Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  "That was an interesting choice," Lise said, stopping also near Ann's desk as she came from the back of the room. She glanced toward the door where Emily's back was just disappearing around the corner. Ann's face burned, but she made no response. Looking back at Ann, Lise repeated, "Très intéressant."

  Ann took her time putting her books into her backpack. When she was alone, she opened the note. "Meet me in the bell tower at seven?" was written in Emily's small, bold handwriting. Ann smiled and realized she could still feel the warmth of Emily's hand.

  Chapter 25

  Emily stood in the bell tower, oblivious to the cold. The lamps in the park cast silvery cones of light down to the snow-covered ground. There were only a few people walking below. She remembered the day in August when she had first spotted Ann from up here. So much had happened since then. She felt giddy, almost drunk, at the recollection of the look in Ann's eyes earlier today when class had ended. There had been so much love and such defenselessness – Emily closed her eyes and just remembered.

  When she opened her eyes, she saw Ann standing under a tree watching her. She smiled, and Ann hurried to the little church. When she got to the loft she flew into Emily's arms. They held each other tightly for a long time. The hug gave way to a kiss, long and slow, their hands exploring under their jackets. When they parted, their fast breathing hung in the air in steamy clouds.

  Emily held Ann's face in her hands. "I love you so much," she said fiercely.

  "I love you, too," Ann murmured, aware of what it felt like to say that to someone for the first time in her life.

  Ann pulled Emily down to sit next to her, their backs leaning against the wall of the belfry. "I know it's probably been hard waiting for my answer," she said quietly. Her eyes were grey in the shadows.

  "I haven't wanted to push you. I don't want to lose your friendship," Emily said earnestly.

  Ann smiled. "You couldn't do anything to take that away, and you haven't pushed at all. You've been wonderful, just being with me while I thought things through. You were right. There are a lot of things I hadn't considered."

  "Like what?"

  "Well, my family for instance," Ann replied. "It was one thing to imagine their reaction to a relationship with a woman, but how would they be if I were settling down with you for good? I don't know," she admitted. "And," she squirmed a little, "I've had to ask myself if I'm ready to get married to anyone right now."

  Emily held her breath.

  "I'm just getting started with college after a long delay. I don't have a career yet. I've tried to analyze how I would be feeling if Paul had asked me – what criteria would I use to make the decision?" She turned to face Emily. "But with all my arguments, and all the unknowns, I keep circling back to one thing. I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone. And if you'll still have me, I want, more than anything, to spend the rest of my life with you."

  Emily breathed again. "Oh, Ann, if I'll have you? I'll spend the rest of my life trying to deserve you."

  This time Ann took Emily's face in her hands. "Emily, don't you know what a good person you are? I don't need for you to try and deserve me or be a martyr for me. The only thing I need is your love." She pulled Emily's mouth to hers, and was struck again by the unbelievable softness and tenderness of her kiss.

  She shivered involuntarily, and they both realized how cold they had become. "Can you come over to my apartment?" Ann asked as they got stiffly to their feet.

  "I thought you had a psychology exam tomorrow." Emily recalled. "And I have a paper I really have to get finished before Thanksgiving." She took Ann's hand as they started toward the stairs. "I want to be able to enjoy my time with you at Thanksgiving without worrying about a deadline."

  Before they left the small church, they stopped for one last kiss before stepping outside into the world.

  Chapter 26

  The remaining days before Thanksgiving break passed quickly, and Tuesday evening found Ann and Emily in the Land Cruiser on their way to the Hights'. During a lull in the conversation, Emily remembered the circumstances of their last trip to Ann's home.

  "What are you thinking about?" Ann asked softly, reaching a hand over to Emily's thigh.

  Emily covered Ann's hand with her own. "Oh, just remembering the last time we did this." She looked over, watching Ann's profile as she drove. "I know I've said this before, but I don't know if I can ever thank you enough for all that you did for me during that time."

  Ann glanced over and smiled tenderly. "You're welcome."

  "You have brought so much healing into my life," said Emily with the wonder of retrospect.

  "I met you at a time when you were ready to be healed," Ann observed. "If I had met you three years ago, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have let it."

  Emily thought about that. "You're probably right," she admitted. "I guess timing is everything."

  They stopped for a quick meal, and then Emily drove. With directions from Ann, she found the entrance to the driveway, the white fence gleaming in the headlights. As they pulled up to the house, the warm glow of the outdoor lamps welcomed them.

  "I love this house," Emily said.

  Ann smiled. "I know. It will always feel like home to me."

  They entered through the front door into a warm cocoon filled with the mixed aromas of wood smoke, cinnamon and baking dough.

  "Girls!" Katharine rushed from the kitchen wiping her flour-covered hands on her apron. She gave each of them a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. "Take your coats off and come into the kitchen," she said as they set their suitcases down.

  They followed her into the kitchen where the table was covered with flour in preparation for the large bowl of raised dough sitting there.

  "Ann, pour some coffee for Emily and yourself and come talk to me while I roll this out," Katharine directed.

  "What's baking?" Emily asked as she sat down with a large mug. "It smells wonderful."

  "Thank you," Katharine smiled. "There are pumpkin pies in the oven now, and these are going to be cinnamon rolls for breakfast."

  "Where's Dad?" Ann asked.

  "He's stacking some more firewood in the box. You know him, he's always afraid we'll run out," Katharine replied.

  As if in response to his name, Owen opened the back door, stomping snow off his boots before he came in.

  "Annie," he beamed as she ran over to throw her arms around him.

  "Hello, Emily," he said warmly as he hung up his coat. "We're glad you could join us."

  "Thank you for inviting me," she said sincerely.

  "When is Michael getting here?" Ann asked as she snatched a pinch of dough and popped it into her mouth.

  "Quit that!" her mother scolded. "He said he'd be in tomorrow afternoon."

  "Is anyone else coming for Thanksgiving?" Ann asked, eyeing the dough for another opportunity.

  "No, not this year," Owen said. "Your aunts and uncles are all staying home this year." He poured himself a cup of coffee and joined them at the table.

  Emily noticed how handsome he was, his very blue eyes so like Ann's, his black hair beginning to gray at the temples. Katharine's silver hair belied her youthful energy and sense of humor. These thoughts were running through her head as Ann chatted on and on about how school was going, how her ankle was healing and how Meg was doing, so Emily didn't hear the first time Owen asked her how her classes were going.

  "Uh," she stammered, red-faced as he repeated the question. "Everything is going very well. I'm actually ahead of schedule in a couple of classes, so it won't feel so frantic getting ready for finals." As she spoke, she watched Katharine brush the rolled-out dough with melted butter. Ann sprinkled cinnamon sugar over top of that, and Katharine rolled the dough into a log and cut it into discs with a knife. Emily's mouth watered in anticipation as the discs were laid in a large pan, the dark swirls of cinnamon making a spiral pattern in each.

  While Katharine removed the pies from the oven and set the cinnamon rolls
to rise, the others helped clean up. When they were done, they went into the den where Owen poked the fire into a roar, adding a large log amid a cascade of sparks.

  Flipping through the DVDs in the cabinet next to the television, Ann suggested, "How about 'Miracle on 34th Street' ?" As the opening credits played on the television, they settled comfortably, Owen and Katharine on the sofa, Ann on pillows on the floor and Emily curled up in her chair. As always, Emily was captivated by Maureen O'Hara's beauty, but she found her gaze wandering down to Ann, her dark, silky hair spilling over the pillow. As if she felt Emily's touch, Ann looked up once and smiled.

  Perhaps because of the love evident in Ann's eyes, perhaps because of the nostalgia of the beloved old movie, perhaps because of the warmth of the welcome she had received from Ann's parents – whatever the reason, Emily felt her heart swelling with a jumble of emotions she had thought long dead. She felt a greater anticipation of the holiday season than she could ever remember.

  As the movie ended, Ann sat up. "I just love that movie," she said.

  Katharine smiled. "You used to remind me of Natalie Wood when you were young. Once your mind was made up about something, you were unshakeable."

  "Sounds like someone else I know," Owen said fondly, kissing his wife on the cheek. As they got up to go up to bed, he closed up the fireplace.

  "Ann?" Katharine asked, "Do you mind sharing your room with Emily? Michael will be in tomorrow."

  "I don't mind," Ann replied. "I had assumed she would be sharing my room," she added with a look that made Emily blush.

  They said goodnight in the hall, and the girls carried their suitcases into Ann's room. Ann went to wash up while Emily changed. She pulled on a large men's buttondown as a nightshirt. After Emily brushed her teeth and came back into the bedroom, she found that Ann had turned out the light and was sitting in the windowseat. Moonlight streamed in from the cold winter sky, lighting the contours of Ann's beautiful face. Emily joined her there.

  "I used to sit here for hours as a child," Ann reminisced, "dreaming about all the adventures I would have. They almost always involved a horse, of course," she smiled.

  "Of course," Emily smiled, too, picturing Ann as a girl.

  "I'm really glad you agreed to come," Ann said, laying her hand on Emily's knee.

  Emily gently took Ann's hand in both of hers. "I am, too." She felt a slight tremor in Ann's fingers. "Are you cold?"

  "No," Ann whispered, "not cold." Her eyes were a very pale grey in the silver moonlight. Emily reached up with one hand, and lightly ran her fingers over the sculpted contours of Ann's face, the high forehead and slightly arched brows, the high cheekbones, the gently curved lips.

  "Your beauty still takes me by surprise," Emily said softly.

  Ann smiled. "I hope I'll always surprise you," she murmured as she leaned forward. Emily met her lips, gently at first. Their lips parted and the kiss deepened and lingered. Emily pulled Ann to her feet and folded her in her arms without breaking their kiss. As Ann's body pressed into hers, Emily felt the soft pressure of Ann's breasts against her own. She ran her hands over the curves of Ann's waist and hips, pulling them into her. Ann's hands slipped under Emily's shirt, causing shivers as her fingers probed the muscles of Emily's back. Ann's kiss became more assertive as she boldly slid her hands around to Emily's breasts. Emily gasped, and pulled away.

  "Are you sure about this?" she asked breathlessly.

  "I've never felt so sure about anything in my life," Ann said intensely. "I love you so much."

  Emily's answer was in her kiss and her hands as she lifted Ann's nightshirt over her head. The silver moonlight played over the graceful curves of her breasts and torso.

  "There just aren't words for how beautiful you are," Emily whispered with awe. She placed her hands on the heavy softness of Ann's breasts and bent to nuzzle first one nipple, then the other. It was Ann's turn to gasp as her hands flew to Emily's hair, pressing her mouth more firmly against the exquisitely sensitive nipple. Emily slowly kissed her way back up to Ann's neck, marveling at the velvety softness of her skin.

  Ann unbuttoned Emily's shirt, letting it fall from her shoulders. The moonlight had a different effect as Emily's tan line made her breasts seem very white in contrast to the skin which had been exposed to the sun. Ann lightly ran her fingers over the shadows of Emily's collarbones, over the smoothly muscled chest, down to the small, firm breasts. Her fingers gently squeezed the protruding nipples. She tentatively bent to take one in her mouth and got a groan from Emily which startled her.

  "Did I hurt you?" she asked anxiously.

  "No," Emily smiled, "but if you keep stopping every time I make noise, you're going to drive me crazy."

  Reassured, Ann went back to the nipple. Fascinated, she rolled the firm bud around with her tongue. Emily's reactions no longer alarmed her, and she began to enjoy her power to please. She squeezed the nipple with her lips before moving to the other side.

  Emily took Ann's face in her hands and pressed her lips and tongue more forcefully against Ann's. The growing intensity was returned by Ann, who draped her arms around Emily's neck, pressing their nipples together. Emily wrapped her arms around Ann's small waist, lifting her feet off the ground, and carried her to the bed. She gently lowered Ann to the bed, and slowly slid her underwear over her hips. Ann lay quietly, enjoying the love and admiration in Emily's eyes as she gazed at Ann's body. Emily slid her own underwear off and lay down on top of Ann, their legs and bodies intertwined.

  As Emily pulled the covers over them, Ann whispered, "Take me for my first ride in a Ferrari."

  Chapter 27

  Ann lay on her side watching Emily sleep in the gray pre-dawn light. She listened to her deep, slow breathing, and remembered how ragged and broken her breathing had been as they made love. Ann shuddered involuntarily as the memory aroused an orgasmic aftershock. Nothing could have prepared her for the intensity of their love-making. She recalled with some embarrassment how she had wept as Emily brought her to the most exquisite orgasm she had ever experienced – it had simply been too much to contain. She reached out to lightly touch Emily's curls. She felt an absolute certainty that this was the one love she had waited for.

  Too restless to go back to sleep, she carefully slid out of bed, her naked body immediately covered in goose bumps at the sudden coolness outside the cozy warmth of bed. She ran into the bathroom and got under a hot shower. After she had warmed up, she quietly dressed and went downstairs.

  While coffee brewed, she poked the woodstove's embers and added wood. The kitchen quickly became more comfortable. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table looking out at the snow-covered courtyard, but seeing nothing as she replayed each moment of the previous night in her mind.

  "Well, you're up early," Katharine said as she came into the kitchen.

  Ann smiled. "I think it was the anticipation of the cinnamon rolls," she joked.

  "Well, let's see if the aroma brings your father and Emily downstairs," Katharine said as she turned the oven on. After she had put the rolls in the oven, she brought a cup of coffee to the table and sat across from Ann.

  "So, Ann," she said as she reached her hand out and laid it on top of her daughter's, "how are you?"

  Ann looked lovingly into her mother's eyes. "I am better than I ever remember being," she said sincerely.

  "How was your visit with Paul?"

  Ann's smooth forehead wrinkled a little. "It was good to see him, but I think he was hoping to resume our relationship, and I wasn't. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings."

  "He seems like a genuinely good man," Katharine observed.

  Ann smiled. "He is." Ann's eyes clouded a bit. "What kind of future have you and Dad envisioned for me?"

  Katharine's eyebrows raised a little, and she took a sip of coffee as she pondered her answer. "I guess we've always pictured you married someday, working at a career you enjoy."

  Ann looked down at her mother's hand, and noticed lines begi
nning to be etched a little deeper than she remembered. "How would you feel if my life didn't follow that path? I mean …" she stumbled for a moment, "what if I never marry, never have children. How would you feel?"

  Katharine watched Ann's face carefully. "I must admit that I've looked forward to having grandchildren running around this house someday, but," she squeezed Ann's hand and made her look up, "you must make your decisions based on what will make you happy, Ann. You can't let anyone else's expectations sway you, not even your mother's," she added with a smile. She sat back and took another sip of coffee. "What brought all this on?"