I stayed in my fucking seat.
“Jordan! Aren’t you going to get up there?” my mother called out from the table next to ours.
I gritted my teeth at the sound of her overly cheerful voice. It didn’t matter if it was my third grade dance recital or my sister’s wedding, my mother never shied away from embarrassing me.
I looked at the dance floor—four singles. Awesome.
“I’m okay.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Go out there.” She turned to her sister, my aunt Shirley, lowering her voice slightly, but still loud enough that I couldn’t miss her next comment. “She’s thirty this year. No boyfriend.”
I bit my cheek trying to keep from offering up a retort. I did have a boyfriend. He just unfortunately had a wife in the United States Air Force.
“Are we ready?” the DJ asked, scanning the crowd.
Meg walked up to the front of the room, bouquet in hand. Our gazes locked across the room.
“Come on,” she mouthed, gesturing toward me with her free hand.
I loved my sister, and it was her wedding. I stood, feeling like everyone’s gaze was on me as I made my way to the group of girls eagerly awaiting the toss.
Oh God, my seventeen-year-old cousin was here.
So freaking embarrassing.
Meg turned her back to us, and then she heaved the bouquet over her head, the flowers sailing through the air.
I didn’t know if she did it intentionally, or if the bouquet gods had just decided to add to my embarrassment, but either way, the thing practically fell into my waiting hands as though pulled there by a magnetic field.
Meg grinned, coming over and giving me a big hug, while all the people cheered.
Whatever.
NOAH
I was exhausted after the ONE, my day spent essentially flying circles in the sky. I was in a shit mood, knowing I’d let Jordan down again, my mind with her the entire time. I didn’t want her family to think I’d flaked out, didn’t want her to think that, either.
I checked the time in Florida and pulled out my cell and called her, wondering if she would be back from the reception yet. She answered immediately.
“Hey. How was the wedding?”
I could hear the excitement in her voice, and the telltale sign that she’d been partying a bit. “Really beautiful. Meg was so happy.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.” I stared at the picture she’d sent me earlier of her dressed in pink, flowers in her hand; I’d made it my backdrop. “You looked gorgeous. Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah, I did. I caught the bouquet.”
I grinned. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry I missed that.”
“Me, too.”
Silence filled the line.
Worry hit me.
“Are we okay?”
She took a deep breath. “Yes. Maybe a little no.”
A pang hit my chest. “That’s fair.”
“I know this is fast, and believe me, I kind of feel like an idiot for even bringing it up, but I’m thirty and I just caught the bouquet at my little sister’s wedding and endured days of relatives asking me why I hadn’t met a nice guy, and I’ve drunk like a freaking bottle of champagne, so I’m just going to ask—this is going somewhere, right?” She took another deep breath. “I’m not crazy here, thinking we’re on the same page when we’re not.”
I’d had the talk before with girlfriends, and honestly, it had never been something I enjoyed, but with Jordan, it felt different. I didn’t blame her for asking, and maybe it was too soon in the sense that we’d only known each other over a month, but in a way, it didn’t feel too soon. I’d been with girls for six months and felt less for them than I did for Jordan after just six weeks—a lot less.
“Yes. This is definitely going somewhere.”
“I don’t mind having fun, and I’m not asking for a proposal or anything,” she added, “but I really care about you, and even though I have no clue how it would work with our lifestyles, I could see myself having a future with you. I want to work toward that.”
God. Me, too. I was falling in love with her. I wanted to be able to tell her that we had a future together, wanted to give her the possibility of forever, even when my forever came with a host of military-provided caveats and asterisks.
“I don’t know what our future holds, and given the way everything has gone with my life in the military, I can definitely promise that it will be bumpy, but I’m with you—I want to work toward building a future together. I know it’s early, and I know it’s fast, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You have me for as long as you want me.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Silence filled the line again and then I could hear the smile in her voice. “How was your flying thing?”
I grinned. “It was good. Wish I were in Florida with you, though.”
“Can I come see you soon?” she asked.
“I was hoping you would. I miss you.”
“How about next weekend?”
“Next weekend is perfect.”
Relief filled me. I’d been so worried that this would screw things up between us, but now I clung to the hope that there was still a chance.
“So what are you wearing?” Jordan asked, breaking the silence, a teasing note in her voice.
I grinned. “Are you propositioning me?”
“Maybe. I don’t know if it was being a bridesmaid, or the wedding, or the champagne, but I sort of feel like I owe the dress some sex. Think you could help me out with that?”
That I could definitely do.
SEVENTEEN
JORDAN
I took a sip of my beer, burrowing deeper into the curve of Noah’s arm. I was spending the weekend with him in Oklahoma and we’d gone out to dinner with Joker, Dani, Easy, and Thor.
I was slowly eating my way through the Oklahoma barbecue scene and this place might have been my favorite of all the restaurants we’d gone to. The brisket was one of the best things I’d ever eaten and the baked beans were to die for. I could have written poems about the coleslaw.
I was surprised at how much fun I was having, at how seamlessly the group fit together. Dani and Joker were adorable as a couple, and I’d pretty much decided I wanted to be them when I grew up. Even though they’d been married for a while, they still looked like they were newlyweds in love. They held hands and finished each other’s sentences in a way that was cute rather than annoying.
The guys talked about flying for the most part, and I’d gotten used to the fact that most of our conversations revolved around jets. When it was just the two of us, Noah kept the fighter pilot talk to a minimum, but when he was around his bros, they all basically geeked out on it. I didn’t always understand what they were talking about, but I was slowly picking up some of the lingo.
“Do you mind if we go play pool?” Noah asked. “Do you want to play?”
I grinned. “Thanks, but I’m horrible at pool.” I met Dani’s gaze across the table. “Do you want to just hang out here?”
She nodded. “Sounds like a plan to me. We can have a break from talking about F-16s.”
Easy shot her a sheepish grin. “Sorry about that.”
The guys got up from the table and I watched them walk away, not bothering to hide how much I enjoyed the view. As much as I teased Easy and Noah about their bromance, there was something cute about seeing them all together. Plus, the fact that they were fine as fuck didn’t hurt.
My gaze met Dani’s and her lips twitched. “The flying conversations ad nauseam can get a little old, but there are definitely perks to this.”
I laughed. “So true.”
We’d started chatting and texting in the weeks since we’d met, and she kept me in the loop
on all the squadron functions. I was kind of surprised by how active the wives were—they had monthly coffees and what seemed like social functions nearly every week. I hadn’t been able to make any of them yet, but I really appreciated Dani including me. Not all of the wives had been as welcoming as she was, and she was definitely the only one I felt close to.
I was feeling a little lost in this whole military girlfriend thing, and it was nice to hang out with someone who understood the ups and downs better than anyone. I’d tried talking to Sophia about Noah after Meg’s wedding, and she’d listened, but it wasn’t quite the same. My family and friends kept asking me if I wanted to be with a guy who didn’t seem as invested in the relationship as I was—how I was okay with the fact that I was always the one visiting him—and as much as I tried to explain that his job complicated everything, they just didn’t seem to understand. I knew they loved me and wanted me to be happy, but right now I needed to talk to someone who got it.
“You guys are adorable together,” Dani commented, a smile on her face. “I’ve known Noah for years now and I’ve never seen him as happy as he is with you.”
I really needed to hear that right now.
“How’s the adjustment to military life?” she asked.
“It’s going, I guess. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal, and other times . . .”
Sometimes I forgot he didn’t have a normal job, then inevitably, something happened and I was right back to being terrified every time he told me he was about to fly, my stomach in knots until he texted to tell me he’d landed.
“Yep. That pretty much sums it up.” She took a sip of her drink. “I heard about your sister’s wedding. That had to have been rough.”
“Yeah, it was. I understood, but that didn’t make it any less disappointing, or easier to tell my parents. Does that kind of stuff happen a lot?” I asked, not entirely sure I wanted the answer. Although in this case I was beginning to learn that it was better to prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised than to set myself up for disappointment.
“More times than I can count. Sometimes it’s not so last minute, but often it is. Trust me, you don’t know how many times I’ve had to cancel travel plans. It’s gotten to the point where I just avoid making plans or booking trips until the last minute. And if something does come up that requires a lot of lead time, like a wedding or something, I just assume Joker won’t be able to make it.”
“That has to be hard.”
“It is. As hard as it is with the two of us, I’m worried about when we have kids. I know a lot of the wives do it, but at the same time, I’ve seen so many of my friends celebrate their kids’ milestones while their husbands are gone. I worry that Joker’s going to miss out on the important stuff. And honestly, given how much he works, the day-to-day stuff, too.
“As much as I know that I can handle basically being a single parent on my own, there’s this part of me that wishes things could be different. That he could have a normal job that would let him be around for birthdays and holidays, and not gone more than he’s home.”
I hadn’t even thought about what it would be like to raise kids in this lifestyle. She was right; I struggled to imagine a family like that. Not when mine was so close.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pile on you. The kid thing has been on my mind lately.” Sadness flickered in her eyes. “We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now.”
On the one hand, I was surprised she’d share something so personal with me, but at the same time it felt like there was a connection forming between us. Maybe it was part of being in this sisterhood of sorts. There was something about this lifestyle—the common experience that so few people shared—that had you forming bonds more quickly than you otherwise would.
“We’ve been trying for the last couple of years and it isn’t happening,” she continued. “I keep telling myself I just need to be calm about it, but it’s hard when I’ve been wanting it so badly for so long.” Her eyes welled up. “I had a miscarriage six months ago, and it’s just been really tough since then.”
“I’m so sorry.” I reached out and squeezed her hand.
“Thanks. It’s just been tough for us. Joker was TDY when I miscarried, and he came home for a bit, but then he had to go to Vegas for Red Flag, and now this TDY to Alaska. Normally I’m fine with him being gone, but I don’t know . . . I think I’m just a mess after losing the baby. And it’s hard to get pregnant when your husband isn’t home.”
“I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through something like that by yourself.”
“Joker was able to get home the next day, but it was really difficult not having him with me. Thank God for the squadron, though. The wives pitched in until he came home. And Easy took me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time.”
That surprised me. I must have made a face because her lips twitched.
“You don’t like Easy very much, do you?”
I hesitated. “I don’t dislike him. He’s just not my favorite person. Something about him rubs me the wrong way.”
“I can see that. He comes off like a bit of an asshole, but I promise, he’s a good guy. He and Joker have been close for a while now and I’ve gotten to know him. He was really amazing to me when I needed him, and he’s been a good friend to Joker. And he does really care about Noah. He’s the kind of guy who you want to have your back.
“This life can be hard, but you’ll learn to make friends who will become like family to you. A lot of times you won’t have a family support network near you, so you’ll find people around you who can be that for you. It isn’t always easy, but it helps. It can be difficult for your family and friends to understand what it’s like, and you’ll need people you can talk to. And seriously, if you ever need a friend to listen or a shoulder to cry on, call me. Noah’s like family and I’m so happy he’s found someone he cares about and who’s good for him. Anything you need, I’m here.”
“I’ll definitely take you up on that.”
She grinned. “Good. We’re having a party at our house tomorrow night. You guys should come over; you can meet more of the wives.”
“I’d like that. A lot.”
We chatted for the rest of the night, watching our men play pool, and as chaotic as everything felt swirling around me, I couldn’t deny the fact that I felt like I was putting down some roots here and finding a place for myself in Noah’s life.
EIGHTEEN
JORDAN
We spent Saturday night at Joker and Dani’s house, hanging out at the barbecue they hosted for the squadron. Judging by the number of people filling their home and spilling out onto the deck and lawn, it looked like all the Wild Aces had come out to party. Kids ran around, playing with toys and shouting. It was a big, chaotic, messy family of people.
I hung out with Dani for the most part, helping her get the food together. Noah got into a discussion about sports and I left him talking with Joker. As the night progressed, the families began to leave and the crowd thinned out a bit, until we were one of the few couples left. I hung off to the side, taking a minute to breathe. It had been an awesome party, but it was one of those nights when I felt like I needed to be “on,” wanting to make a good impression on Noah’s friends.
I watched him talking to Dani and Joker, happy to see he was having a good time. My gaze swept over the crowd, stopping on Easy.
Easy stood at the edge of the group, his arms crossed over his chest, highlighting his impressive torso, a bottle of beer dangling from his fingers. I was surprised to see him on the fringes; he wasn’t the kind of guy you expected to be alone at a party like this. I figured he’d be in the thick of it, entertaining everyone with a joke, his arm around a hot girl.
He lifted the bottle to his lips, taking a long pull, his gaze on something across the room. I turned, my attention already drifting back to Noah, when all of
a sudden I saw Easy’s entire body go stiff as though he were bracing for a blow. A flash of pain drifted across his face—a kind of loneliness, longing, sadness, melancholy, all rolled up into one ball of horrible that I couldn’t look away from.
My gaze followed his across the room, trying to figure out what the hell would make a look like that come into his eyes.
Dani stood across the room, her body tucked against Joker’s side, a blinding smile on her face. She pressed her lips to her husband’s, and my attention jerked back to Easy.
He looked like someone had punched him in the face. No, worse. Physical pain would be tame compared to the look in Easy’s eyes now. No, he looked like a man who’d had his insides scraped out with a grapefruit spoon, leaving a mess of entrails and emotions. And then as quickly as it had come, it was gone, his usual mask in place.
It hit me—how he acted differently around Dani, the change in his voice when he spoke to her, the look in his eyes. It had been there all along.
Easy turned away, setting his beer bottle on the table, and headed toward the door, leaving me staring after him, the desire to do something to make it better, even when I didn’t know what, an urge I nearly couldn’t resist. I’d never imagined that I’d feel sorry for Easy, and yet I did.
There wasn’t anything much worse than wanting someone you couldn’t have.
NOAH
I walked away from the group, not in the fucking mood to discuss flying right now. I’d seen the look on Easy’s face, like someone had put his dick in a vise at the sight of Dani and Joker together. And I’d seen Jordan see it. And if Easy wasn’t fucking careful, everyone would see it.
I knew Easy. He wasn’t the kind of guy who would ever make a move on Dani. For all that he could be a player, he was loyal to his friends. And even if he were the kind of guy who would make a move on a bro’s wife, Dani wasn’t like that at all. Still, this was not good for the squadron. Not to mention, my best friend looked more torn up with each day that passed. I kept thinking that this would go away; it wasn’t like he was known for sticking with a girl for longer than a few days anyway. But it wasn’t going away. And that made it so much worse.
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