Risk of Falling

by Syndi Powell

  Suzy considered her words but couldn’t agree. But she couldn’t disagree either. “It’s taking up more of my life than I want to give. I saw what it did to my mom, and I don’t want to end up letting the house and the things own me.” She shifted from her spot on the bed and looked at Pres. “Let’s say I found the money and fixed it up. What then?” She pulled at the neckline of her T-shirt. “It feels like a chain that I can’t get rid of.”

  “So sell it.”

  Suzy gave a laugh. “Mama would haunt me if I did that.”

  “So let her.” Pres put her arm around her shoulders. “What do you want to do? Deep down inside, what is it that you want?”

  That was the big question. What did she want? “For now? Sleep.” She pulled her knees up to her chest. “I’ll be Scarlett O’Hara for the night and deal with this tomorrow.”

  Pres nodded and got up from the bed. She walked to the door then turned. “The kittens are ready to come home.”

  Suzy frowned. What did the kittens have to do with any of this? All it reminded her of was that she didn’t have somewhere to bring them home to. “That’s great.”

  “What do you want me to do about them?”

  She thought of their little furry faces and sighed. She couldn’t offer them anything, not even a home. Especially right now when they needed her. “Find them families, I guess. They deserve them. And it’s not like I can take them in.”

  “Maybe not right now. But soon you could bring them home.” Pres looked so hopeful, as if she was giving Suzy all the answers she needed.

  Instead, it felt like one more burden. “No, I can’t.”

  Pres frowned on her. “You want to sit in here and feel sorry for yourself, go ahead. Have that pity party, but eventually you have to do something.” She put her hand on the doorknob and stared at Suzy. “When you’re ready to deal with this, I’m here. Always.”

  She shut the door softly behind her. Suzy noted the closed door. She’d seen enough of those in her life. Seemed like as soon as she got somewhere that she wanted to be, something else would happen and close the door on her.

  She got off the bed and opened her suitcase, searching for her pajamas. She found a pair of navy polka dot yoga pants and a light blue T-shirt and put them on. She flipped off the lights then slipped between the sheets. They still smelled of fabric softener, and she took in a deep breath.

  This is just temporary. I don’t belong here.

  She laid back and stared at the ceiling then pulled the covers over her head. Beneath the sheets, it was quiet. Peaceful. She could stay here awhile.

  Maybe she was more like her mom than she wanted to think.

  * * *

  SUZY THUMBED THROUGH the women’s magazine while she waited for Page to return from lunch. She dropped it back on the table and tapped on the receptionist’s window. Henry looked up from his cell phone. “I told you she needs newer mags.”

  “Maybe I’ll give her a gift subscription for Christmas.”

  Henry nodded then cocked his head to one side. “You doing okay, sunshine? You don’t seem your perky self.”

  “I just lost my home. How should I be?”

  Henry flinched. “Yikes. Bitter much?”

  “I’m fine.” And as if to prove it, she pasted on a smile until her cheeks hurt.

  “You do that a lot? Pretend to smile?”

  So maybe he wasn’t easy to convince. “Fake it till you make it. Isn’t that what they say?”

  “Sweetie, you shouldn’t have to fake anything. You’re too good for that.”

  The office door swung opened, and Page breezed in. “I’m not late, you’re early.” She quickstepped back to her office then reappeared a moment later without her purse and coat. She held the door open. “I’m ready for you.”

  Suzy nodded and joined the counselor on her walk down the hall. She hoped, prayed, that Page wouldn’t bring up the house. They could deal with plenty other issues, after all, Mama’s place was only one of many that she needed to deal with.

  “So....” Page took a seat on the sofa and looked her over. “How have you been doing since Saturday?”

  Crud. “Fine.”

  Page glanced at her as she uncapped her pen. “We’ve talked about that word. Find another one.”

  “I’m staying with my friend Pres for now. Just until I decide what to do.”

  “That’s what you’re doing. But what are you feeling?”

  She didn’t want to deal with feelings. She wanted to be doing something. Moving forward. Making decisions. Problem was that she didn’t know what to do. Fix the house? Sell it? And could she sell it as it was? Or should she just walk away and let the whole thing disappear. “I feel overwhelmed.”

  “That’s nothing new, right?” Page wound her hair behind her ear and cocked her head sideways, much like her brother had earlier. “What does feeling overwhelmed do for you?”

  “I don’t need a session with some quack today. In fact, I’m thinking that I don’t need you anymore. I haven’t had a panic attack. And without the house and all the stuff, I won’t have those anymore.”

  “So you’re cured?”

  “I wasn’t sick to begin with. Isn’t that what you told me?” Suzy got off the sofa and started towards the door. “I’ll pay Henry on the way out.”

  Page got off the sofa and stood. She walked to her desk and picked up the phone. “I’ll call him and tell him to keep you here.”

  Suzy turned and stared at her. “That’s unlawful imprisonment. You can’t do that.”

  Page put the phone down and took a step towards her. “What are you feeling right now? Overwhelmed?”

  “No. I’m angry.” Suzy whirled and stared at the counselor who looked so calm standing there, looking at her. Calm! How could she act like nothing had changed? Her whole life had been turned upside down since Mama died, and now she was homeless. She had lost it all even though she’d tried so hard to hang on to it. “How dare he kick me out of my home. He had no right.”

  “Actually he did. It’s his job.”

  “Don’t stick up for him. He promised if I got everything cleaned up, I could keep the house. I was doing my part. And cleaning it all up ruined everything.”

  Page returned to the sofa and picked up her notepad and pen, made a few notes. “Are you angry with anyone else?”

  Suzy frowned. She considered the possibilities. “Myself?”

  “No. Who are you really angry with, Suzy? Deep down, white hot angry? Ready to pop them in the nose angry?” Page got off the sofa again and walk towards her. “Who do you want to yell at?”

  “Nobody.”

  Page stepped closer and scrutinized her. “Come on. Besides the code inspector, there has to be one person you’d like to get in their face and shout at? Just one.”

  A face popped into her head, but she shook away the image. No. Not going there.

  “I can see you thinking about it. Just say a name.”

  “But it’s not her fault.”

  Page leaned forward. “Really? She left you, left the mess and ruined your house. Aren’t you the tiniest bit angry with her?”

  Oh, Mama. Why?

  Again, Suzy shook her head. “But she’s dead. How can I be angry with her after she’s gone?”

  “Why not? Because she died that means you can’t feel anything towards her?”

  “I feel sad.” The easy answer.

  “What else?”

  “Lonely because she’s gone.” Another easy one.

  “And....”

  The hot feeling in her stomach wasn’t going away. In fact, it felt like it churned and burned even more. “She did the best she could.”

  Page watched her and frowned. “You like to offer a lot of excuses for her.”

 
“She could have used your help, but no one saw it. No one but me. I had to live with the mess. With the stuff. I had to take care of her when she got so sad that she couldn’t get out of bed. It was me who bathed her in the end. Fed her. Gave her the meds I hoped would keep her alive.” Suzy couldn’t stop now. “I had to close her eyes after she took that last breath. It was me. I did it all.”

  The words hung in the air for a silent moment. Suzy rubbed her face, and Page took a seat on the sofa. “I’m sure you took great care of her.”

  She didn’t know. No one did. “I gave up my life for her. My dreams. My plans. I did it all so I could help her, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted to own me just like she held on to all her stuff. And I hated her for that.”

  Suzy covered her mouth with her hand. “I don’t mean I hated her. I didn’t. I don’t.”

  Page leaned forward on the sofa. “But you hated what she did to you.”

  She nodded. “It was like I was the mother while she could stay the kid.” She felt her hands clutch into fists. “And I’m angry at her.”

  Page got off the sofa and approached her. She put her hand on Suzy’s shoulder. “I know. Why don’t you sit down and we can talk about it.”

  * * *

  THE DAY FOR Mrs. Stone’s first chemo treatment had arrived, and Suzy knew that she’d be feeling anxious. She peeked her head into Mrs. Stone’s room. “Wakey wakey.”

  “Go away.”

  Suzy walked to the windows and opened the curtains. “I’m afraid that you’re stuck with me.” She turned and saw Mrs. Stone with the covers over her head. “I hate to tell you but hiding in bed won’t change things. I’ve recently discovered that myself because of some things I’m going through.”

  Mrs. Stone peered over the edge of the blanket. “You mean because of the house.”

  Suzy frowned. “He told you?”

  “I’m his mother.”

  Right. Blood thicker than water. “What did he say?”

  Mrs. Stone’s shoulders moved up and down in an exaggerated motion. “That he’s sorry but he had to do it.”

  She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “For my safety. I know.”

  “If I know my son, he’ll fix it. He’s good at that.”

  “I’m sure he is.” Suzy glanced at her tablet. “The ambulance will come and get you about nine this morning. The first treatment will last approximately four hours, and then they’ll observe you for a few more to make sure there are no issues. Then bring you back here.”

  Mrs. Stone scoffed, “I’d rather go home.”

  “Let’s go through the treatment and see how that goes first.”

  Mrs. Stone picked at her blanket, avoiding Suzy’s eyes. “Will it hurt?”

  “Patients say that the worst part isn’t the chemo itself, but the side effects. Mrs. Lemuel complained that her mouth tasted funny, like metal. And of course, the nausea.”

  Mrs. Stone reached up and fluffed up her hair. “Am I going to lose my hair?”

  “Probably. But the good news is that once chemo is over, your hair will grow back. I’ve known patients whose hair turned curly once it grew back.”

  Mrs. Stone looked at Suzy’s hair. “I’ve always wanted curls.”

  Suzy reached up and touched her own. “It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. Believe me.”

  There was a pause then a small voice. “I’m scared.”

  Suzy held her hand and squeezed it. “I know. Me too.”

  * * *

  WILL ARRIVED AT the home and noticed that an ambulance waited by the front doors, but the lights weren’t flashing. His first thoughts were for his mother. They hadn’t come for her, had they? He hurried his gait and whipped down the hall towards her room. When he saw the gurney outside her room, he froze on the spot.

  No. She had to be okay.

  He pushed open the door. Suzy was helping his mother put on a coat. She smoothed the lapel and gave his mom a smile. “It’s gotten cooler so you’ll probably need this. Plus they keep the treatment room pretty cool.”

  Ma reached up and patted the nurse’s hand. “I wish you could go with me.”

  “I promised to stay until they came and got you, but I tell you what. You and me have a date at your next one, okay?” She gave a wink.

  Will cleared his throat. “Is everything okay?”

  They turned to see him in the doorway. Ma smiled and nodded. “They hired a special car to get me to the hospital today.”

  “Because when I saw...I thought that...” He swallowed hard. She was okay. He closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing.

  One of the EMTs brushed past him. “We’ll need you to move, sir.”

  Will stepped aside while they got Ma onto the gurney then out the door. He turned to Suzy who averted her gaze and tidied the room. She looked worse than he’d seen her a few days ago. The dark smudges under her eyes. Her curls even seemed to have lost some of their spunk and lay in controlled waves on top of her head. “How are you?”

  She answered him without looking at him. “You’ll want to meet the ambulance at the hospital. Your mother will need to see a familiar face.”

  He took a step towards Suzy. “I asked how you were doing.”

  “I heard.” She walked around him and left the room. Removed the stethoscope from the pocket of her scrubs and swung it back and forth as she returned to the nurses’ station. She plugged her tablet into an outlet then started gathering her things. She looked up and saw him watching her.

  He reached out. “Are you going to be okay?”

  She flinched and moved out of his touch. “Worry about your mother instead. She needs you.”

  “You look like you need someone too.”

  “I’m fine.”

  But she wasn’t. He could tell. She didn’t even try to put on a smile for him or anyone else. At least not that he’d seen since he’d arrived. “About the house...”

  Her eyes flashed the first emotion he’d seen since Saturday. “We are not talking about that. Not here.”

  He leaned in and dropped the volume of his voice. “What do you plan on doing?”

  “That’s none of your concern.”

  “Actually it is. I have to report to the town whether you’re going to fix it.” He paused. “Or bulldoze it.”

  “Bulldoze? You’d like that wouldn’t you?” She glanced at the other nurse who started to eavesdrop on their conversation. “Sorry, Carly. I’ll see you tonight.” She removed her purse from beneath the desk then grabbed her jacket and walked past Will, not even looking in his direction.

  He flashed an apologetic look at the other nurse then ran to keep up with Suzy’s short quick steps. “Suzy, wait.”

  She turned so quickly that he almost ran her over. “If you’re not going to meet your mother before treatment, then I will.”

  “I’ll see her. Don’t worry. But I need to talk to you.”

  She shook her head and glanced in the direction that the ambulance had taken. “No, you don’t. You need to take care of your mother because I’ll be fine.”

  “You don’t think the chemo is going to work.”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth.” Suzy clenched her jaw, and he was surprised how it changed her appearance. Gone was the flighty nurse who had taken such good care of his mother. In her place was an angry woman who had built up walls around her. “I think you’ll find out for yourself if you stop bothering me and go see your mother. Goodbye, Mr. Stone.”

  He watched her leave. She was right. He needed to get to the hospital. But first he needed to fix this new Suzy. Because he missed the old one. He brought out his cell phone and dialed the contractor’s number.

  He could fix the house, and then he’d see about fixing her.

  * * *

 
AFTER A LONG day at the hospital with his mom, Will drove back to the nursing home to wait to greet his mother when she returned to her room. As he entered it, glad that he’d made it before she had, he discovered her room wasn’t empty.

  His sister Carol sat in the chair near the window instead.

  He stopped short. She looked so much older than the last time he’d seen her. It had been at least six years, and those years had not been kind to her. There was one streak of gray through her dark hair that she had pulled back tight. Her blue eyes now looked gray as well. She’d grown old in her absence.

  “Carol.”

  His sister nodded. “Will. How you been?”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “You called.”

  “Over a month ago.” He glared at her. “You should have come before now. She’s been waiting for you. And Joan.” He glanced around the room. “Did she come with you?”

  “Joanie vowed never to set foot back here in this town after Daddy died.”

  Will bristled and tried to calm the churn of emotions in his chest. Ma was due back from the hospital any moment, and she didn’t need any extra drama. “I remember. So what made you decide to change your mind and come?”

  Carol swallowed several times. Her fingers twitched in her lap as if holding a cigarette. “George thought it best.”

  Will didn’t care much for his brother-in-law, but for this he was grateful. “Where you staying?”

  She glanced at him. “I’ve been waiting here for a while. I was hoping to stay at Ma’s.”

  Not if he had a say in that. She’d probably pack Ma’s good jewelry in her suitcase before leaving again. “She’s getting her first chemo.”

  Carol paled even more than she already was. “How bad is it?”

  “Bad enough.” Will took a seat in a chair across from his sister. “But you know Ma. She’s a Stone.”

  They sat in silence for a while. Carol’s fingers twitching. Will tapping his foot. They heard a pop and squeak of wheels coming closer down the hall. A moment later, an EMT wheeled in Ma sitting in a wheelchair. The EMT locked the wheels then scooped his mom into his arms and back into bed. She groaned on impact then fussed with the blankets to cover her.