Remember Me: The gripping psychological thriller with a jaw-dropping twist.

by Lynda Renham

  ‘Just a drink?’ she asks.

  I nod. Ben is crying. He hasn’t stopped for forty minutes and I feel like I could scream. I push a beaker of juice into his hands and encourage him to drink but he just spits it out angrily and bawls some more. I try rocking him to sleep but he’s having none of it. Helen returns with two mugs of hot chocolate and grimaces.

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with him,’ I say.

  ‘He’s had enough of bloody Christmas shopping I reckon.’

  I nod and lift him from the stroller. He screams for a bit longer and then relaxes in my arms his hand clutching my necklace.

  ‘You want to be careful he doesn’t break that,’ says Helen.

  ‘He often holds it,’ I smile. ‘I think it comforts him.’

  ‘It’s gorgeous, where did you get it?’

  ‘Oh, it’s a Celtic harp. I bought it years ago at an antique fair in London. It was a long time ago.’

  ‘It’s unusual. You don’t want it to get broken.’

  Ben hiccups softly and I stroke his hair.

  ‘Are you all ready for Christmas?’ asks Helen.

  ‘I think so. I just need to get a sports top for Chris. I can’t see anything that I think he’ll like. But then I’m done. What about you?’

  She makes a tutting sound.

  ‘Me? What do I care about Christmas? I’m on my own anyway. Boxing Day I’m at my sister’s but that’s just bloody duty.’

  ‘Why don’t you come to us on Christmas Day?’ I say impulsively. At least that way we can’t go to Sharni’s no matter how hard she tries. Helen widens her eyes in surprise.

  ‘Don’t you have family?’

  I shake my head.

  ‘Chris’s family are in Canada and well … I don’t see mine.’

  ‘How come?’

  Helen’s bluntness has always grated on me and today is no exception. After all, it isn’t any of her business. I force a smile.

  ‘There was a bit of a rift,’ I say. ‘And my mum …’ I trail off. It was too difficult to talk about.

  ‘Oh I’m sorry, Clare, I hadn’t realised.’

  I shrug.

  ‘Will you come then?’

  ‘That’s nice of you. Will it be okay with Chris? I don’t want it to be too much for you.’

  I laugh.

  ‘We’ll never get through a whole turkey just the two of us. No, do come, it will be lovely.’

  ‘You’re sure Chris won’t want you all to himself?’

  ‘No, he sees me all the time.’

  ‘Sharni and Tom aren’t going to be there are they?’

  ‘Sharni and Tom?’ I say surprised.

  ‘You two seem very matey with them.’

  I sip my hot chocolate.

  ‘Not really.’

  ‘Funny about your vase wasn’t it?’

  ‘I really don’t remember her bringing it back but, you know, I do get anxious sometimes.’

  ‘I didn’t know that could affect your memory,’ she says dryly.

  ‘I saw her bedroom,’ I say suddenly. ‘It’s almost identical to ours.’

  Helen looks startled.

  ‘You’re kidding?’

  It feels such a relief to be able to share it with someone and not feel I am the only one who thinks it odd.

  ‘She also has the same lamp as us on her landing.’

  ‘And your haircut,’ adds Helen.

  ‘And my perfume,’ I say.

  ‘Christ,’ she exclaims. ‘Not to mention your kid twice a week.’

  My hand trembles and I put my mug down.

  ‘Chris thinks I’m paranoid about her,’ I confide. ‘But I really don’t think I want her to have Ben any more.’

  ‘I don’t blame you,’ she agrees and I feel more confident about talking to Chris. ‘There must be another nursery you can take him to. Have you asked about taking him back to his old one?’

  ‘I could ask tomorrow,’ I say feeling comforted that Helen also doesn’t think I’m totally nuts. ‘Chris says it’s just because she admires me.’

  ‘But she’s a top photographer with a lawyer husband. I imagine they’re not short of a bob or two either. Don’t get me wrong, you’re nice enough but what can she be coveting of yours that she doesn’t already have herself?’

  I meet Helen’s eyes and we both look at Ben.

  ‘Seems too crazy to be true,’ says Helen finally.

  I nod in agreement.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure she just wants ideas for decorating the house, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah,’ agrees Helen but her expression says she doesn’t think that’s true.

  ‘Anyway, there’s no harm in checking out the nurseries is there?’

  ‘None at all,’ agrees Helen. ‘We should get back, Chris will be wondering what’s happened to you.’

  I release Ben’s hand from my necklace and settle him into the stroller. I’ll talk to Chris when I get home.

  ‘Shall we continue?’ Leah said as she handed her another glass. She took some painkillers from her bag and swallowed them with the water.

  ‘My head aches,’ she says.

  ‘Shall we continue?’ Leah repeats. ‘You were talking about the accident.’

  She leaned back in the couch and rested her head.

  ‘It was my fault,’ she said.

  ‘You almost hit a deer, you couldn’t help that.’

  ‘But if it hadn’t been dark. If I’d left earlier, in fact, if I hadn’t even gone …’

  ‘That’s a lot of ifs,’ smiled Leah.

  She wanted to wipe the smile from her face. There is nothing to smile about. She wondered if she would ever smile again.

  ‘I don’t see the point in talking about it.’

  ‘We need to talk about your guilt. It was dark, that wasn’t your fault …’

  ‘I should have left earlier.’

  ‘Why would you have thought of leaving earlier? You’ve driven in the dark before. You’ve made that trip before. There’d been no reason for you to think things would be any different.’

  She licked her lips.

  ‘I knew that bit of the lane. I knew the bridge was there and …’

  ‘You didn’t know a deer would jump out?’

  She shook her head. ‘No,’ she agreed. ‘There were these flashing headlights and …’

  ‘Can you talk about it and face what really happened?’

  ‘I know what really happened,’ she said firmly.

  ‘The car went over the bridge, you remember that?’

  ‘It hung on the edge of the bridge.’

  ‘The rescue services found the car in the water, do you not remember?’

  She shook her head emphatically.

  ‘It didn’t go over the bridge. It hung on the edge,’ she repeated.

  Leah sighed.

  ‘The car was submerged in water. You know what that meant?’

  She grabbed her bag.

  ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, none of you do.’

  The clock clicked as the hand moved to two o’clock.

  ‘My time’s up,’ she said and walked to the door.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I can see Tom’s Audi in their driveway but our house is in darkness. I park on the drive and kill the engine. I unstrap Ben from the car seat with him still sleeping and unlock the front door. The house is cold and I turn up the heating. Ben begins to stir. I had hoped Chris would take over so I could get a break from Ben’s crying. The clock says five and I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. Where could Chris be? He and Tom must have finished badminton ages ago. I fish my phone from my bag and send him a text.

  I’m home, where are you?

  It isn’t delivered which means his phone is off or he has no signal. Ben begins to cry and I feel the first stirrings of a headache. I decide to prepare dinner and then, if I haven’t heard anything, I’ll phone him.

  Ben cries as I prepare pork chops and roast potatoes. Even his toy car doesn’t appease
him. I check my phone again and see my text message still hasn’t been delivered. It’s now five twenty. The pangs of anxiety are getting stronger and I think of the bottle of diazepam upstairs. I check the notebook and count the number I have taken, and am pleased; my use of the pills has reduced. I feel a rush of relief and hurry upstairs to take one. I check my phone on my return but there’s nothing. It’s now five thirty. It’s unlike Chris not to make contact. Signal is low on my phone and I decide to call him from the landline. There’s no reply. I wrap Ben in a blanket and leave the house. I knock on Sharni’s door and wait. Tom opens it and a blanket of warmth from their house envelopes me.

  ‘Hi Clare we …’

  ‘Chris isn’t back and I was just wondering what time you two finished …?’

  ‘Chris is here,’ he interrupts.

  ‘What?’ I say surprised.

  ‘Come in.’

  He steps to one side and I see Chris standing in the kitchen.

  ‘Clare,’ he says with a smile.

  A sudden anger overwhelms me. For some reason I feel ganged up on.

  ‘I sent you a text,’ I say, my voice hard. ‘And I just tried to phone you.’

  My teeth clench together. How dare Chris make me look foolish like this.

  ‘Oh, I’ve probably got no signal,’ he says casually.

  Ben is screaming and I feel like joining him.

  ‘Hi,’ says Sharni cheerfully, popping her head around the kitchen doorway.

  ‘Here,’ I say, thrusting Ben on to Chris. ‘He’s been like this all day and I’ve got a splitting headache. He’s all yours.’

  ‘Can we …?’ begins Tom.

  ‘No, you can’t,’ I say brusquely and walk to the front door. ‘I’ll see you back in our house,’ I say angrily before striding back home.

  I have to fight back the tears of anger. What is wrong with him? He must have known we would be back by now. Why didn’t he text me? How bloody dare he? I rush upstairs and take another diazepam. No wonder I’m on bloody tranquilisers. Anyone would be if they had to put up with what I have to put up with. The front door slams and I hear Chris calling me. I stomp down the stairs and face him in the hallway.

  ‘Oh, you’ve decided to come home have you?’

  ‘What the hell was all that about?’ he demands.

  ‘Think about it,’ I snap.

  He rolls his eyes.

  ‘Don’t roll your eyes at me,’ I scream. ‘How dare you.’

  ‘Calm down for Christ’s sake Clare, do you want them to hear you?’

  ‘I don’t give a fuck if they hear me,’ I shout.

  ‘You’re making a fool of yourself and you’re upsetting Ben.’

  Ben screams uncontrollably and I feel like banging my head against a wall.

  ‘Why don’t you fuck off and move in with them,’ I shout.

  ‘You’re not helping Ben,’ he says calmly.

  The diazepam start to kick in and I take a deep breath to help.

  ‘How could you just ignore my texts and phone call?’ I ask tearfully. ‘I was really worried about you.’

  ‘I didn’t get them,’ he says quietly. ‘I came home and you weren’t here and …’

  ‘What time was that?’ I snap.

  ‘It was about three I think. I figured you’d gone out with Helen like you said. I went into the garden to tidy the shed and Tom saw me and asked if I’d like a beer. So, I popped in. I wasn’t going to stay long and I was keeping an eye out to see when your car pulled up …’

  ‘Weren’t you worried about me?’

  ‘You were out shopping,’ he says tiredly. ‘Why are you making such a fuss? You were out with Helen so I had a drink with Tom.’

  ‘And ignored my messages,’ I say angrily.

  ‘I didn’t get them. I must have lost signal. I didn’t notice.’

  ‘Too preoccupied,’ I say angrily, dropping into a kitchen chair.

  ‘This is madness,’ he says, putting Ben in his highchair and checking dinner. ‘How many diazepam have you taken today?’

  I can’t admit to him that I’ve just taken two.

  ‘I’m cutting back.’

  ‘Is that why you’re so edgy? I’ll be glad when you see Dr Rawlins.’

  ‘I don’t want Sharni to have Ben,’ I say.

  ‘Not again,’ he sighs.

  ‘Helen agrees with me.’

  He rolls his eyes.

  ‘I’m not discussing anything with you while you’re in this state, especially about anything that Helen agrees with.’

  ‘He’s my baby,’ I say and burst into tears. Chris gives me an odd look and I walk away from him to get some kitchen towel.

  ‘We’ll discuss this after dinner when you’re calmer,’ he says and goes into the living room with Ben.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I try to grab the bottle out of Chris’s hands.

  ‘Clare, you were given a three month supply of pills only three weeks ago. How many have you been taking?’

  ‘I’ve been cutting back.’

  He makes me feel like a failure.

  ‘You’ve been taking more,’ he says. There’s disappointment written across his face.

  ‘I’ve been writing it down.’

  ‘Please don’t raise your voice. I’ve just got Ben to sleep.’

  ‘I’ll show you.’

  I hurry downstairs and grab the notebook. He studies the pages and then looks at me solemnly.

  ‘This can’t be right Clare. You’ve taken far more than this.’

  ‘No I haven’t,’ I say shaking my head. ‘Maybe I’ve forgotten to put it in the book a few times, but not that many.’

  ‘You had eighty-four tablets. There’s only twenty-four left.’

  ‘That’s not possible,’ I say.

  ‘You know they’re addictive. The more you take the more you need.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ I say. ‘I’m sure I’ve been cutting back.’

  ‘You’ve got to get your anxiety under control. We can’t go on like this. I can’t go on like this.’

  The feeling of frustration overwhelms me and I clutch his arm.

  ‘Can we please talk about Sharni and Tom?’ I ask.

  He sighs.

  ‘If you don’t want to be friends with her, that’s fine but I can’t agree with you about the nursery. It’s only two and a half days Clare. Why should we pay when Sharni is offering to do it for nothing? She takes good care of Ben doesn’t she? He’s better looked after with her than he would be at a nursery.’

  I struggle not to clench my hands.

  ‘But what about those things I told you? The bedroom and our lamp and there’s more Chris …’

  He stops on the stairs.

  ‘More what?’ he asks impatiently.

  ‘Didn’t you notice the kitchen?’

  ‘It’s being decorated,’ he frowns. ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘The same colour as our kitchen,’ I say pointedly.

  He rolls his eyes.

  ‘I didn’t even notice.’

  ‘She’s even wearing the same perfume as me too, and her haircut is the same as mine. Surely you noticed that?’

  ‘Yes, I noticed the hair,’ he agrees.

  ‘I saw her study,’ I say hesitantly. ‘She’s got baby clothes in there.’

  ‘Maybe they’re trying for a baby,’ he shrugs.

  ‘You don’t buy baby clothes in advance,’ I say impatiently.

  ‘What are you trying to say Clare?’

  I relax my shoulders.

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t understand any of it. There was a box with the name Nathan on it.’

  ‘Christ Clare, have you been prying through their private things?’

  ‘I …’

  ‘I think you’re becoming obsessed with her.’

  I gape at him.

  ‘I’m becoming obsessed with her,’ I repeat. ‘Surely it’s the other way around.’

  ‘I just think you’re overreacting.’


  He’s silent for a second and then says, ‘Maybe you should go back on your medication.’

  I stare at him.

  ‘You keep telling me to stop it.’

  ‘You know what medication I’m talking about.’

  I look down at the floor.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘I won’t be able to look after Ben. I’ll feel half dead. I can’t go back on that.’

  ‘Get things in perspective and cut back on those other pills.’

  ‘Fine,’ I say resolutely.

  I decide there and then that if Chris won’t support me then I’ll do it alone. I’ll check out nurseries in my lunch break tomorrow.

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘We don’t have any vacancies until the New Year I’m afraid.’

  I try not to show my disappointment.

  ‘You can’t fit him in for a few weeks?’ I ask. ‘He’s no trouble,’

  ‘I’m very sorry. We will have a vacancy at the beginning of February. I can put your name down for that.’

  I shake my head. I have no option but to try Ben’s old nursery. Faye lets me in and I can see her smile is forced.

  ‘I’m afraid Ben’s place has been taken Clare.’

  ‘Couldn’t you squeeze him in?’

  ‘It’s impossible I’m afraid.’

  I decide it is futile to plead and hurry to school. I reach the doors just as the bell sounds.

  ‘Running late Clare?’ says a voice behind me.

  I turn to see the head.

  ‘No, I’m here,’ I say, opening the classroom door.

  The morning drags and all I can think about is Ben. I shouldn’t have agreed to the extra hours. I have a splitting headache from trying to work out a solution. I pull my phone from my bag and check for messages. There’s a text. My heart skips a beat as it always does.

  We’ve had to change Ben’s appointment this morning to 11.30. Please let us know if you can’t make it. The GP surgery.

  ‘Shit,’ I say aloud and the children snigger. That can’t be right. I felt certain the kitchen calendar said Ben’s appointment was next Monday. I’d never have made an appointment for a Tuesday. I can’t ask to leave early. I’ve only been doing the extra hours for a short time. How could I have forgotten?

  ‘Ah, Mrs Ryan thanks for calling back,’ says the receptionist pleasantly.

  ‘I’ve only just seen the message,’ I say. ‘Otherwise I would have phoned earlier.’