by Kiki Swinson
“How have you been?” She seemed nervous.
“Fine.” I was annoyed by her presence. “What is it you want, Ruthie? I don’t have all day.”
“Oh, you in a hurry. . . .” She stalled. She stared at me as if I were an odd ornament on a Christmas tree. “It’s been a while since you been home. I just wanted to know how you been.” At first, I could not look at her, but the crazy shit that was coming out of her mouth was strange. If my memory served me right, she didn’t want me in her home because, as she put it, I was “lame and trifling.” Or had she forgotten?
“Ruthie, you need to make some sense. You didn’t want me so I left. So what now? What is it you want?” My heart was heavy once again. She had me confused.
“Look, I know things ain’t been the best, but that day at the house you just left without allowing me to finish.”
“Allow you to finish? What else could you possibly have said?” Was she fucking kidding me?
“Trust me, there was more to be said. First off, you could have tried to understand instead of being a brat. Shit was not easy for me, raising you. I struggled to get by with no help from anyone.”
There she was again, blaming me. “Well, Ruthie, it wasn’t my fault. Even though, every day of my life, you made me feel like the mistake I was. So thanks to you, I understand. But my leaving gave you exactly what you had been praying for. Shouldn’t you be somewhere happy? Not here bothering me. I gave you the freedom you wanted.”
This scene was over for me. Nothing she said made any sense to me anymore. And I simply didn’t need the already dramatic scene to get any worse. I walked away.
“That’s right, Yazz. Just walk away. That’s how you’re supposed to handle problems. What? You think you too good to talk to me now?”
I stopped at my car, but could not get inside.
“Yeah, I see you dressed all fancy, in your name-brand clothes, driving nice new cars, and all. Now, you a big shot. Humph.” She was sarcastic on purpose. I hated every word that she spat out.
Throwing my coffee to the ground, I jumped in her face, my fist balled, and it took everything in me not to strike her. The hurt and pain was real. All she wanted to do was mess with my head. Keep me unhappy, as she had already managed to do all my life.
“I have something now that you never gave me, Ruthie,” I screamed. “It’s called happiness, the shit that people get every day for free. I have people who love me, care about me, and want me around. Something that you never did at all. Now, all I need from you is for you to back off. Go back to your house, your man, and your life.” Tears cascaded down my face nonstop. “Just forget about me. After all, that should be easy for you to do.” A few people had piled out of Starbucks and stopped to enjoy the show. Wiping my tears, I walked back toward my car.
“That’s right, blame me, Yazz. Blame your poor mom. But you’ll be back home to me. ’Cause I see you just like these other chicks out here. Running after a drug dealer—yeah, you think I don’t know. But I know all about that Kevon.”
I stopped walking at the mention of Kevon’s name. How did she know about him?
“Don’t be surprised when I say this, but he don’t love you. And when he is done with you, I’ll be on McLaran Street and you are welcome to come home.”
I could not believe her, still hurtful and evil. Nothing I would say to her could make a difference. Jumping in my car, I sped out of the Starbucks parking lot. This would be the last time I patronized this particular one. It was too close to Ruthie’s house. And if I never saw her again, it would be too soon.
“Kevon,” I voice-dialed. All I got were rings and a voice mail. I tried one more time before giving up. He was home so I would just tell him when I got there. Since I was still craving coffee, the Dunkin’ Donuts drive through became a pit stop on my route to the house. The caffeine was needed now more than ever to calm my nerves. The first taste slid down my throat, then shot straight to my brain.
Going in for one more taste, I damn near dropped the whole hot cup into my lap as I pulled up to Kevon’s house. Climbing into an all-white four-door Lexus truck was none other than Misti. Kevon watched her pull off, then walked back into his place. I was shocked and pissed because what I was seeing was unbelievable. This could not be what it seemed because it looked as if my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was leaving his place, where I had left him home alone. My hands were shaking as I shut off my car engine. Storming into the house, I slammed the door shut.
“Kevon,” I screamed his name.
“What, babe?” He stuck his head out of the kitchen like it was a normal day.
“What the hell was Misti just doing here?” I was not calm. “Was she in this damn house?” That was a stupid question. I had seen him walking her out with my own two eyes.
“Babe, calm down.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down,” I yelled. “Here I am, stressed over Ruthie and her bullshit. Then I come here, where I hope to find comfort, only to find your ex here.” My words were accusing and justified, in my opinion.
“Babe, chill. I promise you, it ain’t what it seems.”
Was that his explanation? I could slap the shit out of him. He would have to do better than that. “What do you mean, it ain’t what it seems? Fuck that. I know what I saw, and that shit ain’t okay.”
“Look, Misti came by here to see me. We hadn’t seen each other since we split. And she had no idea I was in another relationship. But now she knows, and that’s it. Nothing happened when she was here, I promise.” He seemed sincere. “Yazz, I love you, and ain’t nothin’ or nobody changing that. Misti is old news. And you know I would never disrespect you. Soon as we get all this shit straightened out with Caesar, we gon’ get our shit together and concentrate on us.” He wrapped his arms around me.
This may sound stupid, but I believed him and there was no reason for me not to. And his arms around me made me feel safe again. That argument with Ruthie had shaken me up. His embrace was therapeutic. But Ruthie’s words about Kevon not wanting me haunted my mind. It was a must that I shake them.
CHAPTER 16
Days later, I was still trying to shake the Misti situation. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Kevon, but seeing Misti walk away from his house still bothered me a little. The bitch was just starting to pop up everywhere all of a sudden. And even though it had been months, I still remembered seeing her at the mall when Mimi was pregnant like it was yesterday. I guess just knowing their history of being together for so long made me feel insecure. Hopefully, the feeling would pass. But, for now, I just wanted to visit with my girl Mimi and tell her all about it.
After calling her several times without her picking up, I decided just to head over to her house. Lately, she had been keeping her cell ringer off, to keep unexpected calls from waking Alijah. At her house, my knocks went unanswered, so I tried calling her phone again, but still, no answer. Her car was parked outside, but it was possible they were out with Soulja.
Back at the house, I poured myself a much-needed drink. Going hard was a must. Hennessey and coke would be perfect. This would take my mind off Misti and Ruthie. They were the last two people I wanted to invade my mind. The thought of them gave off negative energy and, at this point in my life, positive energy was the key to my happiness. Lately, I had been contemplating really opening up my own clothing store. Location was my main concern. Where would I open it in St. Louis? And what would I call it? One thing was for sure, I would not name it nothing ghetto-affiliated. Walking over to Kevon’s printer, I took two sheets of paper out of the feed tray. I reached for a pen and sat down at the dining room table to brainstorm names. Considering the clothes I would sell really got me to thinking. With twenty names on the paper, nothing, not one, appeared good enough.
Caesar came to mind. I had shared my desire to open up a clothing store with him. That had been a dream of mine for a long time. Kevon had no knowledge of this dream because we never had conversations anymore. Nothing that dealt with me or my interests was
ever discussed. He was always preoccupied with Cash; that was his only concern. But Caesar was different, or at least he made me feel that way. Either way, this store was something I wanted for me, and I would be my motivation for that. A lie was what I would make out of Ruthie. I was not like other chicks. I had goals.
Pulling out my cell phone, I start a game of Candy Crush to clear my mind. I would brainstorm store names another night.
“Yazz,” Kevon called my name. I looked at the time on my phone to confirm it was still early. And Kevon didn’t come home early that often. More than likely, he wouldn’t be staying long.
Laying my phone down, I stood up with a smile, glad to have him for company even if only for a few minutes. “Hey, babe.” I reached out to hug him. But instantly I knew something was wrong. The look Kevon was wearing on his face was that of devastation.
“I just got a call that Mimi was found dead.”
My arms, which had been in midair, dropped like heavy logs to my sides. My vision blurred; my ears felt clogged. I needed him to repeat himself.
“Kevon, what’d you say about Mimi?” I asked for clarification.
“She was . . .” He paused. “She is dead.”
“Wait, are you sure? Let me get my phone and call her. No, I’ll call Sheila first to clear this up.” I rush toward the table for my cell phone. Picking up the phone, my hand was shaking so bad I could barely hold it steady.
“Babe, come here. She’s gone.” Kevon walked up behind me as I dialed Sheila’s number on the phone, ignoring him.
Sheila’s phone rang five times before her boyfriend picked up. But there was no need to ask because the screams that were coming from Sheila in the background confirmed it. Devastated, I let the cell phone in my hand plunge to the floor. My body went after it, but Kevon caught me before I hit the floor. Bile rose to the top of my stomach and spilled all over him. I was sick with grief. This had to be some type of terrible dream, a nightmare from which I would give anything to wake up. How and why was this happening? The scream from deep within my soul asked that question. But there was no answer.
CHAPTER 17
A month later, and still there were no answers as to why Mimi had been murdered. There was no motive beside some possible bullshit robbery. The monster who had pulled the trigger had gone into her home and shot her in broad daylight while Alijah napped. Soulja had come home to find her on the floor in the living room, shot to death. No rhyme or reason. The detectives said it looked like a robbery gone bad. Soulja, who was struggling with it, blamed himself. He figured they were out for him. He had put out a hit on whoever was responsible, but he was so grief-stricken, he’d decided to leave town. His mother lived in California so he went out there to get help with Alijah. Sheila had not wanted him to take Alijah, but she could not afford to care for her so she had no choice. Soulja promised to bring her back to visit occasionally, but said he needed to get his head together.
I just felt lost. I didn’t have a clue as to what to do next, or where to turn. And when Soulja took off with Alijah, it only got worse. I felt helpless. But I understood that he had to do what was best for himself and Alijah.
“Here, this should help you relax a little.” Caesar passed me a cup of hot tea. Lying back on the couch, I was trying to watch The White Queen, this new show on STARZ. Keeping my mind occupied sometimes helped. But talking to Caesar helped a lot as well. He had been here for me the whole time I had been grieving. When I cried, he held me; when I wanted to talk, regardless of what he was out doing, I could call him and he made time for me. The support he was giving me while I went through this was unbelievable. I appreciated it so much. Had it not been for him, I would have been alone.
Kevon, my so-called man, was too busy for what I was going through. When I cried at night, he slept; when I woke up in the morning sad, he had to get going. He behaved as though his whole life depended on bringing down Caesar. My problems with losing my best friend were just that—my problems. I would’ve been upset with him, but Mimi’s death was the only thing on my mind.
“Thanks.” I reached for the cup. The warmth of the cup soothed me. Taking a swallow, I cherished its goodness. “So no word yet, huh?”
“Nah, still waiting. Even with the bounty out, motherfuckers ain’t talkin’.”
“How much is the bounty for?”
“Eighty thousand.”
“And still nothing?” I was shocked—all that money and nobody reporting shit. I shook my head.
“This shit got me puzzled too. It’s strange as fuck. But I promise you, when Cash finds out who that motherfucker is, it’s a wrap. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I just can’t believe that nobody don’t know nothing. These streets can’t hold water, but my best friend get murdered and everybody decides to mind their own fucking business.” Caesar came over to comfort me.
“Look, I don’t want you to worry about this. The time will come. We just gotta chill. They didn’t know who they were fucking wit. But they will, and I don’t want you stressing over this. I got you if nobody else does.” Softly stroking my face, Caesar took me in his arms. Feeling safe, I sat back and fell asleep, comforted. Tonight, there would be no going home to Kevon or calling him. I wondered if he would even realize I wasn’t there. With his mind being so preoccupied and all.
* * *
Two days later, lying in the bed at Kevon’s house, I contemplated getting up and going shopping. I hadn’t been shopping since Mimi died. That was one of the things we had done to pass time. We’d both loved it. For some reason, though, I just couldn’t will myself outta the bed. Mimi was too heavy on my mind. I imagined Mimi talking shit about me procrastinating. She would call me all the time and force me out the bed, but instead she was gone. Forever.
Kevon had gotten up early and had been out already. He had a mild cold, and like any other man, when he was sick, he turned into a big baby. So he had come home for a midday nap. I hadn’t been out of bed all day, but was craving a hot shower. As usual, Kevon’s cell phone started to ring. I had already made up my mind not to wake him up. He was sneezing all over everything, and his body needed rest. With my back turned to him, I pretended I was still asleep and listened as he answered the phone.
“Damn, nigga, can’t you handle that shit?” Kevon was aggressive with whomever he was having a conversation with. “I don’t give a fuck. You already know what needs to be done.” Silence . . . “Sometimes I wonder about you, nigga. Just hold the fuck on I’ll be there in a minute. What?” he yelled. “I said, I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t do shit until I get there.”
Sitting up in the bed, I faced him. “Kevon, you are sick. You need to get some rest.”
“Babe, I know, but I gotta go handle this though. I’ll be back in a minute. This won’t take long.”
I left it at that. If he wanted to kill himself for a stupid-ass crew, then he had my blessing. I had my own fucking problems.
“Whateva.” I sighed and laid back down.
“Are you cool?” he asked. “You have been in this bed all day.”
“Yeah, just missing Mimi, but I’m thinking about going shopping. You know, do a little retail therapy.”
“That’s what you should do. Get up out this house, get some fresh air. Besides, lying in this bed with me will only make you sick.” He threw the covers back and climbed out of bed and started to lace up his gym shoes. Once he was done, he stood up, reached in his pocket, and pulled out a stack of hundreds and handed them to me. “Try to enjoy yourself and get whatever you want, babe.” Walking around on my side of the bed, he bent down and kissed me on the cheek. “Time heals all.” With that, he told me he had to get going and would try to make it back soon.
Sitting in the bed, holding a handful of cash, I realized that Kevon could only give me money because he had no time. His money was his quality time and comfort; that was the only support he could provide for me. Once again, I was frustrated. I threw the money on the bed next to me and reached for
my cell phone. I no longer wanted to be home alone, let alone go shopping. What I needed was emotional comfort. I dialed Caesar’s number, and he picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, you,” his voice soothed me.
“Are you busy?” I asked.
“Never too busy for you. I’m at the condo. Why don’t you come over?” He only had to say it once. In no time, I had showered and dressed, and was out.
CHAPTER 18
“So they finally hired you in permanently?” I was excited for Sheila. We were sitting outside her apartment, having a drink for a small celebration. She had finally gotten a full-time job with General Mills. She had been working for them through a temp agency for over a year. But finally the company had hired her. And she was happy to know that soon she would be able to move out of her small apartment.
“Hell yes, girl, I can’t believe it. This is the break I needed; soon, the kids and I will be gettin’ up out of this small-ass, run-down apartment.”
“That’s what up.” I smiled.
“Damn, I just wish Mimi was here for this. She watched me struggle for so long. And I always felt bad because I was the oldest. It’s all my fault that she never had a role model. Then I had the nerve to bash her for making a family of her own.” A tear slid down Sheila’s cheek.
“Sheila, Mimi loved you, and she knew you worked hard to try and get ahead. So don’t feel bad.” I tried to reassure her. “Even though you all didn’t have much, you had love and each other. And that’s more than I ever had growing up. Being around you and Mimi taught me what love is. So don’t beat yourself up.”
Sheila looked at me with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry about you and your mom situation. I know you always wanted to work that out.”
“That’s nothing. I’m over it.” I blew it off. Ruthie was a conversation that I avoided at all costs. “Have you heard anything from Soulja about Alijah?”
