Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  After she was discharged, Emily set about packing up the books and other belongings that had returned to Pennsylvania with her. She had been in contact with Dr. Brooks weeks earlier, and arranged to resume a fall teaching load. And when she had called the Gundlachs, they had, as she had known they would, insisted that Emily's parents stay at the house for as long as they wished to remain in Weston. Mr. Gundlach had looked after Emily's car, driving it occasionally, and putting it in one of the out sheds to shelter it from the weather. She hadn't told them about the amputation or cancer over the phone; that would be easier to explain in person. A few days before they were planning on leaving, she had called Ann. She got the machine and left a message saying that, barring any unexpected delays, they would be at the Gundlachs' Thursday evening. She'd been so restless as the week dragged on that her father finally folded up his newspaper and said in mock exasperation, "Let's load up. It's a day early, but you are like a caged animal. You're driving your mother crazy." Emily laughed. He always blamed his own frustrations on Maureen.

  Now, as they neared Weston, she debated whether to stop somewhere and put the prosthesis on prior to getting to town. It was too uncomfortable to sit with for such a long trip. She decided seeing her on crutches without a leg would be no less of a shock than seeing the bare carbon fiber pylon sticking out from her shorts. She had opted not to have it covered since the foam added almost three pounds of weight, and every ounce mattered when she was walking.

  At least her hair had started growing back. She ran her hand through her very short brown curls. She went without her hat some of the time now, but her scalp still sunburned easily, so she had to be careful. "I do not want to be treating you for skin cancer," Dr. Hall had warned her.

  Her heart pounded faster as they got to Weston. She directed her father to the Gundlach house, keeping an eye out for Ann or her Land Cruiser, just in case. When they parked in front of the house under the big oak there, she could see Mrs. Gundlach's face peeking out from one of the windows. Stretching as she got out, Emily pulled her crutches out of the car and began hopping up the walk. As she had half-expected, Mrs. Gundlach stopped when she saw Emily. Then she rushed down the porch steps and hugged Emily, laughing and crying at the same time.

  "I'm fine," Emily laughed, trying to reassure her. When Mrs. Gundlach finally let her go, Emily grinned and said, "I've got a few things to tell you."

  Just then, Mr. Gundlach also came out onto the front porch. He hid his surprise a little better than his wife. Emily made the introductions with her parents. "Please, call me Margot," Mrs. Gundlach said, and Emily realized with amusement that she had never known her first name. "This is Karl. Come in, come in. Dinner is almost ready."

  Robert and Mr. Gundlach carried Emily's suitcase and the few boxes of books she had brought with her up to her room. Emily and Maureen went to the kitchen with Mrs. Gundlach. Emily sat at the kitchen table rubbing Greta's head while the two older women finished getting the platters of food ready for the table.

  Soon, they were all seated at the table, eating as Emily filled the Gundlachs in on the events of the past few months. Mrs. Gundlach's eyes got teary again, and Emily hastened to reassure her that she was healthy now. "The only thing I need is fattening up!"

  "She came to the right house," Mr. Gundlach smiled, leaning toward Robert and Maureen.

  Emily insisted on standing propped at the kitchen sink to wash dishes when dinner was over. Then they all went out to the screened porch for ice cream. Listening to her parents and the Gundlachs talking, Emily rocked in her chair, wondering where Ann was now. She was torn about calling her this evening. As badly as she wanted – needed – to see Ann, she wasn't sure she wanted the first time to be in front of her parents and Mr. and Mrs. Gundlach.

  The next morning, Emily took her parents to the campus. She had gone back and forth between long pants and shorts, and had finally opted to bite the bullet and wear shorts. Might as well get everyone used to it. At the last minute, she took off the baseball cap and left it on her dresser. They had an appointment with Dr. Brooks at ten. They got to campus early, walking around the graceful old buildings. She showed them the graduate students' office, and was pleased to see the textbooks for this year's classes waiting for her at her old desk.

  At ten, they went down to Dr. Brooks' office. He was very gracious with Robert and Maureen, and was very complimentary in his appraisal of Emily, both as a doctoral candidate and as a teacher. "I know that you are both teachers as well," he commented. "You must be very proud of her."

  Robert looked over at her. "More than you know." Emily blushed deeply and changed the subject.

  Dr. Brooks walked them out as he had another meeting at the dean's office across campus. When they reached the administration building, he paused to shake hands with Maureen and Robert, and asked Emily to make an appointment with him in a couple of weeks so they could discuss her fall classes and doctoral work. Just then, the door of the building opened, and three young women exited and came down the stairs.

  "Ah, Miss Hight," Dr. Brooks smiled. "I trust you remember Miss Warner? She'll be back with us this fall."

  Time seemed to stand still. All Emily knew was that here was Ann at last, standing in front of her. If possible, she was even more beautiful than Emily remembered. In what was really just a split second, Ann's eyes took in everything: Emily's hair, her face, the prosthesis. Vaguely, Emily was aware of the two other women standing behind Ann.

  With Dr. Brooks standing there, and no time to compose something more meaningful, all Emily could say was, "Hello, Ann. It's good to see you."

  Ann fought to keep her expression neutral. "Hello, Emily," she replied. Tearing her gaze away from Emily's, Ann turned to Robert and Maureen. "Mr. and Mrs. Warner?" she said warmly, shaking hands with each of them. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

  Taking their cue from Emily and Ann, Robert and Maureen tried not to divulge anything in front of Dr. Brooks. Holding Ann's hand in both of his, Robert said, "It's good to finally meet you, Ann."

  Chapter 69

  Maureen looked at Emily worriedly. She hadn't said anything on their way back to the car. When they got in, she finally broke the silence. "Emily, are you all right?"

  Emily seemed to just realize her parents were there. "I'm fine," she said, rubbing her hand over her head. "I just never expected that to happen."

  "Well, we finally got to meet Ann," her father said, looking at her in the rearview mirror as he drove back to the Gundlach house.

  Emily closed her eyes with a groan. "I'm sorry I didn't introduce you. I was tongue-tied. I didn't know what to say."

  Robert smiled. "It's all right. There will be plenty of time for us to get to know her. You two have a lot to talk about."

  "Where to start?" Emily sounded worried. "I feel like a lifetime has passed since I last saw her."

  Robert pulled to a stop in front of the Gundlach house. "Please don't say anything to the Gundlachs just yet," Emily requested. "They really like Ann, and won't understand why I don't just call her and invite her over."

  Mrs. Gundlach was just finishing a large bowl of homemade chicken salad for sandwiches. As they all sat down for lunch, Mr. Gundlach said, "Miss Emily, Mama and I have a great favor to ask of you. Our daughter, Hannah, and her partner just had a new baby, and we would love to go for a short visit. Normally, this would not be possible, with the animals. But –"

  "Excuse me?" Emily cut in. "What – Hannah and Jan?"

  "Yes," Mrs. Gundlach replied.

  "All this time I thought Hannah and Jan were two of your daughters," Emily said in disbelief.

  "Well, in a way, they are," Mrs. Gundlach insisted.

  Emily laughed aloud. "So Ann and I haven't hidden anything from you?"

  Mrs. Gundlach's eyebrows went up. "Not very well." She smiled. "We didn't want to say anything if you were uncomfortable talking about it."

  Emily laughed again. "I didn't mean to interrupt, Mr. Gundlach."

  "Do you t
hink you could look after the animals for a few days? You must promise to tell us if you think it would be too difficult for you."

  Emily considered. "I think I could do it. The cattle stay out in the fields all night now, don't they? And the mares, too. So really it'll just be feeding the chickens and gathering the eggs." Greta whined and shoved her head under Emily's elbow. "And how could I forget you?" she smiled.

  "Oh thank you so much," Mrs. Gundlach beamed. "I've got the refrigerator full of food. All you have to do is heat things up."

  "I think I can handle that much," Emily assured her, grinning.

  The Gundlachs went to pack as soon as they were done eating. Robert and Maureen both watched Emily closely. "We will do whatever you want," Robert said. "If you want privacy, we can head back this afternoon also. If you want us to stay, we will."

  Emily thought about it for a few minutes. "I know I'll want to tell you about it later, but it will probably be easier to talk to Ann alone." She looked up at both of them. "Are you sure that's okay?"

  "Of course it is," Maureen reassured her. "We'll go pack."

  Chapter 70

  An hour later, Emily and Greta were all alone. Emily picked up the phone and put it down probably five times. "Should I call her or wait for her to call me?" Emily asked Greta out loud. Finally, she picked the telephone up again and dialed Ann's number. She got the machine, and, in a shaky voice, said, "Ann, this is Emily. I'm alone at the Gundlachs' house for the next few days. Please call or come over whenever you can. It doesn't matter what time it is."

  She went upstairs to unpack her clothes and books. That didn't take long, and then she wandered aimlessly around the house. Too restless to sit and watch television, she decided to walk out to the pasture and say hello to the horses. Greta came with her. It took a little more concentration to walk on uneven terrain, and she had to be careful where she placed her feet. At the sound of her voice, Molly and Snow came ambling over, pushing their huge grey heads over the fence for pats and scratches. She had brought carrots for each of them, and stood there talking to them as they crunched. They started and trotted away as Greta began barking in the direction of the house. Emily turned and saw Ann coming around the back of the house.

  Greta raced to Ann to greet her. With her heart in her throat, Emily walked as fast as she dared. 'Don't fall on your face before you even get a chance to say hello,' she told herself. As she got closer, she suddenly felt self-conscious about her appearance. She stopped a couple of paces away, not sure what to do.

  Ann came to her, and as she drew near, she reached up and tenderly brushed her hand along Emily's cheek. Emily's apprehension melted away, and she wrapped her arms around Ann. Ann's embrace was more hesitant.

  "You won't hurt me," Emily murmured. Reassured, Ann tightened her arms around Emily's prominent ribs. They stood like that for a long time. Emily filled her lungs with the scent of Ann's hair and perfume, her hands running over Ann's back and shoulders, up into her hair. "I can't believe you're finally back in my arms," she breathed.

  Ann pulled away enough to look at her and answered, "Believe it," before she pressed her lips against Emily's in a tender kiss.

  When they parted, Emily drank in every detail of Ann's face, saying, "I will never take this for granted."

  Ann took Emily's hand and said, "Let's go inside. We need to talk." Emily followed her up the porch steps, taking one at a time.

  "Would you like something to drink?" Emily asked.

  "I think I could use some wine if there is any," Ann said as she sat at the table, watching Emily move around the kitchen.

  "I'll look." She could feel Ann's eyes on her as she went to the refrigerator. "There's some Riesling."

  "That sounds good. Thank you."

  The politeness was maddening, but at least they were talking. Emily brought the bottle and two glasses to the table and hesitated, finally choosing to sit across from Ann.

  "Thank you for coming over." Emily said. Ann's eyes were a dark blue-grey. "I'm not sure where we should start." Her hands were trembling as she struggled to get the corkscrew in place.

  "Here, let me," Ann said gently, taking the bottle and the corkscrew from her. Their fingers touched and the contact was electric. Emily wasn't sure her heart could take much more of this. The hours of adrenaline since their morning encounter were taking their toll on her weakened system. Ann handed her a full glass of wine.

  "Let's start at Christmas," Ann said, pouring herself a glass of wine also. "What made you write that note in the first place?"

  Emily looked down at her wine glass, stroking a fingertip over the frost gathering there, sweeping it away. "In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, after the incident with Michael, you seemed so reluctant to talk about family. It seemed you were really struggling, and I felt like I was pushing you into something you weren't ready for. It had taken me years to get to the point of being able to tell my family, but I was asking you to do it after just a few months. Dr. Brooks had mentioned the job in Zurich, and it seemed like a good backup plan to give us time apart if you couldn't bring yourself to tell your family. And when I didn't hear from you, I assumed you were giving me your answer."

  She raised her eyes to Ann's. "Your parents told me Michael had confronted you about us, but they didn't know exactly what he said to you."

  Ann took a sip of wine before she responded. "It was ugly. He called my feelings for you a perverted infatuation and told me I'd obviously never been with a real man. He said it would kill Mom and Dad." She lowered her gaze, frowning. "I had gone home intending to tell them right away, but after he said that… I did tell them," she said, looking back up. "It just took me longer, and by then you were gone." Without intending it, a trace of bitterness crept into her voice.

  "I know," Emily said softly. "I'm sorry I left you like that."

  "In March, when he slipped and finally admitted what he'd done, I got on the first plane to Zurich to find you, but…"

  "It was Laura you saw me with," Emily anticipated where Ann was going. "She was there for a visit, that's all. There was never anything between us. I left her sitting in my flat when I got your message."

  Ann leaned forward. "What happened? I still don't understand."

  "My knee had been swollen for weeks," Emily explained. "I didn't realize what it was. That night, when the bone gave way and I fell, I cracked my head and was out for a couple of days. When I woke up, the leg was gone."

  "Did you try to call me then?" Ann asked.

  Emily looked back down at her wineglass where the sunlight filtering through it produced a dancing reflection on the table top. "No," she admitted.

  Ann ran her finger around the rim of her glass. "And then you came back to the States to begin chemo?"

  "Yes."

  Ann was breathing a little faster, and there was a slight flush to her cheeks. "But you still didn't call me." It wasn't a question. "Not until my parents came to see you and basically gave you no choice did you call."

  "Yes," Emily repeated lamely.

  "Why?" Ann asked quietly.

  The following silence felt very loud to Emily. She looked down again, and squeezed her wine glass until her knuckles were white. "For most of the time I've known you, I was such a mess. I wasn't good for much of anything. Then when I found our being apart was all a mistake, all I wanted to do was beg you to forgive me for leaving you like that with no explanation, but… I had no leg, my hair was falling out, I was vomiting my guts out four or five days a week, then getting over it in time to start it all again." She paused for a moment, then said, "Ann, you deserve so much more than I could – "

  Emily was interrupted when Ann stood abruptly, her chair flying backwards, and slammed her wine glass against the table, sending wine and glass shards skittering across the wooden top.

  "Don't tell me I deserve to have something better than you!" she shouted. Her chest heaved with her breathing. "You might remember that our relationship was born when you were frail and b
roken and willing to let yourself need me. No one had ever done that with me before."

  Ann paced now, her fists clenched. "I am not some goddamned statue that needs to be protected. I need to be loved, not worshiped. I thought you understood that. I could have had all the worship I wanted with a man." She stood still and looked at Emily, her eyes still angry. When she spoke again, her voice was dangerously quiet. "You did understand that once. Since you've been gone you've put me up on some pedestal, and what? You'll profess that you love me enough to die for me? You nearly did that, Emily."

  She came to the table and placed her hands on it, leaning toward Emily. "I'll tell you what I deserve. I deserve to be loved by someone who won't shut me out. I deserve to be loved by someone whom I can trust absolutely will be there to take care of me when I need it, and trusts me back to be there when she needs it. I need someone who will share with me, the big things and the meaningless little things that a life together is made up of. I need someone who blends with me so completely that together we make something finer and better than anything either of us could be on our own."