Her Secret Fantasy

by Gaelen Foley

  Now he couldn’t stop wondering how badly he might have had alienated her with his actions…and he was a little uneasy about why he cared quite so much.

  Once more, the restlessness had come back to plague him with all those unsettling questions that he tried his best to ignore. Questions about what his chosen career just might be doing to his soul.

  The shocked look on Lily’s face when she had seen him whip the coachman had brought them all rushing back. But if she thought that was bad, why, that was nothing compared to the average battle.

  Damn it, what was he doing with this girl, anyway? He was only putting his fragile alliance with Lundy at risk.

  And yet he could not seem to stay away from her. He felt so strangely drawn to her.

  Ah, hell, he was being absurd even thinking about it. Even if he weren’t going back to India, her family needed money and he wasn’t rich. Not like Lundy. His own clan was prosperous, of course, but he’d rather swallow his sword than go begging his father for an allowance like some callow boy.

  When a warm puff of air from a soft muzzle reached his cheek, he looked up with a wry smile as the mare nuzzled him. “I know, sweetheart. You’re welcome.”

  He stroked the mare’s shoulder and then felt to see if the water in the soaking pail was still warm.

  It turned out his blond-maned foundling had a lovely temperament. While applying the medicinal dressing, he had been pleasantly surprised by the horse’s sweet and trusting disposition despite the abuse. In his experience, most animals did not enjoy humans poking around at their wounds, especially if they had been cruelly treated, but the mare had let him put the poultice on her back without too much protest. Her docility led him to suspect she had been someone’s beloved pet before fate had cast her into the role of beast of burden, probably by way of the auction block.

  That was when it had dawned on him why she had not fared well on the driver’s team. She was a saddle horse! He could not determine with certainty the exact makeup of her mixed breed, but the lighter, more even development of her musculature hinted at her prior usage. She needed more meat on her bones, true, but she had a nice, clean confirmation.

  Certainly, Derek’s own excellent riding horse deemed the mare worthy of his attentions. The black stallion from Tattersall’s had been sending his compliments with amorous whinnies since they had arrived, sticking his head out of his stall and tossing his mane to gain her notice.

  The mare seemed to think her admirer a bit too forward.

  For his part, Derek had a strong notion of who ought to be her future owner. The horse would make a useful gift for Lily. If she had her own mount, it would be one less way in which she’d have to depend on the goodwill of others—that of her chaperone or her suitor. He knew that it bothered her pride to have to rely on others for everything. He decided that this was a capital plan. He’d fix the mare up and give her to someone he knew would never abuse her.

  Satisfied that the hoof had had a good soaking, Derek made the mare lift her leg out of the bucket, moved it aside, and proceeded to rub the leg and hoof dry with soft, clean towels. Bending over, he took another look at the soft underside of the hoof, the injured frog, and shrugged to himself. Time would tell.

  Then he let the mare put her foot down and straightened up, giving her a pat on the neck.

  “How is your patient, Major?” a soft voice asked from behind him.

  Derek turned in surprise. “Lily!”

  Hoping the jolt to his heart at the sight of her did not entirely show on his face, he reined in his reaction, wiping his hands on a towel. “What are you doing here?” he asked in a warm and easy tone.

  “Visiting the sick,” she said. “It’s what we genteel ladies do.”

  With her slender hourglass shape silhouetted against the bright daylight beyond the wide-open barn doors, she sauntered closer, pushing her straw bonnet back and letting it hang behind from the ribbons tied around her neck. Drawing off her tan kid gloves, she reached into the basket hooked over her arm and pulled out a carrot. “I come bearing gifts. May I?”

  “Please.” Unable to take his eyes off her, Derek gestured toward the horse. “You are alone?” he asked in surprise when no maid appeared behind her and no Mrs. Clearwell.

  “Only for a brief visit.”

  “How venturesome of you, Miss Balfour.”

  She flicked a wary glance over the bare part of his chest where his white shirt fell open. “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all,” he murmured heartily.

  She made a show of turning her attention back to the sorrel. “So, how is she?”

  “On the whole, I’d say she’s glad to be rid of this.” He picked up the sharp, nasty, little stone that had been lodged in the mare’s right front shoe. “That’s what was making her limp.”

  “Look at that, Lord! It would make me limp, too. Poor girl. Is she going to be all right?”

  He had to jerk himself out of the spell of watching her hand stroking the animal’s soft hide. He would have liked to know how that gentle caress would have felt on his skin. “Hard to say.” He looked away, hands on his hips, hoping his hunger for her wasn’t too terribly obvious. “Any wound to the soft parts under the hoof can turn serious, but I’m optimistic we caught it in time.”

  “She looks happy.”

  He smiled at her, charmed by the pink in her cheeks from her walk here as she set the basket aside, then untied her bonnet strings and put her hat with it.

  As Lily began making friends with the mare, feeding her a couple of carrots and one of the apples from her basket, Derek’s gaze traveled over her slim figure in lush admiration. She had changed into simpler attire, a plain blue walking dress with a light, open, beige pelisse that skimmed her curves down to her knees. He had seen her dressed in ball gowns, but he decided that he liked her best of all just like this.

  Warm. Accessible. Even her smile seemed easier.

  Her mask and sparkly costume were far behind them now. He got the feeling he was finally seeing the real Lily.

  Before he knew it, he was caught up in staring at the flowing tendrils of golden hair that had escaped from the loose and pleasantly dishabille chignon at her nape.

  “What?” Lily murmured, smiling back.

  He shook his head, mystified. “I’m just surprised to see you, that’s all. I mean, it’s a bit of a risk to your reputation, is it not?”

  “I had to come and check on her. And on you,” she added with a probing glance at him. Then she let the mare nibble another apple from her hand, leaving him to wonder what she intended as far as he was concerned. “I can’t believe how much better she’s doing. She’s precious. Are you sure this is the same horse?”

  “That’s her,” he replied as he turned away and emptied the bucket of used water out the stall window.

  “I’m impressed with you, Major. Veterinarian, surgeon, child-minder, lobbyist…warrior.”

  “Er, yes, about that,” he said in chagrin, putting the empty pail aside. “I really am sorry—”

  “Don’t be.” With a small, knowing chuckle, she reached out and gave his arm a swift, reassuring touch. “It’s all right. That’s why I came, actually. I had a feeling you’d think I was cross.”

  “You should be cross.” He furrowed his brow, puzzled. “I acted like a barbarian.”

  “Maybe, but it would be hypocritical of me to judge you, wouldn’t it, when I was so adamant that you not judge me—as a fortune hunter, remember?”

  Derek remembered.

  “Anyway, when I got back to Mrs. Clearwell’s today, guess who was waiting for me?”

  Derek halted. “Lundy?” The air seemed to evaporate out of his lungs. “Did he finally propose, then?”

  “No.” She sent him a rueful smile, still petting the horse. “He was acting strange. Asking questions. Saying odd things.”

  His stare homed in on her. “What sorts of things?”

  “He heard about our walk last night.”

 
“Are you sure that’s all he heard about?”

  “I think so.” Lily paused. “He made a point of telling me he wasn’t jealous, actually. Why should he be?” she added wryly. “He knows my situation.”

  Hands on hips, Derek clenched his jaw and looked at the ground. “So, what did he want?”

  “He wanted to know if you had been plying me with questions about his holdings and possessions.” She shrugged. “I think he’s afraid you’re only pretending friendship with him because he’s rich and you’re a younger son. I guess he’s grown accustomed to people trying to use him for his wealth. But you and I both know that you would never do that.” She glanced at him with guilt reflected in her big, blue eyes for her own motives in pursuing the nabob. “Can you…think of any other reason why Edward might not trust you, Derek?”

  Of course he could. The investigation. Though he couldn’t tell her that.

  So, Derek mused, his supposed ally Lundy did not trust him, after all. No more, it seemed, than Derek trusted him. Lundy must have realized that Derek had not yet cleared him from the list of suspects.

  But, bloody hell, bringing the girl into the middle of their chess game was a boundary Derek refused to cross.

  She was waiting for his answer, but he side-stepped the question.

  “Did he say anything else of note?”

  “Only that he wanted me to tell him if you ever asked how much he’s worth. I agreed,” she added with an earnest glance.

  “Well, then, it seems I have been warned,” he said dryly.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “How did you mean it, then?” He unhooked the sorrel from the cross-ties.

  At once, the mare ambled over to the far corner of her new stall and lowered her head to investigate the pile of fresh hay that Derek had thrown down.

  Lily’s cheeks had turned red. “I don’t know. In any case, you do not need to worry. I managed to put Edward’s fears at ease.”

  “I wasn’t worried—and how did you do that?”

  She ignored his jealous question with an impatient shake of her head. “I just wanted to let you know he’s not really being as open with you as he’s probably pretending to be.”

  “Well,” Derek said philosophically, his pulse pounding out an angry beat, “that’s mutual, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean I’m standing in a box stall with his future wife, and all I can think about is how much I want to kiss her. He’d be a fool to trust me.” Derek paused, slowly curling one of the cross-tie ropes around his hand, looping the circle of rope on its peg. “And so would you.”

  The pink in her cheeks had darkened at his bold words. She glanced at him longingly, then dropped her gaze.

  Derek closed his eyes, throbbing.

  Think.

  “You should go,” he murmured hoarsely.

  “I don’t want to,” she whispered, moving closer to him. “Derek—I’m confused.”

  “So am I.”

  He was practically panting, wanted to lay her down in the hay right now, but he held back, recalling her shocked look in the midst of his brawl. And now here she stood, offering herself. God, he did not know what to make of her.

  “Lily, you don’t want a man like me,” he informed her brusquely, running his hand through his hair. “I saw how you looked at me back in that street, but you have no idea.”

  “I’m not afraid,” she breathed, taking another step closer to him. “Derek—I want to help you.”

  At once, he went on his guard. “Help me?”

  Her soft words brought back the aftertaste of despair that he had come to know in his nightmares, that hellish world of smoke and death where he was so alone.

  “Last night when we stood by the river, you grew distant all of a sudden—as if something in your thoughts had disturbed your peace of mind. And then today, I saw that same look in your eyes, that same wild, ferocious look. You are—in pain, I think.”

  He felt unmasked. Naked. He did not know how to answer.

  He was so unnerved by her perceptiveness that all he could manage to do in this moment was lie. “I’m fine, really.”

  “No,” she implored him. “You’re not. You told me you are an honest man, so prove it. Tell me what is wrong.”

  “What do you want me to say?” he exclaimed, backing away until he reached the interior wall of the box stall. He leaned against it, struggling for words. “Obviously, I am out of my element here.”

  “Where?”

  “This city, this country, this continent! I don’t belong here. I’m glad I met you, of course, but frankly it was never my desire to come to England. These were my orders, and what my family wanted me to do.”

  “You’re homesick? Is that it? Because, Derek, believe me, I certainly know how that feels—”

  “No, it’s not that.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “There’s a war on! Why can’t anyone here seem to get that through their heads? I should be in India with my men! I’m sick with worry for them. I can’t even think about it. Without me there to lead them…” He shook his head and looked away with a low growl of frustration. “This mission of mine to secure the Army funds—it was more of a punishment than a promotion, if you must know.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded in disdain. “My lofty family ties were deemed useful for the task, but the real reason I was chosen for this assignment was to teach me a lesson. My command was temporarily suspended, my post reassigned to another officer. I have no way of knowing if he’s any good, and the only way they’re going to put me back where I belong is if I bring them back their damned Army funds.”

  “Why? What did you do?”

  “What did I do?” He snorted, eyeing her with no idea of how she might react. Then he shrugged. “I killed a few palace guards inside the fortress of a maharajah.”

  Her eyes widened.

  “I had no choice. Their prince went after my sister. We had to protect her—Gabriel and I. Unfortunately, this was not well received. Our colonel nearly had to hand us over to the maharajah to be beheaded for breaking local Hindu law.”

  Her jaw dropped, and he supposed he’d better explain.

  “You met my sister’s husband, Lord Griffith. He came to India on a diplomatic mission to negotiate a treaty with the Maharajah of Janpur. Gabriel and I were chosen to head up his security detail, providing armed escort into hostile territory. Well, Georgie managed to invite herself along, and let’s just say chaos tends to follow in my sister’s wake. So, Gabriel and I, we did what we had to do, and people died,” he said grimly. “Including the prince, by Gabriel’s sword, and most of his bodyguards, by mine. Their deaths cost me my command, while Gabriel very nearly lost his life. We were both removed from our posts to appease the maharajah. If Georgie’s snooping had not uncovered the fact that the prince had been plotting against his father, my brother and I would’ve been headless months ago.”

  She winced at his graveyard humor.

  He shrugged. “What else could we do? Let that royal bastard harm our sister? We had no choice. It was us or them.”

  “Well, goodness,” she said faintly. “After all of that, does your brother want to go back to India, too?”

  “No.” Derek fell silent. “He was nearly killed right at the end of our battle. He’s still not quite himself. So far, he has no interest in getting his old post back. He said the brush with death has made him rethink how he lives his life.”

  “I see.” Lily tilted her head, studying him. “And it didn’t have that effect on you at all?”

  “No!” he replied with great, stubborn vehemence, refusing to acknowledge these exact doubts that had plagued his mind for months now.

  “Oh—I see.” She gave him a dubious look.

  “War is what I know, Lily. I don’t want to start over. I’m a soldier. This is what I’m trained to do, and I’m good at it. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I know you think I acted like a
barbarian today—and you’re right. But the truth is, what you saw was only the barest glimpse of what I’m capable of, the kinds of things I’ve done many times over. That’s why I got so angry in Hyde Park when you called me a killer. Because, unfortunately—” He took a deep breath. “There’s a grain of truth to that. How am I supposed to forget it all and suddenly become a civilian? I don’t even think it’s possible for me.”

  “Of course it’s possible, Derek.” She gazed at him in compassion and slowly shook her head. “All these things you’ve done, it must be such a burden to carry. How do you manage to live with it all?”

  “You just don’t think about it,” he said.

  She veiled her gaze behind her lowered lashes. “Don’t you think it’s taken enough of a toll on you already? Maybe your family’s right. Going back for more cannot be good for you.”

  “My men are still there. It isn’t good for them. Why should I have it easy?”

  “Derek.”

  He swallowed hard. “I don’t belong here, Lily. Today made that abundantly clear. Maybe I’m too far gone to fit in with civilization anymore. At least on the battlefront, I fit right in with…all the other savages.”

  “Derek, that coachman today was the real savage,” she countered with a firm stare, gesturing toward the sorrel mare. “And so were all the other people who drove right on by without even stopping to help. They didn’t care. You call yourself a barbarian, but you were the only one who even noticed this poor horse’s hell.”

  “And now you’ve noticed mine,” he answered quietly, looking into her eyes. What am I supposed to do?

  Going back meant returning to Hell. Staying here was making him lunatic. He was damned either way.

  “How can I help you?” she whispered as she slowly closed the space between them.

  “Have you got a gun?” he drawled with a grim smile as he opened his shirt and showed her his heart.

  “That’s not funny!” she scolded in answer to his mordant jest. But she pressed her hand and then her lips softly to his chest, and the tenderness she gave him shook him to the core.

  Derek closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Words failed him as her lips caressed his chest as if to kiss the broken heart inside him. The lure of her beauty was too much to bear.