Bullet ab-19

by Laurell K. Hamilton

  “There were other things I wanted from you, Micah, but wasn’t it Machiavelli who said, ‘It is better to be loved than feared, but if you cannot be loved, then fear will do.’ Well, you don’t love me, so I will settle.”

  “You are not doing all this just because I don’t like boys,” Micah said.

  Asher laughed again, and this one hurt, as if the sound of it had bits of glass to rend the skin. It was an illusion, a vampire power, and I should have been proof against it; that I wasn’t meant that Asher had grown in power since last he’d tried shit like this.

  “When I believed that I let it go, but I saw you tonight at the dance. I saw you with your kitten, and you like him well enough.”

  “Wait, are you doing all this because you think Micah is . . . doing Nathaniel, but not you? That’s such a girl reason for a fight.”

  “No, it’s not,” Asher said. “It’s a very male reason for a fight. A man’s ego can only take so much rejection, Anita.”

  “Oh my God,” Micah said.

  Again he was ahead of me. “What? What did you figure out that I haven’t?”

  Micah looked at Jean-Claude. “You sleep in the same bed with him almost every night. We find you naked together dead to the world during the day when none of us are with you. Are you really telling me that you and he aren’t—”

  “Aren’t what?” I asked.

  Nathaniel answered, “Lovers.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “They aren’t lovers.”

  “Who aren’t lovers?”

  “Jean-Claude and Asher,” Nathaniel said.

  I turned and looked at Jean-Claude. I just looked at him. “Are you telling me that even when I’m not with you, you’re still not . . .”

  “No, he’s not,” Asher said, “and when I say not, I mean not anything. He thinks that if you came into the room and caught us doing it, it would distress you.” Since that could be a long list, I just stared at Asher.

  Asher laughed, and this one was almost ordinary. “Look at their faces, Jean-Claude; our nearest and dearest all thought we were together as of old.”

  I turned to Jean-Claude. “Are you saying that you’ve had him in our bed, in your bed, naked all this time and you still haven’t . . . been, oh, hell, you aren’t completely lovers?”

  “And what would you have done if you walked in on us being lovers, ma petite?”

  “I’d have been a lot less upset than if I caught you with another woman,” I said.

  “But you would be upset,” he said.

  “I don’t know, I . . . we do Asher together. We’ve all been in the bed together, the five of us, in various ways. I mean . . . I honestly thought you were saving the more intimate stuff for when I wasn’t there.”

  “You have taught me to fear your moral compass, ma petite. I never wish to be on the wrong side of it again.”

  “But it’s Asher, it’s him, you love him, you have loved him for centuries.”

  “He loves you more,” Asher said. “He loves you enough to have refused me again and again, to have stopped my touch, my body, and if you attract one more mostly heterosexual man to our little group I am going to do something violent,” Asher said. Then he laughed again, and it held sorrow and something bitter in it. “But wait, I’ve decided to do something violent tonight.” He looked at the guards who were frozen by the curtains trying to pretend they weren’t listening. “Perses, Dares, come stand by me.”

  The two werehyenas looked at each other, and then the blond said, “We’d rather just leave you two to discuss things. This sounds more personal than bodyguard.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. I want to make my point and the two of you will help me do that.” He held out his arm and called them to him. He called them the way Jean-Claude could call wolves and I could call so many animals. He opened up his power and it filled the room like something cool and thick. I felt it touch me as it flowed by, almost like I should have been able to wrap it in my hands. He called the werehyenas and they simply turned and went to him. They took up posts behind the loveseat, at Asher’s back. They faced the room like that, and it was very clear that the two werehyenas were with Asher, and not us.

  “Don’t do this,” Micah said.

  “There are no leopards here to help you, little king. There are no wolves to aid Jean-Claude, and the rats belong to no one. I am the only master in this room who has help at hand.”

  “Not true,” Micah said.

  “Do you mean our kitten? I don’t think you want to risk him against me.”

  “I’m not talking about me at all,” Micah said. He looked at me.

  I shook my head. “Don’t make me do this.”

  “He’s setting up the rules, not me,” Micah said.

  “If you mean Anita, then save your breath, leopard. She and I established that she’d bow to me long ago.”

  I looked at the vampire. “What does that mean exactly?”

  “You let me dominate you in the bedroom along with our kitten.”

  “In the bedroom is different.”

  “You once let me feed until I almost drained you dry. You and I both know that I stopped myself from killing you; you would have let me do it, and enjoyed it right up until the moment you died.”

  He was talking about the last time we’d been alone and he’d fed from me. His vampire power was to make his bite orgasmic, and it was, and what he’d just said was absolutely right. In that one moment I wouldn’t have fought to live; it had felt too good to stop. He and I had never told anyone the entire truth of it before. We’d simply avoided being alone together for feedings.

  “Don’t push me, Asher.”

  “Or what? You’ll kill me? I don’t think so.”

  “Just as you won’t kill us,” Jean-Claude said, softly, “and if death is off the table, then what is left to prove?”

  “That I have grown too powerful to be your second. I need a territory of my own and lovers who aren’t ashamed of me.”

  “We aren’t ashamed of you.”

  “The men are, and he”—he pointed at Jean-Claude—“says he refuses my body because you would reject him if you saw us together. I told him you were with him and Augustine, Master of Chicago, and you did not turn from what happened, or from Jean-Claude. But it was when I saw your cats kissing in public that I knew that Jean-Claude had lied. You have no problem sharing yourself with men who are sharing each other; it is Jean-Claude who doesn’t want to be with me again. You are his excuse to keep me from that last part of him.”

  “I don’t know what you thought you saw at the recital,” Micah said.

  “I saw two men who love each other and aren’t afraid to show it in public. Don’t deny it.”

  “I had no intention of denying how I feel about Nathaniel.” Nathaniel laid his head on Micah’s shoulder, and Micah reached a hand up to touch the taller man’s face. It always seemed odd that Nathaniel was taller than Micah, but dominance isn’t always about height.

  “Please, can the guards go for the rest of this discussion?” I asked.

  “See, you are embarrassed by me.”

  “I’m embarrassed in general.”

  “I am not.”

  I met his too-calm, too-arrogant face, and said, “Fine, fucking fine, let’s do this.” I turned to Jean-Claude. “Are you telling me that you haven’t been his lover because you thought I’d leave you?”

  “You’ve gone away for months for much lesser offenses of your small-town morality.”

  “That was a while ago, Jean-Claude, give me some credit here. If you and Asher want to be together . . .”

  “Be lovers,” Asher said.

  I gave him an unfriendly look, but turned back to Jean-Claude. “Fine, if you and Asher want to be lovers when I’m not in the bed, that’s okay with me.”

  “Non, ma petite, non.”

  “It is you who is afraid of being with me,” Asher said. “I cannot live like this, and eventually I will give in to Narcissus if I have no o
ne else to turn to.”

  “If I say I’m fine with it, then why not?” I asked.

  “Asher assumes that Micah and Nathaniel are doing what I will not; are they lovers?”

  I wanted to squirm and fought not to. “Why don’t you ask them—they’re standing right here.”

  He looked at the men. “Are you lovers?”

  Nathaniel said yes, and Micah said no, at the same time. Asher laughed, and this laugh held humor. “How can you not know?”

  “Micah loves me. He takes care of me. We sleep nude in the bed even if Anita is out of town. I clean his house, I fix his meals. We touch each other in private. We just don’t do certain things.”

  “You don’t sodomize each other,” Asher offered.

  “Yeah,” Nathaniel said, and he almost smiled, but not like he was happy. “We don’t do that.”

  “It’s not to every man’s taste. Even those who like men are not always sodomites,” Jean-Claude said.

  “But Micah doesn’t think you are lovers, do you, Micah?” Asher asked. I realized that Asher wasn’t just going to try to tear down what he and Jean-Claude and I had; he was going to try to tear down everyone.

  Micah took a deep breath and let it out in a loud rush. “I guess I thought that if we weren’t fucking each other, we weren’t lovers.”

  “So Nathaniel is trapped as I am trapped, wanting, but never having.”

  Nathaniel said, “I think I like girls a little better than you do, so it’s not as big an issue for me.”

  “If Micah would fuck you in the ass, would you say no?”

  I so wanted out of this conversation, but it was like a car accident: Once you started spinning you could only wait and see what you hit.

  “No,” Nathaniel said.

  “Liar,” Asher said.

  Nathaniel started to smile, fought it off, and said, “You’ve seen him nude. I’ve never had anyone that large do anal sex on me. I think it might hurt.”

  “You are a pain slut. You like hurt,” Asher said.

  “In most ways, yes, but I was raped as a kid, so I like anal sometimes and I miss it, but I don’t like it to hurt. Hurting like that is a trigger event. It throws me back into being raped.” He shook his head, a little too rapidly. “I think if I’d been treated better, then I probably would like it, but I wasn’t, and we do together almost everything that I want to do.”

  Asher said, “I am sorry, Nathaniel; in my own hurt feelings I forgot that other people have been hurt, too. But I will not let even your sad story stop this conversation. We will have it out, and then when I am rejected one last time I will go and stay with Narcissus until arrangements can be made for us to leave.”

  “The werehyenas are a third, or more, of the security for Jean-Claude,” Micah said.

  “Not my problem,” Asher said.

  “You’d really cut our manpower that badly, knowing that there are masters out there who would see that as weakness and try to kill us?” I asked.

  “I cannot stay here and have my heart broken over and over, Anita. I will go mad. Either I must be someone’s lover, or I must go.”

  “Wait,” I said, “you’re my lover. You’re my lover in every way that any other man has been. I haven’t denied you any part of me.”

  He looked at me, and I gave him a look back. “Oh, come on, just because I don’t like anal. No one else gets to do that, either.”

  “It’s not you he wants,” Micah said.

  Asher looked at him. “Are you saying it’s you I’m pining over?”

  “You said that Jean-Claude loved Anita better than you; well, don’t you love Jean-Claude better than you love Anita?”

  Asher looked at Micah, and finally he nodded. “Touché, Nimir-Raj. I have loved Jean-Claude for centuries, so yes. Did you know that I chose Julianna as my human servant because I feared I was losing Jean-Claude’s love?”

  Jean-Claude said something rapid in French. He was sitting forward and looked startled at last.

  Asher went on. “I never told you because it was too pathetic. You know I like women, but I like men more. Didn’t you ever puzzle at why I chose to tie myself to a woman as my human servant?”

  “You loved her,” Jean-Claude said.

  “Eventually, but I chose her for you. I knew what you liked and I shopped with an eye for keeping you, not for satisfying myself, and it worked. It worked better than I could have dreamed. I should have realized that I had set myself up for the two people I loved most in the world to love each other more than they loved me.”

  Jean-Claude made as if to reach out to the other man, and then let his hand fall back. “We did not mean to hurt you.”

  “You never mean to hurt me, Jean-Claude, but you do seem to keep doing it.” He turned back to us. “What does Micah deny you, Nathaniel? What do you want him to do that he will not?”

  Nathaniel looked at Micah, who just nodded. No one looked at me; in that moment it was just the men. “I’d like him to go down on me and do me by hand.”

  “You are denied everything I am denied; how can you be happy?”

  “I just am,” Nathaniel said.

  “He’s not denied everything,” Micah said.

  “I have heard the truth,” Asher said.

  That first roll of power trickled off of Micah’s skin. His beast peeking out with his anger. “He said he wanted me to go down on him and do him by hand.”

  “Exactement.”

  “You only hear what you want to hear tonight, Asher. Let’s just say I can prove that Nathaniel really does have absolutely no gag reflex.”

  There was a moment of thunderous silence. Micah glared at Asher. Nathaniel looked pleased and tried not to. I had no safe place to look and no idea what expression to wear.

  “Was Anita with you?” Jean-Claude asked.

  “Yes,” Micah said.

  “Ma petite.”

  I didn’t want to look at him.

  “Ma petite, look at me.”

  I’ve turned and faced men with guns when it took less courage than to meet Jean-Claude’s eyes in that moment. “This is a recent change?”

  I nodded.

  “What did you think? How did you feel about it?”

  I so did not want to discuss this in front of people, but damn it, if I was really all right with it, why was it embarrassing? Damn it. “Without the ardeur I have a gag reflex, and Micah . . .”

  “Is bien outillé, well hung, oui,” Jean-Claude said.

  “Yes, so one afternoon we took turns going down on Micah.” I said it fast as if that made it sound more ladylike, but some things just aren’t ladylike and sucking a man’s dick is one of them. I loved doing it, but . . . Oh, hell. I was blushing so hard I was light-headed. I thought I’d stopped blushing like that, damn it.

  Micah and Nathaniel each touched an arm, which meant I looked as shaky as I felt.

  “And have you done it since?” Jean-Claude asked.

  I swallowed and concentrated. I would not faint. I never fainted. Fuck. I kept a good hold on both their arms and said, “Not the taking turns part, but Nathaniel going down on Micah, yes.”

  “And you are all right with it?”

  “Jesus, Jean-Claude, I’m not the small-town virgin that you found years ago. Give me some credit for being a little more open-minded. The three of us have shared a bed for over two years.”

  “You are right, ma petite; I remembered you as of old and didn’t trust you.”

  “So, you would be all right with Jean-Claude and me being lovers.”

  “Yes.”

  “Would you be all right in bed with us while we touched?” Jean-Claude asked.

  “Depends on the touch, but I like men. When you and I did Augustine together, I learned I liked seeing men kiss each other, and I love watching Nathaniel and Micah together. I love . . . Look, don’t blame this mess on me. I didn’t keep you from Asher; you decided that on your own.”

  “I thought it was you I was protecting, but Asher is right, it was me.�
� He looked at the other man. “You almost consumed me once before Julianna. It wasn’t that you were a man that had made me withdraw, it was that your power works on vampires, too. You were very close to making me your slave, and if I wasn’t willing to be Belle Morte’s slave, then I wouldn’t be yours.”

  “So another man brought in would have worked as well?” Asher asked.

  Jean-Claude smiled and shook his head. “No, you chose well for my heart. Julianna was everything I could have dreamed of in a woman at that time.”

  “You don’t have to add the at that time for my benefit, Jean-Claude. I know you loved her; hell, I’ve felt the memories.”

  “The person who loved Julianna died when she died.”

  “We all died that day,” Asher said.

  “Yes,” Jean-Claude said.

  The silence sat for a minute full of old sorrow and older loss. Then Micah said, “But if Anita were with you, would you want to be Asher’s lover?”

  Jean-Claude looked at Micah, then at me, and finally he looked directly across the room at Asher. “Yes.”

  “Just empty words,” Asher said, “to save your hyenas and your power base.”

  Jean-Claude stood up and held his hand out to me. “Ma petite.” I admit I hesitated, but I went and took his hand. Then Jean-Claude turned and held out his hand to the other vampire.

  Asher said, “You mean now?”

  “You say words are empty. Let me show you actions.”

  I looked from one to the other of them, and fought a sudden panicking feeling in my stomach. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but it was all moving a little too fast for me and I had a niggling feeling that I was missing something.

  Asher stood up. The werehyenas behind him asked, “What do you want us to do?”

  “Whatever you were doing. Do your jobs.” He went to Jean-Claude’s outstretched hand without a backward glance at the two shapeshifters, and that was why Asher would probably never have his own territory. It wasn’t lack of power, but lack of wanting power. He would always let his heart overrule his head, and Masters of the City don’t survive long making decisions like that.

  Jean-Claude led us toward the curtains. The guards standing there scattered as if we’d shouted Boo. Jason was on the other side of them. He raised eyebrows, and just his expression let me know he’d heard and knew what was happening. I reached out my free hand and he gave me his. The moment I touched him his power flared over me like heat in a summer meadow. It felt so good, and then I smelled trees, leaves, forest, and I knew that there were more wolves just outside the big dungeon door.