If Only They Could Talk

by James Herriot

  But there was one odd character who swam repeatedly into my field of vision. An elderly little man with a soiled white panama perched above a smooth, brown, time-worn face like an old boot. He was dodging round the edge of the group, beckoning and winking.

  I could see there was something on his mind, so I broke away and allowed myself to be led to a seat in the corner. The old man sat opposite me, rested his hands and chin on the handle of his walking stick and regarded me from under drooping eyelids.

  'Now then, young man, ah've summat to tell thee. Ah've been among beasts all me life and I'm going to tell the summa'.'

  My toes began to curl. I had been caught this way before. Early in my college career I had discovered that all the older inhabitants of the agricultural world seemed to have the idea that they had something priceless to impart. And it usually took a long time. I looked around me in alarm but I was trapped. The old man shuffled his chair closer and began to talk in a conspiratorial whisper. Gusts of beery breath hit my face from six inches range.

  There was nothing new about the old man's tale - just the usual recital of miraculous cures he had wrought, infallible remedies known only to himself and many little sidetracks about how unscrupulous people had tried in vain to worm his secrets from him. He paused only to take expert pulls at his pint pot; his tiny frame seemed to be able to accommodate a surprising amount of beer.

  But he was enjoying himself and I let him ramble on. In fact I encouraged him by expressing amazement and admiration at his feats.

  The little man had never had such an audience. He was a retired smallholder and it had been years since anybody had shown him the appreciation he deserved.

  His face wore a lopsided leer and his swimmy eyes were alight with friendship. But suddenly he became serious and sat up straight.

  'Now, afore ye go, young man, I'm going to tell thee summat nobody knows but me. Ah could've made a lot o' money out o' this. Folks 'ave been after me for years to tell 'em but I never 'ave.'

  He lowered the level in his glass by several inches then narrowed his eyes to slits. 'It's the cure for mallenders and sallenders in 'oases.'

  I started up in my chair as though the roof had begun to fall in. 'You can't mean it,' I gasped. 'Not mallenders and sallenders.'

  The old man looked smug. 'Ah, but ah do mean it. All you have to do is rub on this salve of mine and the 'oss walks away sound. He's better by that!' His voice rose to a thin shout and he made a violent gesture with his arm which swept his nearly empty glass to the floor.

  I gave a low, incredulous whistle and ordered another pint. 'And you're really going to tell me the name of this salve?' I whispered.

  'I am, young man, but only on one condition. Tha must tell no one. Tha must keep it to thaself, then nobody'll know but thee and me.' He effortlessly tipped half of his fresh pint down his throat. 'Just thee and me, lad.'

  'All right, I promise you. I'll not tell a soul. Now what is this wonderful stuff?'

  The old man looked furtively round the crowded room. Then he took a deep breath, laid his hand on my shoulder and put his lips close to my ear. He hiccuped once, solemnly, and spoke in a hoarse whisper. 'Marshmallow ointment.'

  I grasped his hand and wrung it silently. The old man, deeply moved, spilled most of his final half pint down his chin.

  But Farnon was making signals from the door. It was time to go. We surged out with our new friends, making a little island of noise and light in the quiet village street. A tow-haired young fellow in shirt sleeves opened the car door with natural courtesy and, waving a final good night, I plunged in. This time, the seat went over quicker than usual and I hurtled backwards, coming to rest with my head among some Wellingtons and my knees tucked underneath my chin.

  A row of surprised faces peered in at me through the back window, but soon, willing hands were helping me up and the trick seat was placed upright on its rockers again. I wondered how long it had been like that and if my employer had ever thought of having it fixed.

  We roared off into the darkness and I looked back at the waving group could see the little man, his panama gleaming like new in the light from the doorway. He was holding his finger to his lips.

  Chapter Five.

  The past five years had been leading up to one moment and it hadn't arrived yet. I had been in Darrowby for twenty-four hours now and I still hadn't been to a visit on my own.

  Another day had passed in going around with Farnon. It was a funny thing, but, for a man who seemed careless, forgetful and a few other things, Farnon was frustratingly cautious about launching his new assistant.

  We had been over into Lidderdale today and I had met more of the clients - friendly, polite farmers who received me pleasantly and wished me success. But working under Farnon's supervision was like being back at college with the professor's eye on me. I felt strongly that my professional career would not start until I, James Herriot, went out and attended a sick animal, unaided and unobserved.

  However, the time couldn't be very far away now. Farnon had gone off to Brawton to see his mother again. A devoted son, I thought wonderingly. And he had said he would be back late, so the old lady must keep unusual hours. But never mind about that - what mattered was that I was in charge.

  I sat in an armchair with a frayed loose cover and looked out through the french windows at the shadows thrown by the evening sun across the shaggy lawn. I had the feeling that I would be doing a lot of this.

  I wondered idly what my first call would be. Probably an anti-climax after the years of waiting. Something like a coughing calf or a pig with constipation. And maybe that would be no bad thing - to start with something I could easily put right. I was in the middle of these comfortable musings when the telephone exploded out in the passage. The insistent clamour sounded abnormally loud in the empty house. I lifted the receiver.

  'Is that Mr. Farnon?' It was a deep voice with a harsh edge to it. Not a local accent; possibly a trace of the South West.

  'No, I'm sorry, he's out. This is his assistant.'

  'When will he be back?'

  'Not till late, I'm afraid. Can I do anything for you?'

  'I don't know whether you can do anything for me or not.' The voice took on a hectoring tone. 'I am Mr. Soames, Lord Hulton's farm manager. I have a valuable hunting horse with colic. Do you know anything about colic?'

  I felt my hackles rising. 'I am a veterinary surgeon, so I think I should know something about it.'

  There was a long pause, and the voice barked again. 'Well, I reckon you'll have to do. In any case, I know the injection the horse wants. Bring some arecoline with you. Mr. Farnon uses it. And for God's sake, don't be all night getting here. How long will you be?'

  'I'm leaving now.'

  'Right.'

  I heard the receiver bang down onto its rest. My face felt hot as I walked away from the phone. So my first case wasn't going to be a formality. Colics were tricky things and I had an aggressive know-all called Soames thrown in for good measure. On the eight mile journey to the case, I re-read from memory that great classic, Caulton Reek's Common Colics of the Horse. I had gone through it so often in my final year that I could recite stretches of it like poetry. The wellthumbed pages hovered in front of me, phantom-like, as I drove.

  This would probably be a mild impaction or a bit of spasm. Might have had a change of food or too much rich grass. Yet, that would be it; most colics were like that. A quick shot of arecoline and maybe some chlorodyne to relieve the discomfort and all would be well. My mind went back to the case I had met while seeing practice. The horse standing quietly except that it occasionally eased a hind leg or looked round at its side. There was nothing to it, really.

  I was elaborating this happy picture when I arrived. I drove into a spotless, gravelled yard surrounded on three sides by substantial loose boxes. A man was standing there, a broad-shouldered, thick-set figure, very trim in check cap and jacket, well-cut breeches and shiny leggings.

  The car drew up about t
hirty yards away and, as I got out, the man slowly and deliberately turned his back on me. I walked across the yard, taking my time, waiting for the other to turn round, but he stood motionless, hands in pockets, looking in the other direction.

  I stopped a few feet away but still the man did not turn. After a long time, and when I had got tired of looking at the back, I spoke.

  'Mr. Soames?'

  At first the man did not move, then he turned very slowly. He had a thick, red neck, a ruddy face and small, fiery eyes. He made no answer but looked me over carefully from head to foot, taking in the worn raincoat, my youth, my air of inexperience. When he had completed his examination he looked away again.

  'Yes, I am Mr. Soames.' He stressed the 'Mr.' as though it meant a lot to him. 'I am a very great friend of Mr. Farnon.'

  'My name is Herriot.'

  Soames didn't appear to have heard. 'Yes, a clever man is Mr. Farnon. We are great friends.'

  'I understand you have a horse with colic.' I wished my voice didn't sound so high and unsteady.

  Soames' gaze was still directed somewhere into the sky. He whistled a little tune softly to himself before replying. 'In there,' he said, jerking his head in the direction of one of the boxes. 'One of his lordship's best hunters. In need of expert assistance, I think.' He put a bit of emphasis on the 'expert'.

  I opened the door and went inside. And I stopped as though I had walked into a wall. It was a very large box, deeply bedded with peat moss. A bay horse was staggering round and round the perimeter where he had worn a deep path in the peat. He was lathered in sweat from nose to tail, his nostrils were dilated and his eyes stared blankly in front of him. His head rolled about at every step and, through his clenched teeth, gobbets of foam dripped to the floor. A rank steam rose from his body as though he had been galloping.

  My mouth had gone dry. I found it difficult to speak and when I did, it was almost in a whisper. 'How long has he been like this?'

  'Oh, he started with a bit of belly ache this morning. I've been giving him black draughts all day, or at least this fellow has. I wouldn't be surprised if he's made a bloody mess of it like he does everything.'

  I saw that there was somebody standing in the shadows in the corner; a large, fat man with a head collar in his hand.

  'Oh, I got the draughts down him, right enough, Mr. Soames, but they haven't done 'im no good.' The big man looked scared.

  'You call yourself a horseman,' Soames said 'but I should have done the damn job myself. I reckon he'd have been better by now.'

  'It would take more than a black draught to help him,' I said. 'This is no ordinary colic.'

  'What the hell is it, then?'

  'Well, I can't say till I've examined him, but severe, continuous pain like that could mean a torsion - a twisted bowel.'

  'Twisted bowel, my foot! He's got a bit of belly ache, that's all. He hasn't passed anything all day and he wants something to shift him. Have you got the arecoline with you?'

  'If this is a torsion, arecoline would be the worst thing you could give him. He's in agony now, but that would drive him mad. It acts by contracting the muscles of the intestines.'

  'God dammit,' snarled Soames, 'Don't start giving me a bloody lecture. Are you going to start doing something for the horse or aren't you?'

  I turned to the big man in the corner. 'Slip on that head collar and I'll examine him.'

  With the collar on, the horse was brought to a halt. He stood there, trembling and groaning as I passed a hand between ribs and elbows, feeling for the pulse. It was as bad as it could be - a racing, thready beat. I everted an eyelid with my fingers; the mucous membrane was a dark, brick red. The thermometer showed a temperature of a hundred and three.

  I looked across the box at Soames. 'Could I have a bucket of hot water, soap and a towel, please?'

  'What the devil for? You've done nothing yet and you want to have a wash?'

  'I want to make a rectal examination. Will you please bring me the water?'

  'God help us, I've never seen anything like this.' Soames passed a hand wearily over his eyes then swung round on the big man. 'Well, come on, don't stand around there. Get him his water and we'll maybe get something done.'

  When the water came, I soaped my arm and gently inserted it into the animal's rectum. I could feel plainly the displacement of the small intestine on the left side and a tense, tympanitic mass which should not have been there. As I touched it, the horse shuddered and groaned again.

  As I washed and dried my arms, my heart pounded. What was I to do? What could I say?

  Soames was stamping in and out of the box, muttering to himself as the pain maddened animal writhed and twisted. 'Hold the bloody thin',' he bellowed at the horseman who was gripping the head collar. 'What the bloody hell are you playing at?' The big man said nothing. He was in no way to blame but he just stared back stolidly at Soames.

  I took a deep breath. 'Everything points to the one thing. I'm convinced this horse has a torsion.'

  'All right then, have it your own way. He's got a torsion. Only for God's sake do something, will you? Are we going to stand in here all night?'

  'There's nothing anybody can do. There is no cure for this. The important thing is to put him out of his pain as quickly as possible.'

  Soames screwed up his face. 'No cure? Put him out of his pain? What rubbish is this you're talking? Just what are you getting at?'

  I took a hold on myself. 'I suggest you let me put him down immediately.'

  'What do you mean?' Soames' mouth fell open.

  'I mean that I should shoot him now, straight away. I have a humane killer in the car.'

  Soames looked as if he was going to explode. 'Shoot him! Are you stark raving mad? Do you know how much that horse is worth?'

  'It makes no difference what he's worth, Mr. Soames. He has been going through hell all day and he's dying now. You should have called me out long ago. He might live a few hours more but the end would be the same. And he's in dreadful pain, continuous pain.'

  Soames sunk his head in his hands. 'Oh God, why did this have to happen to me? His lordship is on holiday or I'd call him out to try to make you see some sense. I tell you, if your boss had been here he'd have given that horse an injection and put him right in half an hour. Look here, can't we wait till Mr. Farnon gets back tonight and let him have a look at him?'

  Something in me leaped gladly at the idea. Give a shot of morphine and get away out of it. Leave the responsibility to somebody else. It would be easy. I looked again at the horse. He had recommenced his blind circling of the box stumbling round and round in a despairing attempt to leave his agony behind. As I watched, he raised his lolling head and gave a little whinny. It was a desolate, uncomprehending, frantic sound and it was enough for me.

  I strode quickly out and got the killer from the car. 'Steady his head,' I said to the big man and placed the muzzle between the glazing eyes. There was a sharp crack and the horse's legs buckled. He thudded down on the peat and lay still.

  I turned to Soames who was staring at the body in disbelief. 'Mr. Farnon will come round in the morning and carry out a post mortem. I'd like Lord Hulton to have my diagnosis confirmed.'

  I put on my jacket and went out to the car. As I started the engine, Soames opened the door and pushed his head in. He spoke quietly but his voice was furious. 'I'm going to inform his lordship about this night's work. And Mr. Farnon too. I'll let him know what kind of an assistant he's landed himself with. And let me tell you this. You'll be proved wrong at that post mortem tomorrow and then I'm going to sue you.' He banged the door shut and walked away.

  Back at the surgery, I decided to wait up for my boss and I sat there trying to rid myself of the feeling that I had blasted my career before it had got started. Yet, looking back, I knew I couldn't have done anything else. No matter how many times I went over the ground, the conclusion was always the same.

  It was 1 a.m. before Farnon got back. His evening with his mother had stimul
ated him. His thin cheeks were flushed and he smelt pleasantly of gin. I was surprised to see that he was wearing evening dress and though the dinner jacket was of old-fashioned cut and hung in loose folds on his bony frame, he still managed to look like an ambassador.

  He listened in silence as I told him about the horse. He was about to comment when the phone rang. 'A late one,' he whispered, then 'Oh, it's you, Mr. Soames.' He nodded at me and settled down in his chair. He was a long time saying 'Yes' and 'No' and 'I see', then he sat up decisively and began to speak.

  'Thank you for ringing, Mr. Soames, and it seems as though Mr. Herriot did the only possible thing in the circumstances. No, I cannot agree. It would have been cruel to leave him. One of our duties is to prevent suffering. Well, I'm sorry you feel like that, but I consider Mr. Herriot to be a highly capable veterinary surgeon. If I had been there I have no doubt I'd have done the same thing. Good night, Mr. Soames, I'll see you in the morning.'

  I felt so much better that I almost launched into a speech of gratitude but in the end, all I said was 'Thanks'.

  Farnon reached up into the glass-fronted cupboard above the mantelpiece and pulled out a bottle of whisky. He carelessly slopped out half a tumblerful and pushed it at me. He gave himself a similar measure and fell back into the armchair.

  He took a deep swallow, stared for a few seconds at the amber fluid in the glass then looked up with a smile. 'Well, you certainly got chucked in at the deep end tonight, my boy. Your first case. And it had to be Soames, too.'

  'Do you know him very well?'

  'Oh, I know all about him. A nasty piece of work and enough to put anybody off their stroke. Believe me, he's no friend of mine. In fact, rumour has it that he's a bit of a crook. They say he's been feathering his nest for a long time at his lordship's expense. He'll slip up one day, I expect.'