Claiming His Forever (Battle Born MC Book 8)

by Scarlett Black

  Spider

  Violently, I jolt from bed. Sweat coating my skin and deep labored breaths push and pull my lungs to survive. In the pitch black of my room, in the grips of my nightmare, I stare at my shaking hands. But I cannot see if there is blood coating them. My nightmare felt so real, it's as if Solo’s blood has dried on my skin and seeped into my own, a haunting bond between brothers. The Cartel killed him when they came after Kat’s son. There isn’t enough booze to heal the pain of loss. Nothing can replace the guilt of all that we feel at the loss of our brother. Even months after his memorial, I’m still restless.

  In my dream, I was putting him on ice until we could bury him, and it was like a slap in the face. Someone had to do the hardest thing to be asked to do—shut the door on a dear friend and family member. It is never easy and it hurts like a knife to my heart. Today feels impossible to heal from. I didn’t see the threat coming. I didn’t protect them. All of it is on my shoulders, just like my brother.

  I’m whipped back to the past, the day my brother, Jason, died. I knew he planned to rob a store with his piece of shit friends. When he called, I let it go to voicemail. I stared at the screen, but I didn’t stop him. We already started to hate each other. I gave up on him instead of fighting for him. Now, he’s dead. His blood is on my hands. Jason was shot in the back by a store clerk in downtown Las Vegas. It was on the news for weeks.

  Our parents had been long gone. It was only me. Jason only had me in his life, but I was too busy prospecting for Battle Born to be bothered to protect him. It’s the feeling of betrayal I just cannot shake. Even though it was years ago, I vowed to protect the family I had at the clubhouse. I failed again.

  Still, in my dream I did my best to protect the brothers and care for Solo’s body. I cleaned, bandaged, and redressed him. Every step of the way, I take the guilt as my own and only my own. It’s my job. Laying him in the deep cooler, wrapped in a sheet, I shut the lid.

  Shaken to my core, I leave my room, walking on trembling limbs to the shower. The water is scalding hot when I step into it. I need it all off me. Some things we can never shed, no matter how we try. Shutting it down is all I have to survive. My mind is a lost place of hope and deep regrets. The cycle never ends, and I don’t deserve it to. I’m stuck in the in-between of consciousness and sleep until finally I’m pulled back under.

  “Dude! Poor man tacos are ready.” A loud bang blasts across my office door, causing me to jump in my seat. Jolting around, I find Tank and his dumb ass smiling, watching me. I was almost caught passing out sitting here. The fatigue is draining me, leaving me a shell after the nightmares from last night.

  “What the fuck is that?” I growl back at Tank for stopping my heart.

  “Kielbasa sausage grilled with Casero cheese and hot sauce. It’s heaven, man.”

  “Why did you make those?” I can never figure this guy out.

  “Because it’s the only thing I know how to make.”

  “Why don’t you order tacos?”

  “Because these are authentic, cheap, and absolutely delicious.” He makes a scene with the humming noise of satisfaction.

  “You mean authentic shit,” I criticize, because more than normal, I hate the world and it hates me.

  “Brother,” Tank calls before he shuts the door and sits next to me. “We’re worried about you.” He doesn’t mention Jason. No one does. Blade, Tank, and Axl are the only ones who know about any details of my past and my brother. They were there when I buried him.

  “I’m angry, Tank! What do you want me to do? Walk around here like you, pretending that this shit is okay? It’s not ever going to be okay.”

  “Jason died because he made choices, Spider. We all told him to quit and he wouldn’t.”

  “Stop.”

  “You had to let him go at some point. He killed himself.”

  Fury like I never felt before blasts through me like a bullet from a gun. Tank sees my assault coming and braces for the impact. Standing, he puts up his hands to block my punches. I aim for his body, working his ribs and kidneys. His large body falls back against my desk and the crash against the wall echoes. I only get a few more punches before Blade charges inside and wraps me up in a choke hold with his arms. Tank drops his arms and spits blood to the floor. “As I was saying, tacos are ready whenever you are.” He winks at me and waltzes out.

  “Tank,” Blade hollers after him and tosses me aside. “What was that?”

  “Team building, Prez. What happens in session stays in session.” Their voices echo back to me from down the hallway.

  My hands ache and start to swell from the punches I landed. I feel a fraction better, but it’s not enough. Grabbing my keys to my bike, I haul out of the clubhouse. The freeway creates a clear and clean escape for just a short time. Every decision I have made plays on a loop, and what Tank has said, I believe him, I just haven’t been able to accept it.

  The wind howls and calls me in a direction I can't return, the call so strong my body is pulled by an unmistakable force. Solo has been gone close to a year, and I haven’t been able to face Tami. It’s not just my guilt that I need to vanquish, it's checking on her. She has Pawn’s son, and I should have been there for them more. My focus was on getting Cash’s dad out of lockup and back to him. I’m so close to getting what I need, I can practically taste it. Pawn should be released within a week. A small glimmer of pride sparks inside that Pawn can have the future he deserves.

  Reaching my destination, the bike idles in front of Tami and Solo’s house. My hands refuse to leave the grip of the handlebars. My destiny awaits and it’s terrifying. Can I look into her face and survive? Tami must be braver than I am. She cracks the door open and saunters out toward me. “Is everything okay, Spider?” Her words could barely be heard over the engine. Shutting it down, I point toward her.

  “I needed to check on you. Are you and Cash doing okay?” So many words want to leave my mouth. I’m sorry I didn't protect you, or him. I wish things were different. Can I help you? But none of those pass through my lips. Tami tilts her head toward the bench on the porch and forces me to follow. She sits on one side and me the other. She takes her time, as do I, not really knowing what to say to each other, but eventually her cracked voice breaks the awkward silence. “Nothing can be said or done differently. What’s done is done. We all carry the guilt of what we could have done that day. All of us, Spider. But you’re being selfish with your pain. One thing I have learned is that we’re a family unit. You take it as yours, but it’s not, it’s ours, and it is insulting to the rest of us. So stop. Let your family in.”

  My head snaps back from the bite in her words. Of course, Tami is angry. “I never imagined those words coming from you.”

  “Yeah, well, I don't have time or patience for pleasantries, it seems. Cash is down for a nap, it’s my time. Why else are you here, Spider? It’s not me you seek comfort from. You don't need my forgiveness, because there is nothing to forgive. Maybe there’s someone you need that from for yourself?”

  When the fuck did she turn into Yoda? Little Tami who waltzed into our lives as a victim surely did grow and surpassed any beliefs I had about her. Looking down at her, I had originally thought she was a weak girl, but I was dead wrong. Nodding my head, I give her as much respect as I can. “If it were only that simple. You are right though, I know it’s not my burden, but maybe my redemption I’m looking for.”

  Tami snorts very un-lady like. “We all wonder what we could have done differently, Spider. Maybe shit is the way it is supposed to be, and you are the one making it harder for yourself. At least that is what I’ve learned.”

  “Perception is everything.” And for the first time, she made something change. It’s a small shift, but Tami chipped away at the stubborn ideas I held onto so tight that I believed they were right, making it seem not so true in my reality. I’ve been hellbent on watching and protecting everyone, what if all my actions that day resulted in the best outcome? This little slip of a woman pull
ed the string that turned the lightbulb on in my head. Clearing my throat, I said, “If you do need something, let me know.”

  “Will do.” She gets up and turns before walking in. “Sit as long as you need. Let me know if you need anything too.” Tami lifts her smile as much as she can before leaving me to myself and my thoughts.

  The funny thing is, when we fall, we hit hard. Our actions become the maps to our destination, and oftentimes to the bitter taste of regret. There is only one person I wish more than anything I could talk to, that I could hold. I can’t undo my past, and some choices were out of my control, like the deaths of my brother and Solo. My choice to do what I did to Jazzy, I could have prevented, I could have done better. Of all my shortcomings, this was the one that stings the most.

  Pulling out my phone, I bring up Jazzy’s contact and send her a text. I would like to talk with you, or better yet, can I see you?

  If I can see her, can I right my wrongs? There is unfinished business there and I will never rest again until I try to undo the wrong I have done.

  Chapter 15

  About six months later…

  Jazzy

  You know when life is good, it’s really good, but when life is bad, it’s really bad.

  I lied to Spider that night in Reno. I needed him to share my life with me, but at the same time, I hated him. Hated that if I said those words, he would look at me as weak. Hated that he didn't have to suffer the same as me. Hated that I couldn’t trust him. Even knowing everything he didn’t, carrying that burden alone. I could have told him, but rubbing the pain of the loss of our baby in his face wasn’t right. If he hadn’t cared at all, it would have killed me. I wasn’t going to take that risk. I already have enough pain. Would he be angry with me?

  Either way, I was in a losing situation. The relationship we started to grow was smothered out quickly. Why? I don't know what happened. After everything I suffered, I deleted then blocked his number from my contacts and had fallen into a deep depression. It was too tempting to call and say all the dark, hateful things that were constantly running through my mind. Regardless of everything, he didn’t need to be my emotional punching bag.

  The truth was that I lost our baby, and the need for his arms didn’t make sense. We just met each other, but the baby, I suppose, bound us in ways I never felt. She claimed my heart to him forever. It also brought up old feelings of my father I needed to heal from. I couldn’t take care of a relationship when I was feeling crippled with agony inside. I couldn’t care about what he did, it didn’t matter, there was no room inside for that too.

  When the unthinkable happened, Solo, Tami’s man and a brother of the MC died defending the club and protecting the kids who were playing in the yard. I went to see the girls and checked on them, but I couldn’t go to his funeral. I just couldn’t bear the emotions that were trapped inside and risk crumbling in front of Spider. We all needed time to heal, the clubs were shook to their core and the members were holding on. The war against the Cartel drained the life out of us. The only good thing from this all, is that after everything was stripped down, no more secrets and enemies lurking, we could rebuild.

  Except my own secret. Spider didn’t know it, and I didn’t want our baby to be a disruption or a play for his attention. By his actions, he would have believed I was trying to do just that. Or maybe I did the right thing, because had I told him and Solo died, would he blame me for it?

  I kept quiet and I stayed with my mom for a couple of weeks. I could hide there, and no one would see the pain I was going through. My doctor informed me that I was healthy, just nature taking its course. Is he kidding me? My baby was beat out of me! But he doesn’t know that. It was a positive sign that I could conceive again. I wanted to deck the jerk for saying that to me. He has no idea. It’s not even a comfort that Kilo is doing time for a while for a long list of charges. I didn’t care and I don’t want to know. The day he walks free, I will kill him. Even if it kills me.

  My hand stills with the paintbrush in the air, the memories taking me back even when I fight against them to forget the past. The night this all happened. I swallow past the guilt. Snake has tried to tell me numerous times that I did the best I could. If I would have fought even more, Kilo would have probably killed me. I wish he would have, because guilt is worse than death. I don’t care what anyone has to say about that. I didn’t do enough. In a way, I had a hand in killing my own child.

  My hand falls to my side, waking me from the daydream that was really a nightmare. The death of my Angel and the sorrow that has been consuming me somehow triggered my past pain of losing my dad, the grief I experienced as a child coming forward with force. I wasn’t prepared for that. My mom held me, and it did the same to her. I could see it, but I could also feel it. We held on together through it all. I dreamed of my own death because I wanted to go to him. I needed to hold him again. I need her.

  Dropping my paintbrush into a cup of water, I war against myself again. Her words are haunting me. My mom doesn’t know exactly how I lost the baby, and I will never tell her. But she has pleaded with me to this day to tell Spider the truth. Has enough time passed to where I can tell him the truth and not fall apart? I can’t cry in front of him. For him to witness that, it would destroy me. The intimacy it takes to trust him would be too much. But she’s right—he deserves to know the truth. As strong as I am, I’m not sure if I have enough strength to explain and relive everything. My fear is, will he even care?

  Did I listen to her though? No. I allowed the weeks to blend into months, then about a year passes before I have to go back to Reno. Setting the brush in the water, I allow the painting to dry while I get ready to leave. I smile at the beautiful colors on the canvas because it helped me to feel closer to my mom. It also has helped to bring me peace in the storm. I don’t want to go, but for the girls, I find a way to pack for the drive over the hill to Nevada.

  First stop is to pick up Abuela on my way. Fuego asked if I could drive her to the barbecue since I was going. How could I ever say no? She’s my grandmother, she lost her son when my father died. Losing him and her husband hasn’t stopped her from living. Instead, she embraces everyone around her even harder, and we all love her for it.

  Outside the small house located on the property of the clubhouse, she waits at the door with a small bag in hand. My car has been in the shop and lately I’ve been borrowing her car. When I pull up, she beams. Inwardly, I cringe. There is nothing wrong with this car. I just miss my hot sporty ride. Groaning to myself, I pop the trunk and get out to greet what’s coming—my interrogation. After a hug and a kiss on her cheek, I wait for it.

  “Mijita, are you ready to see your cousins?” Abuela asks.

  “I can’t believe how long it's been since I’ve seen them.” As soon as the words left my lips, I knew it was a mistake.

  “And how long has it been?” She goes on for another good five minutes scolding me for not embracing the people who love me. “You know what it’s like to wish they were there. Don’t take them for granted, and on top of that, they can help you, lend you strength while you heal.” And we are on the freeway before she quits with the guilt trip. Even though I wish I didn’t deserve her wrath, she is completely right.

  “Te amo mucho.” I smile sweetly at her, hoping to lessen the fury she has unleashed on me. “Abuela, they’ve had so much going on. I had you, Mom, Snake. We got through it okay.”

  “Well? What about Spider?” she prods, tapping her finger on her arm. “Did you speak to him?”

  “I was going to.”

  “¿Qué? What does that mean? Going to,” she snaps.

  “We started getting to know each other and then, bam, he told me in a not so subtle way that he was over me.” She nods and encourages me to continue. Abuela makes a few mm-hm noises along the way before I tell her all I can or want to at this time. “I couldn’t tell him how I lost the baby, because… I feel it was my fault.”

  “Why wouldn’t the man you care for protect yo
u from that vile pinche pendejo? You need to talk with Spider and clean this up. He is not going to blame you.” The vehemence in her voice shocks me. “Mija, I was there with you. Parts of you, that cabrón hurt, badly. You need to take care of yourself and stay close to your familia. Part of that healing is confronting Spider with the truth. He needs this as much as you. Trust me.”

  Abuela wouldn’t say something spiteful about a club member unless he deserved it. She's also not one to ever elaborate on why either. I wonder how she would feel about Spider’s phone call. I chuckle and she gleams in my direction, both of us so stubborn. Her lips are sealed, and I don’t attempt to pry open what she knows. Her warning is heard though. For some reason, she likes Spider, and I need to clean up my mess. I’ve been trying to do just that, but she is right, there’s no more time. I can’t hide, and if our past has shown me anything, Spider won’t settle without answers.

  By the time we reach the Reno Clubhouse, the barbecue is in full swing. My absence over the chaos has not gone unnoticed and they don’t even attempt to go easy on me. The kids run around the yard, under our feet, and hang onto their mothers. Vegas kisses all over her ill-mannered twins. She allows those little twerps to get away with murder. Kat’s son, though, he's sweet and even tempered. I imagine that Kat was a lot like him as a child, calculating and intuitive. He gets into his fair share of trouble, like now, I watch him slowly grab a brownie off the table and discreetly walk away eating it.

  Dana and Axl’s daughter is such a little sweetie. Her little sundress has pretty flowers covering it and she holds her hand out politely, asking her dad for a soda. You can see the intimacy growing between Tami and Pawn. Since he’s been out of prison, he’s done the work to not only get Tami back but earn the respect to be little Cash’s father. The scene makes me ache all over. It will be a pain that I don’t know if I can recover from. These kids have a family and more than anything I ever knew, I want that too—a baby and a family.