things turn Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays, trans. M.A. Screech (London: Allen Lane, 1991), p. 968
relational proclivities See Walter, Living Dolls, for an excellent review of such material
how to compromise Anthony Giddens, The Transformation of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love and Eroticism in Modern Societies (Cambridge: Polity Press, 1991), p. 11
domestic violence See ‘School Lessons to Tackle Domestic Violence Outlined’, BBC News, 25 Nov. 2009, available at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8376943.stm, and ‘Teen Girls Abused by Boyfriends Warns NSPCC’, University of Bristol: School for Policy Studies, 1 Sept. 2009, available at http://www.bristol.ac.uk/sps/news/2009/34.html
school buses Susie Orbach, Bodies (London: Profile Books, 2009), p. 112
everyone else Adam Phillips, ‘Insatiable Creatures’, Guardian, 8 Aug. 2009. See also Franz Kafka, ‘A Hunger Artist’, in The Basic Kafka (New York: Pocket Books, 1979), p. 90
them to have Adam Phillips, On Balance (London: Hamish Hamilton, 2010), pp. 1–39
on weddings John Cloud, ‘Americans Love Marriage. But Why?’, Time, 8 Feb. 2007
share of vexation Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (London: Penguin Books, 1985), pp. 68, 163, 69–70
over-forties Deirdre Fernand, ‘Mr and Mrs: The Marriage Report’, Sunday Times, 14 Jan. 2007, from YouGov report, Marriage and Divorce
to be sure ‘Marriage Rate Falls to Lowest Level Since Records Began’, BBC News, 11 Feb. 2010, available at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8510431.stm
their partners US Census Bureau, ‘America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2007’, available at http://www.census.gov/, and Pamela Smock, ‘Cohabitation in the United States’, Annual Review of Sociology, 26 (2000), pp. 1–20, which also notes that 55% of those cohabiting do actually marry
delicious rapture Quoted in Lawrence Stone, The Family, Sex and Marriage in England 1500–1800 (London: Penguin Books, 1979), p. 190
as possible Sigmund Freud (1907), Delusion and Dream in Jensen’s Gradiva, in SE, vol. 9: pp. 1–96 (22)
love to him Ibid., p. 88
Norbert Hanold Ibid., p. 27
the doctor Ibid., p. 90
with mine Sigmund Freud, letter to Martha Bernays, 14 Aug. 1882, in Ernst L. Freud (ed.), Letters of Sigmund Freud 1873–1939, trans. Tania Stern and James Stern (London: Hogarth, 1970), p. 41
the truth Sigmund Freud, letter to Martha Bernays, 25 Sept. 1882, in ibid., p. 47
you will be Sigmund Freud, letter to Martha Bernays, 23 Oct. 1883, in ibid., pp. 85–6
nursery Quoted in Ernest Jones, The Life and Work of Sigmund Freud, vol. 1 (New York: Basic Books, 1953), p. 154
PART THREE: LOVE AND MARRIAGE
by marriage Stanley Cavell, Pursuits of Happiness (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1981), p. 74
and secure Montaigne, Complete Essays, p. 961
the question Alan Macfarlane, ‘Kinship and Marriage Lectures’, available at http://www.alanmacfarlane.com/kin/audiovisual.html
love in marriage See, for instance, P.G. McC. Brown, ‘Love and Marriage in Greek New Comedy’, Classical Quarterly 43 (1993), pp. 189–205
married life Peter Walcot, ‘Romantic Love and True Love: Greek Attitudes to Marriage’, Ancient Society 18 (1987), pp. 5–33
as husbands Quoted in Philippe Ariès and André Béjin (eds), Western Sexuality: Practice and Precept in Past and Present Times, trans. Anthony Forster (Oxford: Basil Blackwell, 1985), p. 124
East today Yossef Rapoport, Marriage, Money and Divorce in Medieval Islamic Society (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2005), pp. 2–6
of ways Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, pp. 29ff.
inheritance Ibid., p. 30
power of his Quoted in Marilyn Yalom, A History of the Wife (London: Pandora, 2001), p. 122
adversity Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, p. 103
happiness L.H. Butterfield, Marc Friedlaender and Mary-Jo Kline (eds), The Book of Abigail and John: Selected Letters of the Adams Family 1762–1784 (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1975), p. 121
companionate family See Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, passim, and R. Trumbach, The Rise of the Egalitarian Family: Aristocratic Kinship and Domestic Relations in 18th-century England (New York: Academic Press, 1978)
Productions ‘Of Popular Discontents’ originally appeared in 1701 in the third volume of Temple’s essays published after his death by Jonathan Swift. Quoted in David Lemmings, ‘Marriage and the Law in the Eighteenth Century: Hardwicke’s Marriage Act of 1753’, Historical Journal 39.2 (1996), pp. 339–60 (p. 339). I am indebted to Lemmings for his judicious analysis of the Actp. 123 the rule Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, pp. 181–2
marriages Quoted in Lemmings, ‘Marriage and the Law in the Eighteenth Century’, p. 347
marry her Quoted in ibid., p. 351
dearest friend Mrs Hester Chapone, quoted in Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, p. 218
Church will do Richard Ellmann, Oscar Wilde (London: Penguin Books, 1988), p. 583
a misery Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, p. 214. For more on this source, see also Norman Scarfe, Innocent Espionage: The La Rochefoucauld Brothers’ Tour of England in 1785 (Woodbridge: Boydell, 1995)
Relationships See Montaigne, Complete Essays, pp. 205–19
abundant Ibid., pp. 209–10
their choice James F. McMillan, France and Women 1789–1914: Gender, Society and Politics (London: Routledge, 2000), pp. 33–4
over it Napoléon Bonaparte, letter to Joséphine de Beauharnais, 19 Feb. 1797, in Rafe Blaufarb (ed.), Napoleon: Symbol for an Age: A Brief History with Documents (Boston: Bedford/St Martin’s, 2008), p. 40
their fate McMillan, France and Women 1789–1914, p. 38
for girls Madame Romieu, La femme au XIXième siècle (Paris: 1859), p. 13
took place Lytton Strachey, Queen Victoria (London: Penguin Books, 1971), p. 92
imposed See, for instance, Patricia Jalland, Women, Marriage and Politics, 1860–1914 (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2002), p. 47 and passim
as a woman Ibid. p. 258
admired Ibid., pp. 76–7
in circulation John d’Emilio and Estelle B. Freedman, Intimate Matters: A History of Sexuality in America (New York: Harper & Row, 1988)
would have been Dearest Child: Letters between Queen Victoria and the Princess Royal, ed. Roger Fulford (London: Evans Bros, 1974), p. 90, and quotes below from pp. 94, 99, 254
substantial part Judith Surkis, Sexing the Citizen: Morality and Masculinity in France, 1870–1920 (Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press, 2006). I am indebted to this excellent book for these insights on Third Republic France
than two D’Emilio and Freedman, Intimate Matters, p.174
an illness Sigmund Freud, ‘Civilized Sexual Morality and Modern Nervous Illness’ (1909), SE, vol. 9, pp. 177–204 and passim
children Friedrich Engels, The Origins of the Family, Private Property and the State, chapter 2, online version http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1884/origin-family/ch02c.htm
me alone Quoted in Judith Thurman, Secrets of the Flesh: A Life of Colette (London: Bloomsbury, 1999), p. 343; and in Colette, The Vagabond (London: Penguin Books, 1960), pp. 226–7
Autobiography H.G. Wells, Experiment in Autobiography (London: Victor Gollancz and Cresset Press, 1934), pp. 464–5
intention Sigmund Freud (1912), ‘On the Universal Tendency to Debasement in the Sphere of Love (Contributions to the Psychology of Love II),’ SE, vol. 11, p. 179
inconspicuous one Ibid., p. 183
parents Robert Wohl, The Generation of 1914 (London: Weidenfeld & Nicolson, 1980), pp. 5–47 and passim
before the Fall Ibid., p. 161
law of novelty Quoted in ibid., pp. 28–9
best wives ‘Good Brainless Wives’, Time, 31 Mar. 1923
female body Quoted in Virginia Nicholson’s excellent Singled Out: How Two M
illion Women Survived without Men after the First World War (London: Viking, 2007), pp. 38–9
over the world Quoted in ‘Women v. Dictator & Earl’, Time, 23 July 1928
out to her Ibid.
as a nation Anonymous, Every Woman’s Book of Love and Marriage and Family Life (Cambridge: Icon Books, 2003), p. 13. Original date of publication unknown
come from it Ibid., p. 17
serious nature Ibid., p. 20
man’s part Ibid., p. 55
risen again Claire Langhamer, ‘Love and Courtship in Mid-twentieth-century England’, Historical Journal 50.1 (2007), pp. 173–96
thirty-one years Stone, Family, Sex and Marriage in England, p. 56
exclusivity Geoffrey Gorer, Exploring English Character (London: Cresset Press, 1955) and Sex and Marriage in England Today: A Study of the Views and Experiences of the Under-45s (London: Thomas Nelson & Sons, 1971)
employment Yalom, History of the Wife, p. 359
all divorces Margaret Brinig and Douglas W. Allen, ‘These Boots Are Made for Walking: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women’, American Law and Economics Review, 2 (1), 2000, pp. 126–9
now returned Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, ‘Marriage and Divorce: Changes and Their Driving Forces’, Journal of Economic Perspectives 21.2 (2007), pp. 27–52. This article provides the best summary of marriage and divorce figures in the US and Western Europe that I have come across
thirty-five Arlie Hochschild, ‘The State of Families, Class and Culture’, New York Times Book Review, 18 Oct. 2009
in 1862 ‘Marriage Rate Falls to Lowest Level since Records Began’, BBC News, 11 Feb. 2010, available at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8510431.stm
the union Louise Carpenter, ‘The Myth of Wedded Bliss’, Observer, 20 June 2010. The article cites a study by Chris M. Wilson and AndrewJ. Oswald, ‘How Does Marriage Affect Physical and Psychological Health?: A Survey of the Longitudinal Evidence’, Warwick Economic Research Papers, Department of Economics, University of Warwick, available at http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/fac/soc/economics/
research/workingpapers/publications/twerp728.pdf; and research by Kathleen Kiernan, Professor of Social Policy and Demography at the University of York
will marry John Cloud, ‘Americans Love Marriage. But Why?’, Time, 8 Feb. 2007
excitement thrives See Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Sex, Lies and Domestic Bliss (London: Hodder & Stoughton, 2007), pp. 122–3, for an excellent discussion of sexual ruthlessness
sexual novelty Ian McEwan, Saturday (London: Jonathan Cape, 2005), pp. 39–40
suits, helps See, for example, John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994) and John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Crown, 1999)
battering me Hanif Kureishi, Intimacy (London: Faber & Faber, 1999), p. 9
homelessness Cavell, Pursuits of Happiness, pp. 31–2
not desire Letter to Olivia Shakespear, quoted in A. Norman Jeffares, W.B. Yeats: Man and Poet (New York: St Martin’s Press, 1996), p. 257
of time See, for example, Bettina Arndt, The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Off Sex and Other Bedroom Battles (London: Hamlyn, 2009)
the pain Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, trans. Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky (London: Penguin Books, 2001), pp. 481–2
language See Susie Orbach, The Impossibility of Sex (London: Allen Lane, 1999), pp. 166ff.
of shame De Beauvoir, Second Sex, p. 265
not less Perel, Mating in Captivity, p. 215
first object Sigmund Freud, ‘The Taboo of Virginity’ (Contributions to the Psychology of Love III), SE, vol. 9, p. 205
the Beloved Emmanuel Levinas, Totality and Infinity: An Essay on Exteriority, trans. A. Lingis (Boston: Martinus Nijhoff Publishers, 1979), p. 254
PART FOUR: LOVE IN TRIANGLES
and death Aeschylus, Aeschylus I: Oresteia, trans. Richmond Lattimore (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1953), p. 47. See Tony Tanner, Adultery and the Novel: Contract and Transgression (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University Press, 1979), pp. 27–9, to whom I am indebted for this point
absolute Ibid., p. 13
feet of clay Judith N. Shklar, Ordinary Vices (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1984), pp. 139, 142
the abyss Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary, trans. Alan Russell (Harmondsworth: Penguin Books, 1972), p. 113
imposes on us Ibid., p. 157
indulgent Tolstoy, Anna Karenina, p. 3
enchaining him De Beauvoir, Second Sex, p. 666
even today See, for example, Daniel Bergner, ‘What Do Women Want?’, New York Times Magazine, 22 Jan. 2009 on the work of contemporary sexologists investigating female desire
with envy Saint Augustine, The Confessions, trans. R.S. Pine-Coffin (London: Penguin Books, 1961), p. 28
destroy it Melanie Klein, ‘Envy and Gratitude’, in Envy and Gratitude and Other Works (London: Vintage, 1997), pp. 180–1
In one such See Ayala Malach Pines, Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (London: Routledge, 1998), pp. 23ff.
but indifference See Sigmund Freud, ‘Instincts and Their Vicissitudes’, SE, vol. 14, pp. 109–40
goodnight to me Proust, Remembrance of Things Past, vol. 2, trans. C.K. Scott Moncrieff and Terence Kilmartin (London: Penguin Books, 1987), p. 1158
coloration Malcolm Bowie, Proust among the Stars (London: HarperCollins, 1998), p. 230 and passim
goddesses Proust, Remembrance of Things Past, vol. 2, pp. 1164–5
happening Alexander Linklater, ‘Dangerous Liaisons’, Guardian, 22 June 2001
permeable Catherine Millet, Jealousy: The Other Life of Catherine M (London: Serpent’s Tail, 2009), p. 42
loves him Sigmund Freud, ‘Some Neurotic Mechanisms in Jealousy, Paranoia and Homosexuality’, SE, vol. 18, pp. 223–5
is love Erica Jong, Fear of Flying (St Albans: Panther, 1974)
marriage Geoffrey Gorer, Exploring English Character, p. 145
over-forties See Deirdre Fernand, ‘Mr and Mrs: The Marriage Report’, Sunday Times, 14 Jan. 2007, from YouGov report, Marriage and Divorce
cheating ‘Most Americans Not Willing to Forgive Unfaithful Spouse’, Gallup, 25 Mar. 2008, available at http://www.gallup.com/poll/105682/most-americans-willing-forgive-unfaithful-spouse.aspx, 14–16 Mar. 2008, cited in USA Today and elsewhere
all wrong For data, see ‘Infidelity: Cross-cultural Perspectives’, Marriage and Family Encyclopedia, available at http://family.jrank.org/pages/883/Infidelity-Cross-Cultural-Perspectives.html
incidences of it Claire Langhamer, ‘Adultery in Post-war England’, History Workshop Journal 62 (2006), p. 105
ten women See ‘High Infidelity: BBC Three’s UK Love Map’, BBC Press Office, 13 Feb. 2006, available at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/
stories/2006/02_february/13/map.shtml. See also accompanying website, bbc.co.uk/relationships
anonymously For one set of figures, see ‘Facts and Statistics About Infidelity’, Truth about Deception, available at http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelit/stats-about-infidelity.html. See also ‘Infidelity Statistics’, Menstuff, available at http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelity/stats.html; and Melanie Berliet, ‘The Cheaters’ Club’, Vanity Fair, 28 Aug. 2009
relationships today Berliet, ‘Cheaters’ Club’
infidelities Delphine Peras, ‘La tentation de l’infidélité dans le couple’, L’Express, 19 May 2009
on-line affairs ‘Infidelity Statistics’, Menstuff, available at http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html
concealment Quoted in Langhamer, ‘Love and Courtship in Mid-twentieth-century England’, p. 103
Guidance Council Ibid., pp. 103–5
one to the other Letter from Sigmund Freud to Sándor Ferenczi, 10 Jan. 1910, in E. Brabant, E. Falzeder and P. Giampieri-Deutsch, The Correspondence of Sigmund Freud and Sándor Ferenczi, vol. 1, 1908–1914, (Cambridge, Mass/London: Ha
rvard University Press, 1993), p. 123
mark of respect Perel, Mating in Captivity, p. 186
a lot worse Zadie Smith, Changing My Mind (London: Hamish Hamilton, 2009), p. 196
to his wife Quoted in Rachel Johnson, ‘Pity the poor (other) woman’, Sunday Times, 30 Nov. 2008
All About Love: Anatomy of an Unruly Emotion Page 44
