The Heart of Winter

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘We were lucky to have you all these years, Sadie.’

  ‘Your grandma Maggie was more than just any old friend,’ she said sighing. ‘She was the only one who really knew me.’

  ‘How do you mean?’ Lainey asked, sliding the photo of Ely back into the envelope.

  ‘Maggie and I could’ve talked for Ireland. We were like two old crows cackling away to one another. Most of the time it was mindless. Easy talk as I’d say. But every now and again the subjects became darker. Like when her Stanley died suddenly. It rocked her to the core. I honestly thought she wouldn’t come back from it.’

  ‘But she had Mum,’ Lainey stated.

  ‘Yes, love, she did. And believe me I was the first one to remind her of that fact.’ In spite of years of practice, Sadie’s resolve suddenly dissolved. She allowed the tears to fall. She didn’t even raise a hand to mop them away. Lainey glanced over and clearly assumed she’d be fine in a moment. Sadie knew a dam had just burst. Emotion she’d held in a tightly locked box in the very recesses of her heart had been let free.

  ‘Sadie?’ Lainey looked terrified. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Lainey,’ she took her hand. ‘I know you’re angry at Holly. She’s always been a bit angry at you, too. I could see it.’

  ‘You could?’ Lainey said feebly.

  Sadie nodded. Her tears still hadn’t abated. ‘You’ve so much going on right now though, love. You need to let those old wounds heal. Concentrate on the here and now.’

  ‘How can I when I’ve no idea what’s happening to me?’ she said crossly. ‘I’m asking over and over again for answers and the doctors keep saying they’re waiting for pathology results. Until then I’m meant to lie here and go slowly insane . . .’

  ‘You won’t go insane, love. We’re all here with you.’

  ‘Thanks, Sadie, but with all due respect, my biggest fear is something I can never explain to you.’

  ‘Try me.’

  ‘It’s to do with Ely . . .’

  ‘Go on . . .’

  Lainey took a deep breath. ‘What if I die, Sadie? What if I leave him with no Mum? He’s only a tiny baby. He won’t remember anything about me. All I’ll be is a couple of framed photographs that other people cry over at Christmas and birthdays. He’ll have no recollection of me.’

  Sadie paused for a moment. Her heart was thumping so loudly, she felt it could beat right through her chest.

  ‘The way I’m feeling is something that happened the minute I became a mother. From that first nano-second I held Ely in my arms it began. It’s a feeling I can’t begin to explain . . .’

  ‘You’re right, dear. That feeling cannot be explained . . .’ Sadie knew it was time to finally tell the truth. ‘I agree that it can’t be put into words. Nothing would or ever could come close to making a person understand what it feels like to be a Mum . . .’

  ‘I’m sorry, Sadie,’ Lainey said suddenly. ‘I’m being very selfish and stupid. How would you possibly know what I’m talking about? I’m talking gobbledy-gook.’

  ‘No love, you’re not . . .’ Sadie closed her eyes momentarily. ‘Sixty-eight years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.’

  ‘Wha . . .’ Lainey’s voice trailed off in shock. ‘I had no idea . . .’

  ‘I was sixteen years old. The only person outside of my ailing father who knew about the baby was your Grandma Maggie.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Lainey managed as her voice cracked. ‘Sadie . . .’ She held her hand out and clasped Sadie’s. ‘Please tell me all about it.’

  ‘She was like a tiny doll. The nuns allowed me to hold her for what felt like a matter of seconds. I was in labour for three days. They didn’t think I’d survive . . .’ She fished for a tissue in her bag and blew her nose. ‘But I managed eventually. Nothing could’ve been as bad as the abuse and torture I’d endured at the mother and baby home before she was born . . . From the day my father knew I was pregnant, I was sent there.’

  ‘Where was it?’

  ‘It was outside Galway. In a huge grey God-forsaken building with cold floors and endless corridors leading to countless rooms where terrified young girls like me were forced to wash, iron and fold clothes. When our time came we were ushered to cubicles where we were left to give birth with little or no assistance.’

  ‘Oh Sadie, I had no idea.’

  ‘The worst part was that the man who made me pregnant was a man of the cloth. He brutalised and raped me and yet I was the one to be punished. That punishment has stayed with me for every day of my life.’

  ‘Didn’t you tell your father what had happened?’

  ‘Oh no. Priests were royalty at that stage. Ireland was a bowing servant and the church was her bidding master. Nobody would’ve believed me and the beatings would’ve been far more fierce had I blasphemed against a priest.’

  Sadie knew she needed to keep talking, bile rose in her throat as she forced her mind away from the horrific images that only came to light when she was too tired to stop them.

  ‘My little girl arrived and she managed to erase all the damage, hurt and pain,’ Sadie said smiling. ‘But without a shadow of doubt, the most horrific, cruel and debilitating moment was when Sr Laurence plucked her from my bosom and marched her away. They brought papers and I refused to sign them, so one of the nuns did it for me. Two days later I was turned out onto the street. When I arrived home, I met Maggie.’

  ‘And she took you to Huntersbrook?’ Sadie nodded.

  ‘I lived there with her and Stanley until my father died. His cottage became mine.’

  ‘Do you know where your little girl went? Did you get to give her a name?’

  ‘I called her Elizabeth. I thought it sounded regal and it would make her strong and able. But I don’t know where she was taken or what her adoptive parents named her.’

  ‘How have you lived with this?’ Lainey asked.

  ‘What choice had I? I was up against an authority that was backed by the medics, government and many ordinary people aside of the clergy. I was powerless. I knew a long time ago that I had a choice. I could allow it to cripple me and rob me of any future happiness or I could bury it all and never revisit it again.’

  ‘Until now,’ Lainey said.

  ‘It was your expression when I walked in here,’ she said. ‘You looked similar to me and the other girls back then. You talked about that feeling when you hold your own baby. I agree with you. It’s universal. So too is it that haunted look, when your baby is stolen. It’s like having your soul removed by a great invisible vacuum.’

  Lainey leaned forward in the bed, oblivious to her wounds or any physical pain and held her arms out. Sadie rose from the chair and moved to the bed. As they hugged and rocked, the grief that they shared united them in a way that nobody would ever understand.

  Eventually, Sadie managed to calm herself. She wiped her face and took a clean tissue and did the same for Lainey. She patted the younger woman’s hair and sighed.

  ‘This is what women do, Lainey. We mop up the tears, pull our shoulders back, raise our chins and move forward. I did it and I know you can too. Can I beg you to do one thing for me?’

  ‘Anything,’ Lainey said sadly.

  ‘Try again with Holly. She loves you. You love her. You need to learn to like one another. Do it while you have the chance. Don’t waste the opportunity to own that mother and daughter relationship. There’s nothing else in the world like it. Even though I only experienced it for a matter of minutes, I know it’s powerful.’

  Lainey nodded.

  ‘Meanwhile you mind yourself. What will be, will be. No matter what those test results say, you have so many people who want to help. For many years I thought there was no such thing as a loving God. I’ve come to the conclusion I was wrong about that. There are too many wonderful things on this earth to argue that point. I know it’s tough, Lainey. But try not to allow the fear to win.’

  ‘I’ll try,’ she said.

  ‘Your mum took that photo so she could che
er you up,’ Sadie said. ‘She doesn’t know what to do. She’s dying to come in and see you, but she won’t come where she’s not wanted. I know you asked Matt to keep her away and believe me I understand why, but time is precious, my dear. Don’t waste it.’

  Lainey looked totally lost. For that, Sadie was sorry.

  ‘It’s ironic, Lainey. You and your mother live right next door to one another and you barely communicate. I’d move heaven and earth to see Elizabeth again. Even for a moment. I know you’re grieving for the baby you thought you were having and all the little ones you’d planned for the future. But don’t forget to stop and look around at what you still have, love.’

  Sadie stood up from the bed. She bent to kiss Lainey on the forehead.

  ‘I’ll see you soon, OK?’

  ‘You bet,’ Lainey said. ‘Thank you for sharing your story with me. I bet Elizabeth is just like you. Strong, wise and incredible.’

  ‘Thanks, love.’

  As she walked out of the hospital, in spite of the pungent smell that reminded her of the mother and baby home, Sadie felt lighter inside. In a way she wished she’d told people before now. But she also knew that there was a right time and place for everything. Today was the right time to talk and Lainey was certainly the best person she could’ve told.

  ‘I know you’re sitting back in your armchair sipping a cup of tea and smiling down on me, Maggie. I can just picture you,’ she said as she got into her car.

  Back up in the ward, Lainey was reeling. She’d known Sadie all her life. She’d never suspected the hurt or sorrow that had lain dormant in her heart. It baffled Lainey how she’d stayed for so long in Huntersbrook, caring for and helping with her and Joey and Pippa. The only conclusion she could come it was that it had somehow made life more bearable to be part of the family.

  Lainey thought about Holly. After hearing Sadie’s revelations their petty arguments seemed to pale to insignificance. Lainey vowed she would try and make amends. It was time to grow up. Besides, she may not have very much time left.

  Sadie prided herself on being quite savvy when it came to technology. Joey had bought her an iPhone for her birthday and she pulled it from her bag now, before starting the car. Selecting the group text option, she sent a message to Pippa and Joey.

  Lainey needs you all at the moment. Life is precious. Every now and again we are thrown a curve ball. Please try to be there to help Lainey catch this one.

  Sadie.

  Pippa

  PIPPA WOKE EARLY WITH DANNY’S ARM AROUND her. As she peeled her eyes open, Lainey was her first thought.

  ‘Hey,’ Danny said stroking her arm. ‘You OK?’

  ‘Not really, Danny,’ she said. ‘I have to get to my sister. I let her down so badly yesterday and I can’t forgive myself.’

  ‘You didn’t know she was going to call. Besides you were working.’

  ‘Danny,’ she sat up and stared down at him. ‘This is where we differ. You think it’s fine to deal drugs in order to fast track yourself into a bigger and better apartment. You feel there’s a way of reasoning as to why I couldn’t go to my sister when she desperately needed me. I don’t accept any of that as being OK. It’s not OK. It’s not the way I was raised.’

  She got out of bed and marched to the shower. She washed her hair vigorously and soaped her body. Pippa was certain of one thing. She was well and truly finished with behaving like an idiot. Missy was a nightmare and she wanted nothing more to do with her. Hopefully her party would be a roaring success for Huntersbrook, but once it was over, that was it. Pippa knew it was time to grow up and start taking responsibility for her own actions. The time for blaming other people for the messes she ended up in was over. She felt a clarity in her head she hadn’t had for weeks. And with it came shame. She was ashamed that she’d allowed herself to fall headlong into coke, which in turn made it feel OK to be manipulated by a class A bitch like Missy Hassett. Enough was enough.

  Danny went for a shower as she dressed. Thankfully, there wasn’t much time for chatting as he needed to get to the office.

  ‘Will you call me as soon as you’ve seen Lainey?’ he asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said absentmindedly.

  ‘Pippa?’

  ‘I’ll talk to you later at some point, OK, Danny?’

  Pippa was glad that the traffic was predominantly going in the opposite direction as she made her way to the hospital. Brianna had told her to take the day off and be with her family. A fresh wave of shame washed over her as she thought of how shabbily she’d treated Brianna in Paris, and generally. She was a hardworking and extremely nice woman who didn’t deserve to be the butt of her and Missy’s stupid jokes.

  Knowing she shouldn’t pitch up at the hospital empty handed Pippa stopped off at a small shopping centre en route to the hospital. Knowing it wouldn’t change anything but it might ease her guilt slightly, Pippa set about choosing a nightgown with matching dressing gown and slippers.

  ‘Can you gift wrap it for me please?’

  As the lady was busying herself with tissue paper and ribbon Pippa’s mobile beeped. Sadie’s message popped onto her screen and she had to bite her finger to stop from screaming out loud.

  ‘Forget the ribbon and stuff. I have to go,’ Pippa said shoving money at the alarmed assistant. ‘Sorry, it’s an emergency.’

  As she parked and rushed into the hospital, Pippa braced herself for the worst. Lainey had been so low on the phone yesterday and the last thing she needed was Pippa gawping at her with glassy eyes and a wobbly lip. Entering the ward she spotted what was left of poor Lainey. She looked pale and frightened as she curled uncomfortably under the thin papery hospital blanket. All plans to be calm and collected went out the window as Pippa rushed to her sister.

  She was surprised to see Jules sitting there.

  ‘I’ll give you two some space,’ she said, glowering at Pippa with her back to Lainey.

  ‘Aw Lainey,’ Pippa said stooping to hug her. ‘I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.’

  Both women sobbed as Pippa eventually pulled over a chair.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m not used to you acting as if the world is ending,’ Pippa said. ‘But you look terrible.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Lainey smiled momentarily. ‘In a way the world is ending,’ Lainey said listlessly. ‘They’ve taken my womb and my ovaries, Pippa.’

  ‘Oh Lainey,’ Pippa said taking her hand. ‘I’m so sorry. You must be reeling.’

  ‘We had it all planned, Pip. Matt and I were going to have a brood of children. It was going to be idyllic. Now Ely will be on his own with no brothers or sisters to play with.’

  ‘He’ll be fine,’ Pippa said firmly.

  ‘Well he hasn’t much choice, has he?’ Lainey spat.

  Pippa recoiled in shock. She’d never heard her sister sounding so defeated. ‘And it doesn’t end there. What if this mass they removed is cancer, Pippa? Then Ely will have no mummy either.’ Lainey thumped the bed. ‘I’ve wrecked everything. I’d never have married Matt or brought Ely into the world if I’d known I was going to leave them high and dry.’

  ‘Lainey, don’t . . .’ Pippa began.

  ‘It’s true, Pippa,’ she said jutting out her bottom jaw. ‘I’ve ruined their lives. If I die poor Matt is going to be abandoned and left to raise Ely alone. Jacob and Mum and Dad will help for a couple of years. But they’re not getting any younger. So ultimately it’ll all be left to Matt.’

  ‘Honey, we don’t know that you have cancer for sure. Besides even if you do lots of people survive it now.’

  ‘Lots die too.’

  Pippa didn’t want to get into an argument with Lainey. But she guessed this wasn’t the moment to try and reason with her either. ‘I know it’s really hard. But you’ve got to try and think positively. I hope you’ll get better and all this can seem like a bad dream . . .’

  ‘A bad dream?’ Lainey scoffed. ‘This is a total nightmare, Pippa. And even if I don’t have cancer . . . Even if I’m not dyi
ng, I’ve saddled Matt with a wife who can’t bear him any more children. He’s going to hate me, Pip. Everything is going to crumble and fall apart one way or the other . . .’

  ‘OK!’ Pippa said raising her voice. ‘That’s enough. You are not going to die, you hear me? And . . . and if you do, God damn you . . . I’ll mind Ely. I know my track record hasn’t been great and I barely managed to mind myself. But I’ll step up to the plate. He’ll have me, OK?’

  ‘Pippa, you can’t bear being in the countryside. I know you think the whole married with kids and living in the back end of nowhere thing is your idea of hell.’

  ‘I don’t hate it that much,’ she grinned. ‘And the point is that if Ely needs me, I’ll be there. Nothing else matters more than family. Even if I don’t know anything else . . . I know that.’

  ‘Thanks, honey,’ Lainey said and smiled weakly.

  ‘Now enough of the death talk and the depressing stuff. Guess who I met yesterday? There was a reason I didn’t get here.’

  ‘Go on,’ Lainey said smiling. Pippa filled her in on Jodi’s visit to the store and how she’d given her the piece of paper with her number on it.

  ‘Wow!’ Lainey said.

  Although she still looked hollow around her eyes Pippa knew the story was taking her mind off her situation for a few minutes.

  Just as they’d finished chatting about what Jodi had bought Joey arrived looking completely flustered.

  ‘I came as quickly as I could . . . I had to run out on a lunch. Clive was staring at me like I was crazy . . . But who cares? I’m here now.’

  ‘What in the name of God is wrong with you, Joey?’ Lainey asked half smiling, half nervous.

  ‘I . . . I guess I had a moment of clarity just then. I was sitting talking shit with two fat balding men when I realised my sister is sitting in a hospital bed while her insides are being poked in a Kilner jar.’

  ‘Nice,’ Pippa said rolling her eyes. ‘Could you have put it in a more graphic and gross way?’

  Lainey laughed for the first time since she’d collapsed.