Let Me Be Your Last (Music and Letters Series Book 4)

by Lynsey M. Stewart

  ‘Sometimes we need…direction. I’m sure we would all appreciate that,’ Lydia remarked as she stared at me and dramatically licked her lips. Oh fuck. I needed to watch her. Not only was she pissing me off with her judgments about Gem’s parenting, she was now on the prowl and I appeared to be her next victim. I started sizing up how easy it would be to accidentally tip a tin of paint down her back just to get her out of the hall, but she was called to reception, so I took my chance.

  ‘When can I see you?’ I whispered to Gem as I kept my eyes on Lydia, ensuring that she wasn’t coming back to be let in on gossip that would take her approximately 0.5 seconds to spread across the playground.

  ‘I don’t know. Probably not this week. I could ask Jay’s mum to babysit next Saturday.’

  I let out a pained breath as she closed her eyes in acknowledgement. It wasn’t enough. I needed her. I missed her. But before I had a chance to reply, Lydia was back, hovering over my shoulder.

  ‘How are the preparations for the cake stall going?’ she asked Gem.

  ‘Oh…erm…fine. I designed the posters,’ Gem murmured as she kept her head down.

  ‘Great, but if it’s too much for you, I’m happy to juggle it with everything else this afternoon. I know your life is hectic.’ She gave me a pitiful smile. ‘She’s a single mum to two lively boys.’

  ‘My boys are fine. I’ve spoken to some of the other parents and they’re bringing in cakes.’

  ‘Don’t overstretch yourself,’ Lydia said.

  ‘I won’t. Thank you for your concern,’ Gem said flatly as she stood up and walked out of the hall. I pretended not to be affected by the fact that I knew she was pissed.

  ‘Do you know Gemma well?’ I asked.

  Because you don’t really know her at all.

  ‘Our husbands are friends.’

  ‘Ex-husband,’ I muttered.

  ‘Yes,’ she replied, watching me carefully. ‘Her ex-husband and my husband are friends. Why do you ask?’ She was putting on her prim voice now. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. It was like she was hatching a plan in front of my eyes but I had no idea why.

  ‘You just seem to know a lot about her,’ I replied. ‘Maybe not always accurate information.’

  ‘I’m sorry but I’m not sure I follow,’ she said, watching me with narrowed eyes.

  ‘Excuse me, Lydia; I really must quickly check in on my class.’

  I needed to find her. I could tell she was simmering and ready to blow at any second. I was working with an unexplainable need to hold her and help calm her down. I found her clutching a glass of water in the staff room.

  ‘She’s hit a nerve, hasn’t she?’ I said as I stood behind her.

  ‘No. Yes. Not really,’ she sighed. ‘I just don’t like the way she is fascinated with me being a single parent and takes pleasure in reminding me of what she would see as failings. I’m sure everything I say and do gets passed on to Jay. I find myself counting to ten whenever she’s around because she makes my skin itch.’

  ‘You don’t need to count to ten.’ I took her hand and we lightly caressed our fingers. ‘You’re wasting numbers,’ I said, smiling. ‘Count to three. That’s all you need.’

  I leant into her neck.

  ‘One.’

  I pressed my hand against her hip.

  ‘Two.’

  I whispered against her ear.

  ‘Three.’

  ‘Only three?’ she asked softly.

  ‘Only three. You, Theo and Brandon. That’s all you need. You and your boys. If you think about them as you’re counting, you’ll start to calm down.’

  ‘One, two, three,’ she repeated slowly, a small smile sweeping across her mouth as she closed her eyes. A knock on the door forced her to open them.

  ‘Mr Wood, could you take a look at what I’ve done.’

  Lydia appeared at the staff room door. I stepped backwards, away from Gem. I heard her breath catch and watched her as she left. I wanted to shout out to her, remind her I was protecting her, protecting us, needing to know she understood, but I couldn’t because Lydia was trailing behind me as I followed Gem back into the hall. She sat down and continued to paint, unable to give me eye contact or anything that I desperately needed. Until her smile unfolded, a wink following closely after.

  Lydia circled around her like a lion. ‘You know, it would have been lovely to have encouraged parents to bring homemade cakes for the cake stall. There are quite a few shop-bought cakes, Gemma, and I noticed you haven’t baked either. Maybe you should have set a good example and made your own. You could have involved your children. It could have been a lovely cheap activity for you all one afternoon.’

  I could feel my anger rising, full protection mood. Anger fuelled voices were being flung to the front of my brain until a small touch, just on my finger, reeled me back in, making me remember where I was and how I should behave. ‘Cake is cake, Lydia,’ I said through gritted teeth.

  ‘Lydia, have you considered ringing Theo and Brandon’s father to ask him to make a cake for the Easter fair?’

  That’s my girl.

  ‘Erm…no. I didn’t mean anything by it, Gemma,’ Lydia replied, fiddling with a paintbrush.

  ‘Yes, you did, Lydia. I don’t need to prove myself as a mother by home baking bloody fairy cakes,’ Gem replied before her fuse was lit. Something changed; maybe it was years of pent-up anger and frustration at being judged so quickly, but now she had come to the end of the line. ‘I have two boys who are fantastic, thank you very much. Walking adverts for my parenting skills. Well rounded with more brains in their little fingers than I have in my head and bigger dreams than I could ever hope to achieve. Kind. Respectful. Funny. Sane. Thank God they’re sane! All because of me,’ she said, pointing to herself. ‘I’m raising boys that are going to treat women with respect and will love them with abandon. And that has nothing to do with homemade bloody fairy cakes.’ Gem stood up, putting her paintbrush down and wiping her hands across her forehead, leaving another stripe of paint on her skin. I wanted to give her a round of applause, kiss her, and tell her that she was amazing, but she was off, striding towards the hall doors with the force of a hurricane. She stopped before she reached them. Something had brought her back. I watched her straighten her back and shoulders and smiled as she took a deep breath, closed her eyes and mouthed, ‘One, two, three.’

  I knew then that had I needed any more evidence that I could easily fall in love with this wonderful woman, I’d just found it.

  Chapter 30

  Gem

  A week had passed since the Easter fair. Theo and Brandon were off school for their two-week holiday and Jay’s mum suggested she took them to the coast for the day. Josh was staying with his parents over Easter, but knowing that I had some free time without the boys, he promised to come back to Nottingham so that we could spend the day together.

  I was waiting.

  I was pacing.

  I smiled as I saw his car pull up outside the house. Yep. Outside. No reason to have him waiting at the end of the road anymore like my dirty little secret. This handsome man was walking up my path, to my door, holding a bunch of tulips meant only for me. Sigh.

  My eyes tried to take all of him in. I’d missed him more than ever and I wasn’t sure why. We hadn’t spent more time than normal together. The ache that had always been there when I left him, not knowing when I would see him again, was still a live current threatening to shock me at any time. But this time was different.

  White trainers were on his feet, a navy jacket graced his shoulders, and a white T-shirt stretched perfectly across his chest. ‘Hi,’ he said wistfully as he held out the flowers. I took them but immediately dropped them to the floor as his hands made their way around my waist. ‘You look so good. Why do you do this to me?’ he said, resting his forehead on mine. ‘Torture. Fucking torture.’

  ‘Not torture. Not at all,’ I said.

  ‘Let me in. Let me do all the things I’ve been driving myself crazy wi
th,’ he said, moving his hands round, down, slowly down, before resting them on my behind. A squeeze caught me off guard but, Christ, I wanted more.

  ‘Good morning, Gem. How are you today?’ I pulled back from Josh and watched as Gladys, a neighbour from a few doors down and friend of Jay’s mum’s, suddenly found a reason to start pulling the weeds up in her garden. ‘I’m sure the boys will have a lovely day with their grandmother today.’

  Fuck my life.

  ‘They’ll love it. You can’t get them off the beach once they’re there.’

  ‘Yes, I’m sure Jay’s mother will be in her element.’ She looked Josh up and down and smiled expectantly, nodding her head to encourage me to speak. When I didn’t, she huffed out a breath. ‘And who is your friend, dear? Aren’t you going to introduce us?’

  I felt a tug on my hand. ‘Oh my goodness, is that the time?’ Josh looked at his watch and took the key out of my hand, locking the front door. ‘We must go, sorry. We have plans and I don’t want to be late. Nice to meet you.’ He pulled me down the path to his car and we both broke into laughter once we were safely in the car and away from Gladys. ‘I’m going out on a limb here to say she’s either obsessed with your ex-mother-in-law, or she has a nose to sniff out gossip. That woman appeared at the door before I had even put the handbrake on.’

  ‘They’re friends. She’s probably on the phone to Joyce right now.’ If Gladys were sprightlier on her feet, she would have run to the coast to pass on this gossip.

  ‘How do you feel about that?’ he asked, studying me, hoping I’d say something good.

  I considered his question for a few seconds, really considered it. How did I feel? Concerned that we hadn’t defined what we were? Worried that Gladys would be typing out a text with speedy fingers, telling Joyce that I had a man squeezing my arse on the doorstep? Or happy that we were on the cusp of being discovered?

  ‘Gem.’ I glanced at him, a shock passing through me like it always did when I was reminded of how handsome he was. ‘How do you feel?’

  I closed my eyes and bit the corner of my mouth to suppress my smile. ‘Happy,’ I said, lacing our fingers together. ‘I feel happy.’

  ‘Where are you taking me?’ I asked as we passed Nottingham racecourse and pulled up to Colwick Country Park. It was late afternoon and I couldn’t imagine what we were doing so far out of the city.

  ‘You’ll see.’

  He took my hand and we walked towards a group of people who appeared to be waiting for us. We followed them and I quickly realised what he had planned. In the middle of a field with the sun as a backdrop was a hot air balloon basket with a huge red balloon laid out across the grass.

  I stopped, tried to take a breath but failed miserably. I gasped, grasping for Josh’s arm but missing several times. Josh looked shocked, like he would have to perform CPR at any minute. I crouched to the floor and wrapped my arms around my knees.

  ‘Gem, can I get you anything?’ Josh asked, a slight high pitch to his voice like he was re-evaluating why he had brought me here. ‘You’re starting to freak me out a little bit, not going to lie.’ This encouraged laughter, a full, undignified bark as I released my head from my knees. ‘Hey there,’ he said, smiling. ‘Can you tell me what’s going on? Provide me with some reassurance that I haven’t fucked up our date? You really should have told me if you had an irrational fear of baskets or an issue with fire being so close to your head.’

  I let out a quieter laugh and took his hand. ‘You remembered,’ was all I managed to get out.

  ‘Of course I did. I remember everything.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’ve been planning this in my head for weeks. When you said Jay’s mum was taking them out for the day, it gave me the opportunity to finally book it. I’m an atheist, but I’ve prayed for good weather since Sunday.’ I held my hand against his neck, pulling him towards me, smiling as everything felt right. Our mouths met and our bodies pressed together like we were meant to be, like magnets, energy, promises for the future and fresh perspectives. We broke away to watch the red fabric puff up into the air getting bigger and bigger. The sun shone through the fabric with a hazy glow. I had Josh in my arms, another tick off my bucket list, and a feeling that I was ready to face whatever would come for us next.

  ‘Are you ready?’ he asked, steering me towards the hot air balloon.

  ‘Ready.’

  Chapter 31

  Josh

  I enjoyed the balloon ride more than I thought I would. Mainly because Gem was gripping on to me for most of the journey, like if she moved her arm away from me, she’d fall over the side and crash to her death. All her anxious ticks came out to play, the lip bite, the nervous giggle. And for the first fifteen minutes, she held her hands over her face so she couldn’t see the ground disappearing from view. She got braver, even looking over the side to pick out Nottingham landmarks, and soon she was snapping pictures on her phone with a contented smile on her face.

  The landing was an experience I’d never forget, particularly as she pulled me to the bottom of the basket and sat on my lap. Fuck, that was better than the journey. I laughed as she repeated oh fucking fuck while she buried her head into me when we finally came back to solid ground.

  After we helped pack the balloon away, one of the stewards handed Gem a picnic basket. ‘We hope you’ve had a wonderful experience,’ he said. ‘We’ve prepared a special picnic just for your special day. You’ll find champagne and chocolates. Anything else you need, just ask. Happy birthday.’ Gem giggled as she grabbed my hand, squeezing it, essentially saying thank you. She had learnt to stop protesting about her pretend birthdays and accepted the good wishes with blushes and a wide smile.

  We spread the tartan blanket on the ground and started unpacking the food. Gem licked her fingers after eating a chocolate and my mind drifted to an image of her hand caressing her breast, her tongue running lazily across her bottom lip. ‘We’ve never really talked about the shower,’ I said, feeling brave because I had a bowl of strawberries and cream in one hand, champagne in the other and an almost confession of what was happening between us whipping around my brain.

  ‘We’ve never been able to unless you wanted me to say something in front of Lydia,’ she said, smiling. I brushed strawberry juice from the corner of her mouth with my finger and, goddamn it, I wanted to lick it.

  ‘Ah, lovely Lydia. Isn’t she a treat?’

  ‘I’m sorry about blowing off like that. I snapped. I used your count to three technique, which was very successful. I’ve been using it ever since,’ she replied, smiling.

  ‘I saw. I see a lot. I watch you,’ I said. ‘All the time.’

  ‘I know.’

  There was something shifting between us. I no longer felt like she was constantly pulling me towards her but then pushing me away in equal measures.

  ‘Going back to the shower.’

  She giggled, which was the best noise. ‘I think about it a lot.’

  ‘Me too. In fact, it’s top of my mental masturbation folder. I don’t need Pornhub. Nope. Not me.’ The laughter died down and I glanced at her. She covered her mouth with her hand but it didn’t hide the blush to her cheeks. ‘I think of you. I think about your hand around my shaft, circling and stroking. I see your face, your hooded eyes. You were enjoying it. You wanted more.’

  She nodded. ‘Your cock is a piece of art.’

  And, bloody hell, a growl left the back of my throat like a filthy animal.

  ‘When can I have you, Gem?’

  ‘Soon I hope,’ she whispered, a shiver running through her.

  ‘Do you think about my cock? Do you think about me?’

  ‘All the time,’ she replied, but that wasn’t the full answer I wanted.

  ‘Do you think about how my cock felt in your hand?’ She looked around and snagged her bottom lip under her teeth as she nodded. ‘Can you feel my finger pressing against your clit, that bundle of nerves I could feel like a marble because you were so fucking tu
rned on?’ Her breath caught in her throat and I didn’t miss her pressing her thighs together. ‘Do you touch yourself there imagining it’s me?’ She snaked her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder through a moan. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Yes. I think of you, but I stop myself because they aren’t your fingers touching me. It isn’t you making me come, and that’s all I fucking want.’

  ‘Come home with me. Let it be my fingers, let it be my mouth, my cock. I want to push inside you, make your orgasm feel like it’s got a fucking pulse.’ I watched as her hand fisted my T-shirt into a ball and small gasps escaped her mouth. She pressed her lips together, and, for a second, she was lost in a haze of desire before taking a breath, rolling her shoulders back and pulling away as her mobile rang.

  She kissed me, closing her eyes and laughing at the interruption.

  ‘Hey, baby, have you had a good day?’ She stood and walked a few paces away, dragging her free hand through her hair to gather herself. ‘That’s fantastic. I can’t wait to hear all about it. I’ll be home soon. I’m with a friend. No, not Aunty Elle. Not Aunty Abi either. We’ll talk later, OK. I’ll be there to read you a bedtime story. I love you. Bye.’

  She turned, pushed her phone back into her pocket and smiled shyly. ‘The kids are home. I should probably get back.’

  ‘No problem,’ I lied. There was soon going to be a big problem.

  A serious case of blue balls.

  I automatically dropped her at the end of her road. I didn’t ask her if that was what she wanted, but at the same time, she didn’t protest. She has been quiet all the way back and spent most of the journey staring out of the window. Thinking. Contemplating.

  ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry,’ she said, breaking the silence as I shut the engine off. ‘I know it must be frustrating for you. We seem to get interrupted whenever we…’ I nodded so that she didn’t have to continue to find the right words. She rested her elbow on the car window. ‘Don’t give up on me.’

  ‘Gem, I wouldn’t do that. You’re too important,’ I replied. ‘Our time will come.’ She scrunched her nose before breaking out into laughter. ‘OK. Poor choice or words, I admit.’