“So you were fighting someone you served with?” Alicia said incredulously. “What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of person have you become?”
“I don’t know!”
My entire body shook and my blood boiled remembering the things McCoys had said to me just moments ago. His words had hit me harder than anything I’d ever experienced because he had finally put into words exactly how I’d felt since the night Leo died. No one knew how much that night tore me apart, and now I knew for certain that even my own team members thought I’d been responsible. I had always thought it was my fault, but after my confrontation with McCoys, I finally knew once and for all that I was right.
“I’m going home,” Alicia said, looking at me with disgust. “Don’t follow me. In fact, don’t ever speak to me again.”
“Alicia!” I called after her as she hurried down the street. I moved to follow her, but my legs weren’t strong enough to hold me anymore. After everything that had happened that night, I couldn’t stand for another second. I collapsed onto the asphalt and rolled onto my back.
As I stared up at the stars, the world around me spun and my stomach heaved. I rolled over and vomited. When I was done, I laid my head back down and closed my eyes.
“Prewitt, you look like shit, man.”
I heard Leo’s voice in my head as clearly as if he was lying right beside me. The tears began to flow.
“Get up,” he said. “You’re already pathetic enough without passing out in front of a bar. Just get up.”
“I can’t,” I said out loud. “I can’t do it anymore, Leo.”
“You have to,” his voice whispered.
“Why?” I asked, my voice cracking with emotion.
“Because you lived, man. You lived.”
CHAPTER 23
Alicia
I woke the next morning with a pounding headache, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Immediately, I remembered everything that had happened the night before. Having sex with Zane in the bathroom. Feeling like I could never want anyone more than I wanted him.
And then the waves of guilt that washed over me as I remembered how our daughter had been conceived.
Zane still didn’t know that Elizabeth existed. We were falling for each other all over again, and I hadn’t even told him the most important part of my life.
When I left the bathroom, I’d been finally ready to tell him everything, unable to stand keeping it from him any longer. Five drinks and an orgasm had emboldened me. In that moment, I’d felt like I could tell him the truth, and that he would understand.
But when I saw him tackle that man, everything changed.
I stood back and watched as he pummeled some random guy. There had been blood everywhere. People tried to break them apart, but it took a while before they could pry Zane off him.
I felt sick watching the way Zane’s face had twisted with so much rage and violence. I just couldn’t handle seeing the strong and muscular body that I knew so well hurting someone senselessly.
After everything Zane and I had been through, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart again.
I was wrong.
Seeing him fight that way made me regret every single moment I had spent back in Savage. I had stormed down the street without slowing down until I reached my parents’ house. By the time I fell asleep that night, I had decided to leave the next morning.
When I woke up though, I knew that wasn’t fair to my family. They had a huge barbecue planned for the next day. Everyone was going to be there to see me one last time before I left for New York. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t blow them off. So instead of packing, I took a shower and cooked breakfast for Elizabeth. After she ate, I dropped her off at Allie’s house to play.
“You okay?” Jordan asked when he answered the door.
“I’m great,” I said. “Lizzy just wanted to play with her cousins. Is that all right?”
Jordan smiled. “Of course! Come on in, Lizzy-bug.”
“Thanks, Uncle Jordan!” Lizzy ran through the door and hurried upstairs to the playroom. I could hear her cousins squeal with delight when they saw her. I smiled and turned my attention back to Jordan.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.”
“Hey,” he called. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re upset,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. “What happened? Did Zane do something?”
I shook my head. “No. I just I let myself believe in the fairytale, so it was my fault.”
“Well, if you need to talk…”
“Thanks.” I waved sadly and made my way back to the car.
After driving around town aimlessly for almost an hour, I decided to just go back to my parents’ place and rest for a while. My body hadn’t recovered from the previous night and I knew I would need my energy to play with Lizzy later.
When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, my stomach sank. Zane was sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. I didn’t know how long he’d been waiting, but I knew my parents were gone for the day. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive all the way back to New York.
“What do you want?” I asked when I got out of the car.
Zane jumped to his feet and walked over to me. We stood facing each other in the front yard. I crossed my arms and waited for his answer.
“I need to talk to you,” he said weakly. His eyes were red and he looked terrible.
“I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“Then just listen,” he begged. “Please.”
I stood silently with my arms crossed, waiting impatiently for him to say whatever it was he so badly needed to say.
“Last night—that fight was… complicated.”
“Complicated?” I said. “Yeah. Okay.”
“It was,” he insisted while trying to stay calm. “That guy, McCoys—he and I were on the same team. Me, him, Leo, and Logan. We did over a hundred ops together. We were seamless. We could move without thinking, communicate without speaking…We were brothers. More than brothers. It’s hard to explain, but we were connected in a really intense way.”
Zane took a breath and closed his eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his hands were shaking. My instincts told me to step forward and touch him, but I fought off the urge.
“We were on an op,” he continued slowly. “I can’t get into the specifics—I’m duty bound to stay silent about it—but that night, things went wrong. We were all separated, which is never ideal. But it was disastrous for this particular mission. I heard gunshots and ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. By the time we found Leo, he was already half dead. We couldn’t save him.”
I sucked in a breath and listened intently, all my anger disappearing.
“Last night,” Zane went on, “McCoys was drunk. We both were. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. He blamed me for what happened to Leo, which is something I’ve done every day for the past four months.” He shook his head. “But when McCoys said it, I just lost it. I didn’t even know what I was doing until it was over. I shouldn’t have hit him, I know that. And I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s not something I ever wanted you to witness. I’m not that person, I swear. I’m not the kind of guy who gets in random bar fights. I was just…”
“Angry,” I said softly.
“Guilty,” he corrected. “I can’t shake the thought that I should have done more. If I had moved faster or ran harder, maybe I could have saved him. I should have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault.” I took a step closer and touched his shoulder. “You did everything you could, Zane. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I feel like it is. I’m trying to move past it, but it’s hard. Hearing McCoys blame me like that…” He shook his head again.
“He didn’t mean it. There’s no way he meant it. He was just drunk and sad. I’m sure he’s struggling with every
thing just like you are.”
“I know, but hearing him say that turned me into a different person. I became my worst nightmare. I never want to feel that way again.” His eyes filled with tears and he lowered his head.
I pulled him in for a hug, holding him tightly and wishing I could take away every ounce of his pain.
“Alicia?” He gently pushed me away to look into my eyes. “I came here to explain myself. To tell you what happened last night—but that’s not all. There’s something else I wanted to say.”
The look on his face made my stomach flip nervously. “What is it?”
“I have to get out of here,” he said. “This town. This place. I need to leave. I can’t explain it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but I feel like I’m drowning here. Ever since I came back, I’ve been telling myself that it’s for the best. I thought it would help me heal, but it’s just doing the opposite. I think I just need to leave.”
I nodded. “I can understand that. I’ve felt that way before.”
“I’m not finished.” He paused for an instant before adding, “I want to leave, but I want you to come with me.”
I took a step backward and frowned. “What?”
“Run away with me,” he urged, speaking franticly. “Let’s just pack up and bail. You can call your office and say you’re taking a leave of absence or something. We can just go.”
“Where?”
“Anywhere! Everywhere! We can just start driving and see what happens. I have to leave, Alicia, but I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. Not again.”
“Zane, it’s not that simple. I can’t just—”
“Yes, you can!” He took my hands in his. “Alicia, I love you so much. I’ve always been in love with you. These past few years without you have been awful. Even when I felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, something was missing. I didn’t feel complete and that’s because you weren’t there. I need you with me. You’re the woman I’m supposed to be with. I knew the second I saw you again. Deep down, I’ve always known it.”
“Zane…”
“I know you feel it too. You can’t tell me you don’t. I know you love me.”
“Yes, I do,” I said quickly. “I love you, Zane. And I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions last night, I really am. But that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just run away with you.”
“Why not? Give me one good reason why you can’t.”
“Work. I have a job that I love.”
“You can be a lawyer anywhere!”
“That’s not true. I’ve worked hard to get where I am now. You can’t ask me to give that up.”
“But I am,” he said. “I am because I love you and you love me. Our life together could be amazing—more than amazing. It could be everything we’ve always wanted it to be. I know it can.”
“I feel the same way, but…”
“Just stop. Stop thinking of reasons why you can’t do this and start listening to your heart.”
“I am…”
“No, you aren’t!” he half yelled. “If you were, you would know that our love is something that only happens once in a lifetime! We have to fight for it! There’s nothing more than important than us. Nothing.”
“Yes, there is,” I said firmly.
“Like what?” he demanded.
“Our daughter.”
CHAPTER 24
Alicia
I could see that my words had hit Zane’s ears like a brick. His entire demeanor changed instantly. He sunk into himself, his eyes darkened, and his face lost all color. His breathing practically stopped completely as he stood there, staring at me in shock.
“What did you just say?” he asked, dumbfounded.
I took a deep breath, knowing it was time to explain. “When you left,” I said, “I was pregnant. I didn’t know it at the time. That night, I only knew that my heart was breaking. A week later, I found out I was pregnant.”
“Oh my god…”
“I didn’t know what to do,” I continued. “I just knew I had to decide fast. I talked to my mom and to Allie, and they both supported me. They said they would stand by me no matter what decision I made. When I decided to give the baby up, it was the hardest decision I’d ever made. I was six months along when I asked Allie to adopt the baby. I didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing and then having to give her up. Allie agreed to keep her. She held me while I cried over it and she was there in the room when I gave birth.”
“Allie has our child?” Zane asked, anger bubbling beneath the surface of his voice.
“No. When she was born, I held her. I held her for a long time and then they took her away. The second she left the room, I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I started screaming and sobbing. I yelled as loud as I could until Allie and my mom came running into the room. I told them I’d made a mistake, and that I wanted to keep my baby. They thought I was just emotional and sleep-deprived, so they told me to sleep on it, but I didn’t need to. I knew the second I saw her that I couldn’t lose her. She was mine.”
“Ours,” Zane corrected with a glare. “She is OURS. How the hell could you keep this from me?”
“I thought about telling you a thousand times! But you were gone and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you would say or how you would react.”
“That doesn’t matter!” he screamed. “I had a right to know I was a father!”
“Would it have changed anything? Would you have left the military to be a dad?”
“What I would or wouldn’t have done isn’t the point, Alicia,” he said pointedly. “You kept my child from me for five years! How could you do that?”
The truth felt like an excuse, but I said it anyway. “Because I was scared.”
Zane watched my face and his anger began to subside. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said softly. “For you. For her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. That wasn’t fair.”
“What’s her name?” He glanced behind me, looking at the front door as if he only just realized where he was. “Is she here?”
“She’s at Allie’s playing with her cousins for a few hours. Her name is Elizabeth. Elizabeth Diane.”
Zane’s eyes widened. “Diane?”
I nodded. “After your mother. You know I always loved her.”
“You didn’t tell...” His voice faltered for a second and he swayed on the spot.
“Your parents?” I asked. “Of course not. Do you really think they would have kept this from you?”
He shrugged. “Maybe. If you had asked them to…”
“Well, I didn’t. I didn’t tell anyone outside my family.”
“I want to see her,” he said.
Knowing I couldn’t deny his request, I gestured to my car. We climbed inside and I drove through town until reaching Allie’s house. When I pulled into the driveway, Zane immediately jumped out of the car.
“Wait,” I said, hurrying after him. “You can’t just barge in there.”
“Why not? She’s my daughter.”
“But she doesn’t know that. Just give me a minute to explain things to her. Please.”
Zane looked like he wanted to shove me to the ground and race inside the house, but he knew I was right. No matter how angry he was with me, he couldn’t put his own needs above Elizabeth’s. She needed to be prepared for what was about to happen.
I stepped around Zane and made my way to the front door. I took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell.
Allie answered the door with a smile. “You’re early. We didn’t expect you until later.”
“I’m sorry. Uhm… something came up and I need to talk to Elizabeth. Immediately.”
“Okay…” Allie frowned as she stepped aside to let me in. “What’s going on?”
“I told Zane. He’s here to meet her.”
Allie’s jaw dropped. “Oh my God.”
“Where is she?”
“Ups
tairs.”
When I made it up the stairs, the kids were in the playroom, playing and giggling. I leaned against the wall and watched them for a few seconds, wanting to imprint the image onto my brain.
“Hey guys,” I finally said. “Can you go find your mom while I talk to Lizzy for a minute?”
“Mom!” Lizzy groaned. “We’re still playing!”
“I know, sweetheart. But this is really important, okay?”
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes as her cousins ran downstairs. “What is it?”
“Come here.” I gestured for her to come stand in front of me, and then I knelt so I was level with her. I smiled and smoothed her curls down. She had grown up so much that there were times when I forgot how little she still was. She was just a child, after all; she hadn’t even started kindergarten yet.
“Mommy,” she said with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you remember when you asked me about your daddy?” I said slowly.
She nodded. “Yes. You said he was a brave soldier. You said he was busy fighting for our country.”
“Right. He was. And he did that for a long time, but now he’s done. He’s retired and he’s here to meet you. Is that something you want?”
Lizzy frowned for a second and took a step back. She looked down at her shoes. “Am I going to live with him now?” she asked.
“No, honey,” I said quickly. “You’ll stay with me. I promise.”
She looked back up at me, her worried expression disappearing. “Is he nice?” she asked curiously.
I smiled. “Yes. He’s very nice. You’ll love him.”
“Okay. Then, I want to meet him.”
CHAPTER 25
Alicia
Zane walked up the stairs slowly, looking like he was heading for trial. His hands shook as he stuffed them nervously in his pockets.
“She doesn’t bite. You don’t have anything to be afraid of.”
“Yes, I do—if she’s anything like you.”
“Ha. Ha.”
Zane reached the top step and turned into the playroom. I walked up behind him and waited until Lizzy turned around to face us. When she did, her eyes went straight to Zane.
Hopeless Hero_A Bad Boy Military Romance Page 9
