“I’m not trying to hurt you, Fallon!” Sean scratched his head, letting out a groan of frustration. “I promise you, that’s the last thing I want to do. I’m trying to… dammit, I’m trying to protect you. Protect both of us, after what we’ve been through. You’ve been hurt, so have I. You’ve been betrayed, so have I. You’ve loved somebody that didn’t reciprocate that… and so have I. You’re right, it doesn’t fucking feel good. And I don’t want to go through that again. That’s why I think we need to pump our brakes here.”
A deep, hollow ache that had nothing to do with fibroids swept through me, and my eyes burned with tears. He was right, and I knew it, but it didn’t make it hurt any less to know that he didn’t want to feel for me any deeper than he already did. He didn’t even want the feelings he had now, and that made another pang ring in my chest. Because… what the hell was I supposed to do? Where the hell did we go from here?
“You’re right,” I said, my voice choked with emotion. “This wasn’t a good idea. I wasn’t over my breakup, you were still getting over your divorce. Neither of us is ready to be in another relationship, so… this is probably for the best.”
Sean’s eyes went wide. “What’s probably for the best?”
“Leaving this here, where it is. I can’t just turn my feelings off, Sean, so if you don’t feel comfortable, you don’t want to do this, I’m not going to try to change your mind about it. So… we can just call this the end.”
“Wait a second, I’m—”
His words got lost in static as another cramp hit me, and I leaned forward, clutching my stomach. A second later, I felt the warm strength of his arms around me, heard him asking if I was okay, and I melted into him, because just like I’d thought, his touch made me feel better.
And then I remembered the context of the moment.
The pain subsided, and I shook him off, but he put his hand on my shoulder again.
“Don’t,” I said, moving away again. Him comforting me, touching me, only made the situation worse than it was.
“Fallon,” he said, withdrawing his hands. “Don’t be like this…”
“Don’t be like what?” I wiped tears from my face, then stood up, heading to the door and hoping he would follow. I was halfway there when yet another cramp hit me, stopping me in my tracks, and I doubled over in pain. Again, Sean tried to comfort me, and I fought him away. “Just… go, please.”
He reached for my hand. “Fallon, please,”
“Please what?!
“Listen to me! I’m not saying I don’t want to be with you, I just want us to take it a little slower than we have—”
I shook my head, holding up a hand to get him to stop. “Sean, just leave,” I said, as the echo of a cramp made me cringe again. My painkiller was wearing off, and I was starting to feel an ache in my lower abdomen that was only getting worse. “I… I can’t talk about this, anymore. I need you to go.”
Sean pushed out a heavy sigh, then nodded as he opened the door. He turned in the open door frame, to meet my eyes. “Fallon… I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” I said, with a curt nod. “Me too.”
I closed the door behind him with a sharp click, then turned the lock.
Somehow, I made it up to my room before the tears started.
“I’m not hungry, mama, please.”
“You need to eat, because in an hour you won’t be able to, until after your surgery.”
I clamped my mouth shut, dodging the forkful of chicken and dressing my mother was aiming at me. I felt like an uncooperative baby, trying to avoid being force-fed by my over-zealous mother. Even though I was grown as hell, it wasn’t like I could really say what I wanted – Goddamnit, I’m full, I can’t eat anymore, leave me the hell alone.
I mean… this was my mother.
I loved this lady like I loved air, so I didn’t want to offend her, but she was doing too much. But… then again, I’d known she was going to do too much when I called her, so this was my own fault.
But what else was I supposed to do?
This time, as opposed to the break up with Ray, I needed my mama.
In the three days since my trip to Dr. Morris, I’d had that MRI, where the fibroid was confirmed, and it was discovered that it was twisted so bad that it was actually dying. Therefore, it had to come out. I’d never had surgery before, not a tonsil, not an appendix, nothing. Even though it would be laparoscopic – tiny incisions, tiny camera, surgeon looking at my insides via video monitor – I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t concerned.
Oh, and yeah…
There was the whole matter of being emotionally devastated.
I was trying my best to just focus on my health, and not think about Sean, but that proved to be impossible. I hadn’t realized the depth of my feelings for him because I’d been focused on just enjoying our time together, but now that we were basically done? He was ever-present in my thoughts.
“You ready to tell me about this man or not?” my mother asked, lifting an eyebrow at me as she placed the fork back down on the plate. I narrowed my eyes at her, and she smiled in response. “Fallon, I’ve been your mother for thirty-four years, little girl. You think I can’t see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice when you’re heartbroken?”
I shook my head, even though a little smile tried to spread over my mouth. “I can’t talk about this with you mama.”
“Why the hell not?”
I let out a huff. “Because. Every time I’ve ever tried to talk to you about a guy, you rant about everything I’m doing wrong. You try to get me to let you “find me a good husband”, or send Donnie to beat somebody up, or daddy to threaten somebody with a gun. Or something else to undermine the fact that I’m a grown woman, capable of making and learning from my own mistakes.”
“I’m your mother, Fallon. Of course I want to protect you from being hurt.”
I rolled my eyes, remembering that Sean had made the same claim. “I wish so many people didn’t think I was incapable of managing my own heart. I’m a big girl. I understand that sometimes you have to risk being hurt if you want to find love. Those lessons are how you learn what you really want, and what matters.”
My mother stared at me for a long moment, then gave an approving nod. “Okay. So… maybe you do know a little something.”
“I’m thirty-four,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve dated, I’ve loved, I’ve been dumped, and I’ve done the dumping. I’ve had lots of sex, some good and some bad. I’ve lived mama. I’m not a little girl.”
She smiled a little. “Alright then, not a little girl. You want to have a grown up conversation with your mama? Let’s go.”
I lifted an eyebrow. “For real?”
“For real,” she nodded. “I sent your brother and your daddy to the store for a whole long list, they won’t be back for a while. It’s just us. Tell me about this little bo— this man. Tell me about this man.”
“Well…,” I said, then let out a deep sigh. “We met right after the thing with me and Ray. His name is Sean, and he’s the one who did all the work on the house for me.”
“He did a beautiful job, Fal. Your home is gorgeous.”
I nodded. “Thank you. And yeah, he did. But, um… we had chemistry. Really nice chemistry, and we kind of became friends. And then… we kind of became more.”
“As it always happens.”
“Yeah,” I laughed. “Yeah, I guess so. But, we just had this… this connection, that was undeniable, you know? It was hot, and intense, and the sex was amazing,” – I ignored the comment she made under her breath about me being fast – “and we laughed, and we talked, and…”
“And, you started falling in love with him.” My mother looked at me with a wise, knowing smile, and I nodded my agreement.
“Yep. Started falling in love with him.”
I’d never admitted that, not even to myself, but I guess it made sense. Of course I’d fallen in love with someone who wasn’t interested in being with me like that.
I blinked back sudden tears. “Because that’s exactly how I feel. He came to me, three days ago, to tell me he thought we were moving too fast. To say that he wanted to slow down.”
“And… you can’t, because your feelings for him are already too deep for that.”
I nodded. “Yeah. So, instead of “slowing things down”, I basically told him we should just cut our losses, and call it done.”
My mother sucked her teeth. “And why the hell would you do that?!”
“Because what else could I do, mama? Never again do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want me the same way I want them. I was okay with not defining things, because we were both a little fragile, but seriously? Our relationship wouldn’t have survived the “pumping the brakes” he was talking about. I’d always be concerned that I was pressuring him, being overbearing, pushing too hard when we were supposed to be taking it slow. I don’t want to live on egg shells.”
“Well,” she sighed. “I can definitely understand that. Why do you think he decided things needed to be slowed down?”
I shrugged. “He’s divorced. He’s been hurt before. Maybe I was getting too clingy. Maybe he could tell the way I felt about him, even before I knew. Maybe it freaked him out.”
She nodded, biting her lip as a thoughtful expression passed over her face. “Or maybe… his feelings “freaked him out”, as you young folks say.”
“I don’t know,” I said, yawning a little as my eyelids drooped low. I’d taken another painkiller before I ate, the last time I could before the surgery, and it was quickly starting to take effect. “I just wish it hadn’t happened.”
“Wish what hadn’t happened?” My mother asked, helping me up from my chair. I leaned against her as she led me out of the kitchen, and up to my room. “You wish you hadn’t met him? That you’d never gotten involved? You regret what you had with him?”
I frowned as she helped me into bed, then tucked the covers around me. “No. Sean was… everything. Why would I regret loving him?”
“So what do you regret, baby girl?” She sat down beside me, and I closed my eyes as she stroked my hair.
“I… I regret that it’s over,” I mumbled, struggling against the effects of the painkiller to hold on to consciousness.
Through barely-open eyes, I saw my mother smile at me as she cupped my face in her hands. “Then you’re lucky, Fallon. Because who says it has to be over?”
Twelve.
It must have been all over my face.
As soon as I hit the door of the barbershop, Carter motioned for me to head to the section near his chair, where Roman was already sitting, getting lined up.
“Sean, my man, what’s wrong with you?” he asked as I dropped into the empty seat, leaning my head back against the wall. “Hairline messed up, beard growing all wild all over your face… what’s going on?”
“He fucked around and pulled a Carter,” Nixon said as he walked up to join us, slapping hands with everybody before taking the seat beside me.
Carter stopped his work on Roman’s hair, raising an eyebrow. “A… me?”
“Yeah. Got into one of those friends with benefits situations, messed around and caught feelings, got scared, and broke it off. Now he’s sick about it. Sound familiar?”
Carter chuckled, shaking his head as he went back to what he was doing. “Man, fuck you. So what happens when you pull a Nixon?”
“You refuse to marry your girl, then spend years being sick cause she married somebody else,” Roman answered, with a grin at Nix.
Nix scoffed. “Don’t forget that you get her back though. Can’t be leaving shit out. Oh, wait – that’s pulling a Roman. Don’t tell your girl your kid’s mother is your roommate, don’t tell her she tried to fuck, so on and so forth, you get it. Right?”
Roman laughed. “Okay, you got me. We’ve all fucked up, and had to work to get the girl back. So Sean, my man… welcome to the brotherhood.”
“Seriously though,” Carter said. “You didn’t really pull a… me… did you? Cause dude, I promise you… you’ll never live it down. You know Viv still brings that shit up every once in a while?”
Nixon sucked his teeth. “Shit must run in the family, because let Charlie get pissed…”
“Well hell, they must all be related, cause Simone will go smooth the hell off and ask if I picked up any secret baby mama roommates in a heartbeat,” Roman added. “So expect to hear about this shit for years to come.”
“Right,” Nix said. “Just be ready to shut her down. I remind Charlie that she conveniently forgot to tell me she was still married when we started playing house again. She drops the topic immediately. Or… you can just take that heat sometimes, and be glad she took your ass back so she could get on your nerves.”
Carter laughed as he started brushing the errant hairs from Roman’s head and face. “Yeah, it’s option two around my household. I don’t have that kind of ammo.”
“Me either man, I wish,” Roman snickered. “All I can do is scratch my head and wait for the shit to be over.”
Nixon shook his head. “Yeah, when she brings up that whole “fucked somebody else two hours after we broke up” thing… I got nothing. All I can do is pray. Please God, let her go into labor or something Jesus. I need you, right now God!”
“Your ass is gonna get struck down,” I said, laughing.
Nix smiled. “But I wouldn’t have to hear that shit anymore, would I?”
We all erupted in laughter, and a few minutes later, I took Roman’s place in Carter’s chair. “Alright Sean. Go on and give us the full story,” he said, as he draped the haircutting cape around me. “Tell the class what pulling a Sean is.”
I chuckled a little, then shook my head. “Well… Nix is right, it is similar to a Carter, but Fallon and I never did the “just friends” thing. And I wasn’t trying to break it off, I was just saying that I thought we should take it a little slower. And she was basically like… fuck that, you know? All in or nothing.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Roman asked. “Wasn’t that part of the problem with Olivia, she wasn’t all in? I would think that Fallon wanting to be all in would be perfect.”
I nodded, then apologized to Carter when he scowled at me for moving my head while he was trying to use the clippers. “It was perfect, it was just moving too fast. I got too invested, too quickly, with Olivia, and I don’t want to deal with that shit again. I just wanted to take it easy this time. Move slow.”
“Bruh, that’s the type of shit you establish up front though. You can’t wait until a woman has already started thinking long term to talk about slowing down.” Nixon shook his head. “You’re lucky she didn’t cut your ass or something.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Talking about Fallon?” Nix said. “Dude, it’s obvious that girl is crazy about you. When you hit your head the other day? She practically ran to the work site, in those crazy heels, to see about you. That whole next day, I bet you didn’t have to do anything for yourself but piss, and if you asked, she probably would have held your dick for you. Am I lying?”
No, he wasn’t, but I didn’t say so out loud. Fallon had doted over me. Cooking and fluffing pillows, keeping my bandages fresh and clean, and not complaining about the TV staying on ESPN all day. I appreciated her for that, but after the revelation of how far my feelings for her went, that level of care and attention only solidified my decision that we had to slow things down.
I wasn’t proud of the way I handled it, but I didn’t know how to approach her about something like that. So I stayed away. She seemed kind of quiet too, so I took it as a good sign to take my time, and figure out a way to bring us onto the same page without hurting her. And somehow… I ended up hurting her anyway.
“So let me get this straight,” Carter said, pulling the clippers away from
my head as he stopped to look at me. “You’re feeling her, she’s feeling you, nobody was putting any pressure on anybody for anything… but you just thought you’d try to mitigate the “L” word ahead of time, and save yourself some trouble.”
I nodded. “Right.”
Carter sucked his teeth. “What the fu—, Sean, dude… wrong! Let me explain something I know from experience – that ain’t the way love goes. If you’re with her, and the chemistry is right, the timing is right, the vibe is right… that shit is gonna happen, whether you want it to or not. So if Fallon is the right person for you, no amount of “slowing things down” or “taking it easy” is going to change that fact.”
“He’s right,” Nix chimed in, nodding. “And just to be real, you and Fallon, compared to you and Olivia, is like night and day. We all actually like Fallon.”
I wrinkled my forehead. “Y’all didn’t like Olivia?!” I had to suppress a laugh as one by one, Nixon, Roman, and then Carter avoided my eyes.
“She was…,” Roman started, then frowned as he searched for the right word.
“A little bit of a word I always have to remind Rod not to call women,” Carter added.
But Nixon shook his head. “I don’t even know if it was exactly that, but… I’ll put it like this. I knew you before, during, and after Olivia, but I never knew you had a sensitive side until Fallon.”
“Sensitive side? What?” I asked, chuckling with everybody.
“You heard what I said, dude. I mean, you got a little emotional about your dad, which I mean… come on, that was your dad, it’s expected. You were angry, and bitter, and your little feelings were hurt about that shit with Olivia, which again, was expected. I was shocked your ass didn’t end up in jail, honestly,” Nixon laughed. “But seriously… you’re out here holding hands with Fallon walking down the street, picking up lunch from the food truck to surprise her, taking her fishing, giving her expensive gifts of custom vanities and shit. You’re a goddamn undercover romantic out here!”
The Way Love Goes (Serendipitous Love Book 4) Page 13
