Funny Bone

by Daniel W. Kelly

  “Aw, shucks!” He feigned bashfulness. “I bet you say that to all the straight guys. Can you fix this damn tie for me?”

  “Let me see.” I turned to him and reached to his throat. Then I choked him with all my strength, screaming, “If I can’t have you, no one will!”

  Just kidding. He lifted his chin high to give me access to his tie. Suddenly, it hit me. I paused in mid-tying and breathed through pursed lips as tears almost sprang to my eyes. I felt foolish to hear my voice coming out as a shaky whisper when I said, “You look amazing.”

  He turned just his eyes down to me. “It’s a pretty emotional day, huh?”

  I nodded, shocked to spot a watery haze coating his intense brown eyes. I wasn’t sure if we were emotional for one reason or more, for the same reasons, or different reasons.

  I refocused on his tie and recuperated. “There. It’s perfect.”

  His head tilted forward and his forehead pressed against mine. “You know I love you, right? You’re my best man. This day couldn’t happen without you.”

  “Dude, don’t get all gay on me, or I’ll cry like a girl.” I laughed, sucking in a slight sniffle.

  We both chuckled and pulled away as there was a knock on the door. Another non-distinct male member of the wedding party called, “You guys almost done in there? Some of us need to get ready.”

  Jake stood straight, threw a bulky arm over my now fairly broad shoulders, and led me to the door. We stepped into the main lounge area, and a couple of guys immediately dove past us into the bathroom.

  “Hey, I gotta show you something,” Jake said, a gleam in his eye.

  “Uh-oh,” I replied. “We can’t be late for your wedding.”

  “We won’t.” He led me out of the groom’s suite and into the hall.

  There was no telling what he had planned. In the years we’d been friends, we’d become somewhat of a team of pranksters, always up to no good. I just hoped he didn’t have anything over-the-top planned like mooning the guests when we were in the middle of the ceremony or something.

  I followed him down a flight of steps that eventually let us out into the rear of the catering hall. I peered down the corridor, which was empty, but with the noticeable ring of noise coming from a kitchen somewhere in the distance and strains of an organ being practiced in the main ballroom where the wedding was to be held. We only had about a half hour before the ceremony was to begin.

  “This should be good.” Jake pulled me to a doorway tucked in a corner alcove. It was marked STAFF ONLY.

  Inside, we were greeted by the harsh glow of a fluorescent light. It was a small space lined with shelves of cleaning products. Between his bulky body and my now much more muscled physique, there was maybe a foot of free space on each side of us.

  “Jake, what are you up to? We can’t screw this day up for—”

  Jake stopped me with two big hands on my tuxedoed shoulders. “Chris. This is it man. After today I’m a married man.”

  “No kidding,” I said. “You getting cold feet?”

  “No. But I definitely got a hot ass.” He smiled devilishly, looking me right in the eyes.

  “Dude! No fucking way! It’s your wedding day!”

  “Exactly. One more for the road. The back road. A fond farewell. Come on. It’s been too long. I mean, she’s great. Does me with vibrators, strap-ons, let’s me fuck her up the ass. We even share a double-ended dildo, which is a shit load of fun, but there really ain’t nothing like the real thing. I just wanna feel it one more time. I’m all flushed out after our session this morning.”

  Yep. He finally got me to go for a colonic. It was one of my wedding gifts to him—I agreed that I’d go get one with him the morning of his wedding and pick up the bill. He wanted to be spring fresh for his honeymoon—and I must say, you really do feel spring fresh afterward…and he did make sure I was hooked up with a cute male therapist.

  But that was this morning, and this was now. And now, I was sweating. “I…can’t…”

  “Really? ’Cause he can,” Jake said forcefully as he…fucking grabbed my rock-hard cock! Do you believe it? After all these years, my straight fuck buddy finally touched my cock with something other than his rectum!

  I essentially melted into the cupped hand at the crotch of my tux. “We don’t have time…we don’t have stuff…”

  “You got spit,” Jake pointed out. “I’ve swallowed your cum. I know your whole fricking sexual history. Which is that you haven’t been with anyone but me in like a decade.”

  “Okay!” I completely let go and gave in with little argument on his part. Am I the worst person ever? “Let’s just do this.”

  Within seconds, Jake had turned away from me, dropped his tux pants to his knees, lifted the tail of his shirt and jacket, and squatted to let that ass jut out. I was so glad to see that heterosexual love hadn’t taken a razor to his ass. I dug my cock out of my pants.

  “Come on, Chris. Fuck this ass one more time so it never forgets how it feels,” Jake begged over his shoulder, holding the bunched cloth of his shirt and jacket in his fists at the waist of his belly.

  I drudged up a nice wad of spit in my mouth, slathered it onto my palm with my tongue, and then transferred it to my eight inches. I grabbed one of his massive thighs with one hand and steered my cock to immediately familiar territory.

  For the first time ever, I felt the incredible, natural warmth of Jake’s inner walls as his asshole sucked in my cock, his ass bush tickling every inch of my shaft. It felt so smooth going in to me, but that’s just never quite how it feels for the receiver.

  “HOLY FUCK!” Jake growled through gritted teeth as his head dropped between his shoulders.

  “You okay?” I hissed, incredibly anxious at how loud he was. I was actually trying to keep one hand pressed against the door behind me.

  “Fuck me good and fast,” he urged. “A wedding present I can’t return.”

  “Does this mean I can return the two-hundred-dollar colonics?” I joked as I began to masterfully thrust my cock in and out of him. I’d become such a great top from being with him so many times. And now I could last without Viagra.

  “Oh…yeah…I’ll…pay…you…back…with…wedding…gift…money,” he coughed each word in time with my riveting action.

  Enough with wasting energy on keeping the door closed. I placed both hands on his meaty upper ass and began pounding him good. Two years of celibate lust and desire came raging out of me, my thighs crashing with echoing thuds into his ass cheeks.

  “Oh—fuck—that’s—it—Chris—right—there—”

  All the bottles of cleaners began to rattle around us as we reached a new pinnacle of aggression with each other. Jake had grabbed a shelf in front of him with one hand so he could use all his muscles to thrust back with my every forward thrust. I knew I had to be pulverizing his prostate right about now, but he was loving it, his constipated tone reaching upper notes it never had before.

  “CHRIS! I’m gonna cum soon!” he cried.

  “Not on your tux pants!” I warned without stopping.

  “WHERE THEN?” he shouted back, cleaners falling down around him as the shelf he was holding shook like crazy.

  “In your hand!” I exclaimed. “In your hand! Jeez, Jake! I’m gonna cum, too!”

  “Not on my tux!” he barked.

  “Where? Where?” I wailed.

  “Just…in my ass, man! Just leave it in my ass!” Jake’s tightly contained orders made it clear he was beating his meat and on the verge.

  It was up to me to hold his shirt and coat tails up so they wouldn’t fall down over his ass. Unfortunately, there just wasn’t time for me to warn Jake that, just like when he got colonics, whatever went up would eventually have to come back down. There really was nowhere to safely redirect if I pulled out of him now, so he’d just have to deal later.

  The harmonizing grunts, groans, and gasps made it clear we were pretty much cumming at the same exact time. In order to stay steady, Jake had act
ually dropped back down on me, cramming my ass up against the door behind me. So when we were both finally done, we were able to freeze in place without losing our balance. It gave us a chance to get our bearings, what had emptied where, how far precious clothing was from any messes, and what would be the best way to get cleanly out of our interlocked position.

  “Dude, now what?” Jake asked. “I got this big fucking load in my hand.”

  He was able to reach his arm back to show me the yellow-white puddle cupped in his palm. I looked around. Go figure, a cleaning supply closet with no rags or anything in them.

  “DUDE!” Jake panicked, shaking his hand as steadily as possible.

  “OKAY!” I responded just as nervously, trying to think. “Oh, fuck it. Just give me your hand.”

  If you’re squeamish, skip to the next paragraph. My cock still implanted in Jake’s ass, I leaned over his broad back, grabbed the hand he had held to the side, and slurped all the contents right out of it, grimacing as it hit my palate. It really doesn’t taste as…sexy…once you’ve already expelled your own sexy juice. I swallowed bravely and then quickly licked the entire surface of his palm until all that remained was a thin layer of my saliva.

  “Dude, you are my fucking hero.” Jake was examining his clean hand, cracking himself up as the nervousness was drained from his body.

  “You are such a dick!” I grumbled. “Just hold your tails up so I can pull out of you without making a mess.”

  He did as told. I watched myself withdraw from that scrumptious bum for the last time. My cock was impressively cum-free. The two of us hastily redressed and tidied up our tuxedos. Without so much as a “Thank you, sir, it’s been a pleasure,” we took a quick peek before ducking out of the closet and running upstairs. It was literally minutes before Jake and I needed to walk down the aisle.

  *

  Once the party was in full swing, the adrenaline of the closet encounter of the last kind had completely worn off and Jake and I were back to our old selves. At one point when he and his new wife were making the rounds, they stopped at my table, where I was sitting by myself watching all the silly straight people making fools of themselves on the dance floor.

  We chatted for a few minutes then Jake’s wife rubbed the belly of his shirt. “My poor baby is so cute. He got a little nervous when we were doing the vows. Did you see his face? He nearly turned green. I thought he was going to be sick.”

  I smirked, fighting a laugh, and Jake shot me a dirty look. For years later, when we hung out alone, I would teasingly recall the time Jake almost jizzed in his pants at his wedding…from his asshole.

  “Hey, honey,” Jake changed the subject. “Would you mind finding you-know-who and sending him over here?”

  “Of course.” She smiled sweetly, kissing her new husband and me and then walking off.

  “You think you’re so cute not telling me I’d need to take a fricking cum dump, huh?” Jake griped in my ear.

  I smiled innocently. “I would have—I just…we didn’t have enough time before the wedding!”

  He punched my arm. “Asshole. I shouldn’t even do what I’m about to do for you.”

  “Oh yeah?” I asked. “What are you about to do for me?”

  “Dude. There’s a guy here who thinks you’re really hot.” Jake got serious. “He’s, you know, almost a decade younger than you, but I really think you guys would hit it off. I kind of owe you. You found me a wife; maybe I found you a husband.”

  “Oh man. Jake. Today, really? I feel weird. I don’t know. I like certain types.”

  “Hey! This is me you’re talking to. You think I don’t know your type?” Jake acted offended as he punched his steel chest.

  I caved. “All right. But don’t force anything. And don’t say anything to make us feel uncomfortable. And don’t leave me alone with the guy.”

  Just then, I noticed this hot young thing coming our way. He was virtually a carbon copy of Jake, but was about a foot taller and a foot wider. I had been checking him out constantly since the moment I’d seen him in the audience during the ceremony, lamenting the fact that all the hot ones had to be straight.

  “Hey! How you doing, man?” Jake asked, giving a back-pounding hug to the built-like-a-brick stud. “Hey, Chris. This is my cousin Robbie.”

  “Oh…hey,” I said, realizing immediately that I’d heard about Robbie in the past. And then it really dawned on me. “Oh.”

  Robbie smiled, flashing luscious white teeth, beautiful brown eyes beaming. “Hey, Chris. Great to finally meet you. Jake has told me all about you and the trouble you guys get in together.”

  “Um…yeah. He’s mentioned you,” I stammered, feeling my mouth go dry. Why did I get the impression that Robbie was filled in on just exactly what kind of trouble we’d gotten in together?

  “Robbie here is building this amazing contracting business.” Jake threw an arm around his “little” cousin, which, ironically, dwarfed his own big presence. “He’s really found himself. Knows just what he wants out of life. He does it all, top to bottom.”

  I was speechless as the beautiful cousins smiled mischievously as if they were playing a game with me.

  “Jake said you were kind of stuck in a rut and are looking to mix things up,” Robbie said to me.

  “Jake, you mind leaving us alone for a while?” I ordered more than requested.

  Jake found me a husband all right. But we did things a little backward. We started with the honeymoon…that night in the groom’s suite while they were cutting the cake downstairs in the ballroom. My big lug Robbie screwed me senseless that first night. And he never needed to resort to a dildo in the shower again either. But those are private matters. And I’m not one to kiss and tell. No, really. Not when there’s actually kissing involved. And that’s the way Robbie always likes to start things. Yeah, I had a great time with Jake, but when it comes down to it, Jake made a very profound statement in that cleaning closet; there ain’t nothing like the real thing.

  About the Author

  Daniel W. Kelly loves writing horror, humor, and sex, all of which come together in his Comfort Cove series, which includes the gay horror novels Combustion, No Place for Little Ones, Rise of the Thing Down Below, and Wet Screams. He is also creator of Boys, Bears & Scares, a website dedicated to gay male horror.

  Books Available From Bold Strokes Books

  Funny Bone by Daniel W. Kelly. Sometimes sex feels so good you just gotta giggle! (978-1-62639-683-8)

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  Men in Love: M / M Romance, edited by Jerry L. Wheeler. Love stories between men, from first blush to wedding bells and beyond. (978-1-62639-7361)

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  Slaves of Greenworld by David Holly. On the planet Greenworld, the amnesiac Dove must cope with intrigues, alien monsters, and a growing slave revolt, while reveling in homoerotic sexual intimacy with his own slave Raret. (978-1-62639-623-4)

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  Night Sweats by Tom Cardamone. These stories are as gripping as the hand on your throat. (978-1-62639-572-5)

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  Puppet Boy by Christian Baines. Budding filmmaker Eric can’t stop thinking about the handsome young actor that’s transferred to his class. Could Julien be his muse? Even his first boyfriend? Or something far more sinister? (978-1-62639-510-7)

  The Prophecy by Jerry Rabushka. Religion and revolution threaten to bring an ancient civilization to its knees…unless love does it first. (978-1-62639-440-7)