Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  I snorted because the thought of Jay encouraging me to go out with the girls was laughable. ‘Jay didn’t encourage me to do anything, especially go out with the girls. He liked Elle because she was the sensible one, but he thought Abi was a bad influence. He was absolutely right.’

  ‘When was the last time you went out and really let your hair down?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ I said as I tried to remember. ‘I haven’t been to a club in months. We did go out for a meal before Kate left but it was all very civilised.’

  Josh stopped and came behind me. ‘We’re almost there but I want to keep it a surprise for a bit longer.’ He put his hands over my eyes. ‘Do you trust me?’ I nodded and put my hands over his, enjoying touching him, his skin against mine. Leaning against my ear, he whispered, ‘Walk with me.’ Another few paces and we stopped again. ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Oh my God, yes! Enough. Put me out of my misery!’ My hands left his and shortly after, he removed them from my eyes and stood back. I opened them slowly and found myself standing in front of a glass building with a large outline of a cat on each window. I looked up to see the words Cat Café above the door. ‘What is this?’ I gasped, covering my hands with my mouth and stumbling back to get a better look.

  ‘I came to use the library last week to get some picture books on space to use in class and I walked by here,’ he said, holding out his hand towards the window. ‘You told me you loved cats; you talked about your grandma and the tattoo she could only appreciate for two months. You had so many memories. But despite all of those memories, you don’t have your own cat. Something to do with imaginary allergies.’

  ‘You remembered all that?’ I gasped.

  ‘Honestly, I thought to myself, She’s had some shit to deal with, but not being able to have your own cat, that’s a fucking travesty.’ I snorted out a laugh and he came closer, taking my hands away from my mouth. ‘You’re cute when you snort.’

  ‘I can’t believe this. This is the best…the most thoughtful…Oh my God, cats!’ I was derailed when I spotted a gorgeous black and white cat in the window wandering around the scratch posts and fleecy baskets. A gorgeous ginger lion of a cat sniffed the tips of my fingers through the glass. ‘This is amazing. Thank you.’

  ‘What can I say? I love pus—’

  ‘Oh no, really? Don’t go there with the easy jokes. So beneath you,’ I smirked.

  ‘I know; that was a cheap joke. Absolutely terrible,’ he replied.

  ‘Awful.’ I couldn’t stop myself. ‘Come on, Josh. Let’s go stroke some pussy.’

  Chapter 24

  Josh

  Anyone would think I’d won £250,000 on the lottery and handed it over to her with no questions asked.

  She was currently sitting on the floor, legs outstretched in a ‘V’ shape, a ginger cat on her lap enjoying a head scruff from her tiny hands, a huge fuck of a black cat sniffing her toes and a tabby sitting next to her licking its paws looking totally indifferent to the situation. But Gem, she was another story. No indifference. Not a trace. Her smile was huge, her laugh was infectious and even the owner of the café had taken a picture of her state of pure happiness to use on their website.

  She was deliriously happy and adorably glorious.

  ‘I’m going to have to tear you away,’ I smiled as she petted the ginger cat that had taken a shine to her.

  I fully understand, ginger. She’s easy to like.

  ‘I don’t need hot chocolate or cake. I’d happily pay to just come and sit here all day.’

  ‘Come and sit with me. I need stroking too,’ I replied. Her head shot up and her mouth opened slightly, like she was about to say something but then thought better of it. What the hell? Why was I being creepy? Shit. ‘That sounded so much worse than I meant it to.’ Her eyes widened and I tried to evaluate what that meant. ‘I mean, I would love for you to stroke me, but I was just trying to be funny and it came out all types of wrong, and now I’m babbling when I should just shut up.’

  ‘Why are you nervous?’ she asked, smiling as she got off the floor and came and sat down at the table. The ginger cat followed her and sat at her feet.

  ‘I’m not nervous.’

  ‘OK. Why are you being weird?’

  I pushed the cup of hot chocolate towards her and looked at the floor. She nudged her knee into mine and bit her lip. I watched her smile try to tug away from her teeth and that gave me the confidence to say what I had wanted to say for so long. ‘I’m sorry I made assumptions and didn’t clarify the situation with your ex. I feel like we’ve lost time. Important time.’ She cut her chocolate muffin into four pieces, dedicating her time to the task. Total avoidance tactic. ‘There’s something about you. You’re too incredible to walk away from.’

  ‘Yet you did,’ she replied, finally giving me eye contact.

  I shook my head. ‘A misunderstanding. That’s all. A crap misunderstanding.’

  ‘I’m used to people walking away,’ she shrugged. ‘With you, I thought that would change.’

  Her words shattered me. Fuck, I was on her list of men that had fucked her over. Maybe I was written in pencil rather than a permanent marker, but I was there nonetheless. ‘I believe in fate. I knew it wouldn’t be the end for us. It was a…blip,’ I said, being completely truthful, knowing that is what she needed more than anything.

  ‘Hindsight is a wonderful thing.’

  ‘Let me put it this way, Gem. I hoped it wouldn’t be the end.’ She sighed heavily and looked out of the window. I would have given anything to know what was going through her head.

  ‘I have to be certain about something before I go into it,’ she said with a sigh. A sigh that weighed heavy; I could tell. ‘I thought we were worth a chance, to see where we would go.’

  ‘You can trust me,’ I replied. ‘I want to make you happy. I don’t think you’ve been happy for a long time.’

  ‘I’m happy. My kids give me something to smile about every day,’ she replied, her mummy defences kicking in with full force. ‘But sometimes I want more.’

  I took her hand and she gasped. ‘I know your kids are your number one priority. I can tell you’ve been living for them since the day you first held them in your arms, but you deserve to have it all.’

  ‘It’s been a long time since I put myself first,’ she whispered, like she didn’t want anyone to hear her acknowledge this. I frowned when I realised that she’d forgotten what it was like to only have to think of herself. ‘It’s been even longer since someone put me first. It’s slightly overwhelming. I don’t know how I should react, what I should say, what’s the right way to do this.’

  ‘Enjoy it. That’s all I’m asking. Nothing more.’

  ‘You probably think I’m a nutcase,’ she said, laughing as she picked apart her muffin until it was scattered across the table.

  ‘I’d never think that.’

  ‘Good,’ she said, brushing the crumbs to the floor in a not very subtle rule breaking don’t feed the cats moment. ‘I don’t want to scare you away.’

  ‘I’m glad,’ I replied as our fingers found themselves together and the small light touch was now a big heavy grasp. We held them together, hers warm and tiny against my skin and mine shaking slightly. I loved her tiny hands, and I especially loved the way those tiny hands fitted into mine.

  ‘You’ve been hurt. I know that. We can go slowly; whatever you need. I’m not here to take advantage of you or the kids. It would kill me to hurt you or them.’ I needed her to know that. I needed her to know that the only reason I walked away was because of a misunderstanding. No matter where we were at this moment, I needed her to know that she could trust me. ‘I know what it’s like to be hurt, to think your life is going in one direction but then suddenly it takes three steps backwards. I’m not saying that my engagement was anywhere near what you went through, but I have some understanding.’ She nodded and stroked her thumb across the top of my hand, indicating she knew what I was trying to say, even if I was
n’t getting across as eloquently as I had planned.

  ‘My friend’s boyfriend, Kate’s Danny, told me to take another chance on you because you’re the master at planning dates,’ she said, trying to bring us back to free and easy after wading into heavy and serious.

  ‘I’m not sure how I’m going to top this one, even more so now I know there’s performance pressure.’ She picked up a piece of cake, leant back in her chair and relaxed into it as she took a bite. ‘I want to know more, more of you. Everything. Tell me something you’ve always wanted to do. Something that’s been on your bucket list for years.’

  ‘I’d love to take a three-hour nap,’ she smiled. ‘Ever since Brandon arrived, that’s been top of my bucket list.’

  ‘I’m talking amazing things here, not bloody naps.’

  ‘I can’t think of any,’ she laughed. ‘I just want normal things, things I could never do when I was married, or things I can’t do as often as I would like, such as taking naps, joining the gym but only using the Jacuzzi, having my nails done, going out with the girls—’

  ‘I can’t get my head around why he didn’t like you going out with the girls,’ I interrupted.

  ‘He worked late, which didn’t really help because there was just me at home. On the rare occasions I did go out, he didn’t like it, thought it showed that I didn’t like our lifestyle, that I was bored. I knew really that it was because he didn’t trust Abi. We always ended up in delicate states the next morning.’

  ‘Abi looks like the type of friend who would be a bad influence.’

  ‘Abi is a force to be reckoned with, but she’s an amazing friend.’

  ‘I can see that.’ We sat in silence again. Gem’s smile was there but she started fiddling with a teaspoon like the nerves were returning. ‘There must be something else you want to tick off your bucket list. Give me a crumb to work with here,’ I laughed. She took a deep breath. I was beginning to realise that talking about herself was not something she did often.

  ‘I’ve always wanted to take the boys camping. In a tent, on the floor, baked beans for breakfast. The lot. Jay hated the thought of it. He needed hotels and room service. Yeah, I’d love to take them; they’d love it,’ she replied, drifting off into a camping dream sequence.

  ‘You, Gem,’ I said leaning forward and holding her hands tighter. ‘Something for you.’

  ‘You’ll think it’s stupid,’ she said, pulling a face and laughing.

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘I’ve always wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride. I used to be fascinated as a kid. There was a field down the road from my grandma’s house. I’d lie down in the grass, my arms above my head, squinting into the sun. There was one like a ladybird that was my favourite and another that was all the colours of the rainbow. I’d always wave at them even though they couldn’t see me. I’d daydream about flying away.’

  ‘I’ll just make a note of this…’ I joked, pulling my phone from my pocket and pretending to type. I didn’t need to. I remembered everything she said to me.

  Everything.

  ‘I needed this,’ she said out of nowhere. ‘I need to laugh. Take time away from my boys once in a while. It’s feeding something in me, Josh. Thank you.’ She leant down and stroked the ginger cat that hadn’t left her side. A smile developed, wide and deep, and the soft sigh she took was like music to me. She needed this. She fucking deserved it. And the best thing was that I could give it to her. Now the deep smile that had settled across her face was mirrored on mine. Ideas of how I could keep that smile, help her find herself again, were crashing around my head. ‘When I met Elle, we were just discovering ourselves, pretending to be grown-ups. We used to get the tram to Nottingham and window shop. We’d save our pocket money, buy makeup and get our lunch from a café down the road. We would eat it in the grounds of Nottingham castle. A makeshift picnic almost as good as ours. God, I would love to do that, pretend I was fifteen again with no responsibilities,’ she said, squashing the back of her hand to her mouth as she contained a smile.

  ‘Let’s do it. We’ll order more cake and have our own picnic at the castle,’ I said.

  She stood up, clasping her hands together with a look so joyful I was caught off guard. ‘I was eyeing up the chocolate cake. It looks like it would stick to the roof of your mouth. Perfect gooeyness.’

  ‘Stay here and let me sort everything out.’ I left her crouching down, patting the cats, scratching behind their ears. I smiled when I came back to find her surrounded with feline friends after putting another plan into action. The ginger cat was on her knee and two others were nudging their heads against her legs, desperate for her touch.

  ‘Where’s the cake?’ she asked, finally looking up from her cat-filled heaven. I stepped to the side as I heard voices behind me.

  ‘Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Gem! Happy birthday to you!’ The waiter handed her a box with happy birthday written on it and a drawing of a cat in black Sharpie. She covered her face with her hands, but I could see her laughter behind them. ‘Two pieces of chocolate cake to go,’ the waiter said. ‘Have a wonderful birthday!’

  ‘Thank you,’ she laughed as they left us alone. She politely indulged the other people in the café who wished her a wonderful day but flashed me a look that made me fear for the safety of my balls. When it was followed by deep laughter and an embarrassed lip bite, I knew she was secretly enjoying the attention. ‘What are you doing? Again?’ she laughed, hiding her smile behind her hand and whispering, ‘My birthday isn’t until August.’

  ‘They make it special if you tell them it’s your birthday, and you deserve special.’

  ‘You’re lovely, you know that?’ She smiled brightly and couldn’t contain her laughter, no matter how hard she tried.

  And I was left thinking that it was Gem Brown who was the lovely one.

  ‘Oh no!’ she said, dramatically rattling on the chains of the gates to Nottingham castle that were now locked.

  ‘Closed at 5 pm. Come on; I’ve got an idea.’ I took her hand and walked around the corner, down the old cobbled street and towards the statue of Robin Hood just outside the grounds. ‘Not quite the same but you can get a feel for it.’ I took off my jacket and laid it on a patchy area of grass under a tree. She sat down, pulling me with her.

  ‘If I’m trying to remember my fifteen-year-old self, I need to be eating cake and laughing about my latest crush,’ she said. I smiled as I set out the box, pushing back the lid to reveal the chocolate glaze. Gem moaned as she looked in and covered her mouth in an embarrassed laugh. I was frozen to the spot, watching her, figuring out how this woman stirred so much good inside of me and completely unsure of how to hide my erection that had sprung to life the second her moan passed her lips. I looked down, talked to it for a second, bargained with it that one day the same wonderful moan Gem made would be from the result of said erection, but that didn’t help matters at all, so I went for the legs crossed and arms across groin hiding technique.

  ‘I can supply the cake,’ I said as I handed her a plastic fork. ‘But you need to reminisce about your crush.’

  ‘His name’s Josh and he’s scaring me because I’m feeling things for him that I don’t think I’ve ever felt.’ I looked towards her, ready to burst into a chorus of fuck yes! But she looked so cautious I was afraid she was going to run. So there we sat, smiling, tentative and completely unsure of what to say or do next.

  But she met my stare and we smiled together.

  Her hand held mine and squeezed it reassuringly.

  I slid my other hand across the bend of her knee and rested it on her thigh, leaning into her. She pinched her eyes shut and placed her hand over the one dangerously close to a place I wanted to reach so desperately. Her breath hitched as she laced our fingers together and, lifting our joined hands, she rested them against the side of her face. Instinctively, I reached for her cheek, let my handle settle there, find its place and dropped my forehead to hers.

&nbs
p; ‘Don’t be scared,’ I said, holding her in place and trying desperately not to do anything that would push her too far. ‘I don’t want to hurt you. I want to look after you. I want to care for you. Let me.’ She nodded, and that was all I needed to set off my desire to kiss her. She felt it too because our lips crashed, our hands pulling each other together. We needed to be closer, every part touching. She held onto my shoulder and traced her hand up against my neck and into my hair. Her hands; her fucking hands. The kiss deepened in size and strength and nothing else mattered, just us. For a while, we let that take over, guiding us and holding us until I lost her again. She pulled away and immediately I saw a million thoughts circle her head. ‘Don’t overthink it,’ I said, pulling her back to me. She didn’t resist but I knew she was battling with something.

  ‘We’re being watched,’ she replied, pointing behind me. Fuck, that’s what had stopped her. When I turned, expecting to see a group of teenagers about to stop wolf whistling or an elderly couple looking on in disgust, I was met with the statue of Robin Hood staring back at me before hearing Gem’s quiet laughter. I spoke against her neck, my voice deep but quiet. ‘I’m sure Robin won’t mind. It’s nothing that he hasn’t thought about doing with Maid Marion.’

  ‘Oh, they’ve done so much more than that,’ she replied, her hand buried in my hair. ‘Behind those corsets, Maid Marion is a proper goer.’

  ‘Lucky Robin.’

  ‘It must be the tights,’ she laughed. She was twisting my hair between her fingers and I was still clinging to her. Together we were catching our breath and trying to contain something that had the potential to be bigger than both of us. I traced my finger along her cheek and tilted her head until she offered her mouth to me, full and parted, ready to take me on. The kiss that I thought was magical ramped up to something more. ‘It feels good to kiss you,’ she said, tracing her hand across my shoulder.