Confessions of a Hater

by Caprice Crane

  I clenched my jaw, looked down, and stabbed a lone piece of yellowtail with my chopstick.

  Noel pointed a finger at our father. I knew she was even more upset than I was, but she wasn’t going off the same way. Maybe that’s the maturity you get in college. Instead of blowing up the building, you send in a surgical drone strike.

  “Dad, how did you expect Hailey to react?” Noel said. “Did you think she wouldn’t be disgusted? Even I’m shocked and disgusted, and I’m old enough to understand how guys act once they know the thread count of your sheets.”

  Whoa.

  Talk about a statement designed to provoke. Dad glared at her, and she glared back. But he didn’t take the bait. I tried to keep a poker face, but I loved that she went right at him. Coming to my defense was becoming a pattern with her, which was a nice change. Seemed like years since that was the case.

  To break the silence after that shot, Noel continued, “So what if this girl and Hailey are the same age? What does that have to do with anything? Hailey and I have all the sisters we need. We weren’t recruiting for another one. Why on earth would we be happy about this? How could that idiotic notion even occur to you?”

  “I just—” Dad started, and I could see a little pain in his eyes. That was super-rare. Not that I was feeling particularly sympathetic under the circumstances, but you could tell dealing with this was wearing on him too. Of course, that was his problem. He started this shit.

  He settled himself. “Look, I just want you to know about Crystal and her family. You don’t have to like this right now, maybe not for a while. I do understand that. But like it or not, you’re going to meet them at some point. Also, it’s my understanding that Hailey might actually know Skyler, and—”

  Wait!

  Wait!

  Wait, what the—oh my God, this is not happening. This cannot be happening, please tell me this isn’t happening, someone pinch me or punch me and wake me up from this awful nightmare.

  “WHAT?”

  Of course, that was right when the server had come by to refill our beverages and I realized that I’d yelled “What?” so loudly that everyone in the restaurant had heard me, and Noel looked shocked and Dad looked shocked and the server looked triple-shocked for a second and then just turned and skittered off to wherever servers go.

  “Um, Hailey—” Dad sputtered.

  I grasped at my last straw. “Skyler,” I said. “Skyler. Her name is Skyler.”

  “Well, yes—”

  “And it’s your ‘understanding’ that she knows me. You’re sure? Do Crystal and Skyler have the same last name?”

  “Well, yes. It’s—”

  don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t

  “—Brandt.”

  Why don’t meteors ever land on your head when you really want them to?

  This couldn’t be real, I thought. I must be having a nightmare or being Punk’d or something. Was this Skyler’s final prank? If so, boy, she got me! Come on out, Ashton! Bring Justin Bieber with you! Let’s all have a good laugh!

  “Dad, please. Please tell me you’re kidding,” I pleaded.

  “Why?” Noel interjected. “What’s the deal with this girl?”

  “Now, as for Skyler, I understand you two aren’t exactly friends,” Dad said.

  So he knew? He knew he was bedding the evil monster who’d spawned the devil-child who’d become my mortal enemy?

  “This can’t be happening,” I said. I felt dizzy and sick and the circus in my stomach had moved to a more focused desire to now empty all its contents.

  “Hailey, seriously, what’s the deal?” Noel asked me. “What does he mean?”

  Sorry, Noel. I know you’re stressed out and confused too, but I can’t come to the rescue right now.

  I wasn’t quite sure what to say. Dad obviously didn’t know how ugly things were between me and Skyler. My head was reeling, but I tried to calm myself and see if I could gather some information.

  “Dad,” I said. “Yeah, I know who Skyler Brandt is. Everyone does. She’s like the most popular girl in our class, but why would you say we’re ‘not exactly friends’? Has Skyler talked about me?”

  “Well, no,” he said. “Not really, not to me. Skyler doesn’t really give me the time of day, honestly. I think she’s still a little unsure about my seeing her mother, though I hope she comes around in time.”

  You’re one stupidly optimistic idiot, I thought.

  Dad continued, “But you know, I ask Crystal how Skyler’s doing, and if your name ever came up, and, well, Crystal has a really hard time getting Skyler to talk to her too. I mean, it’s crazy. Like a few months ago, apparently some awful student humiliated Skyler by making a tape that went over the PA system claiming she had, I don’t know, some very embarrassing medical condition. You heard about that?”

  My heart felt like it would explode. “Uh … yeah. Yes. Really couldn’t miss it.”

  “Well, it was just awful. Dreadful. Anyway, Skyler didn’t even tell Crystal about it. I mean, this big horrible thing, right? Crystal was out of town that week, so she only heard the voice mail about it when she got back—your Principal Dash was apologizing, said the girl who broadcast it was being disciplined, but they didn’t know who made the tape.”

  “Jeez, Dad, what’s the point?” Noel asked.

  “I want to hear this,” I told Noel. “Dad, go on.”

  “Well, Skyler hadn’t said a word about it to her mother. And when Crystal asked her about it, she just said it was no big deal, that it was ‘all taken care of.’ Whatever that means. But Skyler’s had a tough time.”

  Oh good Lord, I thought. Save me the pity party for Miss Popular. “Okay, Dad, but … what does that have to do with me?”

  “Oh, well … I just meant that she doesn’t really confide in Crystal, and certainly not in me. She’s a bit of a weird bird. But I understand that early in the school year, Skyler had mentioned your name as someone hanging out with her and her friends. Then when Crystal asked about you later, Skyler said you’d had a falling-out. I thought that was unfortunate—it would have been great if you two were friends, under the circumstances—but I know high school can be weird like that. Things can change pretty quickly.”

  Tell me about it, I thought. While still disgusted at the idea that my dad was hooking up with Skyler’s mom, I was relieved to realize that Skyler hadn’t shared much of anything with them—or at least not with my dad. I had enough trouble dealing with school shit without my family getting involved, although I guess the way things were going, we were involved regardless.

  Noel turned to me. “Hailey, wait: You used to hang out with this girl? Our new … ‘stepsister’?” She said the last word while making the most bitter-looking air quotes you could imagine.

  I looked at Noel, sighing. “Remember in the email when I said the leader of the popular clique took me under her wing? And it turned out to be really stinky and awful and evil under that wing? So I broke the wing and flushed it down the toilet? Yeah. That was her.”

  “Um … yeah,” Noel said, sputtering. “Well, kind of…”

  “Jeez, Noel, did you even read it?”

  “Yeah, really quick … Anyway, so this girl’s really, really popular? That’s a little weird. I mean, good for you and all, but that’s never really been your deal, right? Did you seriously dump them? They didn’t dump you?”

  I glared at Noel. She locked eyes with me and held that gaze for a few seconds, but then she realized I wasn’t backing down. She glanced down at her plate.

  “Um, what do you mean it was evil under the wing?” Dad asked.

  I gave Dad the same death stare I’d just used on Noel. He seemed to figure out we weren’t going to explore that topic.

  “Well, I’m sorry you and Skyler had a falling-out,” he said. “But, hey, you’re both young, smart girls, I’m sure you can get past it.”

  Gawd, he’s more clueless than ever.

  “Dad, does Skyler know?�
�� I asked.

  “Know what?”

  “That you and Crystal are serious. That you’re leaving Mom. That I’m your daughter?”

  I was praying she didn’t. Because if she knew that her mom had stolen my dad away from our family … I couldn’t bear to think about the smug satisfaction she’d probably feel. That would be the ultimate fuck-you. Game over. She won.

  “I don’t believe she does,” he said. “Crystal and I agreed that it would be right to let you and Noel know first.”

  Oh really? Crystal and you agreed? How fucking thoughtful of you.

  A rock settled in the pit of my stomach. How would that conversation go? Would Skyler tell her mom and my dad all the crazy shit that happened over the past year? That I was behind the announcement? Not to mention BitchBook?

  The only upside to any of that: Maybe Dad and this fucking “Crystal” would part ways once they realized their daughters basically want to kill each other. (And seriously, what woman actually uses the name Crystal? Is she a stripper? A psychic? Both?)

  Dad was talking again, and I tuned him back in: “We hope that you two will become friends,” he said. “Who knows? Someday you could be family.”

  I pushed myself away from the table. Him saying that in all seriousness was more than I could bear. “Can you please take me home now?” I didn’t wait for his answer. “I’ll be waiting outside.”

  Noel got up and followed me out.

  Nobody spoke on the drive home.

  You don’t understand …

  —ALICE IN CHAINS

  “Down in a Hole”

  CHAPTER

  19

  Noel and I had pretty much gone straight to my room, where we chilled on the bed and talked. Though Mom had asked us how things had gone, I had no idea how to answer her, and no emotional energy left to even entertain the conversation. My whole life had changed in so many ways in forty-eight hours. I missed Chris and wished he’d return my messages, but no response so far.

  In my room, Noel and I hashed out our issues over the email and why we’d barely spoken this year. Talking to Noel was never something that came easy to me. Partially because she was older and cooler and I worried she would judge me and think I was stupid, and partially because we just never had that relationship. But siblings are important (especially as you get older and your parents get older, from what I’ve heard), so I decided it was time to try to build a closeness that we’d never had. Especially considering everything we’d just experienced in the last twenty-four hours. And what better way to create a new and lasting loyalty with your sister than to admit to having stolen and read her diary?

  Yeah, not so smooth.

  But then, it did feel like our relationship had changed, even in just the couple of days she’d been home. She’d changed since going to college. I’d changed since—well, since using her diary to make some big changes in my life, but life itself had changed the shit out of me all on its own too. Our relationship was different because we were different people.

  I didn’t dive right into the diary thing. We were both feeling hurt and angry, and it had been a long time since we really caught up, so we talked about college and high school and just some general things. I told her bits and pieces of how sophomore year had gone so far without bringing up the diary per se. But I knew I had to get to it eventually.

  Noel apologized again about not being more receptive to the email. Turns out college is a lot tougher and more stressful than I realized. She was stressed out all the time, and even after figuring out high school as well as she had (as I knew all too well), college was a whole different world.

  She talked about all the limitations in high school—go here, go there, you need a pass for this, a pass for that, don’t leave campus, don’t be in the wrong building. They’re annoying, sure, but there’s security, as she explained it, in those limitations. Once you get to college, no one’s forcing you to do this or do that. Show up for class, study and do your homework—or don’t. It’s all up to you. And that creates a lot of pressure, especially when you’re trying to have some sort of life outside the classroom.

  I’d never thought of it that way. It made sense. She also admitted she knew high school could be tougher than she’d suggested earlier, and I appreciated that. It was like the first really “adult” conversation we’d had in—okay, I think it’s the first “adult” conversation we’d ever had. And, yeah, we talked about sex. That was a little weird at first, but it was fun. She cracked up when I told her about the Altoids incident, but it just made me miss Chris all the more.

  After all that, it was going to be a tricky balance between admitting I’d screwed up while also heaping praise upon her: I mean, she’d written the plan of attack for a legion of girls at West Hollywood who basically idolized her. That was true. I did have that ego-stroke to work with.

  Still, I was petrified. After everything that happened, I needed her counsel. Her journal had all that wisdom, but now I needed more. I knew she was the only person in the world who could possibly help me get out of the ginormous mess I’d gotten into and maybe help rally the troops again—to get us past our petty differences and working together—but I didn’t know how she’d react.

  Noel had already had an epically bad day at this point, just like I had. Not exactly the best time to hit her with my massive invasion of her privacy. She’d be furious that I’d read her private thoughts and—much, much worse—also read them to ten or so other people. I just prayed that some sort of sisterly love might surface when she saw how bad I felt and how huge I’d screwed up.

  So I told her. That’s when something shocking happened.

  Noel didn’t get mad at me.

  In fact, she didn’t say much at all. I told her everything: how scared I was to move, how I found the diary and it was like a secret angel handshake from the sister I always wanted but never had, how I used her words, her attitude, her clothes to make friends … and how once I made those friends, I realized I couldn’t stand them. So I forged ahead and used my newfound confidence and attitude to make friendships with people I could relate to—even if they weren’t “popular.”

  I talked and talked and she just listened. Never interrupting, not saying anything, though she did have the most curious look on her face at times. I told her everything from beginning to end, and by the time I was done it was three in the morning and we were both exhausted. At the end, I apologized profusely and told her I’d understand if she never wanted to speak with me again, but she simply told me she wasn’t mad, but she was glad I’d admitted what happened. Pushing my luck, I asked if she’d come to an emergency Invisibles meeting I had planned.

  Noel smiled slightly and said:

  “Hailey, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  I have to admit that part of me worried that she was secretly pissed off and was planning to humiliate me in front of everyone. There were times in Noel’s past where that sort of nastiness emerged, though I guess that was true of every teenager at some point—including, quite recently, me. But I decided to hope for the best.

  We had the emergency meeting at Sweet Lady Jane, a coffee shop/bakery in West Hollywood that had ridic desserts for us to chow down on. Their cakes were these almost old-fashioned, beautiful floral creations made to perfection with delectable pastel colors and bonus: you could eat them! (Which we planned to do.)

  Noel wanted it to be a tea party of sorts; it was her idea to go there. My nerves were cranked up to a seventeen on a scale of one to ten, but when we arrived at Sweet Lady Jane, Noel was kind, calm and seemed to take on the elevated goddess-like status that had been unknowingly thrust upon her with a seamless grace. (Of course.)

  Needless to say, everyone was freaking out. Here she was: Noel Harper in the flesh. The Invisibles were freaking out. It was like Elvis showing up to speak at an Elvis impersonators’ convention.

  Anya and Emily were seated as far as possible from each other, because in my infinite wisdom and effort to screw up every
part of my life, I’d implied to Emily that she should probably not get too serious about Andy. Yeah, that was insanely stupid. She figured out the rest in a hostile Q-and-A session with Andy. Needless to say, Anya was even more pissed off at me, and now I’d added Andy to the list of people who hated me. (On the last point, my current attitude was “tough shit”: Whatever his history with Anya, he had no right to cheat on Emily. Though I suppose the same argument could be made for Anya, since she was supposedly Emily’s friend.)

  Kura, meanwhile … well, she looked like a mess. Her hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed all day, she wasn’t wearing any makeup that I could see. (I mean, even I thought she looked unpresentable, and I’m pretty chill. Skyler would lose her mind.) Kura was wearing sunglasses despite being indoors, which is never a good thing unless you’re Tom Cruise or an NFL wide receiver or … come to think of it, it’s never a good thing. (Get over yourself, people—you’re inside.) It briefly occurred to me that I’d been so wrapped up in all my stuff I’d barely paid any attention to her situation lately, but the ugly reality was this: I still had my own crap to handle right now. We all did.

  How to Be a Hater had turned into How to Be Hated in what seemed like the blink of an eye. And I guess I should have stayed out of Emily’s business, but I felt like I owed it to her as a friend to at least give her a little bit of a heads up. Plus, if I’m being honest, I was really pissed at Anya and I’m sure that played into it a little.

  So even though everyone was excited, a bunch of us weren’t even talking to each other. And while several were giving others the stink eye, Noel stood up in front of the group and said,

  “I appreciate you all showing up. I understand there’s some tension between some of you so it’s a testament to your friendship that you all came. Hailey’s told me all about the Invisibles and some of the, um, ‘projects’ you’ve been working on, inspired by my journal. Now, I don’t exactly recall promoting criminal misdemeanors and even felonies in my journal, but I must give you points for creativity.”