The Hearts Series

by L.H. Cosway

  Violet offered to drive the four hours it took to get to Lyon, which was out of character, but I guessed she was still wearing her kid gloves with Lola. When we arrived at our destination, it was outside the city, in a gorgeous countryside setting quite like when we’d been in Caen, just more majestic somehow. It wasn’t far from the city, though, and was easy enough for people to reach if they wanted to come see the show.

  Lola had spent most of the journey in our room, so I went to see how she was doing. When I stepped inside, I knew instantly that she’d been crying, because her eyes were red and her lips were all puffy. She seemed embarrassed when we locked eyes, so I didn’t mention her appearance. Instead, I decided to try to cheer her up. I’d been working on a painting of her the last couple of days, and now was as good a time as any to give it to her.

  “I have a present for you,” I said. “Stay there.”

  I went to retrieve the painting I’d done on a small ten-by-ten-inch canvas. The picture was very Andy Warhol inspired, and showed a colourful caricature of Lola’s face on a background of popcorn and candyfloss. I set it on the bed in front of her and stood back to take in her reaction.

  “Well, what do you think?” I asked, biting a little at my fingernails.

  She picked up the canvas and stared at it for a long time. Her voice was all breathy when she finally spoke. “Honestly, Lille, where did I find you?”

  “In a boring old town in the back arse of nowhere,” I replied humorously, and she smiled.

  “You’re too much. I think my guardian angel sent you. He must have known I needed a friend.”

  “Your guardian angel’s a man?”

  She gave me a little wry look, and for the first time in days, I saw a hint of the old Lola coming back to life. “Of course. I like to imagine he’s hopelessly in love with me, but we can never be together because it’s against the rules.”

  I laughed. “Sounds like a book I wouldn’t mind reading.”

  She smiled at me, a full-on happy smile, and I felt something in my chest untighten. “It does, doesn’t it?” A short silence elapsed before she said, “Seriously, though, I love this painting. I’ll treasure it always.”

  What she said had me walking towards the bed and taking her into a long, tight hug. I knew the memories of what had happened would always haunt her, but if I could make her feel a little bit better, then I’d done my job.

  There was an air of excitement about the circus as the workers set up camp in Lyon. When I went to the gazebo, I found Winnie and her two daughters putting up decorations, and I asked if it was somebody’s birthday.

  “No, dear,” said Winnie. “It’s the anniversary of Konrad’s death, the founder of the circus. We have a celebration every year to mark the day. Marina insists on it. Did you know they used to be lovers?”

  Her daughters giggled as they untangled some frilly ribbons at her mentioning Marina having a lover.

  “Really?”

  She nodded. “They were together for a very long time. Never married, though. Konrad was forever asking her, but Marina always said no, said that it wasn’t because she didn’t love him, but more that she didn’t believe in the institution of marriage.”

  “Oh. That’s kind of romantic, actually.”

  “You think so?” Winnie questioned curiously.

  “Well, yeah, staying together for love is better than staying together because of a piece of paper. The paper is the prison. Making the choice to stay with someone without the prison feels more like true love to me.”

  Winnie grinned and gave me a perceptive look. “Your parents divorced, didn’t they?”

  I only shrugged before I heard recognisable laughter from behind and turned to see Marina approaching. Her red hair was up in an intricate French twist, and she wore a long black dress that would have looked like Victorian mourning garb if it weren’t for the bustier and cleavage. On any other woman her age, I would have said the cleavage was excessive, but somehow it suited her.

  “I knew there was a reason why I liked you,” she said as she came to stand beside me. I felt a little embarrassed to be caught talking about her, but I knew she didn’t mind after she squeezed my hand and gave me a wink. I caught a quick flash of Jack walking by, his eyes meeting mine for a fraction of a second before he was gone again. This was how things had been the past few days. Catching glimpses of him, but no real contact. He was keeping his distance, and I constantly felt like my lungs were burning.

  I wanted to reach out to him, but feared being pushed away again. I’d been agonising over what he’d said, trying to figure out what it all meant, but I knew deep down he’d been purposefully vague. He didn’t want me to know the truth, whatever it was.

  So tonight was all about celebrating. I decided I was going to force myself to have a good time, even though my heart had other ideas. The stupid thing wanted me lying in bed, agonising over Jack and his sudden distance. And no way was I letting that happen.

  When I arrived back at the camper, I found Lola and Violet in the living area, doing each other’s hair and makeup. This whole attack thing had really brought them closer together. It was heart-warming to see their friendship evolving, and, let’s face it, my heart definitely needed a bit of warmth these days.

  For the party, Lola talked me into wearing a tight little black dress she owned but never wore because it was too big for her. Surprise, surprise, it fit me perfectly, and I hardly recognised myself as I examined my appearance in our tiny bathroom mirror. Violet had done my makeup all smoky and dark, which made my blue-grey eyes look brighter somehow, and Lola curled my straight blonde hair into flowing waves.

  “I have to say, we all look hot as fuck tonight,” Lola declared as we stood in the kitchen, passing around a small bottle of vodka and taking turns knocking it back. Violet and I both looked at each other and laughed. Our Lola was back, and it felt really good to see her being her old self again.

  I knew choosing to wear heels was a bad decision when I stepped outside onto the grass and felt the vodka take hold. Thankfully, Lola linked her arm through mine for balance before I could stumble to my knees. When we arrived at the gazebo, I recognised some of the circus workers had formed a band; one guy played the accordion, one played an acoustic guitar, and the third beat his hands on a wooden barrel he was using as a drum. The music they played was loud and rhythmic, and it made me feel excited.

  “Fucking show-offs,” I heard Violet mutter grumpily, and my eyes wandered in the direction she was looking. Just to the right of the gazebo was a tall tree, lit up in the dark by dozens of tea light candles nestled at its base. Its branches spread out like veins fifteen feet high in the air. From the branches hung three women in various poses, and I instantly recognised it was Julie and her sisters. They hung from the silk they usually used in their act, but unlike inside the Spiegeltent, none of them were moving.

  It was certainly a striking scene, and though I wasn’t exactly fond of Julie, I thought that what she and her sisters had created was beautiful. Mary’s limbs were spread out like a starfish, while Molly wrapped her body around the silk, clinging to it like a koala. Julie’s pose was the pièce de resistance, as she hung elegantly in the middle, the silk holding her at the waist.

  “Don’t be so cynical, Vi,” said Lola, nudging her with her elbow. “It’s performance art. I think it looks pretty.”

  “It’s a pity none of them are pretty on the inside.”

  “Okay, so Julie might be a bitch, but Mary and Molly are okay,” Lola conceded as she followed Violet over to a table of drinks and party food. I stood in place, still taking in the scene. They’d chosen the strongest three branches to hang from, and they were so still I began to wonder if they were even breathing. It was mesmerising, and I hated to admit it, but I’d give anything to have a couple of hours right now to paint them.

  I felt rather than saw the movement to my left, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jack standing there. His eyes weren’t on the sisters, they were on me, a
nd I felt positively violated as they wandered from my face to my chest and then all down my body and back up again. He was definitely noticing my more glamorous than usual appearance, and I so desperately wanted to know what he thought of it.

  Did he like this me better than the everyday me?

  Did glamour and makeup mean anything to him?

  I got the distinct feeling that it didn’t. I mean, sometimes he wore eyeliner as part of his act, but that was all just for dramatics, to make him look as dark and mysterious as the art he performed. I wouldn’t be surprised if Marina had suggested it to him. I just couldn’t see Jack thinking to wear eyeliner on his own.

  I felt suspended in time and space as I slowly turned to him and gave him a look of acknowledgement. It said, I know you’re there, and I know you’re not going to talk to me. I pulled myself away and went to find Violet and Lola. They were sitting with the Brazilian stuntmen, which was just fantastic, since I’d promised myself I’d keep my distance from Pedro. The place was crowded and there wasn’t anywhere else to sit, so I sighed and gave in, taking a spot across from him. He openly leered at me, his seedy gaze contradicting the fun-loving, carefree image he tried to present to everyone else.

  He said something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch, but I got the distinct sense it wasn’t friendly. My hackles rose instantly, and I was about to give up on this party before it had even started when somebody slid onto the bench next to me, making it a very tight squeeze. His smell was so familiar, and the tension inside me loosened just to have Jack close.

  How could he ever think he was a danger to me when he made me feel this safe?

  I was frozen in place, felt too exposed to acknowledge him, but the outside of his thigh pressed up against mine and our shoulders were touching. Such sweet relief it was even to have this small, impersonal amount of contact.

  “Her saviour arrives.” Pedro spat disdainfully before picking up his beer and taking a long swig.

  Lola passed me a plastic cup with red wine and I took it gratefully, glad to have some small distraction from Jack’s closeness. I wanted to say something to him, even make polite small talk, but I couldn’t seem to find my voice.

  My attention was distracted when people began cheering and clapping as Marina took to the makeshift stage where the band was playing. There was no microphone, but somehow her voice carried well around the space.

  “As many of you who knew him will agree, Konrad was one of the best people the world ever thought to spit out. He was a marvellously twisted human being, and so perfect in his madness. That madness took him in the end, and, like many who came before him, he put out his own flame. But in his life he created all of this,” she said, spreading her arms out, “and so, on this day I will always think of him, and I will always thank him for leaving behind such beauty in my memories.” She stopped and brought a shot glass to her mouth, knocking it back in one go. “Here’s to the love of my life. May he wander between the worlds until we meet again.”

  Her words were so heartfelt, so full of emotion, that even though I never knew the man, I felt my eyes grow wet. It was clear from what she said that Konrad had taken his own life. My emotional state was only worsened when the guitar player began to pick at the strings and Marina started to sing “Starry, Starry Night” in a surprisingly appealing voice.

  I knew in that moment that I was going to paint this scene. It struck me so powerfully that I’d never forget it: Marina standing there, a vision in black, her hair so red and her eyes so sad. I was lost in the song when I realised someone was staring at me, and I turned my head to find Jack’s eyes blazing fiercely.

  “You’re crying,” he murmured, and reached over to wipe away my tears with his fingertips.

  “It’s sad,” I said, feeling strangely exposed and self-conscious. “How much she clearly misses him, I mean.”

  “Have you ever missed someone that much?” he asked, voice intense.

  “No,” I answered honestly, wanting to tack onto the end that if I’d spent as many years with him as Marina had with Konrad, then I’d probably die of the pain from missing him.

  “You’re lucky, then,” he said.

  I knew the meaning behind his words. I was lucky, but he was not, because he’d probably missed his brother like Marina missed Konrad. God, how I hoped Jay would read my letter and come find him. The laughter and talk that surrounded us was loud, but I still felt like I was in a bubble with Jack, his attention all-consuming.

  “You shouldn’t be sitting here, looking like that,” he said, and I furrowed my brow.

  “Why not?”

  He leaned in close and my heart stuttered, his lips touching the shell of my ear as he whispered, “Because the wolves are circling, and I could be considered one of them.”

  Twelve

  With courage Jack threw his mask away forever

  I shivered, but before I could react to his words, the music changed, the band belting out a fast-paced number. Lola grabbed my hand to pull me up from my seat. I was still reeling after what Jack had said to refuse dancing with her, and before I knew it, I was crowded amid a sea of other bodies in the middle of the floor.

  Lola clapped and stomped her foot in time to the beat and I copied her, trying to get into it as my eyes sought out Jack. I couldn’t spot him over all the moving heads, and the loud music was distracting. A moment later, we were joined by a smiling Luan, who put his hands on Lola’s waist and matched the tempo of her movements with his own. Violet was to my right, and I couldn’t help laughing when Pedro tried to dance with her. She completely blanked him and instead focused her attention on a tall blond guy I recognised from around the campsite. My laughter cut off abruptly when I saw his attention land on me, and he began moving through the gyrating bodies.

  Before he reached me, I felt warm, familiar arms go around my waist, and my heart fluttered. The moment Pedro spotted Jack, he scowled and turned away. My head swam with relief. I soaked in being close to him for a moment before he bent down and spoke into my ear.

  “I won’t always be here to be your good wolf, Lille. What will you do about the bad ones then?”

  I turned my body and stared up at him. His mouth was so close, and I missed it. I was looking at his lips while I replied, “If you’re my good wolf, then why do you think you’re bad for me?”

  A wall went up behind his eyes. “Because I am.”

  I leaned closer, moulding my body to his. I knew he felt how perfectly we connected by his sudden intake of breath, my breasts pushing into his chest. “That’s not a good enough answer,” I told him, then bravely went up on my tiptoes to brush my lips over his. It was a handy thing I was wearing heels now, because it meant I wasn’t at too much of a disadvantage in height.

  “Don’t,” he said pleadingly, but I wasn’t feeling very charitable. I missed him, and something told me he missed me, too. It was ridiculous to keep fighting it, so I kissed him. I ran my tongue along the seam of his lips, then dipped inside, my body straining against his, because whenever I got to taste him, it always felt too good. I was breathless when I broke away for air.

  “If you don’t want this, then I want a better reason, Jack.” I wasn’t sure what it was, perhaps the mix of vodka and red wine, or maybe the dark of the night and the feeling of recklessness this party of death brought on, but I was feeling braver than I’d ever felt before.

  He gripped the back of my neck, then brought his mouth down on mine with a hard, fierce hunger that caused my bravery to waver. In that moment, I knew that when we’d been together before, he’d been holding back a great deal of himself. In fact, he still was, and I shuddered not unpleasantly to think of what it would be like to have him unleash his entire self on me.

  I moaned as his fingers dug into my neck, his tongue worshipping my mouth and his erection thickening against my thigh.

  “Jack,” I gasped, and though I could feel several stares on us, I didn’t have the ability to focus on anyone else but him.

&nb
sp; He took my hand in his then and dragged me away from the dancing. The music became less loud the farther away we got, and soon we were past the campers and trucks and heading towards an empty field.

  “Where are you taking me?” I asked, voice thick with arousal and curiosity.

  “Somewhere I can give you a good enough answer. I won’t pull you in completely until you know everything. Then you can make your own decision,” he bit out, and my arousal vanished in a heartbeat. My curiosity remained, but it was now tinged with apprehension. I stumbled on my heels, and Jack stopped walking to bend down and relieve me of my shoes. He held them both in one hand while scooping me up with the other. I startled and gripped his neck, holding on tight as we walked through the long grass until he reached a cluster of bushy trees. I slid down his solid, hard body, and my feet touched the earth.

  “Why are we here?” I asked as I glanced all about, voice hushed. There was hardly any light here, just a greyish-yellow cloud from the city in the distance.

  He rubbed his jaw and paced, then looked back at me. “I needed to go somewhere away from listening ears to tell you this, but I’m starting to wonder if I should confide in you at all.”

  “You said before that you trusted me. You trusted me enough to tell me about your brother,” I whispered. And you betrayed that trust, Lille. He just doesn’t know it yet, my conscience whispered back.

  “Yeah, and look where that got me,” he replied, and I flinched. He didn’t know the half of it. Still, I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything about this enigma of a man.

  I took three steps forward until I was in front of him, close enough to take his big hand in mine and place it over my heart. “You can still trust me, Jack. Whatever you tell me will stay between the two of us. I just need to know why you think we can’t be together. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt anything like this before. I’ve never had a man make me feel the way you make me feel.”