Jordan walked over to me. I reached out and gripped her hand, linking our fingers. We didn’t speak; we just stood there, holding on to each other, as though we both realized how lucky we were to be together. Seeing the naked pain on Easy’s face made me hope that I never had to go through the experience of loving someone I couldn’t have.
Jordan squeezed my hand. “You should go talk to him.”
She was right, of course, but the truth was, I had no idea how to talk to him.
“I don’t know what to say,” I muttered, more than a little embarrassed to admit that I was helpless when it came to my best friend.
“You’ll figure it out.”
“I’m a guy. Relationship advice isn’t exactly my forte.”
Her lips twitched. “That has not escaped my notice. But it also hasn’t escaped my notice that you guys have a bit of a bromance going on. If he’s going to talk to anyone about this, it’ll be you.”
She was right, and still, I had no clue how to broach a conversation that would basically go along the lines of, You need to stop fantasizing about our boss’s wife.
“I’ll go talk to him.”
Jordan’s lips pressed to my cheek, her soft curves colliding with my body.
The words hovered between us, unspoken.
I love you.
It was fast. Really, really fast. And despite numerous relationships and the fact that I was thirty-three, I’d never actually said the words before. Never told a woman I wasn’t related to that I loved her.
I loved Jordan.
I loved her kindness, her enormous heart. Loved her smile, and her sexiness, and the attitude that perfectly complemented the over-the-top body. She was fun. She made me smile, made me feel things I’d never felt before. And more than anything, I wanted to make this work.
My arms tightened around her as I pulled the words back inside me. A squadron barbecue wasn’t exactly the best time or place to tell her how I felt.
She nudged my hip. “Go.”
I grabbed my beer and headed off in search of Easy, slipping out of the party and into Joker’s enormous backyard.
Easy leaned against the deck railing, beer in hand, looking up at the stars. He didn’t turn as I walked toward him, but we’d had enough nights like this that we both slid into the roles of over a decade of friendship with ease.
I stood next to him, following his gaze up to the sky. It would be a gorgeous night to fly. We drank our beers in silence, the unspoken words between us an elephant in the room.
“I’ll get it under control.”
My hand froze in midair, the bottle partway to my mouth.
He sounded bad. Really bad.
I turned to face him. “Are you sure you can do that?”
His jaw clenched as he threw back the beer again.
“I don’t know.”
I lifted my beer to my lips.
“I’m not going to do anything.”
“I know.”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?”
I didn’t know what to tell him. It kind of was; I’d figured it out months ago. Of course, I knew Easy better than anyone. And Dani was so far from the girl you expected Easy to be attracted to, that I figured most people hadn’t picked up on it. But it was only a matter of time. Especially if he kept looking at her the way he did.
I didn’t say anything, but I figured my nonanswer was answer enough.
He emptied the bottle of beer, setting it down on the wooden railing.
“Go back to your girl. I’ll come inside in a second.”
“You sure?”
He nodded.
I turned to walk back into the party and Easy’s voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Don’t fuck it up with her. She’s the kind of girl you work your ass off to keep. You’re not going to find another one like her. Take it from me, nothing sucks more than watching the girl you want be just out of your grasp.”
JORDAN
We got home from the barbecue late, a weird tension descending on the group. Noah was quiet and left to take a shower. Easy went to the living room and turned on the television. And I hovered in the hallway, wondering if I should say something to him because the look of utter defeat on his face suggested he desperately needed someone to talk to.
Finally, Easy broke the silence for me.
“You can just say it. I know you saw.”
I swallowed. “You love her.”
The look he sent me was an awful mix of pain and panic.
“No.”
My gaze didn’t waver.
“Yeah,” he admitted, his voice low.
That word. He said it as though it clawed its way through his throat. I’d always thought of Easy as shallow. And I’d never really understood Noah’s friendship with him. But the look in Easy’s eyes, the sound of his voice—there was a depth there I’d never imagined. And even more surprising, it had been Dani who brought it out in him.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He rubbed his jaw, that same haunted stare in his gaze.
“No.”
“Do you need to talk about it?”
He nodded.
An idea hit. Maybe it was stupid, but I felt the need to do something.
“Wait here.”
I walked to the kitchen, rummaging around in the freezer until I found the carton I was looking for. I grabbed two spoons from the drawer and headed back to the living room.
I bit back a laugh at the look of curiosity on Easy’s face. Given the state of their kitchen before I’d gone grocery shopping, I figured there wasn’t a lot of mint chocolate chip in his life. It was a travesty I was determined to rectify as soon as possible.
I handed him a spoon and the carton of ice cream.
“Eat.”
The side of his mouth twitched. “Is this supposed to make it all okay?”
“Not even close. But it’s good. Really good. And perfect body aside, you need a little splurge.”
The twitch grew. “Do you force-feed Noah ice cream?”
“I have other means of making Noah happy.”
He grinned. “I’ve heard.”
I made a face.
“No, literally, you guys are loud as shit. Noah hasn’t said a word, though.”
My cheeks flamed at the idea of Easy hearing us have sex. It wasn’t lost on me that I was, indeed, loud.
“Do you and Noah usually talk about your sex lives?”
“Usually?” Easy shrugged, opening the carton. “Sometimes. Not about you.”
That was a relief, at least.
“This is good,” he commented, polishing off a spoonful of ice cream. “Did you get Noah to buy this?”
I nodded. “The rabbit food got old.”
Another smile. He really was beautiful. “Rabbit food?”
“Almonds, celery, carrots.”
He laughed. “Fair enough.”
We sat there in silence while he ate the ice cream, occasionally holding the carton out to me so that I could dig out a spoonful. And with the magic of mint chocolate chip, he started talking.
“I keep thinking—hoping—it’ll go away. That I’ll look at her and this feeling in my chest won’t be there anymore. I keep waiting for it to die.”
I winced. “When did it start?”
“First time I saw her. We had a Hail and Farewell. It’s a squadron function where we welcome new pilots that come in and say good-bye to ones who are leaving. I’d been TDY so I’d missed the change of command, didn’t even know who she was. I just walked into the squadron bar and saw this girl standing there, playing with one of the kids, this smile on her face . . .”
His voice broke off, that look back in his eyes.
“I’ve never felt that way. Ever. I wanted to know who
she was, hell, I think part of me stopped thinking and I just went over there, determined to make her mine, my brain not even considering the idea that she would already be with someone else. It seemed wrong that she should be with someone else, that she wasn’t meant for me.”
Oh my God.
Oh.
My.
God.
I’d never heard a guy say stuff like this. And given the time I’d spent in the fighter squadron, I’d really never heard a guy like Easy say stuff like this. There didn’t appear to be a lot of sensitive and deep feelings within the Wild Aces, but now I realized I was wrong.
“Then Joker came up and wrapped his arms around her and I realized who she was.”
I could only imagine how he’d felt. The pain. The epic disaster of it all. And I had to imagine that the thing that made it worse was that Joker was a good guy. This wasn’t a situation where Dani was unhappy in a loveless marriage. She adored her husband, and it was pretty clear that he adored her, too.
“How long has it been?”
“A year.”
I didn’t even know what to say. It was a crappy situation. A really, really crappy situation.
“That sucks.”
“No shit.”
“Maybe you’ll meet someone else,” I offered.
Easy gave me a look of amusement. “I meet a lot of girls.”
True.
“You’ve met her. Do you think I’m going to meet anyone else like her?”
I got his point. Dani seemed pretty special.
“Maybe you’ll meet someone who isn’t like her, but who you like even more.”
He didn’t respond, just kept digging at the ice cream. I didn’t know if there was anything I could say to make this better; I was beginning to suspect there wasn’t. Maybe Noah had been right about all of it and I should have just left it alone.
Fuck.
I sucked in a deep breath. “You know Dani told me about what you did for her. About the miscarriage.”
His jaw clenched.
“And she told me that you were a good guy. A really good guy. She cares about you. A lot. I know it’s not the same way you feel about her, and believe me, I know it hurts to want her and not be able to have her, but you are special to her. She sees the deep in you, and even though I didn’t see it before, I see it now.”
I reached out and squeezed his hand.
“It’s not my business, but you’re important to two people I care about, so you’re important to me. You deserve more than girls who are trying to bag a status symbol. And the girls who care, who want more, deserve better than a guy who’s just fucking his way through heartbreak. So be the guy everyone thinks you can be. Maybe you can’t have Dani, but I promise you, there’s someone out there for you. You just have to find her.”
A moment passed, and then Easy pulled me into a side hug, the carton of ice cream between us.
“Thanks.” He released me, picking the spoon up. “Go back to Noah. I’m going to drown my sorrows a bit longer.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
He nodded.
I squeezed his hand again and got up from the couch, heading down the dark hall to the bedroom. I stopped short as my body nearly collided with Noah’s. I stifled a shriek.
He leaned against the wall, pajama pants slung low on his hips, cotton T-shirt rumpled. Pieces of his hair stuck up at weird angles from just getting out of the shower. Clearly he’d been listening to my conversation with Easy. He tucked me against his body, his arms at my waist. His lips brushed my hair, and then he whispered in my ear, his voice achingly soft.
“I love you.”
I froze, those three little words suddenly life changing.
I pulled back, my face tipping up to stare into his, my hand reaching up to trace the stubble at his jaw. His eyes closed as he leaned into my touch, and a whole other part of me melted.
“I love you, too.”
It just came out without thought or design. It just was.
“I don’t ever want to lose you,” he whispered.
“Me, either.”
“Promise me we’ll find a way to make this work.”
“I promise.”
We stood still, our limbs wrapped around each other, our heads bent, foreheads pressed together.
His grasp on me tightened. “Thanks for being nice to Easy,” he whispered.
“I was wrong about him. I didn’t understand you guys before, but I get it now. He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, he is.”
Noah jerked his head toward the bedroom. “It’s late. Come to bed.”
He clasped hands with mine and we walked down the hall to the room that was beginning to feel like our room, to the life that was beginning to feel like our life.
It was funny how three little words could change so much, and yet, somehow they did.
NINETEEN
NOAH
The weekend went by quickly, and then I was back at work on Monday, four flights scheduled for the week.
“You got a second?”
I looked up at Joker standing in the doorway of my office.
“Yeah. What’s up?”
“I just got a call from the guy who runs the Fighter Porch.”
“About me?”
One guy at the Fighter Porch handled all of the Air Force fighter assignments. We were put in groups known as VMLs based on the months when we arrived at our current assignment and then we received our new assignment based on our VML. Mine was still two VMLs away so it was weird that they’d call my squadron commander.
“Yeah. They’re still fighting manning issues in Korea. Osan and Kunsan. They’re nonvolling guys who have been on station for at least two years in their current assignment.”
Oh, fuck.
Joker saw my face. “Sorry, man. I know the timing sucks.”
“Sucks” didn’t begin to cover it.
“When?”
He winced.
“Three months. Your Report No Later Than Date is July thirty-first.”
Motherfucker.
“Which base?”
“Osan.” Joker sighed. “I know this is a kick in the nuts personally, but he did tell me that they want you up at the Wing. Wing Weapons Officer.”
It was a good opportunity for me. I’d been stationed in Korea before, and as assignments went, it wasn’t high on my list, but working at the Wing level was the kind of career advancement that would look great when my promotion board came around. But fuck, the timing couldn’t have been worse.
“We’re going to be sorry to lose you, man.”
I nodded, still processing this. A year ago, it wouldn’t have fazed me. If my Air Force career had been defined by anything, it was that the one thing you could expect was the unexpected. But now?
Joker left and I sat there, staring at the phone, wondering how the hell I was going to explain this to Jordan. I’d always told her I had a year left in Oklahoma. We’d never even broached the possibility of my next assignment taking me outside of the United States. Or that it would spring up on me like this.
Fuck.
It was a two-year assignment. And I’d only get thirty days of leave a year. So even if I could take leave, which with the high ops tempo would be difficult to say the least, that meant we’d only have thirty days a year to spend together. How did you sustain a relationship like that? Especially a new relationship?
Sure, we loved each other, but it wasn’t like we were married. How could I ask her to wait two years for me? Two years of having a boyfriend and spending holidays, birthdays, anniversaries alone. Two years of me not being there for all the things that mattered in her life. How long would it be before she met a doctor or lawyer who worked normal hours and had some semblance of control over his life? How long before she got tir
ed of waiting around for me and found someone who could make her happy and give her the things she wanted? She was thirty. She wanted kids, wanted to settle down.
When would I be able to give that to anyone?
Panic clawed at me. I loved her. I loved her and I was terrified that this would be the tipping point and I’d lose her. I’d screwed up when I’d missed her sister’s wedding, was getting ready to go to Alaska for a fucking month and a half. And then when I returned, we’d have less than two months together before my ass would have to be on a plane to Korea.
Fuck.
JORDAN
I curled up on the couch, Lulu sitting on my feet, showing me her sad eyes, begging to be petted. I scratched her ears as she head-butted me, giving me soft little kisses.
Today had been a shit day. A really shit day.
Work had been hectic and I was exhausted by the time I got to my parents’. Only to be blindsided by another attempt to “fix” my love life. I’d sat there for a fucking hour, listening to my mother throw some major shade about Noah missing Meg’s wedding and all the ways he was wrong for me. Not to mention her not-so-subtle attempts to fix me up with pretty much every single guy left in town. At this point, I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that she’d set up an online dating profile for me and started vetting the future father of my children.
Ugh.
I definitely shouldn’t give her any ideas. She’d jump on that one.
I would never have admitted it, but the truth was, her barbs were unbearable because I felt them. I knew I loved Noah, and he said he loved me, and yet I’d been burned enough times to question it. And I missed him. I hated that he was never here. Hated the distance between us. And now with this trip to Alaska coming up . . .
It just felt like I would always come second to the Air Force. And while part of me—the rational, adult part—understood that he couldn’t help it, another part of me wondered what I was getting myself into.
In a way, my mother was right. Ugh. That never got easier to say. There was an element of this that screamed, Danger: Heartbreak Ahead. I didn’t know how to love him and not want to be with him. And at the same time, I loved my job, had worked hard to get where I was. I loved my family, loved my life in Florida. Giving that up to follow Noah seemed foolish. Or at the very least, terrifying.
Fly With Me Page 17
