by Kira Chase
Rachel put her jacket over her head and made a mad dash for the car. “I’m glad you’re okay, Ker. I shouldn’t have asked you to come out in this storm,” she panted apologetically as she tossed her jacket in the back seat.
Kerri grinned at her. “You know that I’ll always be here for you whenever you need me. I’m your Knight remember? So, what’s up?” she warily asked as she looked at her.
Rachel sighed tiredly. “I’m just restless.”
Kerri raised her eyes in surprise. “And? Let me guess…you’re having second thoughts about quitting your job and are already bored to tears. Am I right?”
“No, that’s not it. I just feel like this town is closing in on me and that if I stay any longer I’ll regret it.”
“I think you’re just bored without having your job to go to everyday.” She cautiously backed down the driveway. “Do you want to get something to eat or see a movie?”
“I don’t know what I want to do.”
Kerri reached over and patted her knee. “It’ll be okay, Rachel. I promise. Maybe if you talk to Mr. Canton he’ll give you your job back. Tell him your plans didn’t pan out and you need your job back.”
Rachel numbly nodded knowing that her former job was the last thing she wanted or needed, but she wasn’t in the mood to argue.
Later they sat in Kerri’s apartment with a large pizza sitting on the coffee table in front of them. “It’s good, honey…don’t you want any?”
“I’m not hungry.” Rachel closed her eyes and leaned back into the sofa.
Kerri set her slice of pizza down then wiped her hands on a paper napkin. “You’ve barely said two words tonight. Okay, Rachel, what’s wrong now?”
“Everything.”
Kerri wrapped her in her arms. “This isn’t like you, honey. Tell me how I can help you. Please don’t shut me out.” She stared into her eyes. “We’ve always been able to talk about everything and get our strength from one another.”
A sharp streak of lightning lit up the semi-darkened room followed by a loud crack of thunder. “I don’t know what to do, Ker,” she groaned.
“Come on.” She took Rachel’s hand and led her into the bedroom. “Let’s cuddle. Remember the first time we had a rainstorm and we stayed in bed all day making love? That day will always remain one of my most cherished memories.”
Rachel smiled at the remembrance as she removed her clothes and climbed into bed. “It’s chilly in here.”
Kerri kissed her cheek. “I’ll warm you up.” She lit some candles then quickly got out of her clothes and slipped into bed beside Rachel. She put her arms around her as she nuzzled Rachel’s silky hair. “Feeling warmer?”
“Always...when I’m with you.” She sighed contentedly as she closed her eyes. She didn’t want to think tonight. Her mind needed some rest.
“Do you want to talk? Or is there something else you’d like to do?” Kerri whispered suggestively close to her ear.
“Just hold me, Ker. Please, just hold me.”
Kerri rested Rachel’s head on her shoulder. The rain beating against the window pane soon lulled them into a peaceful sleep.
When Rachel awoke, she was surprised to see Kerri filling her backpack with books. “Where are you going so early?” she asked with a yawn. “It’s only seven thirty.”
“I’ve got an early class. I hope I didn’t wake you. I tried to be quiet.” She walked over to Rachel and picked up her hand. “It was so nice waking up next to you knowing that someday soon I’ll be waking up next to you every morning.”
Rachel looked into Kerri’s twinkling eyes. “Ker, we need to talk.”
“Okay, but first let me tell you what I’ve been thinking,” she said excitedly.
Rachel squeezed her hand. “Okay.”
Kerri sat down on the bed next to her. “I don’t want you to look for a job or to go back to Canton’s. I’ll take care of everything until you decide what you really want to do. It’ll be fun living with you.” Her hands swept around the small apartment. “I know this isn’t much, but we can brighten it up and you can do anything you want to fix it up. Or if you’d rather, we can keep your apartment and I’ll move my things in there.”
Rachel tenderly touched Kerri’s cheek. “You are so sweet. That’s one of the things I love most about you, but you barely make ends meet as it is. And you know how strict my apartment management is—not to mention my nosy neighbors. If we moved in together in my building it wouldn’t take long for the gossip moguls to spread it through the town.”
“Let’s not worry about that now. I’ve got to get to class.” She kissed her, and then stood up. “Oh, I almost forgot, what did you want to tell me?”
Rachel smiled knowing she didn’t have the heart to tell her what was on her mind after Kerri had just offered to share everything she owned with her. “It can wait.”
“Okay, we’ll have a long talk when I get back.” She hurried out of the apartment.
Rachel lay back on the pillows listening as Kerri’s footsteps hit the stairs. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she pictured Kerri, backpack secure on her back, charging down the stairs like a bull as she hurried out onto the waking street, soon blending in with the other pedestrians.
Fifteen minutes later, Rachel got out of bed, and made a pot of coffee. After she finished her second cup, she made the bed and straightened up the apartment. She peered into the refrigerator and cupboards finally pulling out enough ingredients to make some homemade soup. Kerri was a disaster in the kitchen so Rachel knew she’d enjoy anything that was home cooked.
As she chopped vegetables and added them to a pot, she wondered if she was making the right decision. She had someone who truly loved her. Should she risk throwing it all away? She wasn’t getting any younger and the longer she stayed here the more settled she and Kerri would become until finally they would find themselves in a rut and too old to make a new start. They would be forced to permanently spend their lives in secrecy. That was the one thing she couldn’t bare. She sighed. Her decision weighed heavily on her heart. It wasn’t fear, but the awakening realization of how short life really was. Life could drastically change from one day to the next and there were no certainties in this life. She needed to live now; she couldn’t wait. Who knew if tomorrow would ever come?
She had just stepped out of the shower and was toweling herself dry when she heard the door burst open and Kerri’s bubbly voice. “Rachel, I’m home! Wow, something sure smells good in here!” She heard the lid being lifted from the kettle and smiled knowing Kerri’s pleasure at seeing the homemade soup. She quickly dressed then hurried to the living room.
Kerri bounded over to her wrapping her in her strong arms. “I missed you,” she said kissing her. “The place looks great and the soup smells fantastic.”
“I know how hard you work. You deserve to come home to a clean apartment and a hot meal.” She touched Kerri’s cheek. “I love doing these things for you, Kerri.”
“I could definitely get used to this,” she grinned. “I have a surprise.” Her eyes brightened.
Rachel smiled. “What?”
“I’ve been asked to privately tutor one of the students in my design class. That’s going to bring in a bit of extra money so I’m hoping in a few months we can move to a bigger place. Give up your apartment and stay here until we find a place we both like. Money may be tight for awhile, but we’ll get by.”
“That’s wonderful news,” Rachel answered wondering how she could bring up her own selfish concerns to Kerri when Kerri obviously was spending all of her free time making plans for their future.
Kerri grabbed her arm. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Here I’ve been going on and on and this morning you said you wanted to talk to me about something.” She settled into her easy chair and kicked off her shoes. “Okay, I’m going to keep quiet now and give you a chance to talk for once.”
Rachel took Kerri’s hands and then rested her head in Kerri’s lap. “I love you more than you’ll
ever know.”
Kerri ran her fingers through Rachel’s damp hair. “I love you, too. That’s why I’m trying to make things perfect for us. Once I finish school who knows what could happen. I could be designing for a famous company some day.”
Rachel blinked back tears. “I know you’ll do it some day, honey. I’ve never doubted it for a minute. I just wish you would have been able to do it ten years ago.”
She shrugged. “That’s life, but I’m thankful that I’ve been given the chance to pursue my dream instead of wondering if I could have done it or not.” She continued stroking Rachel’s hair then gently raised Rachel’s head as she peered into her eyes. “What’s really wrong, baby?” She brushed the tears from Rachel’s eyes. “Tell me,” she prompted.
Rachel got to her feet and walked to the sofa.
Kerri was instantly at her side. “Come on, Rachel. I know something’s wrong. Please talk to me.” She pulled her close.
Rachel took a shaky breath. “I’ve made a decision,” she haltingly said.
“What is it?”
She let her breath out in a rush. “I want to leave Wilson Point as soon as possible.”
“Honey, someday we will leave…together. I promise.”
“No, Kerri, I don’t want to wait…I can’t.” She wrung her hands. “I’m thirty-one years old for God’s sake. If I were twenty-one, then maybe I’d feel differently. Time isn’t on my side any more.”
“You’re talking like you’re eighty-one. We’re still young.” Kerri swallowed hard. “Are you telling me that you won’t wait just a little longer? I’m trying to make things good for us. I thought you were as happy as I am,” she said in a broken voice.
“I am happy being with you, Kerri. I love you. I don’t see why you can’t come with me. I’ll get a full time job and make up for the loss of your scholarship. The opportunities will be so much better away from here. I won’t feel so stifled. I want to be able to walk down the street holding hands with you with no one concerning themselves about our sexuality.”
Kerri shook her head back and forth. “I can’t just pack up and leave, Rachel. Besides do you even know where you want to go?”
She shrugged. “I was thinking maybe New York City. I want to feel alive and the excitement of a big city might take away this dead feeling I’ve had inside for so long.”
Kerri winced. “I didn’t know that’s how I was making you feel.” She blinked back tears. “I make you feel like you’re dead.” She took a shuddering breath.
“Oh no, Kerri, that’s not what I mean.”
“We’ll take a trip to New York together if that’s what you need. We should spend some time alone together. It’ll do us both good to get away for a vacation.” She snapped her fingers. “I know. We’ll see a play. I know how much you love the theater. When I finish school we can move to a nice quiet suburb of Buffalo.”
“Just listen to me, Kerri. We need to begin our life together somewhere new where no one knows us. I’m tired of living in secret. Please understand what I’m going through,” she pleaded. “Doesn’t it bother you at all?”
Kerri ran a hand through her hair. “Not this again. Buffalo is certainly a big enough city to lose ourselves in.”
“I’m tired of this whole area.” She frowned. “You know what you mean to me, Kerri.”
“Sometimes I wonder. My life is right here for the time being and I thought your future was here with me. Besides I love having the rural countryside and the bustling city almost at my fingertips.”
“I do want a future with you, but not here.”
Kerri let her breath out in a rush. “I’ve told you repeatedly that we’ll never find that perfect place you seem to think exists. It’s not going to happen. We will always run into ignorant people no matter where we go. We are who we are and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let ignorance stand in the way of my happiness. If someone chooses not to like me for who I am, then he or she can go straight to hell! I don’t give a damn! You need to quit letting other people dictate your life for you or you’ll never be happy.”
“Kerri, don’t you care about my feelings at all? Can’t you see what’s happening to me?”
Kerri shot her a pointed look. “You obviously haven’t given this much thought and that’s not like you at all, Rachel. Why the need to get away right now? What’s the hurry?”
“I…I can’t explain it, Ker.” She pushed her hair back with both hands. “I feel like I’m suffocating in Wilson Point. What have I done with my life? I don’t feel fulfilled.”
“Is what you’re really saying is that you don’t feel fulfilled with me?” she quietly asked.
“Of course not, Ker. I don’t know how to explain it to you,” Rachel replied, throwing her hands in the air. “You refuse to hear what I’m saying.”
“I’m not going to try to stop you from leaving, Rachel. I know you well enough to know when you make up your mind about something no one will change it for you. Do what you have to do and never let it be said that I ever stood in the way of your happiness.”
Rachel grabbed Kerri’s hands. “Kerri, I love you so much.” Her eyes glistened, the words catching in her throat. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Don’t ever forget that, but I’m suffocating here. I have to go for my own sanity and I hope that you’ll reconsider and come with me. I need you.”
Kerri shrugged. “I’m not going to try to stop you, but you’re being unrealistic in thinking that I can just pack up and leave with you. I have some studying to do.” She pulled a book from her backpack and without another word walked to the bedroom.
In bed later that night, Rachel listened to Kerri’s heavy breathing, but knew that she wasn’t asleep. She moved closer tenderly touching Kerri’s smooth cheek. “Ker?”
“Hmmm?”
“Were you sleeping?”
She slowly let her breath out. “No, just thinking.”
“About what?”
Kerri shifted turning her face toward Rachel. “Us. I thought my life was finally going the way I’d always hoped and now you’re leaving me.” Her voice cracked, and then broke. “I’m afraid that I’m losing you and I don’t know what to do.”
Rachel ran her fingertips over Kerri’s cheek feeling the tear that trickled from her eye. “I’ll never leave you, Ker. I just need to do this. For us.”
Kerri sighed. “You need to get this out of your system. Is that what you’re saying?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do I know that you won’t some day meet someone else and decide you need to be with her for awhile to get it out of your system?”
“That’s not fair. It’s not the same thing.”
“Dammit, why do you have to leave me?” she cried as Rachel wrapped her arms around her.
Chapter Three
Rachel grabbed a couple of suitcases, packed as much as she could fit into them and carried them to the porch. Kerri’s car turned up the street. Kerri, dressed in sweats, leaped out of the car, and grabbed the suitcases gently placing them in the back seat. Rachel slid into the passenger seat as Kerri jumped back into the driver’s seat. After a couple of minutes of tense silence, Rachel finally spoke. “So, are you all right with this?”
She shrugged keeping her eyes on the road. “You know how I feel and my feelings obviously don’t matter so what’s the point in repeatedly asking me how I feel?”
Rachel patted Kerri’s knee. “Please, Kerri, if you say you’ll come with me soon then I’ll wait to leave.”
She shook her head. “Rachel, I can’t and there’s no sense in going over this again and again. You never discussed your plan with me in the first place to leave immediately so I suppose I’ve finally realized just where I do stand in your life.”
“Oh, that’s so unfair, Kerri. I love you, dammit and you know it.”
She sniffed. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
“I love you so much,” she exasperatedly replied. “Is it asking too much for you
r support here? I want you in my life. I need you in my life. We’re a team, Kerri. We can go so far together and nothing will stop us. We just can’t do that here.”
Kerri kept silent on the remainder of the drive to the bus station. She parked the car in front of the modern new building and removed the luggage from the back seat. “I guess this is it,” she said emotionless.
Rachel touched her arm. “Aren’t you coming in with me?” She looked into Kerri’s eyes. Kerri was putting on a brave front, but Rachel knew her well enough to know that Kerri didn’t want her to see how she really felt.
She shook her head. “What for? I’m not going to watch you get on that bus and disappear from my life as though I condone your decision. You don’t even know what you’ll find when you arrive in New York.”
Rachel saw the dark circles under Kerri’s eyes. She knew Kerri hadn’t slept well the past few nights. She hadn’t either. All they’d done for the past week was argue and it had taken a toll on the both of them. “I’ll call you tomorrow. I promise.”
Kerri scratched her head. “I’ve got something for you, Rachel.”
“What?”
She took off her ring. “Here.” She placed it in Rachel’s hand holding her hand briefly before letting go.
Rachel’s eyes teared. “But…but this is the ring I gave you,” she whispered in a cracked voice.
“You can stay here with me knowing we’ll leave here in a couple of years or you can go now, but I can’t wear your ring if you get on that bus.” She swiped the tears from her eyes. “I can’t make any more promises if you leave.”
“This means we’re breaking up, Ker. Take back your ring. Please put it back on right now. I don’t want to break up.”
“Then please get back in the car.” Her eyes pleaded with Rachel. “Don’t break my heart,” she whispered.
“Please understand why I’m doing this, Kerri. I do love you. We’ll be together like we planned.” Rachel picked up her suitcases and walked into the bus terminal. Once inside she turned watching through the glass door as Kerri wiped the tears from her cheeks then got into her car quickly speeding away.
