The Hearts Series

by L.H. Cosway

  I said goodbye to everyone and made my way out of the gazebo. Just as I turned in the direction of town, a strong hand gripped my arm, and I yelped. Aside from a few dim street lights, it was dark out here, and mostly everyone was gone now.

  I turned, and my heart stuttered when I found Jack standing behind me, his dark eyebrows drawn into a frown.

  “You shouldn’t come,” he said, voice low.

  “Let go of me,” I complained, feeling nervous and trying to pull my arm from his grasp. When he realised how tight his grip was, his eyes widened, and he dropped my arm. I turned and began walking again, more speedily this time, wanting to get away from him. No matter how hot he was, I didn’t trust being alone on a dark road with a strange man.

  I could hear his steady, booted pace behind me, and I didn’t know why he was following me. My skin prickled with apprehension, and I pulled my phone out of my bag, pretending to dial my mum and proceeding to carry out a one-sided conversation.

  “Hi, Mum, it’s me. I’m on my way home now. Yeah. I’m on Frederick Street. See you in a minute.”

  I’m not sure why I thought letting Jack know that someone was waiting for me would deter him from harming me, but it was the only thing I could think of, and I didn’t have anything on me that could be used as a weapon. Plus, I couldn’t actually call my mother, since I’d sneaked out to go to the circus and she thought I was still in my room, tucked up safely in bed.

  His deep chuckle sounded from behind me as I slid my phone back into my bag.

  “Would you like to make a fake call to the police as well?” he asked in amusement.

  I scowled and stopped walking, spinning around on him. “It wasn’t fake. And why the hell are you following me anyway?” My voice came out high-pitched and frightened. I hated how I sounded.

  “Do you always walk home alone at night?” He was frowning again.

  “That’s none of your business. Now, please stop following me. It’s creepy.”

  He took a step forward, closing the distance between us. “I’m making sure you get home safe. Don’t be so ungrateful. How much farther is your house?”

  The way he spoke made me feel scolded. I looked back and forth between his eyes, trying to decipher if he was being honest. All I got in return was his smouldering dark gaze and neither honesty nor dishonesty. He was like a vault, locked up tight. I was never going to be able to read him.

  “You could have told me that in the first place. Don’t you know it’s weird to just randomly start following someone?”

  He slowly blinked at me and repeated his question. “How much farther is your house?”

  “We’re almost there. I’ll be fine from here. I’m sorry for snapping at you,” I said, and began walking again. He kept up the pace beside me. I sighed.

  “I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’d rather you not know where I live. For my own peace of mind, you understand?”

  He tilted his head down at me, a quizzical look on his face, which made me feel like I needed to explain further.

  “You’re a stranger. A kind of scary-looking stranger, if I’m being honest, no offence. So leading you right to where I live would be dumb, right?”

  He almost smiled, and wow, when Jack McCabe almost smiled, it really was something to behold. I wasn’t sure I could handle a full one. “I’m good scary, Lille. The kind that frightens off bad scary.”

  I was surprised that he’d remembered my name. I’m not sure what possessed me to say what I did next, and I regretted it instantly. “Pinky promise you’re not a psycho killer?” I held out my little finger to him, and he simply stared at it.

  “I’m not a psycho killer.”

  Feeling stupid, I dropped my hand and considered his answer. Perhaps he was trying to be nice and make sure I got home safe. Then another idea struck me. Was he interested in walking me home because he wanted sex? I looked at him as he strode along, gaze straight ahead. It was almost like he’d read my thoughts, because he turned to me then, his voice deep and husky. “If I wanted to fuck you, you’d know about it.”

  I shivered. I didn’t think a man had ever referred to fucking me before, which was sad. And it was even sadder that the first time it happened it was a man referring to the fact that he didn’t want to. I let out a long breath and tried not to let my feelings be hurt.

  Tugging my coat tighter around myself as we reached my street, I told him, “Well, you don’t mince your words, do you?”

  He shook his head. “Don’t see the point.”

  “Okay. I’m home now. You’ve done your duty.” I opened my garden gate and stepped inside.

  He called after me. “Remember what I said, Lille. You shouldn’t come with us. You think it’s going to be all fun and games, running away with the circus, but it’s not. It’s hard work with little sleep and shit pay. It’s for people who don’t have homes and mothers who worry about them. It’s not the life for you.”

  “I’m not trying to make it my life, Jack. And I never even said I was coming.”

  “Good. Don’t.”

  “I can make my own decisions.”

  “So make the right one.”

  We stared at each other for a long time, almost like we were having a stand-off. I felt triumphant when he was the one to walk away first.

  I didn’t sleep a wink that night. When I got to my room, I sat on my bed, rubbing my hands back and forth over the blanket, my mind racing. I was nearly out of time. I had to make a decision. I mean, running away with the circus was all rainbows and lollipops in theory, but what if I couldn’t hack the reality? I had about four hundred euros in savings to my name and little else. Would I make enough money painting faces to get by?

  I was such a coward. The danger was what I wanted. Adventure was something I craved. I had to quit worrying. Steely determination came over me as I pulled out my suitcase and began packing. Of course, I didn’t quite get over all of my fear, as instead of telling Mum in person, I decided to leave her a note. Yeah, I was that type of gutless wonder. But my mother was scary in a way that few people understood. I wasn’t sure there’d ever be a time when her disappointment wouldn’t cut me to the quick.

  I was twenty-one. A fully grown woman. I didn’t need her permission to do anything anymore.

  Now all I had to do was convince myself to believe it.

  She was going to blow a gasket when she found my letter. I was hoping I’d be on a ferry halfway to France by the time that happened. I sealed the letter in an envelope and set it down on my dresser. I managed to squeeze the majority of my clothes into my suitcase, and I threw a small duffel with my sleeping bag in it over my shoulder. I wasn’t quite sure what my sleeping arrangements were going to be.

  If worst came to worst, I could sleep on somebody’s floor, right?

  I was still wearing the same outfit as the night before when I quietly slipped out of my house at seven in the morning. I could hear Mum moving around in her room, so I knew she’d just woken up. Thankfully, I managed to get out before she noticed. As I hurried down the street, my heart pumped a mile a minute. I loved the thrill of feeling like I was getting away from her. Freeing myself from the prison of quiet desperation I’d been living in.

  When I got into town, I stopped by an ATM machine and withdrew all of my savings, shoving the notes into my duffle. I called my boss Nelly and explained to her that I wouldn’t be able to work for the rest of the summer. She gave me hell and told me not to come looking for a reference, which I’d expected, but I winced as she spoke angrily down the line all the same.

  When I got to the circus, it wasn’t a circus anymore. The entire thing had been packed away, presumably in one of the large cargo trucks. All that was left was a field full of camper vans. Marina sat on a step outside her motor home, sipping from a mug of coffee and smoking a cigarette, while Pierre sat on her lap, making cute little noises.

  “I’ve been expecting you,” she said, eyes smiling.

  I was out of breath when I stopped by her
and leaned against the side of the van. I felt like I’d been running ever since I left my house. My heart was still pounding. Mum could be reading my letter right this moment. I could just imagine the vein in her forehead throbbing in outrage.

  “You sure you still want me along?” I asked, and she laughed.

  “Of course I do, sweetheart. Wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t. I’ve been watching you work in that restaurant all week, and I know a girl desperate for travel when I see one. You’ll fit right in with us here.”

  When Pierre saw me, he jumped off Marina’s lap and came ambling towards me.

  “He’s adorable,” I said.

  “Don’t let the innocent little face fool you,” said Marina. “He’s as shrewd as they come, is my Pierre.” I knew she was telling the truth when Pierre climbed up onto my shoulder, reached down, and pulled an old bus ticket from the breast pocket of my coat. I laughed as he hopped off with his loot, then disappeared inside Marina’s camper.

  She stubbed out her smoke just as the door to a smaller camper opened and Lola walked out. She rubbed sleep from her eyes, still wearing her pyjamas. “Lille! You came! OMG, I’m so happy right now,” she said, and pulled me into a tight hug.

  I think Marina must have seen the bewildered look on my face when she said, “Our Lola gets attached fast when she likes someone. It’s just her way.”

  “Yeah, and my way is fucking awesome! Let’s get these bags of yours inside, and I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.”

  I followed her as she led me into her camper van. It was really small and had a kitchenette, and a tiny living area with an equally tiny TV. One door led to a bathroom. The other was closed and led to Violet’s room, Lola explained, and then the final one led to Lola’s room, which I discovered I’d be sharing with her. There was about a foot of space between the two narrow beds. It was tidy in a messy sort of way. The beds were made, but Lola had stuffed all of her clothes under them. There wouldn’t be much room for my things, but I didn’t mind. I’d just live out of my suitcase.

  “So, Violet agreed that you could stay. This van belongs to her, unfortunately, so she makes the rules. You’ll have to pay her sixty euros a week in rent, but you’ll make that easily on show nights. All of her food goes in the cupboard to the left and all of ours goes in the cupboard to the right. We get one shelf in the fridge, and she gets two. If you give Marina forty euros a week you can eat in the gazebo with the rest of us for most of your meals. Oh, and don’t use any of the toiletries in the bathroom because they all belong to Violet, and she’ll go cray-cray if you take anything. I keep all my stuff in a bag and bring it with me when I shower. Keeps things simpler. So yeah, she’s a fucking dictator, but you’ll learn to live with it. Hey, perhaps me and you could save and get a camper of our own. That’d be cool!”

  I laughed. This girl was mental, but I liked it. “Sure, I’ll just buy a lottery ticket, shall I?” I joked.

  “Ha -ha,” she deadpanned, and pulled out a smart phone, fingers gliding across the screen so fast they were almost a blur. “Okay, I’m going to include you in our ferry ticket. Have you got cash?”

  I nodded and rummaged in my bag, pulling out some folded notes. Lola took them and finished up the booking. “Great, we’re all sorted. You want to sit up front with me while I drive?”

  I told her I would, and followed her to the front of the van. I looked out the window and saw Jack helping to load equipment into one of the trucks. It looked heavy, whatever it was, and the way he worked made me feel all fizzy inside. When he was done, he rubbed his hands on his jeans, looking about the field. My heart thudded when he spotted me sitting in the passenger seat while Lola looked over a map. He seemed pissed off when he saw me. Obviously, I hadn’t taken his advice not to come. I saw him stomp over to the camper that must have been his and slam the door shut.

  Before I knew it, we were off. Lola informed me that we’d be sailing from Rosslare to a place called Cherbourg in France, and that the ferry journey would take almost an entire day. Violet, the contortionist, came out of her room, said a grumpy hello to me, shook my hand, and then went to make herself some coffee.

  “A woman of few words,” Lola whispered to me as she drove.

  “And excellent hearing,” Violet called to her. “Seriously, I think you forget how depressingly small this place is sometimes.”

  When we got to the ferry, we parked the camper below deck and got out. Some people had rented cabins to sleep in, but, like me, most had simply booked seats. I was starving, so I went to buy some breakfast before finding the lounge. It was a cosy room with big cushioned seats. Most people were either sleeping or talking quietly. There were even pillows and blankets if you wanted to take a nap.

  I saw Lola waving to me from where she sat beside Violet, who was listening to music on her headphones. I took my seat with them and tucked into my food. I was sleepy when I finished eating, since I hadn’t slept the night before, and I was losing the battle to keep my eyes open….

  I didn’t know how long I’d been out when I woke up because someone was pushing my head off their shoulder. I rubbed my eyes and blinked, seeing Jack staring down at me. Seemingly, he’d booked the seat right next to mine, and I’d clearly just been trying to cuddle up to him.

  How embarrassing.

  Three

  A king fell down who wore no crown

  “Sorry,” I mumbled, and drew away as far as I possibly could, being that our seats were side by side. I noticed that somebody had covered me with a blanket, but it must’ve been Lola. My skin prickled as I wondered how long I’d been resting my head on Jack’s shoulder. Had it been seconds or hours? I was willing to bet seconds, considering he was roughly shoving me off him.

  “I told you not to come. Why didn’t you listen to me?” he asked, tilting his head to the side, a subtle edge to his words.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Dad. I forgot you had a say in what I do with my life. Please accept my humblest apologies,” I said, heavy on the sarcasm. On the inside, my feelings were hurt. I didn’t need him to be worshipping at my feet, but the least he could do was be civilised.

  His lips twitched as he arched an eyebrow at me. “So, the little princess wants to slum it for a while. Okay, then. Just don’t come crying to me when it all goes to shit.”

  “Why would I come crying to you? I don’t even know you,” I said, and got up from my seat. Both Violet and Lola were gone. I felt kind of grimy and needed a change of clothes, so I grabbed the small bag I had with me and went to find the showers. I felt a million times better by the time I was done, and when I went back to my seat, I found Jack had left. And really, I was relieved. The man made me feel all weird and jittery in a way I thought I could become obsessed with.

  Becoming obsessed with Jack McCabe wouldn’t be healthy for me. It’d be like having a crush on a movie star. They were strutting the red carpet, and you were huddled in the gutter. Deciding to stretch my legs, I went for a walk about the ferry, saying hello to Winnie and Antonio and their two daughters, Carrie and Orla. Apparently, they home schooled them while the circus travelled. I thought that must be such an unusual way to grow up, in equal measures difficult and wonderful.

  When I reached the doorway that led out onto the deck, I pushed through and was met with a violent gust of wind, my shoulder-length hair going flying all over the place. It was still wet from the shower, so I considered it an unusual sort of blow-dry.

  I stared out at the waves and the endless sea that surrounded me, feeling a momentary flutter of pure freedom, and man, did it feel good.

  Somebody swore profusely from behind me, and I turned to find Jack trying to light a cigarette. The wind wasn’t doing him any favours, and he couldn’t get the flame to stay lit. Not wanting him to see me, I began walking swiftly in the opposite direction. I didn’t get far when he was suddenly behind me. He looped his finger through my belt and practically dragged me to the corner he’d been standing in.

  “What the fu….” />
  “Stay still,” he ordered. “I need you to block the wind.”

  I didn’t have any snappy comebacks, so I simply stood there, amazed by his gruffness. Hadn’t anyone ever taught him simple manners? When I looked at him, I thought that maybe they hadn’t. I could easily imagine him as a little Mowgli type, being raised by animals in the jungle.

  He flicked the lighter and finally got the smoke lit. Inhaling deeply, then exhaling, he watched me all the while. I shivered, and not from the cold. I felt like there was an atmosphere between us, but it was more than likely all on my end. I was good at imagining things, especially sexual tension. And I was well-acquainted with the one-sided kind.

  “Are my services required further, sir?” I asked with a hint of sass. I mean, I’d been his wind-blocker, and he hadn’t even said thanks.

  Just like last night, he almost smiled, and I hated that it was wondrous. I could have painted an entire mural of his jaw line alone. He flicked off the ash and leaned back against the wall behind him.

  “So, you’re staying with Lola?”

  “Yes, and Violet.”

  “That’ll be fun.”

  “Are you being sarcastic?”

  “Are you?”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “You’re weird.”

  He took a step forward and stared down at me, teeth flashing as he spoke. “And I bet I could make you like it.”

  If anyone else had said this to me, I would have thought they were flirting, but not with this guy. No, with this guy it sounded more like a taunt. I narrowed my gaze at him, deciding I was done with this encounter and my unrequited attraction, and returned to the lounge. I checked my phone for the time, relieved that I couldn’t get a signal out here. I’d bet Mum was wearing a hole on her dialling pad trying to get in touch with me. I had my fingers crossed that by the time I got to France, she’d have calmed down. If my estimations were correct, we had another eight hours of sailing to do. I pulled a sketch pad out of my bag and began to draw the family sitting in front of me. A little kid played with an iPad while the mother snoozed and the father perused a newspaper. I was so lost in the drawing that I didn’t hear Lola when she came to sit beside me.