Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘I don’t care about the fucking kiss! The kiss means nothing. The arse squeeze, the leery words. Nothing. How could you keep this from me? Both of you?’ I stood up and looked across at Abi, who I’d never seen look so scared. She knew she had majorly put her foot in it and kicked it for good measure. ‘We shouldn’t have secrets. You mean the world to me. I trust you more than anyone.’

  ‘Gem, I’m so sorry,’ Abi said in a panic. ‘What do you need? What can we do?’

  ‘I think you should go,’ I muttered as I started clearing away the glasses. I caught Elle’s watery eyes. ‘Both of you.’ Elle dropped her head as I looked away, unable to take it all in.

  ‘Gem—’

  ‘Don’t!’ I shouted, slamming the glass down on the table. ‘You’re my family, Elle! God knows my real family fucked me over. I didn’t expect it from you.’ Elle bit down on her lip to try to stop her tears. It didn’t work. ‘I need to be on my own.’ I walked through to the kitchen and waited to hear the door close.

  Chapter 12

  Gem

  I purposely left my mobile in the house when I took the kids to school the next morning. Elle called the house phone but hung up when I didn’t answer. On her eighth attempt, I could hear her shaky voice all around the house as she finally left a message.

  ‘Gem, I know you’re there. I know the kids will be watching TV while you grab a quick cup of tea. You’ll forget you left the straighteners on and have to check them before you leave the house. You might even be putting a cheeky load of washing on in the five minutes you’ve got to spare. I know I’m right. I know you. Talk to me. I can still come over and take them to school. Ring me, OK. Love you.’

  ‘Love me? You’ve got a funny way of showing it,’ I said as I wiped away a tear and downed my tea while running up the stairs to grab the laundry basket and to check I hadn’t left the straighteners on.

  ‘Mummy, is Aunty Elle taking us to school?’ Theo shouted as I started loading the washer.

  ‘No, baby. Not today.’

  ‘She just said she could take us.’

  ‘Not today!’ Everything came out so much sharper than I intended. I dropped Brandon’s pyjamas back into the laundry basket and walked through to where they were both sitting in the living room. ‘I’m sorry.’ I sat down and kissed Theo on his head. ‘I want to take you to school today. Is that OK?’

  ‘Can we stop at Grandma’s on the way to show her my new bruise?’ He lifted up his school trousers to show me the purple and red bruise shaped exactly like the line of the coffee table he’d walked into as he’d chased a football.

  ‘I’m sure she’d love to see that.’

  ‘Good morning, Gemma. I’m so glad I caught you. I was wondering if you would like to help out with the Easter fair this year. You were such a big help at Christmas,’ Mrs Enders, Theo’s teacher from last year, was greeting the children at the school gates.

  ‘Wow, you’re super organised. It’s the first day of term,’ I laughed.

  ‘I know, I know. I need to rally the troops.’

  ‘You mean identify the ones that will actually see through the promise to help.’

  ‘Something like that,’ she smiled.

  ‘I’d love to. Sounds good. I’m sure it will be the highlight of my social calendar.’ Sadly, that was true. Looking forward to an Easter school fair pretty much summed up the sad state of my life right now.

  Theo and Brandon were circling a large tree, chasing each other and laughing when I ushered them into school. I wasn’t late today but only by sheer miracle.

  ‘Good morning, Theo.’ Miss Henshaw, Theo’s class teaching assistant, held the door open as the morning bell rang, indicating the start of school. ‘Did you all have a lovely half-term?’ she asked. He nodded and darted into the classroom to join his friends.

  ‘And he’s off,’ I laughed.

  ‘He’s full of it this morning. Ooh, just to let you know, Mrs Lee won’t be in school for a while. She only went and broke her leg when she went skiing over the holiday. Poor thing.’

  ‘Oh my God. Is she OK?’

  ‘She’s fine. Highly embarrassed but fine. We’ll be introducing the children to their new teacher today. Mrs Lee should be back in around six weeks, so everything should be fine. Business as usual. Nothing to worry about.’

  ‘Great but I’m gonna have to go!’ I shouted as I spotted Brandon about to take a nosedive down four steps. He really had no sense of danger. ‘See you later!’ I scooped Brandon under my arm and laughed as he started flailing his little legs behind me. ‘You’re going to have to be quicker than that!’ He laughed and giggled and I had to blow into his face to get him to breathe again, but my laughter stopped when I saw the blonde hair of the woman I had called my best friend for the last sixteen years. Elle was standing at the school gates. She had her hands behind her back and she was shifting her weight from foot to foot in that weird nervous dance she favoured. She started walking towards me and Brandon broke free.

  ‘Aunty Elle!’ Brandon shouted as he threw himself towards her. Elle wrapped her arms around him in a huge hug, the type given from a dedicated godmother and reserved only for a boy she adored.

  ‘Hey, gorgeous boy, how are you? Did Mummy cave in and finally give you a doughnut for breakfast?’ He shook his head and giggled as she ticked him under the ribs.

  ‘No. Cereal. Boring,’ he protested.

  She finally looked at me and bit the side of her lip when she saw my defiant hands on hips stance. ‘How are you?’ she asked tentatively.

  ‘Oh, hey, Judas,’ I replied before walking to Brandon’s classroom knowing that she would follow me, bringing Brandon with her.

  ‘Can we talk? Let’s take Brandon in and then I’ll tell you what happened step by step.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Please, let me explain what happened,’ she pleaded. ‘I’m missing morning briefing for this. Jamie’s going to kill me.’

  ‘Elle, I don’t want to know what happened. I want to know why you didn’t tell me. I want to know why you’ve kept it from me for the last eight years.’ She nodded like she understood the ache that she had caused but didn’t want to fully admit it. She looked awful. I could tell she hadn’t slept well; the dark circles under her eyes gave her away and matched mine.

  ‘Do you have cake in that bag?’ I asked as I pointed to the canvas bag on her shoulder that said mermaid stuff on it. I tried not to smile at the bag that was so typically her.

  ‘No, sorry, just a sandwich, a bottle of water and some powerballs.’ I raised my eyebrow and she smiled. ‘They’re a snack; they’re supposed to give you energy. It’s the mix of honey and coconut. I don’t know; they sounded good.’

  ‘Don’t come back again unless you have chocolate cake in that bag and preferably some macaroons to follow it up. The ones I like, not just any old rubbish. I’m thinking maybe tomorrow, or the end of the week, should give me enough time to get over the epic betrayal from my three best friends,’ I said, folding my arms.

  ‘I could leave you with a powerball,’ she muttered. ‘There’s some cocoa in there somewhere,’ she said, rifling through the bag.

  ‘I’ve no interest in your powerballs.’ Elle huffed out a laugh but quickly folded her lip under her teeth when she saw my arms were still folded.

  ‘Let me thaw for a while,’ I said, taking Brandon’s hand. She nodded, knowing that it was easy for me to slip into ice queen mode but also knowing I couldn’t breathe without having her in my life.

  ‘I’ll text you,’ she replied as I turned my back, ignoring her in an attempt to show her that I was finding this so fucking hard. ‘Text me. Call. Anything. I’ll even accept a message with just a poop emoji.’ She hated those, called them classless.

  And now I was smiling.

  Damn those friendship ties.

  Chapter 13

  Gem

  I was late. I’d taken a chance to get an extra load of washing out and hung on the line before I needed to leave the house
to collect the boys from school. I should have guessed that Brandon would have been covered in felt tip and needed a wee before he left his class. It happened every bloody time. I bent down and he got on my back for a piggy ride round to Theo’s classroom. I tried to appear nonchalant as I dragged my sweaty hair behind my ears and fanned my bright red face with Brandon’s baseball cap in an attempt to look human. That kid was surprisingly heavy. I muttered fuck when I realised a growth spurt meant new clothes and shoes.

  I pushed my way through the crowds of people and stood back on the grass outside Theo’s classroom. I remembered that Theo’s teacher was off on long-term sick and wondered if he had taken to his new teacher. He loved Mrs Lee and would be disappointed that she wouldn’t be back in school for a while. I tried to look through the windows but the bright sunshine bouncing from them was making it impossible to see through the glass. All I could see was the sweaty mess that was me staring back. I took the hair tie that was around my wrist and pulled back my hair.

  One of the double doors opened and I could make out an arm holding it back. The arm disappeared but brought into view a back, a really well defined back. I squinted and held my hand over my eyes to try to get a better look. The back was now stepping backwards into the doorway, a clipboard in one hand and a collection of papers in the other. My eyes travelled from his long, lean back up to his perfectly kissable neck, and just like a car travelling 100 mph, I was hit with a memory of that back kicking a football into a goal. That back walking out into the corridor of the sports hall to investigate the phantom noise from outside. My hands travelling across the bumps and ridges of that back as he held me in his arms and danced with me, his stellar erection nudging my thigh.

  ‘Hold on, guys, we need to make sure we match everyone with the right grown-ups.’ The man in the doorway finally turned. I gasped when it was finally confirmed that it was Josh who was holding the door open for tiny little people to leave school at the end of the day. I held my hand to my chest and tried to grab some fresh air. A sharp intake of breath didn’t help. ‘Right, OK, Darcy, that’s your mummy; nice to meet you, Mummy. I’m Mr Wood. Sunny, that’s your gran, is it? OK, hello, Sunny’s gran; see you tomorrow. Who has left their book bag? I can see one on the table. Go and get it, Evie. Great job. See you tomorrow. Theo, where’s your mummy?’ Oh no, my little boy was standing with Josh’s big hand on his tiny shoulder. I waved back, unable to stop the smile directed at my gorgeous boy. Josh followed Theo’s outstretched arm to where he was pointing at me and smiling. Josh watched me with a look of surprise and a flash of what the fuck? I would hazard a guess that my face looked exactly the same. ‘That’s your mummy, Theo?’

  ‘My mummy and my brother, Brandon. He likes learning about space too.’

  ‘That’s fantastic. Show him your drawing. You did such a great job. See you tomorrow.’ Josh leant against the door, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks before pushing up his sleeves to his elbows and pulling his waistcoat down with fidgety hands. He was being bumped by lots of little shoulders desperate to get to their favourite person waiting for them at the end of a long day. He smiled shyly and held up his hand in an embarrassed wave. I narrowed my eyes and looked away. If he thinks that all he has to do is smile and give me half-arsed wave, he’s got another thing coming. ‘Hold on, guys; one sec.’

  I felt tiny arms around my waist. ‘Mummy, I did this for you.’ Theo squashed a piece of paper against my tummy with a drawing of an astronaut and I love Mummy floating above his head. ‘We’re learning about space; it’s so cool! Mr Wood is our new teacher.’

  ‘I’ve seen him. Is he nice?’ I asked as I avoided Josh’s fleeting gaze.

  ‘Yeah, I think he’s cool. He seems really nice.’

  ‘I thought so too.’

  I tried to make my way through the crowds and away from Josh and his sexy forearms. Jesus, what was wrong with me? The guy had started to sew the gaping hole of my heart together before whipping out the thread, and I was still admiring his forearms.

  I found a clear space between a pushchair and a slow walking toddler and went for it. ‘Mummy, I can’t walk that fast,’ Brandon said as I pulled him up the hill by his arm and through the school gates. Theo was sprinting behind me. When we got home, I handed them both tablets that Jay had bought them in the hope they would forgive him for not being able to take them away for the weekend. They searched the internet for videos of precocious kids unboxing toys; that shit could keep them amused for hours. I sat at the kitchen table and tried to stop a full-blown nervous breakdown from taking hold. I nervously tapped my nails against my teeth and tried to think up different scenarios of how I could get out of dropping off and picking up my children from school every day. Maybe I could organise a rota; Grandma one day, Jay another. Abi and Elle would help. Oh, fuck it. Now I needed to make some form of contact to get them back on side again. Nope. Not going to happen. Perhaps I could arrange a pick up at the end of the road situation. Fuck.

  ‘Is fuck a naughty word?’ Brandon asked, clutching my leg. I must have said that out loud in the middle of my shitstorm stupor.

  ‘Yes. We don’t say that word, do we?’

  ‘You do.’

  ‘I’m naughty,’ I smiled.

  ‘I’m not naughty.’

  ‘No, baby, you’re not naughty.’ I picked him up and squeezed him. He laughed and threw his head back, encouraging me to tickle his tummy. ‘No more!’ I smiled at his giggles. ‘I need to ring Aunty Abi and Aunty Elle, OK; then I’ll make tea.’ I put him down on the floor and he ran off into the living room. I grabbed my bag and rummaged around until I found my phone. Twelve missed calls and twenty-seven text messages all sent from Abi, Elle and Kate. The news of the temporary glitch in our friendship had obviously travelled—to Asia to be exact. I found the number I needed and took a few deep breaths.

  These girls were like family, and despite my disappointment, I needed them more than a lottery win.

  ‘Elle. I know. Don’t be silly. I just needed some time. I’m sorry too. I know you love me. Listen. I need you. Bring Abi. Bring cake. Bring sound advice. You’re never going to guess what’s happened. Josh is Theo’s new teacher. Yes, really. OK. See you soon. Love you.’

  Chapter 14

  Gem

  ‘Jamie said we must have some kind of interconnected energy, because when we aren’t talking to each other, we are miserable as fucking sin,’ Abi said as she handed me a cup of tea.

  ‘We’re not going to have another discussion about menstrual synchrony, are we?’ I asked. ‘Anything but that.’

  ‘I think it’s amazing that we’re all aligned,’ Elle replied.

  ‘Fuck me, is there anything we don’t know about each other?’ Abi laughed before I threw a cushion at her. ‘What? Too soon to joke?’

  ‘Too bloody soon,’ I said, rolling my eyes. Elle squeezed my hand and sighed heavily. They had come over as soon as they were able to leave work and were armed with fish and chips and chocolate cake. The boys had never been so happy to see them. We set them up in the kitchen with a film and enough tomato sauce to see them bouncing off the walls until bedtime so that we could talk in the living room where little ears would not be able to hear us.

  I told Elle that I didn’t need to know the details. The ship where I felt angry and upset about Jay’s inability to remain faithful had long since set sail. I knew Elle. I trusted her with my life, my boys, my everything. There was no reason to doubt her story. It didn’t even enter my head. The real issue for me was the fact that they had kept this a secret even after Jay had left. But we all had secrets. Some secrets were kept for the good of others, and some were kept because the truth had the ability to sting. Embarrassment. Regret. Denial. Human behaviour at its finest that could be easily folded away in a lie.

  ‘Do you want me to take the boys to school in the morning?’ Elle asked as we started to clear away the mess in the kitchen.

  ‘Yeah. And for the rest of the year. Is that OK?’ I smiled as Elle shook h
er head.

  ‘I didn’t think you were a coward, Gem Brown.’

  ‘I’m no coward. I just need time to calm myself down because if I said everything to him that I wanted to, I would have been escorted from the school grounds for using inappropriate language in front of minors.’

  ‘I can collect them tomorrow but do not expect me to have the same restraint,’ Abi said. ‘I’m leaning towards branding him a fucknugget.’

  We bathed and put the kids to bed. It was great to share that time with Elle and Abi when normally the bedtime routine was my responsibility. Abi left for the night and Elle agreed to stay so that it would be easier for her to take the boys to school in the morning.

  Ten minutes after saying goodnight, I felt the cover pull back and Elle get into my bed. ‘I’ll never sleep on your sofa,’ she whispered. ‘Too lumpy. I want to keep the feeling in my spine, thanks.’

  ‘You just want an excuse to get into my bed. You can’t bear to be without me. Maybe even cop a feel,’ I replied sleepily.

  ‘Me, cop a feel? It’s more likely you. How long has it been since you shared a bed with someone other than your children?’ she laughed.

  ‘Don’t go there.’

  Elle propped herself up on her elbow. ‘What? You haven’t. You would have told me.’

  ‘We’ve all got secrets, but some of us are better at keeping them than others.’

  ‘We all know Abi is shit at keeping secrets,’ she sighed.

  ‘I agree,’ I replied. ‘But Kate is amazing at it…’

  She sat up. ‘What does Kate know that you haven’t told me?’

  I sighed and rolled onto my back, using the ceiling as space I could focus on as I let the truth out and tried to contain the double standard that had made me feel sick for the last twenty-four hours. ‘You asked me how long it had been since I last shared a bed. Well…it’s been about three years.’

  ‘Who was it?’ Elle gasped.