A Plain & Fancy Christmas

by Cynthia Keller

  Rachel smiled. “You are helpful, always. Having you two as sisters is a gift.”

  “All family is a gift,” Laura said. “Sisters, brothers, children …” Smiling, Rachel gestured to Katie to get in their buggy. Sarah and Moses would be taking their children in their own. Laura said good night and went back to the house. As Rachel untied Driver from the post, she stroked the horse’s neck while continuing to gaze at the sky, now a blazing crimson and orange. There was nothing more beautiful than a summer evening at home, she thought. Here, in her real home.

  “I’m sleepy.” Katie came up to her and rested her head against Rachel.

  Rachel moved to put her arm around her child, overcome by a wave of love for her. This was their life. It was, and always would be.

  As soon as they returned to the farm, Katie got ready for bed and was asleep almost the instant her head hit the pillow. It was then, when Rachel went to her own room and sat down tiredly on the bed, that her doubts arose again.

  She had tried to keep things simple when she described her visit to New York to her family. Now, alone in her moonlit room, she could try once more to untangle the knot of emotions that formed in her stomach yesterday as soon as she had gotten on the bus back to Pennsylvania, and refused to leave her.

  The truth, she thought—or was it the problem?—was that she had genuinely come to like the Lawrences by the end of their afternoon together. They were direct, which her family here was as well, but they said more, spoke more about their feelings, opened up in ways that Rachel wasn’t used to. She felt a connection with A.J. and Nick that amazed her, as she quickly grew comfortable talking to them, something that was completely uncharacteristic for her when she encountered people she didn’t know. At one point, the conversation had turned to some of the places Gil and Nina had traveled to, and Rachel found herself rapt as they described different countries and some of the places they had seen. Being with the Lawrences, listening to them, stirred up a curiosity in Rachel that she hadn’t felt in years.

  That was what troubled her now. Her life wasn’t about traveling and asking questions, or eating fancy food in fancy dining rooms. It was about service and family and community. She feared she had allowed herself to be drawn in by what were, in fact, strangers in the course of only one day. She felt disobedient and disloyal to her parents.

  She leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. There was no way to straddle these two worlds. It was impossible. She couldn’t be Amish and English. She had to choose.

  The list of sins Rachel knew she was committing continued to grow. She hadn’t drawn a true picture for her family here of her visit to New York; she hadn’t confessed to her inappropriate questions and interest in the worldly pursuits of the Lawrences; worst of all, she was hiding the most important fact.

  She wanted to go back to see them again.

  Chapter 14

  Ellie slung the gym bag containing her tennis gear and racket over her shoulder and started walking downtown in the direction of her apartment. She wanted to enjoy the summer evening for a while instead of getting right into a cab or the subway. Tonight, there had been a few moments when she thought she might confide her situation to Samantha, whom she had known for over two years. In the end, she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Samantha was an acquaintance through work, a publicist for a movie distributor, and their relationship hadn’t ever progressed much beyond the tennis and an occasional quick bite of dinner afterward. Which left Ellie still frustrated by her inability to get an outsider’s view on her peculiar situation.

  She fished her cell phone out of her purse and tapped on the screen a few times. Still walking, she listened to the ringing on the other end. She was relieved when her brother picked up.

  “You’re there,” she said.

  “I am indeed. What’s up?”

  “What? What on earth do you think is up? You never called me after your big lunch with Rachel King. Or Rachel Yoder, I guess it is.”

  “I didn’t know you were waiting for a call from me.”

  “Nick,” she said in exasperation, “you didn’t think I wanted to hear from you? Like it’s an everyday occurrence, meeting your new sister.”

  “Didn’t you talk to Mom and Dad?”

  “I avoided their calls today. I know, I know. But I wanted to hear from you and A.J. first. And she’s not answering her phone.”

  There was no answer.

  “Nick?”

  “I’m here. I guess I feel kind of weird, being the one to explain such a big deal.”

  “I won’t hold anything against you. Tell me how it went.”

  “Ellie, don’t make me do this. You could have seen it all for yourself if you’d shown up. Why didn’t you?”

  She ignored the question. “Come on. It’s not such a big deal for you to tell me.”

  He gave up. “Oh, all right.” He paused, thinking. “At first, it was strange and awkward. Then, somehow, everybody seemed to relax. We talked a lot. Everyone liked everyone else quite a bit.”

  Ellie wasn’t prepared for such an upbeat report, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. “What did she act like?”

  “You’ve met her. She was nice.”

  Ellie didn’t voice the thought that Rachel hadn’t actually been all that nice during Ellie’s visit.

  “We must have freaked her out when she was introduced. I could see how uptight she was, sitting in the living room. But, I have to give her credit, she got over it. She was genuinely interested in Mom and Dad’s traveling, and they, of course, ate that up. They were able to trot out all those old stories we’ve heard a million times.”

  “She was interested in their vacation stories?”

  “Well, that was just one thing. She wanted to hear about what A.J. and I did for a living. Our jobs seemed to fascinate her. Obviously, they don’t do anything like what we do.” He laughed. “They actually produce things, instead of just talking about them.”

  “Did anybody comment on how much she looked like you guys?”

  “Oh, wow, how freaky was that? After she left, we all talked about it. Mom was especially thrown by it.”

  “Like the one that got away, this daughter.” She wished she could take back the words as soon as she said them. She didn’t want to sound petulant, or as if she was jealous.

  Her brother immediately sounded contrite. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. And, hey, it had nothing to do with you. It was a big shock. She said you looked exactly like her family in Pennsylvania. Is that true?”

  She stopped at a curb to wait for a red light to change. “Yes, it is. The sisters, and especially the youngest brother. The mother is me, but older.”

  “Incredible.”

  Ellie crossed the street, barely avoiding banging into a man who was walking with his head down. “You have no idea.”

  “So, what else? Oh, she brought Mom a pillow that she made. I think she likes to laugh. She wasn’t exactly cracking jokes, but after she relaxed, you could kind of tell she enjoyed the kidding and stuff around the table. Not that we were kidding her. Each other, I mean.”

  Ellie thought back to the grim feelings she had had during her lunch at the King farm. Not much laughing going on there.

  “How did A.J. take to her?”

  “She liked her, definitely.”

  “And Mom and Dad?”

  He hesitated. “Sure, they liked her fine.”

  “Nick? Come on.”

  “Look, they just discovered they had another child. They were pretty excited. And she has a daughter, too. The much-longed-for grandchild! It was huge for them.”

  “Oh.”

  “Ellie, are you upset?”

  Her voice was quiet. “No.”

  “You are! I knew I shouldn’t have had this conversation with you.”

  “No, no, I appreciate it. I’m fine, really. It’s a lot to deal with, that’s all.”

  “Of course it is! For everybody. I mean, you most of all, obviously. But none
of us knows how to handle this. We don’t know how to be, what to expect. Are we going to see this new family member all the time, or just exchange Christmas cards, or what? What are you going to do?”

  “I wish I knew.”

  “How did you feel about your other family? I never heard anything other than that you met a bunch of people.”

  Ellie stiffened. “Sorry, I’m getting another call and I have to take this. Talk to you later.”

  “But—”

  “It’s work. Gotta go. Bye!”

  She tapped the phone’s screen to end the call, and put it back into her purse. She felt bad about hanging up on her brother, but she wasn’t prepared to discuss the Kings with him. The disappointment she felt over her lack of rapport with them was growing stronger each day. She didn’t know if she was disappointed with them or herself for being unable to see past the surface differences. Not that those differences were so minor, she said to herself; they couldn’t be much greater. Still, the letdown of that meeting had left her unhappy and out of sorts. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she couldn’t bear to see Rachel make a success of her equivalent moment.

  She shifted the heavy gym bag to her other shoulder. That bit of jealousy, she thought, was only one on a list of horrible feelings she had to admit to. Let’s really lay it all out, she told herself. For starters, she didn’t want her parents to decide they loved this new daughter more than they loved her. Nor did she want her siblings to transfer their loyalty to their real sister. Nor did she want everybody thinking she was an unimportant interloper about whom they could now happily forget. Ellie had a powerful urge to get down on her hands and knees and pound her fists on the sidewalk, shouting, “Get away from my family! They’re mine, not yours!”

  Her cell phone played the first notes of “Bad to the Bone.” Jason. She ignored it. He had called several times since the dinner when she left him on the sidewalk outside the Japanese restaurant. The first few times she claimed to be busy when he asked to see her, but he refused to be deterred. She found it doubly annoying that he had been indifferent to her for so long, but was suddenly longing to be with her as soon as the situation was reversed. She was glad to be rid of him.

  Which left her where? she wondered. Did she have any attachments that were much deeper than Jason’s? Keeping so busy with her job had allowed her to ignore the truth about how few people she was close to. Now this other woman was descending upon her family from out of the blue, displacing Ellie from her position as eldest daughter and sibling.

  Feeling increasingly sorry for herself, Ellie lost interest in what had started out as an enjoyable walk, and ducked into the nearest downtown subway. Back in her apartment, she took a shower, threw on a robe, and sat down to comb out her wet hair.

  This is ridiculous, she told herself. She was wallowing in self-pity and paranoia. There was no reason to think anybody was trying to replace her, or that her family would forget she was alive at the first opportunity. If this other Rachel was going to find a way to connect with her biological family, then Ellie needed to take a lesson from her. Maybe they hadn’t made a connection during that first visit, but that didn’t mean she should give up.

  Ellie put down the comb. She knew what she had to do. It was the only way she would ever find out who she really was.

  Chapter 15

  Ellie could feel her heart beating faster as she ripped open the envelope from Leah King, wondering what she would find written inside. She had mailed a letter to Leah, asking if she could stay with the family for a week. In it, she explained that she didn’t want them to treat her as a guest, but instead to let her be a useful part of the household. Here she was, holding the answer in her hand, yet she wasn’t sure if she was hoping for a yes or no.

  Leah had used the same plain white paper she’d written on the first time. Now, though, the tone was friendly, if still proper. Ellie was welcome to come; they had been looking forward to another visit, and this would be a chance to get to know each other better. It was signed “Best Regards.”

  She couldn’t help wondering if anyone other than Leah was truly looking forward to another visit. Every time Ellie thought about how she’d acted the first time she’d been there, she felt even more uncomfortable about her behavior and the reactions she had received from the King relatives. She was pretty sure the others hadn’t much liked her. And they had good reason to feel that way. Looking back, she could see how guarded she had been. Even worse, she had shown actual disdain toward their house, their food—toward them, in fact. Which was because she had felt actual disdain.

  The question, she asked herself, was why? It wasn’t like her to look down on things or people she didn’t understand. Apparently, she hadn’t been able to face how scary it was to meet the strangers who were really her family. She had retreated behind snobbery to protect herself. The realization was mortifying.

  The next morning, she headed straight to her boss’s office to tell him she would be taking vacation the first week of August. The timing couldn’t have been better. No explanation was necessary in midsummer. She had completed whatever advance work had to be done for events in the fall, and August was a dead month at the office. Everyone in the business was on vacation as well.

  Robert Clark had a large office, decorated with plush leather chairs, a conference table, and a gleaming black desk with a silver computer screen and little else except a tall vase containing a single, exotic flower in it, always white, a different one each week. Ellie stuck her head inside his office door. As usual, he was wearing a perfectly fitted dark suit, looking polished and impeccably dressed. Robert was well liked in their business, driven, but professional and good-humored.

  He was standing behind his desk, looking through a sheaf of papers. Ellie said a quick good morning, and informed him of her plan.

  “Okay, as long as everything is nailed down here while you’re gone,” he said without looking up. “Could you tell Barry to come in here?”

  She ducked back out into the hall. Now she was truly committed. One way or another, she would be getting to know the Kings and the world they inhabited.

  Over the next few weeks, she grew increasingly nervous about the trip, fearing she was making a mistake, that she would feel trapped if she wanted to leave. She didn’t know what accommodations she would have to make to live as they did, and hoped she could handle it.

  Several days before she was due to leave, she called her mother, and shared her fears. Nina reassured her.

  “We’re all stunned by this, sweetheart. And confused. This sort of situation would be impossible for anyone to deal with. That they’re so different from us, from anything we know, means we have to figure things out as we go along.”

  “I don’t know, Mom. Rachel at least knows how to deal with people who aren’t Amish. I’m at sea here,” she said. “I feel like a fool, not knowing what to say or how to act.”

  “It’s not easy. But since when did I teach my children to shy away from difficult things? More to the point,” she added, “it might well turn out to be wonderful. These people have been nothing but nice to you. You’re more likely to be gaining a second, fascinating family.”

  “Right,” Ellie said, far from convinced.

  At last, the Monday she was scheduled to begin her visit arrived. She realized her toned-down but expensive outfit last time had been a mistake, so she put on jeans and sneakers. She packed a few pairs of pants, and several longer skirts and dresses that she bought specifically for this visit; summer heat or not, she assumed no one there would appreciate her shorter hems. She rejected tank tops and sleeveless shirts, opting for items with a more modest cut that covered her shoulders. Beyond that, she wasn’t sure what else to bring, so she tossed the suitcase into the trunk of yet another rented car and crossed her fingers.

  When she pulled up to the house in the midafternoon, she saw three women off to one side of the backyard, hanging laundry on a long line. They turned at the sound of her car coming up the driveway
. Ellie could make out Rachel and her mother, Leah, as they put down the garments in their hands to come greet her. A small black dog appeared from far away, barking excitedly as it raced toward her.

  Rachel got there just ahead of her mother. “Welcome.”

  Ellie, getting out of the car, was surprised at the friendliness in Rachel’s voice. “Thank you. It’s nice to see you again.”

  The dog proceeded to jump up and down, vying for Ellie’s attention.

  “Noodle, down!” Leah was shaking her head. “He’s always like this with new people.”

  Ellie bent over to pet the dog, who stopped jumping to get scratched behind the ears. “Hey, Noodle. Hey, boy.” She straightened up. “What a sweet face he has.”

  “And he knows it,” Rachel said. “He’s full of mischief, but gives you the big eyes, trying to get out of it.”

  Leah took one of Ellie’s hands in hers, giving her a broad smile. “It’s good that you have come.”

  By now, the other woman by the laundry line was approaching. Ellie recognized her as Rachel’s sister, Sarah.

  “Have you come to help with the laundry?” she asked, smiling.

  “Well, why not? Just show me what I have to do. As I said in my letter, I want to do whatever everybody else does.”

  A smiling Leah hooked one arm through Ellie’s, and led her back in the direction of the wet laundry. “Good. We will work and talk. That’s always best.”

  Ellie saw that every item had been neatly attached to the line with wooden clothespins, the men’s pants together, then the boys’, women’s dresses next to girls’ dresses and so on. She admired the picturesque effect, like a family standing in a row. Leah handed her several clothespins and two ends of a wet sheet. She held the other two, and they stretched it taut before attaching it to the line.

  They passed the rest of the time exchanging small talk, but Ellie was far more comfortable hanging out wet pillowcases than she had been sitting in their living room. She found she was better able to pay attention to what they were saying, less consumed by her own distracting thoughts. She got the sense that, even though they all didn’t share one house, the siblings spent a great deal of their time together.