by Rena Marks
“What are you doing?” Joy asked.
“Steaming my vag.”
“What? Why?”
Jannie winked. “I’m giving it a deep cleaning. And all these herbs I added—the basil, marjoram, rose petals, lavender, oregano—they induce pregnancy.”
“Does Chautles know?”
“Oh, of course. Just about every one of the big silver guys wants a baby or two.”
Would Rojan? Someday that would be nice…the image of Titi popped into her head. She shook her head until the image dissipated.
“Anyway, I’m here—“
“—to learn of sexual dalliances.”
“Someone told you?”
“Diamond gave me a head’s up…or should I say, a foreskin?” She slapped her thigh as she laughed. “Oh, I crack myself up. Well, here, give me a hand.”
Joy extended a hand, helping Jannie to stand. Her skirt dropped below her knees.
“Wow, is that a thigh toner,” Jannie said. “Mine are quivering like Jell-o. Highly recommend it.” She picked up the kettle and began to dump the contents into the sink. “Good for the face, too. Makes you young and pink all over again.”
Steam rose as she dumped it, and she inhaled deeply.
Finally she turned to Joy. “Sex lesson number one begins today.” She took a deep breath. “What is long and hard and has cum in it?”
“I don’t know?”
“A cucumber.” Jannie laughed hysterically.
“I don’t get it.”
“Well, that’s because you’re still young and virginal. Think about it.”
Joy thought about it, but she still didn’t get it.
“That’s probably enough of a first lesson. I want to get your creative juices stirring.”
“I’m not sure I really know anything.”
“We have to go slow. Otherwise you’ll run screaming from a man. Or, in Virginia’s case, to any man.” Jannie snickered.
“Um, so I just tell my sisters that?”
Jannie nodded. “Keep repeating it, sweet innocent one. The answer will dawn upon you one day like a ray of light.”
Joy cocked an eyebrow. She wasn’t sure if she understood anything Jannie said.
Jannie harrumphed. “I am a mysterious character, full of sage advice for a blossoming young virgin such as yourself. You just have to pay attention. Be smart, Joy, and let the force be with you.”
“I’ll try, Jannie.”
“You know, on my planet, they actually called me Jan of Arc.”
“Oh. Well, thank you, Jannie of Arc.”
Jannie blushed. “Oh, Jannie will do just fine, my dear. I’m glad I was able to teach you something of value. I live to be of service to others.”
“Um, okay. Perhaps I’ll be ready for the second lesson when I see you next.”
Joy left Jannie’s house, more bewildered than when she first came. This sex act was quite the complicated issue.
As she passed the school, a couple teachers waved as they rounded up the children. Some of the Freijians worked the fields beyond that. She wondered if Rojan was among the sweaty, half-dressed males. Unfortunately, the imagery of her spicy sex life would have to wait. She had to get the first lesson to Molli before she forgot an important detail. And, truth be known, maybe Molli could make sense of it.
Her sister pounced as soon as she walked in the door.
“What did you learn?” Molli asked.
“A cucumber is a sexual object,” Joy announced.
“It is? Why?”
“Because it is filled with cum.”
“What is cum?”
Joy scratched her head. “You know, I didn’t even think to ask.”
“Do you suppose it—like the coconut—could possibly get one pregnant?”
“Well, Marcie did nix that idea.”
“With the coconut. Maybe it’s true with the cucumber?”
“Could be.”
“We shall avoid them from now on,” Molli said. “We certainly don’t need little ones yet.”
“Agreed,” Joy said. “Warn the other girls that cucumbers make you pregnant. We’ll banish them from our household.”
A thumping at the door made them both look up.
“Go hide,” Joy mouthed.
Molli nodded, stepping into the coat closet.
Joy opened the door to find Rojan standing on the front porch. He was fully dressed and unsweaty, so he hadn’t been working the fields. It was disappointing, naturally. She certainly couldn’t ogle any other man on the planet. They were all taken.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi. I wanted to see you again. I thought I was going to walk you home from Jannie’s but you left before I realized it.”
“You did?” He was watching her? That had to mean he was interested.
“It’s dangerous out here, you know. Until we find those women.”
Joy nodded. “Where are your other men?”
“Viktel is with Trisha. Baub is with Virginia. And Hekek is sulking because there isn’t a pretty lady for him to protect.” He smiled easily. Good Goddess, was this flirting? Was this man—who was meant to kill her—actually flirting?
There was a soft throat clearing from the closet.
“He can hang out with Mollificent,” Joy said. “She’s ahh, sick right now. But it’s clearing up. Maybe after dinner she can come out for a bit. If she’s not too tired.”
“Oh, there’s one more? That would be perfect. Can I come back this evening and escort you to the motrisse roast?”
“I’d love that,” Joy said shyly.
His eyes gleamed, and he leaned in to kiss her cheek softly. Before she knew it, he slipped away, leaving her standing on the porch with her fingers over said cheek.
Dammit, she should’ve remembered to turn her head to get her lips involved.
“Wow, oh, wow, I do want one of those,” Molli said from behind her, peering over her shoulder to watch him walk away. “But I can’t come out tonight. Are you crazy?”
“No. I have an idea.”
Chapter Three
Rojan:
Hekek waited for him just beyond the trees. “What did she say?”
“Surprise. They have one more inside the house.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I leaned in to kiss Jo’s cheek, and saw her sister peering from inside a closet.”
Hekek’s eyes gleamed. “How convenient. I knew there would be.”
Rojan nodded shortly. “They claim she’s been sick, but she may be able to come out tonight.”
“Sick? There have been no reports of illness on this planet.”
“No.” Rojan stared thoughtfully at the small cabin.
Hekek looked queasy. “You don’t suppose they do have one of those STDs, do you? You said Jo told you she was quite experienced…”
“I’m sure my friend Bajoc would have warned me away from his cousin-in-law if so,” Rojan said.
“Still, I’m listening to hear if they say she has the Snuffle-up-agus.”
“Syphilis-upagus.” His men couldn’t even keep their STDs straight. Not that they ever had reason to in the past.
“I’m not touching this one with a ten-foot pole.”
“You’re escorting her to the motrisse roast, so I can get her sister to myself. I don’t care if this one is as ugly as a hairy, stumpy Puritan, you better show up! That’s an order.”
Hekek grumbled under his breath, but he couldn’t disobey the order.
“What’s going on?” A voice behind them asked.
Both men whirled around to see Tristan, the leader of the planet, with his chubby purple offspring on his shoulders.
“We’ll be escorting the ladies to the motrisse roast tonight,” Rojan said. “So they are not attacked by crazy Puritans on their way.”
“Cuckoo!” His strange dropling made a circling gesture with one finger over her temple, then collapsed on her father’s head. She jerked once, muttered, “Cuckoo,” and played dead again.
> Tristan patted her rounded knee. “I know, it was quite traumatizing for you.”
His offspring did not look traumatized. But she did play it up.
“I’d better get you back to the school to play with the others. We’re teaching her socialization,” Tristan said. “But I must confess, I just have to sneak her out every now and then. I’m happiest with my little warrior.”
“Rawr!” Titi said, and bit his horn.
“Daugh-ter,” he chided. “I told you your teeth are ineffective.”
He wandered off while his offspring chattered back at him.
“Let’s go see how the other males are doing.” Rojan glared at Hekek. He could do well to learn from his crew members, both of whom had turned on the charm and had winsome humans glued to their sides.
* * * * *
“What will we do?” Molli wailed.
“I have an idea. We have to sneak down to the school. Let’s put on a disguise.”
They wore floppy fedoras, sunglasses, and fur coats, which wasn’t much of a disguise since it was their own clothing. But the fur hid their forms, even though it was stinking hot during the short walk through the bright sun.
“What are we doing?” Molli begged.
“I have a plan,” Joy announced. “And should you see Virginia and Tris before I do, let them in on it. We need to seduce the bounty hunters.”
Molli stopped dead in her tracks. “Are you insane?”
“No. If we can distract them, they’ll lose focus that it’s us they’re supposed to murder.”
“You are crazy.”
“I’m not. And they’re interested in us. Rojan was positively flirty when he walked me to Jannie’s earlier.”
“How do you know?” It was true, none of them had ever actually been flirted with.
“He said he wanted to see me. Alone.” She waggled her eyebrows for effect. Molli looked interested, so Joy came in for the kill. “And he said Hekek was sulking because you weren’t around for him to get to know.”
“What?! He did not.”
“He did. He’s noticed his friend Baub is smitten with Virginia, and Viktel hasn’t let Tris out of his sight.”
Molli gave a girlish giggle. Just like that, Joy knew she had her on her side.
“He can’t wait to meet you. Rojan said so.”
As they entered the school, they went straight into the younger student room. Diamond was inside with the Titi and Reese.
“We need a pair of scissors,” Joy said, stripping off her sweltering furs.
Without a word, Diamond pulled a pair from the drawer and handed them over. Joy grabbed a fistful of Molli’s hair and snipped.
“Wha—?” A clump of hair dropped over her face. She stayed stunned, unmoving as if she didn’t want more of the cut hair to fall.
“What are you doing?” Diamond’s voice sounded horrified.
“Giving her bangs to hang over that braid until it falls off.”
“Oh,” Diamond said. “Great idea. Come here, Molli. Let’s angle those.”
Joy looked over at the children, who were staring at them.
“Titi pwetty.”
“Yes,” Joy agreed. Titi waddled over and plopped into her lap, where she could be closer to study the hair cutting. Reese seemed unperturbed and continued to play with his toys.
Diamond continued to fuss with Molli’s hair.
“Look.” Titi grabbed the sides of Joy’s face, and pulled her close to her. She fluttered her lashes rapidly.
“You learned butterfly kisses. Did Pariah teach you that?”
“Yesss.”
“Oh, that’s sweet,” Molli said. “I remember Pariah used to do that to us when we were little. We giggled each night before bed.”
Diamond brushed Molli’s bangs downward. “We can put a bit of sticky water over the bangs to hold them in place. Maybe some salt mixed into the water to stiffen them. The bangs should hold up well until the unibrow finally falls off.”
“Are you sure about this?” Molli asked.
“Maybe you’ll need to wear a veil tonight,” Joy said. “Extra insurance. The kind we replicated for any funerals we may attend.”
“Those are no longer comfortable, since we now have an array of soft and silky fabrics. They’re stiff and itchy. And what if my new boyfriend should want to kiss me? How awkward is that? He won’t know if he should lift it…or if I should. Why, what if our hands bump together when we both try?”
“New boyfriend?” Diamond asked. “Who?”
“She hasn’t even met him,” Joy said. “She’s fantasizing a little.”
“Sounds like a lot. But a veil is a great way to keep him curious…and in his place. He’ll know a forward kiss is out of the question. As it should be on the first date,” Diamond said pointedly.
“Well, okay,” Molli said. “But I don’t want everyone else to get ahead of me. The other girls have these new guards chasing after them.”
“Everything should go slow,” Diamond said. “Each person is unique. And remember, if you’re looking for something permanent, slower moving relationships make longer lasting relationships.”
“We don’t want relationships. We just want to sleep with them. We don’t have a lot of time,” Joy said. “They could kill us as soon as they discover who we are.”
“Are you sure you want to sleep with someone who can murder you?” Diamond sounded perplexed.
“Who else is there?” Joy asked.
“I don’t want to die a virgin,” Molli whimpered.
“Me eitherrrr,” Titi wailed.
Joy turned Titi toward her. “You’re fine. Stop listening to us. Give me a kiss and go color with Reese.”
Titi plopped a wet one smack dab on her lips and toddled off.
Diamond waited until she was out of earshot to speak. “Good point. On that note, Jannie’s down the hall. She has the older kids in session. Maybe she can give you a few pointers.”
“Yay! Straight from the horse’s mouth.” Molli squealed with delight, but Joy tried to hold her smile in place without grimacing.
“Come on,” Diamond said, getting up to go to the hallway. “Oh, you two behave,” she said offhandedly to the little ones still coloring on the floor. “Technically, they should be in the room with the other youngsters,” she whispered. “But they’re in time out. They just can’t keep out of trouble. I’ll put them in the other room in a minute.” She rounded the corner and stuck her head into Jannie’s door. “Do you have a minute? Joy—I mean Jo—and Mollificent are here.”
Jannie stepped out of the classroom, closing it behind her. “Hi, my sexual protégés.”
“I better get back to Titi and Reese in the other classroom. They’ve been alone about fifteen seconds, which is fifteen seconds too long. Toodles!” Diamond finger waved as she entered her own room.
“Hi, Jannie of Arc.” Joy sighed. “Do you have time for a quick, ultra-fast lesson?”
“A lesson. Let’s see. I hadn’t really prepared…”
“Oh, anything will do,” Molli said eagerly.
Jannie thumped her temple. “Got it.”
Molli practically squealed.
“Lesson Number Two,” Jannie announced. “A man’s cock—“
Joy gasped, and looked around. Such vulgar language! It was somehow worse—and somewhat more titillating—than cursing.
“What? You never heard that word?” Jannie asked.
Joy shook her head, blushing.
“Oh. Well, a man’s privates…think of it—“
“It?”
Jannie leaned in to whisper. “The cock.”
“Oh.”
“—as bubblegum.”
“Because it’s pink?”
“Well, sometimes. Not in the case of Freijians. But that’s not what I mean. I mean, it goes in hard. It comes out soft. And it likes to be blown.” She giggled hysterically.
Joy blinked. “Which part was the lesson itself?”
“All of that! But especia
lly the third part.” Jannie winked as if she imparted great wisdom, and wandered away.
“I don’t get it,” Joy whispered.
“Oh, I do. When you get their”—Molli glanced around quickly—“cock out of their pants, blow on it. Easy-peasy. Virginity lost.”
Chapter Four
“Your children look like Klingons.”
Joy winced. It was all her fault.
Titi had gotten the idea to trim face-framing bangs for her and Reese after she did so to Molli in front of them. But she couldn’t tell Rojan that. She’d never pass for a maternal human if he found out she did something so stupid as to leave out scissors where little ones could reach. She wasn’t sure what these Klingons were, but they were not attractive if they looked anything like the two young ones. Titi had grabbed a handful of hair from the front top of their heads and cut up close. The end result was their hairline started further back on their tiny skulls. When the Puritans had first landed, Titi had gotten in trouble for shaving her pet retsli and gluing the roll of hair onto her and Reese for a unibrow. This time, she knew better than to hunt for glue and hair, so she used a magic marker to draw the new unibrow on. Unfortunately her new hairline made the placement of them a bit tricky. She must have realized it was too high, and drew a second line underneath that one. She still thought it too high, and drew a third line directly under that. The lines were nowhere near straight and some of the ink had smeared, so the end result looked like a set of 3D ridges on their foreheads. Then the two stared unblinking at a person with those gaping purple eyes.
“It’s my fault,” Joy said. “I feel terrible. I didn’t make sure I put the scissors away.”
“Yes,” Titi agreed, turning up her little purple nose. “Yes. Yours.”
“They’re normally sweet, good-natured babies,” Joy said, looking pointedly at that one who was unabashedly blaming her.
“Kiss, Joy,” Titi demanded.
“Titi, it’s Jo,” Reese reminded her.
“Kiss, Jo. Jo-Jo.” Titi turned her funny, Klingon-face upward.
Joy deposited a kiss smack on her mouth. A slightly pungent, sharp taste hit. “Have you been eating grass again?” she frowned.
“Mebbe,” Titi muttered, looking at Bajoc and squirming.
Rojan followed her line of vision to his old friend, who looked a bit guilty.
