by Chloe Liese
“Fuck’s sake, Zed.” I ached and I loved it.
“Promise me.”
“I promise!” I pressed my face to his chest and let the tears disappear into the soft fabric. Smelled the rainstorm scent of his body. Four days to lose myself in this, until he was no longer mine. Four days to try to make sense of what had happened in my plea to buy his freedom. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t even close.
Seven
Zed
I left Nairne in an orgasmic haze with plenty to think about in terms of keeping me in the dark. She’d met Nella. Then she was being coy on the phone. I just couldn’t figure out what she was doing. Being hungover as hell didn’t help my thought processes. My brain felt like sludge and I was infuriatingly confused and worried.
I sped to practice to burn off the last of the alcohol I’d drowned myself in. Being elected boss was my worst nightmare come true, and had required liquor-induced oblivion. I could hardly think about it without wanting to vomit. I’d done everything right, played my hand perfectly to support Nella as leader, and it had blown up in my face anyway. Electing me boss. It was goddamn unacceptable.
“Muffin!” Lucas shouted.
I lifted a hand in hello, jogged onto the field, and started my warm-up laps. Lucas was in goal, taking shots from one of the assistant coaches. He dove to the right for a pretty spectacular save, then chucked the ball he’d just caught straight at me as I rounded his net. Almost nailed me in the junk but my quick reflexes saved me.
“Not today, Lucas.” I shook my head and jogged off. Warm-ups were when I settled into mindlessness and tried to zone out of my circular thoughts. While my thoughts were circular at the moment, they were hardly mindless, as I tried to figure out what Nairne was messing in. And how I was going to dig myself out of this fresh level of hell I’d found myself. How I’d make my way to Nairne like the unapologetic lovesick man I’d turned into.
I doubled back to Nella. She obviously wanted to be boss. She’d been angry last night. She was as power hungry as it got, and it had been her right to step in Antonio’s place. If I could find some way to ensure she was leader, without drawing the capo’s anger in my direction, I might have a chance. But if Nella became boss, much of my work would unravel. My setup benefitted her, but she would never do it my way long term because she was greedy and much less scrupulous than I was. Within the window of time between passing her the power and the feds’ takedown, she couldn’t do too much damage. Still, it was a lot of conditions and a huge amount of risk.
Lucas’ long, sweaty arm hooked around my neck and yanked me against him. “Zeddy, you look awful.”
I ducked out of his forceful chokehold, and was sorely tempted to shove his lanky ass right into the water cooler. I restrained myself, though. His tactics might grate on my last nerve, but he was asking because he actually gave a shit about me.
“I’m tired.”
He jogged alongside me, eyes on his feet as we took a lap. “Nope. Try again.”
I ran a hand through my hair and exhaled heavily. “My life’s an absolute fucking mess.”
“That’s the spirit.” Lucas glanced at me seriously. “Listen, Zed. I know we don’t talk about it, but I’m not an idiot. I know you’re tangled up in some terrible shit. Is this to do with that?”
“Without getting into specifics, yes, it’s got everything to do with that. I need to get out of it, sooner than I’d planned.”
Lucas turned to face me and jogged backward, keeping pace. “What’s made you move up your timetable?”
I laughed dryly as I did some high knees. “What you predicted last fall. I fell in love. And my former M.O. became intolerable.”
He grinned and I spun to run laterally, to get away from his smirk at a time like this. Lucas mirrored me and I rolled my eyes. We had to look ridiculous, facing each other in a sidestepping dance down the field, but neither of us cared.
“So, you’re set on following Mac, and to do that, you need out sooner than originally planned. What’s preventing you? Is it money?”
Lucas was loaded. A decade playing for the Premiere League and coming from a well-off family meant he’d never had to worry about finances. But he was grounded about it, and besides his Aston, he was shockingly frugal. He was also generous, and it was implied he was offering whatever he had, even though he knew I shouldn’t be hurting for cash either. We both slowed, turning off the sidelines at midfield, and jogged toward his net again.
I shook my head as we stopped. “I don’t think money’s going to get me out of this. It’s politics, relationships.”
Lucas peered at me curiously while he bent to grab his water and squirted some into his mouth. He tossed the bottle my way. “I have to say, Zed, I think for the right price, almost anything can be solved by money. You sure you’re not underestimating someone?”
I shot some water into my own mouth, then smacked the cap shut and threw it aside. I thought well when I dribbled, so I flicked a nearby ball up onto my thigh and started juggling before volleying it to Lucas. Money was definitely Nella’s love language, but could it buy me her cooperation and goodwill? Whether or not money was my answer, Nella was the next logical step in getting out.
“Maybe. If I could buy myself out, I would.”
Saying it out loud sent adrenaline surging through my body. I’d been so careful to minimize talk of it to Nairne, because I couldn’t ask her to wait for me. It was dangerous if she decided to stay on my behalf. And emotionally unfair to her if she didn’t stay. She would be left burdened with guilt and worry. So, as far as appearances went, I’d had to make a show of letting her go. She’d needed to stay in the dark about my methods for getting out of this, regardless of my timeframe.
That she’d paid Nella a visit, been weird about a phone call, was ample evidence for how wise my instinct was to keep her ignorant of the details. This morning Nairne had fessed up with a dissatisfactory degree of clarity, implying her woman-to-woman talk with Nella was simply an aim to help her better understand my world. It was an incomplete explanation and I was beginning to suspect Nairne was fishing around for a solution to the problem of my current predicament. Which was a recipe for disaster.
In short, Nairne’s actions were well-meaning, imbued with love, but ridiculously unsafe. I couldn’t afford for her to stay around this increasingly volatile situation and compromise herself any further. She needed to graduate and be safely stashed in England, while I figured out how to be free, once and for all.
Lucas returned my volley and backed into the net to take some shots. “Come on.” He gestured. “Let’s have a go.”
I took a shot on him, and Lucas punched it away. “So, you get out. Then where do you go?”
“Where Nairne goes,” I answered automatically.
He grinned. “And where’s that?”
“England.”
“Mate, are you following me? You don’t have to pretend it’s all about Mac, you know.”
Lucas’ contract was up in just a few weeks. Then he was flying home, picking up his family’s business, and diving into that craziness, because he was about as good as Nairne at slowing down and enjoying leisure time.
“Don’t let it get to your head,” I said wryly. I juggled, then shot, doing a scissor kick.
Lucas punched it away.
Logistics swarmed my head. All variables I’d had in motion were no longer at the rate they needed to be. I had to move Dad and Teo as soon as humanly possible. Get the nonprofit in good hands. Molly could take over. She was Mom’s best friend, and next to my immediate family, Molly knew Mom best. She’d see the organization met my mother’s goals and thrived. Then, I had to sever my contract, finally let my agent here actually take a look at the offers I’d had thrown at me from abroad for years.
I’d planned on the takedown handling Nella for me, by seeing that she and I ended up on opposite sides of bars, where she’d be safely locked away, along with her rampant greed and lack of morals about how she made money.
/> Shooting a few more on Lucas released pressurized anxiety from my ribs, as I tried to think how I’d put it to Nella. I couldn’t reveal my true cards of planning to escape until everything else was in place, my family safe, Nairne gone, the nonprofit secure. First, I had to convince her to take my place, and uphold the system.
Why hadn’t I done all this sooner? Because earlier in the process of the takedown, it would have resulted in a complete regression, which was unconscionable. Nella wasn’t nearly as interested as I was in avoiding the heavy hitters—weapons trafficking, prostitution and pornography, among others. When she became boss, she wouldn’t be able to resist those lucrative economies for long. But if the takedown was close, my focus could be minimizing the dangerous time between Nella’s power and her fall from it.
Problem was, the takedown could happen soon, but not definitely. And if I put Nella in power preemptively, the moral value of what I was contemplating tipped from defensible to damning.
“What are you scheming, Zeddy?” Lucas yanked the bottom of his shirt up to wipe the sweat dripping in his eyes. Even for June, it was hot as hell, and I was already pouring myself.
I scrunched my face in thought. “I got really shitfaced last night, and now I’m hungover and trying to think about how to get out of my situation without overanalyzing the ethics of it. And I’m fucking overheating.”
Lucas squinted as he chugged his water again, then shook it when he seemed to suspect it was empty. “You called last night, do you remember?”
I shook my head.
“I couldn’t understand you, given the fact that you were absolutely gazeboed, but you assured me you weren’t driving, and you said something about your life being over. I texted the lovely Mac and not long after our chat, she assured me you were comatose in her bed.”
He came over and dropped his voice. “I don’t know the details of what you’re facing, but I’ll say this. Whatever ethics you’re hung up on, I’d politely encourage you to tell them to sod off, if they keep you from living the life you truly believe in and want.”
I glanced out over the field, which echoed with the scuffle of cleats on turf, and the periodic crack of shots being taken. “My entire adult life, I haven’t lived like that, Lucas. I’ve done what I thought I should. Thinking beyond that feels…indulgent, wrong. Except for when I think of losing Nairne, then it feels very, very right.”
Lucas nudged me. “Then that’s what you listen to. How you lived in the past may have seemed clear and correct, Zed.” He toed a ball in front of himself and cracked it from thirty yards out. I watched it sail through the air and drop neatly inside the goal. He turned back to me and grimaced into the sun. “But don’t let fear of the unknown, of following your heart, deter you from wading into murkier territory. Just because something has clarity doesn’t mean it’s right. And just because something’s brimming with contradictions and gray areas, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Listen to your gut, and bloody follow it.”
He smacked me on the back and walked off, then turned and grinned at me over his shoulder. “Then ring me when you get to England, won’t you?”
Eight
Zed
Hull, Massachusetts. One of those old-as-god little strips of coastal land that the Pilgrims crashed into and barely survived. Hell of a view, but shitty soil for agriculture. These days it was home to luxurious beachfronts and New England “cottages” that were so expensive and enormous that calling them cottages sounded pretentious, not to mention absurd.
Nella had a place that was actually cottage-sized. It’s where she’d brought me the night I became consigliere. It’s where we’d always come to scene. For me to learn how to be who I’d become. An identity that I’d found myself increasingly distancing myself from since meeting Nairne and envisioning a world beyond the strict dichotomy of power and vulnerability.
Right before George Washington Boulevard became Nantasket Avenue, I peeled right and took the sharp horseshoe turn that brought me under an overpass and onto her road. Spruce and evergreen, peppered with pink bursts of redbud and golden hickory trees flanked the unpaved path. I’d driven the Land Rover. It took the bumpy terrain easily, because fuck if I was dragging the Ferrari through this mud. When I wrenched the car into park, I caught the tang of salt air that never left Hull and watched the breeze shake a towering row of white firs nearby.
Nella sat on her steps in a leopard print robe, dark shoulder-length hair uncharacteristically messy. She exhaled a plume of smoke and tapped the ash into the yard. I stared at her, and though she didn’t turn to look at me, she’d seen me.
“What do you want, Zed?”
Her voice was hoarse. I slammed my car door shut, shoved my hands in my jeans, and walked up. “I’ll tell you what I don’t want. To be boss.”
She sniffed and took another drag of her cigarette. When she exhaled, she patted next to her on the steps. “Sit.”
I did, my knees double-cracking as I joined her. “You’re better suited to the role. We both know it’s not for me.”
“Then what will you do, Zeddo?” She bit her nail, and her cigarette unfurled smoke idly from between her fingers. “You can’t abdicate the role without causing an uproar.” Her eyes met mine and they were wet with unshed tears. “You’d have to leave.”
“Possibly,” I hedged.
Of course I’d have to leave.
“But let’s not worry about that for now,” I said. “I want to focus on how we get you before the capos and explain why you and I work better with you occupying the senior position.”
She shook her head and irritation boiled inside me. She should be all over this—I was handing her the keys to the kingdom—and instead she was sulking, pulling up the drawbridge that I was sprinting across toward freedom. “What, Nella?”
She shrugged, sucked on her cig. “It won’t be that simple.”
“Why not? If it’s a matter of money, I’ll pay you whatever you need to take over and simply keep it how I have. I just can’t be boss—”
“I don’t want your money, Zeddo.” Her free hand interlaced with mine.
I stared down at it and felt dread tightening my throat.
She exhaled shakily. “Is that really all you want, not to be boss? I know you’ve always done this life reluctantly, but you’re good at it, gnocco. And you seemed to settle in.”
“It’s not who I am, Nella. It’s who I had to be.”
“What about la fragola?” Nella grasped her glass of wine that was on her other side. She drank deeply from it and set it down.
Fuck. Was she onto me?
“What about her?”
She smashed her cigarette into the earth. Her hands came together, and she stared off at the ocean. “Do you love her?”
I had to lie, even though denying what Nairne meant to me felt like speaking a curse.
“She’s a good fuck, I’ll give her that. But drives me crazy. We’re not compatible material.”
Nella laughed quietly.
I caught her chin and tipped her face to me. “Why?”
Her caramel eyes were shining with tears. “Because I love you, Zed. I always have.”
Nella was incapable of love, an emotion predicated on empathy and sacrifice, connection and trust. What she meant was she wanted me to be hers, to control. Because that was the extent to which she could experience attachment to someone. I had plenty of experience truncating my feelings to that limited range. But unlike Nella, I’d chosen that as a coping mechanism rather than not being capable of it. Then came Nairne, and god had she gloriously obliterated my M.O.
I stroked Nella’s chin with my thumb, tried to placate her with my touch. “I know. And you’ll always matter to me, Nella.”
She shook her head and a tear spilled over. “No, Zed. I don’t love you like you love me.”
My hand dropped. “You don’t mean that. Etto, he’s—”
“Etto and I are good to each other. I don’t love him. He gives me something I need, but he isn’t the
one man I’ve ever trusted.”
My heart sank. “Nella, I don’t…”
“Stop. I don’t want to hear it.” She turned away again, and pulled out another cigarette. Lit up and exhaled. When she spoke, her voice was flat, and she stared at the sea. “All right, Zed.”
“All right?”
She tapped her cig against her lips. “We’ll go to the capos. Try to talk them into letting us switch places…” She inhaled, then blew up to the sky. Grey clouds moved in as a late spring storm gathered over the shore.
I watched her caramel eyes dart back and forth, like she was searching the heavens for an answer she couldn’t find.
“Thank you, Nella.”
She laughed softly, turned my way. “I could never say no to you, Zeddo.”
Her hand curled around my neck as she pulled me toward her. “Kiss me? For old time’s sake.”
I froze, then peeled her hand off my neck. “I can’t, Nella.”
“Why?” she snapped. Her hand landed hard on my chest. “You say you don’t love her, but since you met her, you barely come near me, you shirk my touch.”
My jaw ticked. “I wanted to respect you and Etto. You two became exclusive, and—”
“You’re lying. She means something to you, this little no one with nothing but brains and naivete about saving the world to go on.” Nella scoffed and sucked her cigarette violently. “When did you become so foolish? Someone good like her could never love someone like you, not if she really knew who you were.”
Nella wasn’t entirely wrong. I wasn’t worthy of Nairne. My story was complicated and definitely messier than Nairne deserved. But Nairne loved me for who I was. She actually knew roughly what I did, the grey areas and soiled corners of my life, and she still wanted me.
Nairne’s love had obliterated the façade of my low expectations for life and shown me a world we could experience together, one that was infinitely more dazzling. The difference between Nairne’s impact on my life and Nella’s could not be clearer in that moment, as Nella condemned me to my worst view of myself.
