Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  Larry pushed Emile’s head toward Charlie’s face, granting him permission to remove the drink remnants from the beard whiskers above Charlie’s pink upper lip. Larry had already regained control of the drink and took another sip. The three men, standing in a circle, began passing the drink around, then daisy-chaining their kisses as they sucked the sweetness from each other. The scents were scintillating. The intermingling of soaps, deodorants, aftershaves, Kahlúa, black and white musks.

  “Men!” Emile gasped, pushing away with a hand on each white man’s big pecs. “Are we sure we want to do this?”

  Theirs was a resounding “Yes!”

  “Yeah, well, no offense, but I kind of feel like the one black guy from the city who just made a wrong turn into the backwoods,” Emile said. “And that never ends good.”

  “Don’t think of it as a horror movie,” Charlie said. “Think of it as the beginning of a really hot porn.”

  Emile smirked despite his fears and tried to take a moment to consider. But before he could make his own decision, he was being lifted and carried over to Morgan’s sofa, where he was placed on his butt on the soft cushion. Hands grappled with his sweater, pulling it upward, raising his arms to slip the warm knit off his dark chocolate skin. The ridges in his stomach stood out as he shivered. As the sweater rolled off his head, cool air tickled his areolas. His black nipples shrank and expanded all at once.

  “Guys, guys.” Emile panicked, trying to get up and away from the ghostly white swarm, having wicked flashbacks to all the news stories he’d seen since his childhood of lone black men getting brutally beaten by gangs of white men.

  The two mouths that latched on to his nipples immediately awoke his libido to a whole different kind of beating.

  “Oooooooohhhhhhh!” he groaned as whiskers tickled each of his tender knobs at the same time. His back instinctively arched off the cushion, pushing his defined chest upward and his nipples deeper into the two mouths that were clamped on to them. The noticeable difference in the couple’s attacks was amazing.

  On his right, Charlie’s lips engulfed his nipple gently and his tongue flicked over the hard nub. On the left, Larry sucked the entire nipple forcefully and his teeth chomped almost painfully. Emile began to squirm from the stimulation. They had his arms pinned to the sofa. He could see Larry’s white baldness gleaming, could see perspiration matting the short strands of Charlie’s hair. And the smell was so new. It just was. The white men he’d been with had always been lean and virtually hairless, giving off little scent. These two—their aromas were as heavy and powerful as they were. Being mauled like this—it still bordered on frightening, even if it felt amazing. He didn’t know these two white men, knew nothing of their feelings about other races. Was this a power trip for them? Were they turned on by the thought of humiliating him?

  “He’s so fucking beautiful,” Charlie said to Larry once he’d released his oral grasp on Emile.

  Larry looked up. “Tell him.”

  “Sorry.” Charlie looked at Emile, his face flushed. “You are. You’re beautiful. This is just…overwhelming.”

  “Beyond anything we could have hoped for,” Larry said. “You’re incredible.”

  The situation suddenly felt so human to Emile. He asked, “Can I see your bodies?”

  Charlie said, “We’re not exactly in the same shape as you.”

  “I think you’re both so sexy.” Emile rubbed their bulging but hard bellies.

  Charlie reached across and unbuttoned Larry’s shirt. He pulled it apart, revealing a perfect physique, just the right build, not overworked, a light layer of middle age filling it in nicely. Tight curls of black hair formed a thick strip right down the center of his chest and tummy.

  Emile reached behind Larry, who was kneeling beside him on the sofa, and pulled the shirt off completely. He placed a hand on Larry’s compact butt and watched as Larry picked Charlie’s sweatshirt up and over his head. Hyper-masculine was the word that popped into Emile’s mind. Charlie was truly a wide, towering figure, like some sort of quarterback. It appeared he had spent his life working his muscles to extremes in an attempt to get cuts that genetically weren’t going to happen. So instead, he was just one solitary swell of solid meat. His torso, arms, and what Emile could see of his back were covered in a thick layer of brown hair.

  Charlie’s tender green eyes grew shy as Emile gazed up from his crotch to his bearded face.

  Emile smiled. “You’re amazing.”

  Charlie’s expression melted.

  “He is,” Larry agreed, patting Charlie’s head.

  Hands groped at the crotch of Emile’s pants. His thickness throbbed underneath.

  Charlie and Larry leaned in over Emile’s body and kissed, their gruff facial hair scratching together. It was such a new vision for Emile, who was used to the smoother, silkier texture of two black men smooching, or a black man and a youthful white male. He quickly undid the button and zipper on his pants, pulled down his hokey striped bikini briefs (Morgan had given them to him as a gag gift and dared him to wear them regularly), and released his exceptionally long but thin cock, topped by a monstrously disproportionate mushroom head.

  “Look at it,” Larry muttered into Charlie’s mouth, eyeing the giant black head that peered straight up at them.

  They took in Emile’s sex, which he was stroking with both hands, then scooted back on the cushions of the roomy sofa until they were positioned on their knees and elbows on either side of his lap. His hands were pushed away and then a wet, warm mouth was sinking down on him, attempting to engulf him fully. Charlie’s eagerness forced his throat closed, and he gagged. He lifted his mouth off, tears in his eyes, and used the saliva he’d left behind to stroke the shaft. His failure to swallow the cock whole empowered Emile. He was aware that a proud smile of black power was spreading across his face.

  But Charlie showed no sign of white inferiority. He simply pointed the cock in Larry’s direction as if to say, “Here, you try. Good luck.”

  Larry accepted it like an ice cream cone, licking around the swollen head. Emile groaned. Then his stomach tightened with shock. Larry was rubbing his abrasively whiskered chin over and around the head. It didn’t exactly hurt, but it was a severe stimulation that he wouldn’t have been able to stand in large doses. After a quick once around with his chin, Larry embraced the head gently with his mouth and caressed it with moisture. But it was just the beginning of the hard / soft stimulation. As Larry went for a second go-round with his chin, Charlie wrapped his lips around the side of Emile’s shaft. He gummed it wetly, up and down, while Larry played the head games.

  Emile’s whole body tingled. He instinctively wanted to close his eyes and enjoy it, but half the thrill was in witnessing the white worship of his cock. Two mouths engulfed him, working together to cover as much ground as possible. The highlight was when they met for a French kiss—around the head of his cock. Tongues probed hungrily around his mushroom within a moist cavern created by their locked lips.

  “Wait!” Emile placed a hand on the back of each of their heads. They froze in place, moving only their eyes to him. “I’m about to…”

  The mouths backed away slowly as if they were tiptoeing around a sleeping lion. There was way too much fun to be had to risk a premature awakening.

  “I want to taste your ass,” Larry said. He wrapped an arm under Emile’s thighs and proceeded to swivel him around on his back, coaxing a break-dance move out of him.

  The back of Emile’s head came to rest on Charlie’s thick thighs and he was able to look all the way up a hairy, bulging torso. His pants and bikini briefs were whisked off. Now he was completely naked, between two white men who were still wearing their pants. It was exhilarating. He felt so wanted, yet so vulnerable.

  Larry grabbed Emile behind the knees and bent him in half. His defined leg muscles flexed and his buttocks parted. An enticing breeze of air entered his crevice.

  “Wow,” Larry said. “You’re so dark in there.”
/>
  Emile blushed, losing confidence. Was Larry turned off? Grossed out? He pulsed from the touch of a warm, reassuring breath as Larry leaned in and blew gently on his asshole.

  “That’s nice,” he whispered shyly, and looked right into Larry’s penetrating green eyes. Eyes that were saying, “I’m going to make a meal out of you.”

  The tongue that had been on his cock minutes before now ran up his seam.

  “Oh!” he cried at the teasing swipe. Larry smiled devilishly and Emile giggled awkwardly.

  “Delicious,” Larry stated flatly. “Like nothing I’ve ever tasted before.”

  “Can I try?” Charlie asked Larry tentatively from above Emile.

  Emile looked straight up—and right at a ridiculously hairy set of low-hanging purplish balls. And poking out from a mass of dark pubic bush was a plump, short purplish cock, which Charlie was tugging on with two fingers and his thumb.

  “Let me suck you,” Emile offered, and Charlie’s beard curved into a smile.

  Quickly kicking off his sneakers, Charlie slipped out of his pants, then leaned over and steered his plump beef into Emile’s open mouth.

  Emile was smothered by their sixty-nine. Charlie’s large torso pressed completely down on his lean, muscled physique. His mouth was filled by a cock that made up for its minimal length with a hell of a lot of diameter. A rubbery scrotum dropped across his eyes and nose. Two thick thighs hugged his ears. There was hair everywhere. He detected some on the lower part of the shaft in his mouth and his face was lost in a tangle of soft pubes that tickled like crazy. He fought the urge to brush them away. But he was suffocating. He shifted his head between Charlie’s legs until his nostrils were able to break free from the bush. He breathed through his nose. Was it all the hair making this smell so unique? It was so much more pungent a scent than he’d ever experienced from a man.

  Charlie draped himself over the backs of Emile’s thighs, which landed in the crook of his hairy armpits. Emile’s ass split wider as his legs were weighed heavily against his body. Charlie lapped at it with his tongue flattened out to cover the most surface area.

  Once again, Emile noted the two white lovers’ unique techniques. For a short time, it felt as if his entire crack was being painted by a soft sponge and Charlie’s beard was tickling the insides of his ass cheeks. When that stopped, he was ravaged by Larry’s mouth, which latched on to the outer rim of his asshole like a vacuum. Emile felt his entrance folding outward as it was drawn into Larry’s mouth. This wasn’t a particularly good feeling, but the follow-up was. Larry’s tongue darted deeper into him, stimulating the sensitive interior walls of his tunnel. His sphincter muscles contracted then relaxed, unable to resist the incredible suction.

  As Larry released his innards with an audible wet pop, Charlie’s thick, silky tongue was there to quell the ache.

  Emile, unable to actually move up and down on Charlie’s thick shaft, rotated his nearly immobile head as much as possible to get the cock out of his mouth. The freed dick dripped with his drool, so he wormed a hand to Charlie’s crotch to stroke it a bit. He brought his other around Charlie’s thigh to tap on his ass in an effort to communicate that he wanted a piece of it. Charlie, currently holding Emile’s cheeks apart while Larry vacuumed him out again, complied, inching forward on his knees.

  Emile had never seen an ass so chunky in his life. Charlie was a big guy all around, but his ass needed its own borough. It looked like two huge round pumpkins sitting side by side, jutting way out. This white man had enough junk in his trunk to take a six-month vacation. This had to be some sort of biological deformity.

  Ironically, Charlie’s ass barely looked white because it was almost completely blanketed in dark hair. It appeared that he hadn’t fully evolved from the caveman family. It was a kinky blur. And it hovered only inches from Emile’s nose and mouth. This was going to be like nothing he’d ever experienced before. But he’d come this far. It was too late to get turned off by the unusual. He managed to get his arms in between Charlie’s legs until his hairless armpits were wrapped around Charlie’s thighs. His fingers got enmeshed in the thick forest in search of flesh. They landed on dense ass blubber that came together to form Charlie’s crack. Emile tried to pry the meaty mounds apart to find a hole. All he could see was more hair.

  “You gotta spread your ass for me, my man,” he said hoarsely.

  Two big, hairy-knuckled hands complied. Charlie had apparently heard the request and risen up from his slumped position over Emile’s body, resulting in an arching of his back that automatically created some distance between his ass cheeks. His big fingers knew just what they were doing, slipping right into the blackness of the crack confidently and yanking in either direction, pushing aside large hunks of butt meat.

  And there it was. Charlie was far from a virgin. His anal area was as purple as his balls and cock, and patterned by intense wrinkles. The inch-long slot in the center looked like a quarter would easily slip right into it, and it retained a permanent separation of a few millimeters. It looked like its door was always open and ready for business.

  “Nice,” Emile whispered. There was no doubting who was the bottom in this white couple’s relationship. Despite his burly size as compared to that of his lover, Charlie’s gentle lovemaking mannerisms, his ability to navigate the terrain of his booty, and the gaping orifice were all dead giveaways.

  Emile’s tongue had a major hard-on. He raised his head off the sofa and slipped the oral erection up and into vegetation that gave a whole new meaning to the term jungle fever…which he sure as hell planned to reduce.

  “Oooohhh!” Charlie wheezed as Emile’s pointy, rough tongue made contact.

  The tender flesh ignited Emile’s taste buds. There was a ripe, tangy eruption on his palate, sort of like placing a small square of sharp, musky cheese in his mouth: interesting, a little bit odd, but something he could easily get used to. He steadily began to plunge his face upward, poking and prodding.

  “That’s nice,” Charlie gasped.

  “So’s this,” Larry said. “Charlie, look how pink he is on the inside.”

  Charlie, whose head was back, his eyes closed, his arms wrapped behind him, and his big man tits jutting forward, blinked back to reality and turned his gaze down.

  Larry had completely dilated Emile’s tight anus. It was pushed outward and pointing up at the ceiling as Larry pinned his legs to his torso. Deep black flesh surrounded an almost neon pink, dime-sized circle.

  “What were you expecting? The black hole?” Emile asked from between Charlie’s ass cheeks, causing both white men to laugh.

  “It looks so warm and juicy.” Larry seemed completely hypnotized by the blazing beacon of bubble gum color.

  Charlie brought his hands back up in front of himself to take one of Larry’s hands.

  When Charlie released his ass cheeks, the two jiggling Jell-O mounds of shaggy flesh thumped down on Emile’s face like an air bag. He tried desperately to push his tongue and chin farther into the orifice in hopes that his nose would rise above the surface of the forest. It barely did the trick, but it didn’t matter. He was fully immersed in the situation. Although the last thing he needed was for friends and family to hear that he had suffocated to death with his head stuck up a big fat hairy white man ass…

  Charlie took Larry’s index finger in his mouth and performed oral on it, leaving behind a wet wad of his saliva. He then wrapped his thick arms around the back of Emile’s calves and pulled them up against his heaving pecs. He simultaneously started to do a little dance with his hips so his butt would wiggle on Emile’s probing, tickling tongue.

  Larry placed the very tip of his wet finger right against the pink target, which was already glistening from his rim job. He pushed forward. The first joint slipped easily into the weakened anal muscles. He met resistance at the inner sphincter. Applied pressure fixed that and there was a muffled groan from deep under Charlie’s crotch as Larry’s finger was absorbed.

  “Errrrhhh
h!” Emile’s groan was a hint louder as Larry’s finger found a place farther up in the tunnel that widened, giving him wiggle room.

  “It is so tight,” Larry said to Charlie. “Reminds me of you fifteen years ago.” He snickered, jiggling his finger in the tight orifice.

  “You’re an asshole,” Charlie responded at the teasing jab.

  “No. This is an asshole,” Larry said. “I want to fuck him so bad.”

  “You might want to ask him first,” Charlie said.

  “Fine. But he can’t answer with your asshole in his mouth. You come over here and keep loosening him up.” Larry moved off the sofa and waited for Charlie to move his hulking body off Emile’s practically lost face.

  Emile looked dazed—and perhaps a little hungry for oxygen.

  “Mixing it up a little,” Larry explained.

  As Charlie crouched on the sofa at Emile’s ass, he sucked on two of his fingers then held them up for Emile to consider. Emile nodded his approval and Charlie sank his fingers in.

  Emile groaned a loud, “Uuuuhhhh,” as Charlie drew out a long, “Woooow!”

  Right next to Emile’s face, Larry unzipped his cargo pants and dug inside the opening. He fidgeted and bent at the knees slightly, finally got a hold of what he was after, and carefully pulled a treasure out.

  “Holy shit,” Emile said. “You’re a white boy?”

  Possibly an inch longer than Emile’s, Larry’s cock was equally as thick as Charlie’s dumpy dick. It was so dense that even hard it couldn’t stick straight out, sort of bending in the center as a result of gravity’s tug.

  Larry smiled confidently. “Short man, big dick.”

  Emile was so distracted by the sight that he was easily taking the two fingers Charlie was repeatedly drilling into him.

  Larry had brought his entire package through the small gap at his crotch. Practically hidden underneath his cock were two golf balls that were nowhere near proportionate to it. They were modestly snuggled up against the base of the shaft, with only wisps of light brown hair covering their surface. There was something so sexy about a man wearing pants—yet still revealing all at the same time.