimmed up the column of my neck before he nipped my ear. “I’ll do what I can to get home before it’s too late, but sometimes things happen that I can’t control,” he pecked my cheek before stepping away from me.

  The loss of heat from him caused me to shudder, “You’re so mean.”

  Within seconds, he stormed back up to me, spun me around, and pressed me into the wall behind us, “You have no idea how mean I can really be.” His eyes darkened as he pressed his hips firmly to mine. The flannel lounge pants he was wearing did nothing to hide his excitement. It had been eleven days now, and it was more than obvious that he needed me as much as I needed him. His head moved closer as his eyes darted between my lips and my eyes. “I can tease and taunt you so much that you won’t even remember your own name,” he leaned next to my ear. “We have a third person living here with us though, so we have to figure out a way to keep you quiet,” he mumbled.

  “I c– c– can b– be quiet,” I stammered.

  “Riiiiight,” he teased as one hand moved from where it was holding my shoulder and drifted between my legs. “Shit, babe,” he growled. “You need to go to work,” he shoved away from me and just as I was beginning to protest, my phone chimed.

  I swallowed and tried to calm myself as I pulled it out of my coat pocket and looked at the caller ID… Tiff. “What’s up?” I tried to sound normal.

  “You coming in today?” she giggled. “You’re never late.”

  “I’m on my way out the door right now,” I rolled my eyes as I heard Dev snicker in the background. Oh, he was so going down for this. I was going to get him back and make him pay for winding me up so tight.

  “Well, hurry up. The liquor order is coming in in an hour, and I want you here so we can go over drinks for the holiday menu,” she clicked off the line. Tiff had a bad habit of hanging up on me lately. It was as if she knew when the conversation was over and didn’t want to delay the disconnection.

  “Crazy woman,” I muttered as I scowled at Dev. He was laughing at the table when I shoved my phone back in my pocket. I turned to face him as I slowly shook my head, “It’s on big boy. You and me— this isn’t over. You’ve stuck your hand in a hornets nest, and I’m one angry hornet.”

  “Bring it, babe,” he chided just as I closed the door to my condo.

  We needed to fix this living situation. Dev living upstairs was dumb. My face almost split in two as the idea of living together popped into my brain. We’d never discussed it, but it made sense that he move into my place. He practically lived there already anyway. I couldn’t remember the last time he’s stayed at his apartment instead of mine.

  When I got downstairs, the idea had grown into a plan. I’d ask him tomorrow. The bar was closed for the remainder of the week for the holiday. I didn’t believe that my employees should have to work on the holidays, so I was just planning to stay closed. We’d have plenty of time to move his things if he agreed to it. Just because he had to work didn’t mean that I couldn’t do this for him. Yep, tomorrow would be moving day.

  I smiled at my revelation as I climbed into the blue Trailblazer. Dev had insisted that I start driving one of his vehicles since my car had been totaled. The Trailblazer had been in a storage locker during the summer because it was his winter car. He swapped out the motorcycle when the weather changed. As I settled into the seat, and adjusted the mirrors, I took a deep breath. It smelled like him, and I couldn’t help but feel giddy like a young girl with her first crush.

  It wasn’t that I’d never done something like this; it was more the fact that it meant something this time. These were simple things that I’d never had. The little moments that most people take for granted. I’d hidden my heart so far away for so long that I hadn’t really let myself feel things. Things like borrowing a sweatshirt, having breakfast together, falling asleep watching a movie— I’d had those with Andy, but it didn’t feel the same.

  With Andy, I was pretending to be someone else. My body was there, but my heart was tucked away because I knew that it wasn’t permanent. Now, I was back, and I was Sam. I wasn’t hiding myself from anyone. I was the me that I was meant to be, and Dev… he wanted that me. He wanted the us that I’d dreamed about for so long, and I was going to make sure we got it.

  Chapter 19

  The bar was crazy tonight. I think every person in Chicago decided to come out and see the band we’d booked. Tiff and I handled the bar once again. Courtney, the new girl, was still too green to be bartending, and I needed Mason at the door. I really was going to have to reevaluate the situation. Chris’s band was doing better, and if I didn’t watch it, he was going to end up leaving me short-staffed. I was happy for him, but with the way things had been going lately it looked like I was going to be doing more of what I was tonight and less managing.

  “Holy crap, I’m tired!” I groaned as I tugged my tee from my jeans. “I think we served half the city tonight.”

  “That’s a good thing,” Tiff smirked from beside me as she took the garnish tray and began emptying it. “With the bar closed the rest of the week, this will give us the funds we all need to survive until M
onday.”

  “I know you need the money, but aren’t happy to have holidays off?” I began wiping down tables as she stocked the beer cooler.

  “Yeah, I like having the time off. I just wish I had someone to spend it with,” Tiff muttered.

  “What? I thought you and Jase…” I stopped mid-sentence when she held her hand up. “Tiff?”

  “That’s not going to happen,” she sighed as she slumped against the counter behind her.

  “What? Why? I thought things were moving along for you two.” I tossed my rag onto the bar and sat down on a stool. “Talk to me.”

  “Something happened,” she shook her head and continued to stare at the ground. “We were doing ok, I guess, if you could call it that. I mean— I don’t know if we really were a ‘we’,” she looked up at me and I saw a look that I’d never seen before from Tiff. She looked genuinely hurt. “He’s got demons; that’s for sure. We’ve been messing around for a couple of weeks. It was ok, I mean, it was for fun, no strings,” she shrugged and then leaned forward to rest her elbows on the bar. “He never promised me anything, and I didn’t ask. It was fun, ya know?” she shrugged.

  “You really like him, don’t you?” I reached across the bar and covered her hand with mine.

  “I thought I did,” her eyes met mine and filled with tears. “I can’t get close enough to really figure it out. Every time I try to get him to let me, he shut down. It’s as if he has this wall up, and he’s not going to let anyone in. You can see it in his face when we’re together. His expressions, they show love, or at least I think they do, but when I try to get him to open up, the bricks fly into place and he shuts down. For the life of me, I can’t get through.”