“I didn’t mean to. I just don’t think I belong there, that’s all.”
“What makes you say that?”
“You have a fiancée, Carlos. You don’t need me at a family dinner.”
“But you are family.”
“I’m ex-family.”
“We’ve never made you feel that way,” he said sharply as he pulled into a space.
“No. You and your family have been very gracious to me. They always have been. But I can’t do that to Kathy. She’s sharing you enough, and I don’t want to jeopardize her kindness toward me either.”
Carlos pulled into a parking space and put the car in park. “Kathy knows I’m inviting you, and she thinks it will be nice for you to be with everyone.”
“Really?” She turned her head to capture his stare. “She said that?”
“Yes, she said that.”
Madeline shook her head. It shouldn’t have bothered her that the woman was so willing to accept her, but it did. There was a part of her that wanted to be ex-family. She didn’t want to think they still liked her and accepted her. It would have been easier if they didn’t. But that wasn’t how the Keller family worked. She let out a deep breath. “You are marrying one amazing woman.”
“I sure am. C’mon.”
Those few words stuck her like a knife. What had she expected? He loved Kathy, she knew that. But she realized he’d been so attentive to her, she’d let her thoughts wander toward the absurd as if he’d ever give it all up for her, again.
Carlos climbed out of the car and walked around to her side. He opened her door and extended his hand. She pushed it away and climbed out of the car. Without even waiting for him, she started toward the building.
“Maddie!” Carlos called after her. “Wait!” He reached for her arm and turned her toward him. “What just happened? What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing!” How could she possibly tell him her heart was hurting because she still loved him and always had? How could she tell him that, when she knew he was marrying a woman who was so much more than she was? Kathy wasn’t petty, but Madeline was finding out that she was. Obviously Kathy wasn’t the jealous type either, but the green-eyed monster was eating Madeline one gracious comment at a time.
Carlos let go of her arm, but he kept his eyes focused on her. “Don’t lie to me. I know you so much better than you think.”
He did. He knew her inside and out and vice versa. So why couldn’t she let it go? Why couldn’t she just let him be happy?
“I’m sorry. I’m not handling all of this too well.”
“Why should you?” He pulled her to him. “Cancer isn’t just something that comes and goes. You have to fight it. You’re doing that. That doctor is going to tell us you’re doing great. I know this.”
She nodded against his chest, taking in the comfort he offered.
“Besides.” He brushed his hand down her back, causing a guilty little shiver there. “You’ve never backed down from anything. You’re not going to back down now.”
No, she’d never backed down from anything until the day one of them decided he needed to move out. Now, she couldn’t even remember who’d mentioned it first.
Madeline changed into her gown and lay on the exam table. Then she called for Carlos, who had waited just beyond the door.
When he walked into the room, he smiled at her, but she knew it was only to keep her calm. There was a fire burning beyond his eyes. Worry was consuming him as much as jealousy was consuming her.
He took her hand in his. “The doctor is in the next room. He’ll be in, in a few minutes.”
Madeline nodded. She wished she could explain her feelings to him, but what would it matter? He was being friendly. He’d always been friendly when it came to her. “Are you sure Kathy is okay with me coming to dinner?”
“Of course.”
She nodded. “I think that would be great. I’ll be there.”
The worry in his eyes changed, and at that moment she knew he was happy. His beautiful smile had her heart racing, again. She remembered the first time he’d ever smiled at her. Tall, dark, and handsome was an understatement. She’d fallen in love with his smile, and then his eyes, and then that deep voice that cracked because it hadn’t settled into the fifteen-year-old body of the man she’d later fall in love with.
He stroked her knuckles with his thumb. “I’ll come by and get you.”
“No. I’ll meet you there.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’ll be best for everyone.”
“Are you already planning an escape?”
“Me?” She laughed. “No. I was offering you one.”
The door opened, and the doctor walked through with a clipboard in his arm. “Madeline, how are you?”
“I’m doing fine.” She shook his hand.
“Dr. Martin,” he introduced himself, turning to Carlos and holding out his hand.
“Carlos Keller,” he said shaking the doctor’s hand.
“Carlos is my ex-husband, and”—she turned her eyes toward him—”he’s my best friend. He’s helping me get through this.”
Carlos gave her hand a squeeze. She wondered if it felt as weird to him to call her his ex-wife. No matter how long it had been, it still squeezed at her heart to say it.
“It must be working.” Dr. Martin looked at the papers on the clipboard. “Your white blood count looks better than it did right after the surgery. Your weight is down though.”
“She sleeps a lot and she’s not eating,” Carlos said quickly as if he were making sure she didn’t leave anything out.
Dr. Martin made a note in the chart. “Madeline, do you think this is worse than before?”
She bit down on her lip, looked up at Carlos, and then back at the doctor. “Well, I do lose energy pretty fast, and I throw up at least once a day.”
“We’ll get you something to help you with your nausea and something to get that white blood count up.”
She nodded.
“Now let’s look at you.” Dr. Martin moved toward her and Carlos stepped back.
Carlos looked at her. “I’ll wait outside.”
“Please stay,” she heard herself say, though she hadn’t planned on asking him to.
“Are you sure?” She understood the fear in his eyes. When he saw what they’d done to her in surgery, he might want to stop coming around. But she nodded.
The doctor pushed back her gown, and Madeline heard Carlos gasp. She clenched her fists at her sides. What had he expected? Did he really think she’d have let him stand there and ogle her bare chest had it been intact?
Madeline felt the tears well in her eyes, and she turned her head to make sure he couldn’t see them. He’d never look at her the way he once had. How could he?
“This looks good,” Dr. Martin said as he covered her back up. “Have you given consideration to reconstruction?”
She felt Carlos shift at her side, and when she looked up at him, she saw the telltale sign of the line that creased between his brows. He was uncomfortable.
Good. So was she.
“Oh, I want reconstruction. I just want to finish this first.” She forced her voice to be steady so Carlos could hear that she’d be fine. She didn’t need him taking care of her forever. He didn’t have to feel sorry for her. One day, very soon, she’d be a complete woman again.
Dr. Martin nodded. “That’s perfectly understandable.” He made more notes and then filled out a prescription and handed it to her. “I think you’re doing great. We’ll do more blood work in a few weeks and more x-rays. If this doesn’t help with the nausea and the energy levels, I want you to call me. I want you to be very careful during this time of year and stay healthy. With your white blood count still a little off, a simple cold could become something more complicated,” he warned.
“Should I keep the kids from her?” Carlos asked, his voice filled with panic.
“No. But make sure they keep themselves clean. Have them take
extra showers and wash their hands often. They are most likely to bring home germs. We just want to take as many precautions as possible.”
“What about her hair?” He asked another question she had forgotten to ask. There were some benefits to having him there, she decided. Carlos kept his eyes on the doctor. “She says it’s starting to fall out.”
Dr. Martin nodded and made more notes. “It’s perfectly normal for some people to lose their hair during chemotherapy.” He turned toward Madeline. “This will be your call, of course. If it has started, likely it will keep coming out. It’s going to hurt.” He considered his words. “Not painfully, but imagine you have a sunburn on your scalp, and it itches and hurts. You understand, right?”
“Yes.” She swallowed hard. She hadn’t thought about the process of it falling out, just that it would, and quickly. “So I’ll be bald?”
“Hair comes out in patches. You’ll more than likely want to take the clippers to it. Don’t shave it with a razor.” He lifted his eyes to Carlos. “It’ll cause infection.”
Carlos nodded his understanding, but she saw the corners of his lips turn down as he swallowed hard. The very thought of how ugly she was going to be—breastless and hairless—made him sick.
Dr. Martin looked back at Madeline. “You can cover your head with a scarf, hat, or wig to keep your head warm if you want. Especially during the winter, you’ll want to do that to keep your body heat in. As for looks, many women cover their heads. It’s up to you.”
He gave his notes another look then lifted his eyes to her. He pushed back his shoulders and smiled. That gave her some confidence. The man looked pleased with her checkup. “Madeline, call me if you need anything or if you have questions.”
Madeline forced a grin. “Thank you.” She wanted to feel as positive as the doctor looked.
“Mr. Keller, it was nice to meet you. I’m glad to see Madeline has a good support team.”
“She does, sir,” Carlos said as he looked at her. “Our children and I are here for her.” For the first time she saw something in his eyes she hadn’t seen in more than five years. There was a peace that shaded them. The kind that had been there before when times were hard, but he still had loved her. A lump caught in her throat.
Dr. Martin nodded and left the room. Carlos helped her from the table.
“I’ll wait for you outside,” he offered and headed for the door.
“Carlos.” He turned back to her. “Thank you for coming with me. I was trying to think of every excuse to make you not come, but I’m glad I couldn’t come up with any.”
“I wouldn’t have listened to them anyway.”
She nodded and smiled. “I know. I just want you to know this means the world to me.”
He tucked his bottom lip in and nodded. He was nervous; she knew his tells. She knew he wanted to hug her. He wanted to kiss away all her pain, but he stood across the room and finally opened the door.
“I’ll be out in a few minutes.” He left the room, and Madeline sat for a moment. She pulled off the drape and looked down at her disfigured body. The curves were gone and there was nothing left, much like her life in general. The man she’d always loved had found someone new, and she winced when she realized she’d been the one to encourage it. The man who had held her hand the past five years had started his life over. And here she was hoping that every day she’d wake up and get to spend more time with her children.
Madeline reached for her shirt and slipped her arms through the sleeves. The fabric fought her and she pushed her arm through. But it wasn’t the shirt, it was the unsettling feeling that was making her tense. The thoughts that crowded her mind, wishing Kathy had never happened into his life and that Matt had walked out of hers much sooner. The very thought hurt as much as the scars on her body as they healed.
She could hear Carlos’s voice carry down the hall as he spoke with someone passing by her door. He was everything she’d ever wanted, and he always did what she’d asked him to do. He’d loved her. He’d married her. The agreement was that she’d support them so he could go to school and get a good job. Carlos did just that. And she must have told him to walk away, because he wasn’t the kind of man to walk away without being pushed. And now he was marrying someone else because she’d asked him to move on.
Madeline pressed her hand to her flat chest. As it was, even if she won the battle against the disease that wanted to kill her, she’d still never win back the love of her life.
Madeline ambled up the front steps of Alan and Emily Keller’s house. She couldn’t remember a time she’d been more nervous. Even the day she’d gone to the doctor’s office to confirm that she had cancer, she wasn’t as jittery.
She blew out a breath. There was no reason for her to be uncomfortable. Not a day had passed since she was fifteen years old that the Kellers hadn’t been completely accepting of her. She’d turned down dinner invitations every month for five years. She’d been surrounded by Emily, Regan, and Arianna at every social event for her children for those same five years. She was at the fiftieth wedding anniversary party for Alan and Emily. When Zach’s father died, she and the kids were at the funeral and reception to help. She helped Arianna host Regan’s baby shower. She even made a trip with Matt to New York to see Arianna perform more than once. This was as much her family as her children were.
So why was she so tied up in knots?
In her closet she’d found a hat she’d bought for Regan’s wedding. She hadn’t worn it then, but it looked casual enough she figured she’d get away with wearing it to Sunday dinner. Only that morning she’d taken a mirror and looked at the back of her head. Her hair looked horrible. It was time to consider doing something about it. She tugged the hat down more snugly.
When the door opened, Clara greeted her.
“Mommy!” She clung to her and Madeline laughed.
“I dropped you off at your dad’s house yesterday. It’s only been eighteen hours since you’ve seen me.”
“I know.” Clara smiled up at her. “I just missed you.”
All of the knots in her muscles relaxed; she was at home with her children here. “I missed you too.”
Clara walked her through the front door by the hand and back to the family room where everyone had gathered around the television.
“Super Bowl,” Clara whispered.
“I had completely forgotten,” Madeline whispered back.
A roar erupted from everyone in the room when the team they’d been rooting for missed the field goal.
“Damn! When am I going to pick a team that has a chance?” Alan sat back in his recliner and looked up, noticing her first. His eyes lit up, and he struggled from his chair to be the first to greet her. “Well, look who graces our presence again.”
“Alan, how are you?”
“I’m old.” He kissed her cheek and then looked her directly in the eye. “How are you?”
“I’m going to be just fine.”
“I know you are.” He patted her cheek and stepped back as her sons gathered around her. Each member of the family kissed her and gave her a hug. Regan held her tightly, and Madeline could feel her body shake from tears.
“Don’t be sad for me,” Madeline spoke softly in her ear.
“I can’t help it. I didn’t know you were sick, and I really think I should have been there for you.”
“You have a new person to think about. Tyler needs you more than I do.” She kissed Regan on the cheek. “Thank you for worrying though.”
Regan stepped back and wiped her eyes. “I’m overly emotional lately.”
“It’s lack of sleep. I remember it well.”
“All he does is eat. I never sleep anymore.”
“It won’t be forever and you’ll miss it.” She looked around the room at her nearly grown children. Regan would soon look back on it and wonder where the time had gone.
“That’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
“Hello, Madeline.” The soft female voice came from
the direction of the kitchen, and Madeline looked up to see Kathy standing only a few feet away with a tight smile directed toward her.
“Hello, Kathy,” she said returning the smile, realizing they were both incredibly uncomfortable in each other’s presence.
Madeline had met her a few times. Kathy had been there for Regan’s baby shower, the first Keller family event Kathy had attended. It had only been four months earlier, but to Madeline it seemed like a lifetime ago. Back then, she was pleased to meet Kathy. Her heart had been full of optimism for Carlos. She’d been happy for him.
Now as she stood before the small blonde with her thick, full hair and her full chest. She envied her—not so much for the beauty she possessed and Madeline had lost, but because Carlos loved her.
Kathy took a hesitant step toward her. “I’m glad Carlos convinced you to come.”
“I wasn’t sure I should.”
“You’re part of the family,” Kathy reminded her.
“Thank you.”
It was then she realized she hadn’t seen Carlos. She glanced toward the living room, but he wasn’t there. Her face must have shown her thoughts.
“He ran to the store to get some more milk.”
Madeline nodded. Regan moved by her with Tyler in her arms.
“I thought you could use this.” She lifted her son toward Madeline, who took the baby and cradled him close to her empty chest. The warmth from his body filled her. The scent of baby lotion filled her nose and calmed her nerves.
“You have no idea.”
Carlos pushed through the back door, bags of groceries slipping from his fingers.
Kathy raced toward him and grabbed a bag before it could fall. “What did you get?”
“I couldn’t help it. They had ice cream on sale.” He grinned.
“You are no help to my waistline.” She kissed him on the lips and helped Emily unload the bags. “She’s in the other room,” Kathy said quietly as she tilted her head toward Carlos.
“Really?” A surge of mixed emotions ran though him. He was happy. He’d wanted her to be there more than he could have admitted, but even though Kathy was smiling, the sadness in her eyes burned him. How could he have such contrasting emotions?
A Second Chance Page 8
