Stages of Grace

by Carey Heywood

  "Don’t judge. Best burger ever. Besides I drove so you're stuck either way," Ryan says, walking around to open my door.

  "Oh, I see how it is."

  "They have milkshakes."

  "Sign me up."

  "Atta girl."

  The place is seat yourself. Ryan leads us over to a booth. When I ask for a menu, Ryan laughs and points to the wall behind me. Turning, I see the back wall is one giant chalkboard-style menu.

  "How cool," I say, getting up to take a closer look.

  Ryan, clearly already certain of what he's ordering, stays put. The burgers are ordered by size with a million different topping options. My eyes light up when I see artichoke as one of them. I've never had them on a burger before, and it sounds so good. I walk back to our booth, ready to order. Not long after, a waitress comes over. Ryan orders a half-pound, medium cooked burger with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and banana peppers, plus a chocolate milkshake. I order a quarter-pound, medium cooked burger with the same toppings as Ryan, just artichokes instead of banana peppers and a mint chocolate chip milkshake. Ryan crinkles his nose at my topping selection and orders a basket of onion rings for us to split.

  Our milkshakes come out first, topped with whipped cream and a cherry. I have to pace myself or I'll be done with my milkshake before the food comes out. While we wait, Ryan asks me about twenty times how my knee is. The last time he gets the hint when I kick him in the shin under the table doing my best to look innocent while sipping on my shake. Ryan changes the subject and starts asking me about Ohio. I consider not telling him about Jon but feel as though the omission could be considered a lie. I try not to notice how Ryan seems to stiffen when I say I live with my boyfriend. Not wanting to talk about him further, I tell Ryan about my job and the Cuyahoga River, wondering out loud if people kayak on it.

  "So you'd like to go out on a yak again?"

  "A yak?"

  "Term of affection."

  "Oh, I see. Yes, I would, even though I'm not sure I'll be able to lift my arms tomorrow, and I will have to work on my dismount."

  "How does your knee feel?"

  "It's fine. I feel a bit silly you had to carry me and even with my fall I had a great time. The water was beautiful. Really, thank you so much for taking me."

  Conversation ceases for a bit once our food arrives. Hands down the best burger I have ever had. It's so thick I follow Ryan's lead and squish it before trying to take a bite. The onion rings are amazing as well. The perfect level of crispiness. I’m happy this place isn’t a chain or I’d fear for my arteries. I ask Ryan what made him settle down in Florida. It seems somewhat tame after all the places he talked about. It turns out the owner of the house he rents is an old friend he'd done some of his traveling with. They had come up with the idea of the business together, and since his friend is wealthy, he said he would put up the investment if Ryan ran the place. His friend is American and wanted to keep the business stateside.

  "So where's your friend?"

  "Jack pops in from time to time, but he never stays long. Bit of a gypsy. I think he's in Indonesia right now."

  "Do you wish you were with him?"

  "I love to travel, and there are still many places I want to see. I usually try and take one trip a year, but I like sleeping in my own bed."

  "Someday I'd like to travel, maybe go outside of the US."

  "What's stopping you?"

  "Work, money, fear of the unknown."

  "And your Jon? Does he like to travel?"

  I shrug, uncomfortable that I don’t even know the answer to that. While Ryan may think it's a strange, non-answer, he doesn’t push. After finishing our food and paying the check, we stand to leave. When Ryan notices me grimace he talks me into letting him double check my bandages once we are at the car. I patiently sit in the passenger seat, my legs facing out as Ryan inspects my knee. I try explaining to him that I'm fine and that it's just stiff and all I need to do is put ice on it once we get back to Kate's, but Ryan isn’t convinced. I don’t press it; I'm enjoying his hands on my legs too much, wondering if maybe he's making a big deal just so he can touch me. I shake off the idea of him being interested in me; he's just a nice guy. Since my bleeding had stopped ages ago, Ryan finally admits an ice pack is a good idea and looks guilty when he warns me I'll probably have a nasty bruise.

  "Ryan, seriously. Relax. I bruise easy. It's not a big deal. I'm a total klutz."

  "So Grace is not very graceful?"

  "No," I laugh. "I most certainly am not."

  Ryan thinks this is funny and teases me about it most of the way home, asking me for examples of my klutziest moments. I have plenty to share. My story about crashing a Segway on a rogue speed bump almost makes him cry, he is laughing so hard. I can't help but laugh, his laughter is contagious. I stress how much it hurt at the time but that only makes him crack up more, until I find myself shaking with laughter along with him. After I catch my breath I tell him how I had been with my parents and can still remember how angry my father had gotten at the rental guy. At the time, I didn’t have health insurance and had been happy and felt lucky I had not broken anything. I had jumped up after my crash, checking myself for broken bones and said I'm fine, I'm good over and over. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was trying to convince my father or myself.

  When we get back to my grandmother's house, I take a quick shower and change into some khaki shorts and a tank. Then Ryan gets me all set on a lounge chair with an ice pack. I'm unsuccessful trying to take care of myself, and once Ryan tells Kate about my knee, she gangs up on me as well. As much as I fight the attention, I secretly enjoy it, knowing Jon would not have spared my knee a second glance. Once they're satisfied I am comfortable, Kate gets us all caught up on gossip from her knitting group, excited to announce the grandson of one of the members is getting married.

  She turns to me. "When will we hear wedding bells for you, Grace?"

  I flush, shaking my head. Ryan cocks his head to the side, looking at me.

  Kate continues. "Well, why not?"

  "I'd really rather not talk about it." I fiddle with the hem of my tank top, not able to look at either of them.

  "Aw, leave her be, Kate." Ryan seems to sense my discomfort.

  I can tell Kate wants to say something else and am grateful Ryan interceded on my behalf. Kate grumbles and gets up to check the roast she is making for dinner. Once she is out of sight, I mouth “thank you” to Ryan. He dips his head in acknowledgement, but I can see a question remains in his eyes. I don't want either of them to know how unhappy I am. I don’t want to give Kate a reason to worry now that she's found me and the idea of admitting to Ryan that I'm in a loveless relationship is embarrassing. I clear my throat and look away when I see his eyes are still on me.

  Given my invalid status, Ryan helps Kate set the table and bring out the food. At first, they think I should eat where I am sitting so I can keep my leg elevated and the ice on it. I put my foot down, literally, and argue that I can ice my knee again later and had been just fine sitting in a booth at lunch. I win the right to sit like a normal person at the table. Ryan opens a bottle of red wine. It surprises me when he pours himself a glass, having only seen him drink beer with dinner. Ryan confesses he does not like white wine.

  Kate again has outdone herself with the meal. Over my first and second serving, I ask her how she ended up in Florida. She explains that when my mother became pregnant with me my parents moved from Pennsylvania to Ohio. Kate lived with her parents, now taking care of them in their old age. Her father had been a successful businessman and as long as she stayed in their home she had no need to work. My great grandfather died when I was around two years old; my great grandmother three years later. As the sole beneficiary of their estate and still estranged from my mother, Kate had wanted nothing more than to get out of Pennsylvania.

  Tired of the cold weather and wanting to live near water, she decided on Florida. She had friends who wintered there. She had no interest in being a snow bird and
having two homes to maintain, so she took the plunge and moved down full time. She questioned her sanity at first in making such a move. She paused before asking me if I had ever heard of a palmetto bug. I shake my head, looking over at Ryan as he starts laughing. Kate explains they are large, flying cockroach-looking bugs that seemed to be everywhere. I don’t want to believe her at first, but Ryan, while laughing, assures me they are very real.

  Kate made a go of it, though, and built a life for herself in Florida. She didn't have to work but took a job as a secretary at a church. Now, she has a good group of friends, counting Ryan among them. She is also friends with Jack, since they've been neighbors for ten years. Before Ryan lived there Kate was often in charge of collecting Jack's mail for him while he globe trotted. When Ryan moved into his house, Jack made it part of the rental agreement that he maintain the landscaping of Kate's property as well. Ryan liked yard work, and it gave him an opportunity to befriend Kate. She always had a glass of lemonade ready for him, and he could use her pool.

  Once Kate got to know him better, the lemonade got ditched for Belgian beer, and he started joining her for dinner. Kate liked the company and having someone to cook for, and Ryan had never eaten as well in his life. When I ask about his mother's cooking, he admits it's vile shit, apologizing to Kate quickly for cursing and assuring us he eats it anyway out of respect for his mum. Kate just looks pleased he enjoys her cooking so much. Looking at them, I envy their easy relationship and how comfortable Ryan is with my grandmother. It's amazing to me how attached I feel to them, considering I've only known them for such a short time.

  I am already feeling sad that my trip is almost half over. When I leave, Ryan will continue his evening dinners and friendship with my grandmother and where will I be? In Ohio, carefully walking up slippery steps to avoid breaking my neck, sleeping in the same bed with someone I used to love. I ponder if the spark of attraction I feel for Ryan might in some way have turned my senses back on to that feeling. That maybe when I get home to Jon, things will be like they had in the beginning when we could barely keep our hands off each other. Everywhere we went, Jon found a patch of exposed skin to caress, the back of my neck, the top of my knee, the inside of my wrist. I had been just as bad, especially with kisses, never being able to stop with just one.

  There is something about being at my grandmother's house that makes me want to stomp my feet and throw a childlike tantrum and yell at the top of my lungs, “I don’t want to go home! I want my grandmother.” I keep those urges within, but after a piece of chocolate cake, I sit next to Kate as she knits on her little wicker loveseat and lean into her. Since Ryan also drank wine with us that evening, the bottle had not lasted long. He opens another bottle and fills both of our glasses. I have never been much of a drinker and have drank almost nothing in the past year. This being my third glass of the evening, I'm feeling the effects.

  My eyes feel heavy, and I giggle frequently. Ryan studies me as I try to regain composure then asks me out of the blue why marriage isn’t for me. I blurt out, “I don’t love him.” Realizing what I said I clap my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. I giggle as if it's the funniest thing I have ever said, not noticing when my laughs turn into tears. Kate stashes her knitting and pulls me into a hug. Ryan goes inside to fetch some tissues. I shyly take the box from him, wishing to dissolve into the cushion instead of answering the question in his eyes.

  Kate, never one to hold back, delicately, asks. "Why are you still with him?"

  "I forgot how to be without him."

  "Grace, that's no reason to stay with someone."

  I'm now hiccupping as I speak. "I couldn't leave him when he didn’t have a job."

  "So you were supporting him?"

  I nod, dabbing my nose.

  "Is he working now?"

  "Mm hmm."

  "Are you happy?"

  My face crumples, and I am too embarrassed to respond so I get up to go to my room. Before I can make it into the house, Ryan is there, pulling me into a hug. I bury my face into his chest as he wraps his arms around me, his mouth by my ear gently murmuring, “Shhh, shhh.” After a moment, self awareness hits me. I feel foolish and stiffen in his arms. Sensing my discomfort, Ryan opens his arms and places his hands on my arms, rubbing up and down as if trying to warm me.

  I pull both my top and lower lip into my mouth and bite them, closing my eyes, head tilted to the ceiling. I release my lips. "I'm just going to head to bed."

  "Are you sure, dear?" Kate looks at me and then Ryan, then back at me.

  Ryan pulls his hands back, putting them in his back pockets, taking a step back to unblock the doorway to the kitchen. I nod and flee. Once in my room, I pull on my pajamas and lie across my bed to finish crying without an audience. Maybe twenty minutes later, there is a soft knock at my door.

  I wipe my eyes before saying, "Come in."

  Ryan peeks his head in the doorway. "I brought ice."

  I scoot back against my pillows, straightening out my leg as Ryan sits on the edge of my bed.

  "We might want to take the bandages off and let it breathe."

  I nod, reaching to do it myself, but Ryan brushes my hands away so I smirk at him and fold them on my lap. He slowly rolls the leg of my scrubs up to uncover my knee. He's careful as he eases the bandages off. It doesn’t hurt at all until the final bit of adhesive pulls some skin from the sensitive area under my knee, making me flinch. Ryan's hands freeze, his eyes flicking up to the pained expression on my face. It only hurts for a moment, and since the bandage is now off, Ryan looks back down to inspect my knee. He puts his hands under my leg to lift it a bit. His hands are still cold from the ice, and I shiver. He pulls the throw blanket off the corner chair to wrap around me.

  "Better?"

  I know his question isn’t just about being cold. I nod.

  He smiles and wraps the ice around my knee. "You should probably keep that on your knee for at least fifteen minutes. Want me to keep you company?"

  "Oh, you don’t have to."

  "It's alright. I don’t mind."

  "Okay." I twist my fingers absentmindedly under the blanket, feeling very nervous with Ryan still sitting on my bed. I'm not a pretty crier and can only imagine how splotchy my face must look.

  We sit there for a few moments, both of us on my bed. I’m not sure what to say, and he isn’t saying anything. The silence that hangs between us begins to feel almost solid. I start to ask him something. He speaks up at the same time, so we both stop, laughing, telling the other person to go ahead. Ryan insists I go first.

  "Do you have brothers or sisters back in New Zealand?"

  "I have two older sisters. One is still in New Zealand. The other now lives in Australia."

  "Do you miss them?"

  "They were a bit older than me so they acted more like second mothers than sisters. I was a bit spoiled." He smiles as though he remembers something and goes on. "They both have husbands and kids of their own now. Jean, my oldest sister, came out here with her family last year for a visit. Orlando isn’t far, and they went to meet Mickey Mouse."

  "Nieces and nephews?"

  "Yep. Jean has two boys. Um, one is sixteen and the other maybe twelve. Nancy has a girl and a boy. Stacy is fourteen and Adam nine. I think that's about right, give or take a year."

  "Are you close to them?"

  "Jean's oldest had his heart set on moving out here to work with me over the summer. I wasn’t up to it."

  "Why not?"

  "Ugh. That kid thinks he's a lady's man of some sort right now. No, thank you. I'm waiting for his hormones to settle down before I even think about it."

  "No way! He can't be that bad."

  "My sister is convinced he's going to knock up half his class."

  I cover my mouth I'm laughing so hard.

  "You have a lovely laugh, Grace."

  That stops me. I blush, looking down.

  "And now you've stopped. I should have kept my mouth shut."

  I feel like cov
ering my face with a pillow. "Stop looking at me."

  "Afraid I can't do that."

  My eyes flick up to his. There he is, sitting on my bed, flirting with me. I have no idea what to do or say. His gaze is too much for me. I look down and nervously worry at one of my fingernails. What's wrong with me? Why can’t I function around him? It’s like being in high school all over again. God, I'm twenty-five years old. I assumed I'd figured out talking to the opposite sex by this point. Ryan looks at his watch and reaches to unwrap my knee. He shakes the ice-pack as he stands and pauses as if about to speak. Instead, he gives me a broad smile and wishes me sweet dreams on the way out.

  I flex my knee, trying to see if a bruise is already forming or not, but it looked too blotchy from the ice. Getting settled to go to sleep, I think about Jon. Other than letting him know I had arrived safely, we have not had any contact. What is it going to be like when I get home? I only have three more days until I find out. Even though it had just been Jon in my thoughts, I fall asleep picturing Ryan's green eyes.

  ~*~

  The next morning, my knee feels very sore and is a strange shade of purple. I slowly make my way to the kitchen to retrieve the ice pack. It’s still early, and Kate is still asleep. I hope to ice my leg, shower, and be dressed for the day before she gets up. I don’t even know if the ice is doing anything for my knee at this point but figure that it can’t hurt. Afterward, while in the shower, I swear I can smell fresh coffee. Kate's up.

  I wear a pair of yoga pants, happy the length covers my angry-looking bruise. Kate is pulling eggs out of the fridge when I walk into the kitchen. I impulsively walk over and give her a kiss on the cheek in greeting.

  Kate’s face breaks out into a wide grin. "Aren't you sweet? I was thinking eggs this morning. How do you like yours?"

  I'm happy with any kind so she makes scrambled eggs and tops them with shredded cheese. While she manages the eggs, I slice up a cantaloupe for us to share after pouring myself a cup of coffee. As we eat by the pool, Kate asks me if I would like to do any sightseeing. I am happy to go or stay at the house. she seems to want to take me to see the mermaid show at Weeki Wachee, which isn’t far. I try to casually ask if Ryan will be coming. Kate doesn’t say anything, but her eyes dance as she tells me that he has to work that day. I'm confused, wondering how we will get there.